


Better Than Me

by floofdjh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2019-06-29 05:50:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 92,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15723267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/floofdjh/pseuds/floofdjh
Summary: Dan Howell is a camboy. At only eighteen, he’s already become popular on many websites and has been involved with a magazine. Desiring for someone to trust to create his darkest fantasies with, he downloads Tinder, where he meets the sweetest man alive. But surely this man could find someone better than Dan, couldn’t he?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi there,,, so i have been writing this fic for a while but never uploaded it. i've had some people seem interested in this fic so i decided to publish it. the fic title is from "better than me" by the brobecks. thanks for all the support! this is also on tumblr and wattpad.

Dan adjusted his fringe in the reflection of his laptop with his fingertips, making it a little messy on purpose. His fluffy hat covered the rest of his hair, so he didn't bother straightening the rest. He'd put some chapstick on his lips, for once, to make them smooth and plump-looking. He pulled an innocent face for the camera, cupping his cheek with his fur mitten dramatically and snapping the picture. Then, he added a filter to the photo and posted it to his blog, captioned:

anyone want to buy me something off my wish list?? xx

At only eighteen, Dan Howell was an icon in the sex industry. The day he became legal, he was posting risque photos and his career was born. He's done a lot for his age — originally only posting his own photos and videos, but he now also does occasional professional content with an on-the-rise porn website and magazine company, which was about as "professional" as the career got.

Dan was definitely past the point of embarrassment. Of course, he was timid in the beginning; bashfully hiding himself behind a towel or a gaming controller or a pile of teddy bears. By the time he was getting paid, of course, he was perfectly content with the fact that everyone in the world who was over eighteen with a YouPorn account could see his ass. Maybe not his parents, but he was a lot more confident than he used to be.

Though, with all this, was hungry for more. Not necessarily more money, or more fans, but more experience. He craved to fulfill all his darkest fantasies since he started his career as a camboy, one day in his teenage bedroom. He knew he needed someone else to help him with his fantasies, but he didn't know what to do to find the person. That was the problem.

After being in a small interview for a Halloween issue of a magazine called "Gay UK Eighteen Plus", he had a new goal. He wanted a caring boyfriend that would double as dominant; someone could share those abstruse fantasies with.

Dan left his train of thought and checked the notes on his post, reblogging with the link since his fans seemed curious. He typed a message to his blog followers with his usual playful and flirty personality he used for his blog.

haha srry i forgot the link, durr ^_^

it's adameve.com/wishlist/camboydan

thank u bbs <3

He lifted his laptop up off of his desk, standing from his chair and climbing into bed with it on his lap. For a while, Dan had allowed himself to be surprised by the packages, waiting until they arrived to see what they were and who they were from. But that had changed when he figured out how to cheat the system. He went into his wish list, scrolling through and pretending to put all of the items in his cart, until he got a pop-up that said:

Shh! We can't show you this because someone may have purchased it for you already ;)

Dan was astonished, the most expensive thing, a one hundred and sixty magic pound vibrating wand, on the list, was purchased already. He'd have to thank that person especially well. Usually when he received a gift from the post, he discovered who it was and made them a sort of personalized video with the new items, for free, and then if the gifts were used in a video he was selling, he would give them a discount. It was his way of expressing gratitude while also indirectly saying please buy me more things because I literally get off to the attention.

Dan set his laptop to the side and stared up at his ceiling, thinking about who it could be buying him such expensive things. He wondered if that person would ever be willing to fill his darkest fantasies, let him be their sub, take control over him. Without his parents and brother around, it got awful lonely — and doing porn by himself was fun, but ever since he'd gotten his BDSM test results, he wanted someone to share his kinks with, which led his mind to sinful places.

He led himself through a quick, not that satisfactory wank, discovering that trying to use only his imagination was quite difficult. He went through his tag on his blog for his favorite porn actors, but he just wanted to experience the real thing. It had been longer than a month since he had gotten any opportunities with magazines or websites, and he didn't have the effort in him right now to network for a hookup, as badly as his teenage body craved sex.

Post-orgasm Dan felt romantically lonely again, so he pulled out his phone and downloaded Tinder. He knew himself better than to go out and actually meet someone like a normal person. Maybe not everyone on Tinder was super vanilla. He went about changing his Tinder profile countless times to what he deemed perfection, rolling around on the bed of his apartment.

Yes, Dan had his own apartment now. Again, despite being only eighteen. It wasn't like he was desperate to move out of the house, he got along with his parents and brother pretty decently (or at least, he used to) but there were too many close calls of being walked in on. Too many times where he was so close to finishing — an orgasm and a video — when his parents pulled up to the driveway. His enjoyment for pleasuring himself on camera was too great to risk getting caught. Plus, there was the traumatizing incident of his brother coming in without knocking; rambling about some event that happened at school, while Dan was in the process of testing out his new seven-inch dildo (thankfully under the covers.)

Another thing he discovered once he started filming himself was that it was extremely difficult to make himself quiet. He'd tried many things to block out the sounds — pillows, socks, putting his fist in his mouth — but the walls were simply too thin and he was simply too whiny.

The risk of getting caught in the act was too great, so he moved to an apartment in London and had a part-time job at a Tesco.

His parents didn't love the idea at first, thinking he was "far too immature and making young, stupid impulses" as well as other reasons including saving his apartment rent money for university. Once Dan came up with the excuse that living in London would help him get used to the city for his January internship at a law firm, his parents slowly became on board with his idea.

To be fair, Dan had accustomed to living alone quite well. Dan usually had been alone when he was living at home anyway, or at least sometimes it felt like he was. His new hobby and source of income had ended up working and supporting his flat after all, and Dan swore to his parents he was not trying to avoid law school, the path they wanted him to pursue. He was financially stable and having fun doing porn, but his family, for one, didn't know, and two, didn't approve of his gap year very much.

Dan stopped spacing out from thinking worry thoughts about his parents, paying his attention back to his phone and tapped on the box for his name.

Dan Howell, 18

No, he could not use his general pornstar name. Dan Howell was the emo boy in the twink category pleasuring himself, not the first date, good impression boy that Daniel was. It was as if he was creating his wholesome persona. He would seem like a fucking cherub. His phone keyboard clicked over and over again with backspaces and retyped letters.

Daniel H, 18

Now for a description. This was difficult, as it involved more about what Dan was like, but he also wanted to come off as mysterious so a decent, get-to-know you conversation could bloom.

hi i'm dan a human with below average qualities

Select All. Backspace. He could tell them about his emotional baggage and insecurities later. He entered a different personal summary.

i make videos about how awkwardly i strip and people cum to me

Too strong. He decided that camboy was not the first impression he wanted to give, and his new persona, Wholesome Daniel, would be the one to talk.

hi i'm dan, i'm nerdy, awkward and up for just about anything.

That sounded a little slutty, but after an hour of changing display pictures, his name and description, he just wanted to get himself out there already.

Daniel H, 18

hi i'm dan, i'm nerdy, awkward and up for just about anything.

Dan chose four photos of himself, one a mirror selfie with his tongue sticking out a little, one selfie of him with a stuffed bear, one with his DS, and one emo selfie where he held his hand up to his hair with his wrist showing bracelets. He didn't use any pictures of him with his friends, because he would feel bad for using the photos without permission, and plus, he hadn't seen the few ones he had in ages anyway. They all went off to university instead of taking a gap year. God, he looked like a pathetic loser that only took pictures of himself, which was kind of true, at least the selfie part.

Within minutes, Dan had more than six messages.

"Omfg are you that camboy"

"Sexy twink want your bussy pounded huh? Call m..."

"i saw you in gay uk!!!"

"Tinder keeps logging me out. Hit me up at..."

"Hey I'm not actually matching I just wanted to say that..."

"I'm 47 but I can show you a good time"

"Hi there, love xx"

Three fans, a bot, two old creeps, and one legitimate sounding person. He should've expected creepy messages similar to the anons he received on Tumblr, but Jesus fuck, this was not Grindr. It was almost scary how fast people recognized him, but he had to ignore them. He was too busy trying to find a boyfriend, so he couldn't answer the questions they'd ask. "What is a camboy like you doing on Tinder?" "Are you lost? You wanna be on Grindr." "Pornstars can't have relationships." Stuff like that. Stuff he knew already.

Dan risked the person who called him love, being attracted already to that pet name. Scrolling through his photos, it gave Dan a lot more to find captivating in this guy. He sat up curiously and read his phone.

PHIL LESTER MATCHED WITH YOU

Phil Lester: Hi there, love xx

Daniel H: hello there x

Phil Lester: Your pictures were so cute I had to learn more

Dan was blushing already. How on earth would he be able to go on a successful date if his cheeks were tinted pink from two messages? He'd look like a fucking tomato, it'd be embarrassing. Thank god for texting, honestly. He tried to sound more confident than he actually was over text to give a good impression to this Phil guy.

Daniel H: did you now?

Daniel H: what would you like to know, romeo?

Phil Lester: I'd love to know why you think you're nerdy ^_^

Daniel H: well...

The two texted for literal hours. Dan brought his phone and charger around all his apartment, answering as rapidly and as interestingly as possible. He cooked dinner while texting, almost burning it. Later he checked emails, played video games, all while multitasking and texting Phil through Tinder. Rarely ever did a message take more than ten minutes to be read the entire night. Dan had only fucked up once when Phil asked if he was okay with him being twenty-two and Dan answered with "four years is nothing." That probably sounded slutty as fuck, but Phil didn't pester him about it.

When he was snuggled up in bed, in the middle of writing a goodnight text, Phil sent:

Phil Lester: I've had a great time messaging, you seem so funny and sweet. I'd love to take you out somewhere

Daniel H: i'd love that honestly, where were you thinking?

Phil Lester: You mentioned you enjoyed coffee earlier, how about Starbucks?

Daniel H: sounds good to me ^_^

The two worked out a date and time, October 19th at 2pm. Dan was so excited and joyful. Even though it was his first day even talking to Phil, he could not stop thinking about him. Dan grabbed a pillow to cuddle with, imagining it being him, of course, and drifted off to sleep. Was he really this much of a hopeless romantic?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for supporting this fic! it already has 418 reads, 46 votes, and 16 comments on wattpad, 28 kudos on ao3, and 34 notes on tumblr (all as i’m writing this) which is crazy!!! thank you to everyone giving compliments and feedback, it really motivates me to keep writing.
> 
> another thing i’d like to mention is thank you to @star.eyed.howell on instagram, they won the cover “contest” for my cover on wattpad. i highly recommend you go look at it!! i love their cover and chose it because it was the best fitting. thank you to everyone who entered, all of the covers were beautiful and creative and if i could use all of them i would. i’ve decided to use the ones i didn’t pick as chapter photos on wattpad, and the one for this chapter is made by your_.daily_.phan_.trash on instagram. i’ll try to use everyone’s for a chapter photo eventually!
> 
> again, thank you for supporting better than me, enjoy this chapter! i love hearing you guys’ feedback, so don’t hesitate to dm me or anything. 
> 
> with love, floof <3

Dan grumbled to himself as his phone alarm went off. He tried to cover his ears with the pillow but its fluff failed to block out the obnoxious ringing. He stuck his hand out to grab his phone, just about to hit stop when he read October 19th - date w/ Phil <3.

He smiled at his alarm and turned it off, hopping out of bed quickly, his brain cluttered with excitement and anxiety as he rushed around his apartment for everything he needed in preparation for the date.

He took a quick but thorough shower, making sure he smelled nice. After his shower, he brushed his teeth about three times, applied deodorant and cologne, straightened his hair, added gel, and parted his fringe perfectly. Dan chose a white button-up shirt and black jeans at first, trying them on in the mirror. He decided his appearance was too formal, so he rushed to find another shirt. A while after shuffling through his entire closet, he chose a grayish black t-shirt to go with the pants instead.

To his surprise, he was about an hour early getting ready. He double checked that he completed everything he needed to, and sat on his couch, waiting for a time closer to two o'clock. Dan checked his phone and saw Phil had texted him.

Phil: I'm so excited to see you!

Was he really? Dan just seemed so boring compared to Phil. Phil's Tinder photos included adorable photos of him with his friends and family while Dan's were all awkward selfies. Phil was twenty-two, had graduated university, had the closest of bonds with his family, and had an impeccable emo haircut that Dan would kill to have. Phil seemed like he had it all, while Dan was taking a gap year, doing everything he could to avoid law school.

And, Dan did porn.

Dan had opened up to Phil a bit about his life over text throughout the past week or so, about his family, favorite things, and his job at Tesco, but he had failed to mention he did porn. He was still trying to seem wholesome and didn't want to lose Phil so early simply because he liked to film himself masturbating. What would Phil think? And how was he supposed to casually segue into that?

He can't just say "By the way, I show off my ass on camera for a living". Phil only knew about his part-time job, and that's all Phil was going to know about, for now. So what if the guilt ate Dan alive the longer he tried to hide it? Dan would rather have Phil like him with shame eating ravenously at his gut like a zombie than Phil be mad at him and Dan be forever alone for the rest of his life. And having to give up doing what he loved? No way. He finally replied to Phil's text:

Dan: so am i <3

As conceited as it sounded, Dan loved doing porn. He loved being confident in his body, he loved posing for pictures, and he loved the attention and money he earned. That would all have to change for Phil.

Shit, he hadn't really thought about all that, and he had to leave for Starbucks in about forty-five minutes. He had never felt guilty about his "hobby" before Phil.

He couldn't recall once where he had regretted posting a certain picture or video online for the world to see. Maybe some of his naughty posts were even silent acts of rebellion toward his parents instead of their intended purpose, to earn money and to get people off. These new emotions he was now connecting towards it were difficult to decipher.

No more networking for hookups, no more one on one sexy Skype calls, no more allowing people to flirt with him. How would he explain that to his audience?

Would people question why he wanted to stop doing hookups? Or get mad at him even? Would it create an imbalance between his followers, the ones who got to see more than the average eye and the ones who could only see what was free on his blog?

Dan chewed his lip nervously, his mind clouding with worry thoughts at the speed of sound, but was still going to try this date with Phil though. He had barely given Phil a chance before thinking about letting him go just to continue doing porn. It wasn't fair to him. Wasn't fair at all.

A few minutes later, Dan threw on a coat and made his way to Starbucks, as anxious as he was. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his head and took the time to immerse himself in the cool October air.

The Starbucks he was meeting Phil at wasn't far from his apartment. The second entered the coffee shop, he could feel the burn of a gaze on him, and then he saw Phil.

As Dan walked forward to the table, he took in his appearance. He looked better in real life, which seemed impossible from how well a camera could capture attractive photos of him.

In person, he looked older, not in a bad way, just more mature and realistic than the emo kid story his Tinder pictures told. His eyes were bright and hopeful, his smile beaming, if Dan wasn't so cold and wanting to sit down, he could've gawked at him from across the room. Dan smiled wide, accepting Phil's firm handshake and sitting down in the booth across from him.

He was wearing a plaid button-up with black skinny jeans, and wow. Dan never knew he could find an outfit attractive, too.

"Caramel macchiato, right?" Phil asked as he sat down. He gestured to the second cup on the table. Phil seemed to have sipped a bit of his drink while waiting on Dan, as there was some clear space between the lid and the foamy liquid.

Dan nodded, a macchiato sounded delicious right now, and his mouth had gone dry. As Phil passed over his drink, their hands touched and Dan blushed, shying away from his sky blue eyes and then glancing back to see Phil's cheeky smile. Dan hated when his skin was flush of pink, but maybe if Phil smiled like that every time he got embarrassed, he'd make sure to allow it more often.

"I had much fun texting these past few days... I brought my phone with me all around my flat," Phil admitted, having a sip of his coffee.

"So did I. The first night I almost burnt my dinner trying to finish a text about Crash Bandicoot," Dan giggled, scarlet dusting his cheeks again. He set down his cup to cover his face as he laughed. Phil giggled at that, making Dan grin even more. As they talked, their gazes traveled off, admiring the features of the face in front of them.

They rambled about their passions with hand movements many times, and when they didn't, Phil's fingers lightly grazed Dan's forearm, up to his fingers, and then back. It was affectionate and cute as if he didn't want his hands to be free and without touch. It was reassuring, comforting, and eased Dan's nerves as if he'd taken a Xanax before he left, but instead of the drug, he was intoxicated by the soft and welcoming presence of Phil.

"Your eyes are so much prettier in real life," Phil smiled, daring to peek up at them.

Dan fought his urge to protest - "no they aren't, they're just boring and brown...while yours are literally three beautiful colors..." and decided just to accept the compliment with a timid "thank you".

He wasn't even stiff, he practically melted into the soft touches, enjoying the way Phil's eyes lit up while talking. Phil never made anything sound boring, it was all casual, all fun. When Dan talked, Phil always seemed so genuinely interested, and never had a boring answer to Dan's questions. When asking his own, he admitted to worrying about them being too personal, but they never were, at least by Dan's standards, it just made him feel sincerely cared about.

"So what else do you like to do, Dan? Besides Crash Bandicoot," Phil laughed and poked his tongue through his teeth, which Dan found fucking irresistible.

"I'm boring. Aside from work, I play video games, watch movies, and... I like photography, I guess," Dan said with a shrug.

Please don't ask what type of photography, Dan begged in his mind.

"Oh, that's cool! I do too, I... I like video editing, I record myself," Phil responded.

Holy shit, did Phil -

"Record myself for YouTube, I mean, telling stories or doing weird skits or talking...that sounded suspicious," Phil chuckled.

False alarm.

"That sounds fun," Dan commented. "You'll probably find out something weird about me too, eventually."

Probably? Definitely.

Dan awkwardly curved the conversation away from discussing some more of his hobbies, desperately trying to avoid the topic of him being a camboy. Phil was positive, energetic and was fun and easy to get along with. He hoped he wasn't being too awkward, or clingy, or weird, but if he was, Phil didn't seem to mind.

"So, are you going to university? Assuming this is your gap year," Phil inquired.

Dan knew he was just being polite and getting to know him, but of course he had to ask about fucking university. What was everyone's obsession with school, anyway? He dreaded the thought of taking more than the required years of schooling. Dan hated the stigma around it, like everyone must go right after high school and if you didn't, you were a failure. He wanted to be living proof you could be successful without it if you worked hard enough. With pornography, he was doing just fine. No college education was required to orgasm to a laptop camera. He held back the roll of his eyes and exhaled heavily.

"Honestly, I hate the thought of me in uni. My parents want me to study law, but I'd rather die," Dan huffed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Phil replied sincerely, "What would you rather be doing?"

Porn. Dan just wanted to fucking say porn. But he couldn't get himself to say it, those five simple words. I want to do porn, he'd say. Or rather, I want to be in the adult film industry. I want to succeed further in the adult film industry.

"Not law," he answered sarcastically, sort of cutting off the conversation. Phil nodded and took the hint, taking a prolonged, awkward sip of his drink.

"I'm sure you'll find something, Dan. Everyone does. I'm sorry if I upset you," Phil said softly.

"No, it's alright," he answered. Dan was definitely not alright, he was tense and even becoming a little standoffish, but he tried to mute that part of his thinking. "I'm just really tired of being told I can't be successful without it. My dad - nevermind. This isn't a therapy session. Let's go walk around."

After disposing of their drinks, they walked around the city a bit, arms brushing past each other every so often.

"Do you think in an alternate universe that people randomly walk around in a city full of pigeons?" Phil asked as a flock of pigeons strolled beside them.

"What?" Dan laughed, enjoying Phil's tendency to blurt his strange thoughts aloud. Luckily, the conversation was long past discussing uni and he was back to being happy and enjoying their date. "I suppose so, there's an alternate universe for everything, right?"

"Is there one where you're having a good time?" Phil asked, grinning and timidly looking at Dan.

Dan chuckled playfully and stopped, "Oh Phil, don't worry. We're in that universe."

Phil sighed quickly to himself after receiving that seal of approval, lacing their fingers together not-so-casually. "Would you like to come back to mine?"

"I'd be delighted to," Dan smiled, his heart fluttering in his chest. Phil's flat.

That was such a vulnerable place, at least in Dan' eyes. For him personally, it would take more than a first date to invite Phil over. The amount of stuff he'd have to hide away up in the shelves of his closet would be crazy. Maybe that was just anxiety telling him to only show a certain percentage of himself, but he'd rather have the hassle of moving boxes of sex toys and other embarrassing objects up there than have Phil possibly judge him.

At Phil's flat, they snuggled up to watch a movie, progressively getting closer until Phil's arm was around Dan's waist. Dan smiled and leaned into him, and they chatted about the movie.

Phil admired Dan, not interested in the movie after a certain point, and blurted, "May I kiss you?"

Dan blushed the hardest he had the entire day, conveniently right where Phil could see. He then stuttered, "Y-yes, you may."

"Okay," Phil smiled, allowing Dan to move to face him. He pushed some of Dan's fringe out of the way. "Where?"

"Hmm, wherever you like," Dan said, hoping that didn't make him sound like a total whore. He'd intended for it to sound nice, like so that he trusted him.

His cheeks burned up again as he watched Phil's eyes survey his face, cupping and stroking his jaw with gentle fingertips. He skimmed his thumb over Dan's skin. Dan gazed at him fondly, watching Phil focus so intently on a spot on his lower right cheek, close to his dimple and maybe even where he recalled a freckle. Dan's cheeks were red hot with every small touch. Phil turned Dan's head slightly to peck that spot specifically.

"My dimple?" Dan giggled and blushed, looking into his eyes after. Phil smiled and shook his head as he watched the spot he kissed.

"No, your little rosy patch. It turns pinkish when you blush," he said and kissed it again tenderly. "It's cute, I thought it'd be more original to kiss there."

Dan's heart could have melted. Phil was too sweet. Too sweet for a camboy. Dan felt that Phil deserved better.

Was he? Dan knew he was capable of loving someone, but he didn't know if he was ready for the passion, trust, and vulnerability of the relationship he was desiring. He had never interlocked romance and sex, they were two separate things at the moment. Never crossing paths. Dan didn't associate them together. Surely you could have romance without sex, and surely you could have sex without romance, but Dan deeply desired both.

"You're too sweet," Dan murmured, nuzzling himself in Phil's chest. "You deserve...better than me."

Phil frowned and played with his hair, "Don't say that Dan, I know I haven't known you long, but I know you deserve someone who cares about you as much as I do."

Fuck. Dan could cry. The original kisses, the cuddling, the hair playing, it was all so wonderful.

He just let out a little grumble sound in response, Phil adjusting his position so they could lay down. Dan's head was still on his chest and their legs tangled up at the end of the couch. Dan felt giddy.

Dan could feel and hear Phil's steady heartbeat, and he tried to calm himself down more by focusing on his breathing so he could rest. He'd had a long day of worrying about what Phil thought of him, but he'd gotten the reassurance that all of the thoughts Phil had were positive. He just wanted to be a little spoon. He relished in Phil's warm arms holding him close and let out an elongated, content sigh.

Insecurity was out the window. For now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the support of this fic! if you want you can also support this fic on my wattpad and tumblr, both floofdjh :)

Dan ended up napping until late in the evening, still on Phil's lap. He woke up a few hours later, sleepily blinking his eyes open and looking at the TV. The movie was way past over and was now playing some crappy late night show.

"You up?" Phil asked, watching him stir.

"Mm?" Dan mumbled and turned his head to look at him. His fringe was a bit messy and he seemed to have napped too. Phil fetched his phone from the coffee table and checked the time.

"It's getting dark, love, you want to spend the night?" Phil asked politely.

As much as Dan wanted to say yes, he shook his head no and said, "Don't wanna sit around to bother you."

He didn't wanna be a bum, and he also knew he had to film a video early tomorrow before work, so if he stayed, the morning would be a little rushed. Plus, Dan didn't know how much longer he could be around Phil without speeding up their relationship because he really, really just wanted to make out with those beautiful lips Phil had, with the perfect shade of pink and the perfect angles of his cupid's bow. But he restricted himself and decided it was far too early.

"I have to work too," Dan reasoned.

He hesitantly rose up from Phil's lap, yawning and stretching. Phil stood up beside him and fixed his hair with his fingers, awkwardly watching Dan collect his things.

"I had a lot of fun, Phil," Dan assured him.

"So did I," Phil brightly smiled, and Dan chuckled a little bit at his tongue sticking out from his teeth.

They walk to Phil's door and Dan doesn't know what to do. Does he hug Phil, or kiss him, or shake his hand again?

"Goodnight Phil," he mentioned, aiming for a side hug. He supplied him a quick peck on the cheek, making his own cheeks burn and his dimple deepen.

"Goodnight Dan. Make sure you text me when you get home safe," Phil said, grinning and blushing as well.

Dan found that sweet. He smiled at the ground as he left his flat, making his way to the stairs. He took a quick tube ride home, discovering they didn't live too far from each other. Once he got home, he set his things on the island of his kitchen and made sure to send the text.

Dan: i'm safe at home you nerd

Phil: <3

Dan felt warm and bubbly. Phil made the date a thousand times better than the anxiety in his head told him it was going to be. They had a lot of fun chatting, walking, and eventually napping on Phil's couch.

While Dan got ready for bed, he inspected his deemed 'rosy patch' in the mirror and decided it was his new favorite part of his body. He curled up in bed in only boxers, opening his blog and reblogging from his dashboard here and there, supporting some other camboys and promoting the newest magazine issue for the company he'd been working for. His feature in the magazine wasn't posted, but he hoped his boost would draw attention to his fans and make them want to purchase the magazine.

Once he settled in his covers, he answered some quick messages on his Tumblr blog.

Anonymous asked: where were you all day? :'(  
camboydan answered: kissing boys

Anonymous asked: Your captions are funny. What's your favorite one you've written?  
camboydan answered: probably the gif of me borderline fisting myself with the caption "me thinking about your dad"

Anonymous asked: I will anal you  
camboydan answered: romance at its finest

Anonymous asked: favorite toy?  
camboydan answered: it's in the post, some angel just ordered it for me <3 i will make a video once it arrives ^_^

He logged off of Tumblr after a few minutes, then sent Phil a quick text message.

Dan: goodnight <3

He placed his phone on his stomach, looking up at the darkness of his ceiling. Phil was so unbelievably sweet. Dan felt a genuine connection and honestly could get used to this much affection and care. But he wasn't so sure about in the bedroom.

Dan might feel bad when he admits all of his kinks and fantasies and Phil doesn't want that. He wouldn't do anything Phil was uncomfortable with, but knowing himself he'd probably feel like he was missing out if all he could get was vanilla, if that. He wanted to hurt, wanted to have someone control him, he wanted to experience so much with someone. But if Phil could help with that, he didn't know.

He felt his phone buzz against his skin.

Phil: I thought you were a night owl, guess I'll stay up online by myself then  
Phil: Goodnight though, I loved hanging out with you today xx

Dan smiled at his phone, feeling warm and giddy.

Dan: i am, i can stay up if you'd like. i'm a little restless at the moment

Phil: Okay :)

Dan: i have never really paid attention to my "rosy patch" before :P

Phil: No?   
Phil: I think it's adorable and you should definitely pay more attention to it

Dan: awwr thank uuu :]  
Dan: what did you think of our date? was i super awkward i'm sry

Phil: I'm awkward too so it's okay  
Phil: I had fun and I felt happy all day, I enjoy talking/going on walks/watching movies/napping with you

Dan: me toooo it made me all gushy :3

Phil: Me too :]

Phil: You're cute when you snore as well

Dan: omg ;__; you're too sweet to me

The two continued to flirt, disgusting and gushy as always. Dan was grinning adorably at his phone late into the night until his eyes stung. He had a feeling this would soon become routine with Phil to text.

Dan: i'm half asleep i'm actually gonna go to sleep now, thanks for telling me about your weird childhood and your cheesy pickup lines ^_^ <3

Phil: You're welcome, sleep well love x

Dan reached across his bed for his imaginary Phil pillow, nuzzling his face into the side of it like the little spoon he was and falling asleep. It was easy to rest while he was thinking happy thoughts.

When Dan woke up, he discovered he drooled on the pillow a bit. Hopefully, he didn't drool on the real Phil yesterday while they were cuddling. He sighed happily and snuggled into the pillow again, until hearing a loud knock on the door.

He grunted and got up groggily, pulling on a shirt real quick and answering the door. A delivery man that looked just as tired as him stood in his doorway, dressed in uniform with messy, blonde hair.

"Delivery for...Daniel Howell?"

"Yep," Dan said sleepily. He accepted the package and tells the delivery person goodbye. Thanks to its discreet packaging, the person had no idea what it was.

It was his new vibrating wand, the expensive one. He frantically took the package to his kitchen and opened it with some scissors, then stared and the box inside. Dan took his time removing the cover and finally looked at his new toy.

It was very long, colored white and blue. The wand came with a charging cord, and according to the box, it had multiple vibration settings. He excitedly plugged it in to charge right on his kitchen counter and ran to read the reviews on his laptop.

He pulled up the link as he brought his laptop into the lounge. The reviews were fantastic. The only cons that were mentioned was that it was loud, but Dan knew he'd probably drown it out with his noise. Dan tended to be loud and whiny; perfect for the type of porn his blog followers craved. He'd discovered it was quite difficult to use certain toys when he was at home with his family home.

Once the vibrator was finished charging, he set up his laptop to film himself on his bed. He stripped of the shirt he'd put on and laid on his back in front of the camera, cutting out his face. The camera only caught his belly, torso and thighs and had the perfect view of him testing the new toy. Dan clicked record, and turned on the vibrator.

He started at a low setting, gently rubbing it through the outline in his boxers. The vibrations felt wonderful to him. Dan turned a bit more towards the camera and rubbed the toy up and down his dick through the fabric. It caused him to twitch and mewl as the vibrations teased through the cotton. He was growing very hard, very fast.

With one hand, Dan palmed himself, and with the other, he teased himself with the vibrator. He continued this for a few minutes until he couldn't take any more teasing and had to kick his boxers off his legs. They plummeted to the floor beside his bed as he rose the massager up and down, base to head. He held up his dick against the toy and moaned softly, watching himself in the reflection of the laptop camera.

The reviews were so true. Once he got moaning, it was difficult for him to stop, strings of whimpers and whines escaping his throat for every movement. He slowly stroked himself with every heavy exhale alongside the vibrator. Sweat bunched his hairs upon his forehead and heat pooled in his stomach.

Dan played up his moans a little bit, normally he was loud but on camera but he made his gasps even more dramatic. He bucked his hips up against the toy and whined, rotating the toy around the head of his dick. His hips stuttered and shook around, sounds of the rustling sheets filling his ears as well as the loud noise from the vibrations. The video made its way to fifteen minutes slowly as he kept pleasuring himself with the vibrator.

His dramatized moans made it sound like he was crying, his little whimpers and mewls picking up well on the microphone of his laptop. The vibrations felt incredible against his sensitive skin, heat pulsing through his body as his sounds increased. With a guttural string of moans, he finally climaxed, right on his stomach and where his camera could see.

"Oh god," he moaned, cum spurting onto his tummy. He exhaled heavily a few times and finally clicked off the recording, then got up quickly to his bathroom.

He cleaned up with a towel and made his way back into bed, opening up his video editing program and starting to edit his new video. He would schedule it to post sometime when he was at work later today, opening boxes or helping customers or whatever else they had him do.

He heard his phone buzz softly and set his laptop aside, pulling his covers around until he found his phone. Dan saw a new text from Phil, ones from this morning that he received while filming.

Phil: Good morning Dan x  
Phil: I have to film today and I don't want to do it :(

Dan: get it over with so you can hurry up and talk to me instead xx

Dan set his laptop back in front of him and began trimming the video, cutting it down to only the decent clips, like the ones where he was moaning loud or twitching or whatever else he thought his audience would enjoy.

His audience. Dan hadn't really thought about all of the accounts that followed him for a while. Was posting this video to probably thousands of people cheating?

No, probably not, since it wasn't directly sent to them. He would just message the sender of the massager a quick thank you and not send a personalized video this time. They might be upset, but Dan couldn't film a video for someone with Phil's face in his mind. He would feel so guilty.

Once he had finished editing his video, which took about an hour, he queued it on his blog and YouPorn for while he was at work later, and posted a cheeky text post as a teaser.

camboydan: new video VERY soon (; <3

Dan often did this to draw more attention to his content. His blog was full of teasers in between videos, photos, and gifs of him exposing himself. Thinking about how much content he had posted since June eleventh, on his birthday, was crazy. Recently he posted at least twice a week, juggling his job as well, and it was October.

He could remember his very first photo set, two pictures of him naked in a pile of teddy bears. The post hadn't become popular until he really gained his "fame". His first video is the one that caught on, one where he was using the first toy he'd ever bought.

Until then, he had admired other camboys and pornstars online, wanting so badly to be like them. It took a while for him to be noticed by Gay UK Eighteen Plus as well, but once they reached out to him, he blew up more, hitting the top spot for the tags 'twink' or 'emo' or 'teen' on many porn websites. When that occurred, he knew he had gained a following he had to keep up with, that he wasn't just posting into the void anymore. Dan had to keep a posting schedule and follow it, which was hard getting used to at first.

Posting content often was difficult with his parents and brother around, thank god he'd moved to London. It was hard to keep himself quiet sometimes, and the stress of how discreet the packaging was, and where he hid his toys and clearing his laptop history and all that. That was the real reason he'd moved here.

Not for law university or a law firm internship or whatever other reasons he managed to convince his parents of. They didn't even send Dan rent money since this was Dan's "careless" decision, he paid for it all himself, with the help of paychecks from Tesco and PayPal transfers from his pornography.

When it was time to get ready for work, he hustled around his apartment to find a clean set of clothes to wear. The dress code was simple; a solid colored polo and nice pants, that could be black, navy blue or khaki. Dan would rather die than be caught wearing ugly beige, so he had bought a week's worth of black skinny jeans.

He adjusted his collar in the mirror and grasped his things for work, then headed off to the tube. When he was seated in an uncomfortable plastic chair, he received a text from Phil.

Phil: Okay I finished my video ^_^

Dan: perfect timing, i'm on my way to work :(

Phil: Aw. Talk to me when you're done?

Dan: ofc <3

Despite it only being a day, Dan already missed Phil, the way his mouth was in a permanent cheeky smirk, the gorgeous blue of his eyes, the way he had held Dan close on the couch.

He was sure it was definitely a crush, not just someone he was falling in love with simply because they were paying attention to him. He liked Phil for Phil, and could see their future together already.

So what if it was too early for Dan to be thinking about what the theme of their wedding would be? Dan thought he couldn't be blamed; that Phil was just that lovable and inspirational.

Another thing Dan wondered about was Phil mentioning YouTube. Dan was curious about how different it was compared to his work. They had themselves being filmed in common, but their work was assuredly very, very different - opposite like yellow and violet on a color wheel, contrasting sides of a spectrum, opposite poles of the world. Their videos and lifestyles must be so, so diverse.

Or maybe they were closer to being alike, analogous colors instead of complementary colors. Maybe, with all the nerdy video game talk, geeky movie talk, and other things they had in common, they weren't so much opposites.

Either way, Dan was in love with it. In love with the concept of them being together. He barely knew Phil, but he his gut told him that he was his missing puzzle piece, the one that was going to be there for him. Maybe even the one who could help him with his parents.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter notes: this chapter contains multiple scenes of smut - you’ve been warned. also, sorry this chapter was v late, i like being a few chapters ahead just in case. last thing, i changed it to be chronologically (and easier for the story) that phil is graduated from university instead of still in it. hope that doesn’t raise confusion - otherwise enjoy!

Dan was surprisingly responsible for being an eighteen year old with his own apartment. Sure, it wasn't luxury, but with his part-time job and porn, he was saving up for a future that was hopefully not law school. He was proud of himself for being able to wake up early enough to film and edit a video on a work day again. Typically he'd have to film three in one day on a weekend and save them for the weekdays, but this week, he was motivated. He scheduled the video to go up for sale and the teaser to post while he was at work, logged out, and had some quick lunch.

The past few weeks he had been spending at least one of the seven days with Phil. From casual hours playing video games on the couch to eating fancy food and drinking fancy cocktails in a sky bar, they had continued keeping in touch. Dan really liked Phil, but aside from little compliments and sweet nothings, he couldn't tell if Phil was as invested in him back.

Probably, as he was still talking to Dan as much as Dan was with him. Surely Phil wouldn't be spending this much time with him if he didn't want their relationship to blossom like Dan did. He wouldn't be buying him things or listening to what he had to say.

While eating his lunch, his legs up on the coffee table and his back slumped into the couch, he remembered he had received a text from him. He always loved Phil's quirky texts of course, but when he'd gotten it, it was at an extremely inconvenient time, as he was filming himself for the video he was selling.

Dan had been filming a bit lazily today, leaned against his bathroom wall and filming with his phone instead of his laptop. He held his phone shakily, thrusting a toy into himself. About halfway through the recording, he got the silent notification from Phil.

Phil: Hey! Are you busy today xx

And fuck, despite that being the most innocent text ever, he started thinking about Phil in the most non-innocent ways.

He had to adjust his legs so that he could hold his balance better, and he was too far gone at the time to notice it was too early to think of anything remotely sexual with Phil involved. Dan was moaning breathily, thrusting the large toy quicker. He arched his back, getting very...vocal, to say the least. Fuck, he wanted - no, needed - Phil to make him feel this way.

He closed his eyes tight and let his imagination take control, turning the toy in his wrist into the illusion of something real. Dan tricked himself to imagine skin on skin, curling his toes at the thought and heavily exhaling with each short breath. Adjusting the position of the toy, he gasped, his right hand holding his phone trembling.

Phil probably looked so irresistible during session. Dan imagined his broad chest and his perfect hips and smooth jaw and his big hands...

"Mmmph, fuck," he choked out, teetering on the edge. "Fuh-fuck-"

He adjusted it one last time to curl upward, and finally, pictured Phil watching, and came. That was the best orgasm he'd experienced in a long time, and he had at least once daily for some time now.

When Dan watched the video back, he'd found himself hot, and he knew his followers would too. He was squirming and quivering, looking vulnerable and submissive as all hell. The men that preyed on him and begged to privately talk to him would be hopefully pleased with it.

He wondered if Phil would like it too.

He wondered what Phil was into.

Shit, Dan could not think about that right now. He should be on his way to work soon. He shook his head, tried to force himself to think about the family dog instead, and texted Phil back.

Dan: sorry i didn't reply, i was getting ready for work. i'm busy today, maybe tomorrow?? :3

He quickly cleaned up his dishes and headed out for work, and around the time he was about to arrive near Tesco, his phone went off.

Phil: Right, I forgot it was a work day :-(

Phil: I wanna see your place, can I come over at 3 tomorrow

Dan texted quickly, grabbing the rail in support of the large halt to stop.

Dan: yes i'll give you the address after work i'm running a little late

Phil: Okay have a good shift Dan <3

The entire shift, Dan was struggling with some guilt about earlier. He conveniently hadn't thought about it until his shift started, of course. Dan still hadn't told Phil about his...hobby. He felt that it was unfair to Phil that he had used him to get off (and make about £5 per buyer of his video.) Phil would probably be upset with him if he knew what else besides work occupied his time, his thoughts told him.

He faced a whole aisle worth of products forward, replaying how the conversation would go in his head over and over again; decently, awkwardly, horribly. How would that conversation even start? Is there any way he could not awkwardly segue into it? Would Phil be mad or upset with him about it? Would Phil fulfill his fantasies later on if he did accept the fact Dan did porn?

Dan couldn't think about that right now either, he decided. He'd have to shelf it for later, much like he was doing with the cans of food on display. It was a problem he would face in the future, and he had work to focus on right now. He would deal with it when the time came. He shoved the heavy supply cart forward to go stock some crackers and cookies, leaving his thoughts behind.

When Dan got home about six hours later, he went onto his blog. His video from the other week had blown up, and subscriptions to his private YouPorn website were coming in through emails like crazy. His PayPal account had the most money in it he'd ever seen. He scrolled through the notes, apparently, the magazine Gay UK Eighteen Plus had acknowledged him again. They had reblogged the video of him using the vibrating wand that he'd uploaded a few weeks ago. Gay UK also had sent him an email as well, in between all of his notifications from his private website.

-

Subject: December Issue

To: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

From: alexjo@gayukmag.com

Hey Dan!

Your video with the wand was super duper hot, and a number of people agree. We'd love to have you come in for more photos for our December issue, which launches on the 7th.

If you may, stop by our building on November 21st anytime we are open, we encourage you to do so! We will be taking photos all day, as this will be a special Christmas-y/Winter Wonderland themed print. Some photos will be more whimsical with cute props like Christmas cookies, stuffed animals and ornaments, while others will be full-on graphic scenes.

We will discuss prices at the end of the day and/or send you an email, but we can guarantee that your time will not be wasted, and all our performers will be paid well for this print. We are hoping for this to be our biggest, most selling issue yet, so we ask that you hype up the December edition of Gay UK 18+ on your social media platforms.

Hope to see you there!

Alex

-

Dan was smiling wide. He was proud of the video he had made and was glad to see his work paid off. Of course, he would be going to the photo shoot, despite never being in one before. This could get him some good money, and open up his opportunities even more. Phil and his parents left his mind as he quickly replied to the email.

-

Subject: Re: December Issue

to: alexjo@gayukmag.com

from: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

Thank you so much for the offer! I will definitely head over on the 21st. I am looking forward to help the company achieve their most popular magazine print.

Dan

-

After dinner, Dan tidied up his apartment a bit before going off to his bedroom. His motivation for cleaning derived from the fact Phil was coming over tomorrow, so he had vacuumed, dusted, swept, and neatly organized his entire apartment to the best of his ability.

He wanted to make a good impression on Phil since he would be seeing his flat for the first time because Phil's showed so much of his personality. Dan's flat however was pretty monochrome and minimalistic, and he wasn't sure it described himself very accurately. He had a large collection of video games and movies in the black bookshelf, Rock Band guitars crammed next to his TV, and random things from his teenage bedroom sprawled around the living room, but aside from that, there was quite the lack in color.

The kitchenette had loads of takeout and to go orders in the refrigerator, and had boring beige cabinets and counters. The bedroom had Dan's large, comfy bed in the middle and his dresser with random knick-knacks on top across from it. On his bed and the nightstand were his collection of stuffed animals. It was a few notches less nerdy than Phil's.

Once curled up in his bedroom, he had gotten a little bored scrolling his blog again when he nearly dropped his laptop off the edge of the bed. A porn actor that looked similar to Phil was on his dashboard. Maybe not exactly Phil at this exact point in time, but it could have been almost him from the future.

"Fuck," Dan whispered to himself.

The man had blue eyes and black hair just like Phil, but instead of it being in a messy, emo nest with an impeccable fringe, it was neatly cut and styled into more of a quiff. The guy didn't have Phil's nose or body type either, but it was still enough of a Phil lookalike to get Dan's mind wandering and trailing far, far off.

Technically, he had already enjoyed an orgasm today, but another one couldn't hurt.

Dan looked around his bedroom. He had just cleaned up his collection of sex toys, putting them in discreet boxes in the top of his closet to hide from Phil tomorrow. He remembered he had one 'emergency' toy, so he quickly fished for it, cleaning supplies and a bottle of lube in his nightstand.

This was his first ever toy he'd ever bought — the first thing ever inside him aside from his fingers (and the phallic end of a hairbrush he'd stolen from his mum) so not only was it good as a toy, but it held sentimental value. It was beaded glass, smooth and cool. The slider was clear pink, five inches long and had a small, two-inch hoop at the end, making it easy to use on himself. He rushed as fast as he could to clean up the toy, just to be sure, before lying comfortably back into bed and shuffling off his boxers.

Only his dim lamp lit the room as Dan laid on his back, his legs spread and up but both tucked at the knee. His shaky hands grabbed for the lube, which he spread onto his hands swiftly. One hand reached to start pumping his dick while the other began to rub at his hole. He wouldn't need too much stretching, but he enjoyed the feeling of his soft, slick fingertips running up and down his crease.

He moaned, turning to his laptop slightly while slowly jerking off. The wet sounds of the lube against his skin and the wailing sounds of his moans and gasps were intoxicating, echoing throughout his bedroom. It wasn't long before he took the glass toy and began thrusting it inside himself. His mind traced on Phil and lookalike Phil, his bottom lip stinging from the indents of his teeth. Dan's toes curled tight, his thighs trembled from staying up and apart, his eyes pushed back in pleasure with his breathy, high pitched gasps increasing in speed and volume.

"Fuck, Phil....fuck," he moaned, his mind flashing images faster than he could process them. He sped up both hands to match each other, the movements of each wrist on the hilt and the end of the toy in sync. Dan couldn't contain his noises as he thought about everything he so desperately wanted to try.

He wanted to ride Phil, that was one, for sure. His face, when he was all nice and clean, his thighs around his head as he moaned and rode his tongue. The soft skin of his smooth legs against Phil's stubble would feel so good. His thigh, when Phil would be distracted and Dan wanted to be the center of attention, so grinding into his thigh and whimpering desperately would get him what he desired. Dan knew how bratty he could potentially be. And of course, his cock, because who wouldn't. Maybe level headed Dan wanted to wait a bit, to not speed things up, but horny Dan wanted to ride him as soon as fucking possible.

He wanted to arch his back and stretch his arms out to perfectly ride him, fucking himself against his cock, which Dan hoped would stretch him out. He would rub his hands over the expanse of Phil's chest as he grinded his hips up and down, his hole clenched tight as he shifted his torso. Dan was fucking loud when he rode things, he knew from other people's compliments and watching his own videos back. He hoped that Phil would love it, and be totally enamored with his noise, all from the work of trying to make him feel exhilarated.

Dan panted quickly, deciding the toy wasn't doing enough of its job and speeding up even more, if possible. His mind wandered off further, of course, he wanted everything vanilla with Phil, but he wanted even more, eventually. It would be so fucking hot to have Phil bending him over and smacking his ass, or letting him fuck his throat until he cried, or tying him up and doing whatever he wanted...

Fuck, Dan needed that. He craved it tremendously, craved sexual experiences. Doing things with Phil would just be a bonus.

He turned the hilt of his toy slightly so it was directly hitting his prostate and he shuddered at the direct contact, curling his toes tight. The rounded edge of the smooth glass thrusting against it easily led him to cum, the overwhelming heat flushing over his body as he orgasmed. A loud, raspy wail escaped past his lips as his head tilted back, cumming onto his lower stomach.

He slowed himself to stop, catching his panting breaths to return to a calmer speed. It took everything he had to get up, quickly wipe himself off with tissues and finish cleaning up his room. His thighs ached as he moved around to change his bedsheets, pick up dirty clothes and pick an outfit out for tomorrow. He cleaned off his toy and set in on his nightstand, realizing he had gotten a series of texts from Phil.

Phil: Back home from work?  
Phil: I bought a movie to bring to your place tomorrow ^_^  
Phil: Sorry to bother you, but I still need your address O_o

Of course, Dan was too busy masturbating earlier to see the texts. Again. He blushed, despite no one being there, and quickly responded:

Dan: ah fuck sorry i got caught up at work a bit and i've been in a cleaning frenzy to tidy my apartment up

Dan also added his address through another text and left his phone open while he got ready for bed. He decided he'd have a good bath tomorrow before Phil arrived so that he would smell good and Phil would enjoy cuddling him. Or more.

No, fuck. He had to wait, they'd only been seeing each other and/or talking for about three weeks. He didn't want to fuck up this relationship. He wanted to be devoted to Phil, and that meant considering Phil's emotions. Dan just wanted to smell good so they could cuddle while watching whatever movie Phil had bought.

Phil: Okay, good to know you want to impress me xD  
Phil: My flat was super messy the first time you came, oops >.<

Dan: mine is 1000% of the time :-)

Phil: Except this time

Dan: except this time

Phil: Try new things?

Dan: try new things <3

Dan settled into bed finally and began typing a text. He watched the typing bubble pop up a few times, before disappearing. Phil was probably waiting for Dan to finish his text that he kept rewriting about a thousand times. He did not want to fuck this up. He dared to text his true feelings.

Dan: i can't believe how much i miss you for just seeing you last week

Dan's cheeks burned, that probably sounded so annoying and clingy.

Phil: Me too :] <3  
Phil: I can't wait to see your rosy patch again

Thank god.

Dan: omfg  
Dan: i can't wait to be cuddling on the couch watching whatever movie you bought for us <3

Phil: I heard it's a good movie. My friend PJ said he cried when he saw it

Dan: aw don't worry i have plenty of tissues

Phil: Okay :)

Dan: i'm sleepy zzz  
Dan: i'll see you tomorrow at 3 :]

Phil: Goodnight love x

Dan smiled softly, plugging in his phone and curling up into bed. He continued his habit of cuddling pillows, laying on one as if it were Phil's chest, and drifting off.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!! (later note: idk why but this chapter for a while didn’t have the entire thing in ao3 and whenever i tried to fix it by copying and pasting the chapter it won’t show the rest it won’t work??? but now it should be okay)

Dan allowed himself to sleep in the morning before Phil was coming over. When he did wake up, he quickly sent Phil a good morning text and got up to bathe. After dressing up nicely, he cleaned up his couch, putting a blanket and pillows out for them to easily cuddle on. He decided he was going to order pizza as well once Phil arrived at three.

While he waited for Phil's text an hour early, he filled out his calendar on his kitchen wall. Dan drew a little camera in sharpie on the 21st as a reminder to himself of the photo shoot. At 2:45 he received the text he'd been waiting for.

Phil: I'm on my way to your apartment  
Phil: It's getting quite chilly already...brrr

Dan: hurry up and come cuddle me then you dork xx

Dan was giddy and nervous as he paced around his apartment. His heart nearly skipped a beat when he heard the soft knock at his door. Upon hearing the knock, he waited promptly ten seconds to open it, not wanting to look as eager as he actually was.

"Hi," Phil grinned, his blue eyes glowing as he looked Dan up and down. Dan's cheeks heated up as he allowed Phil inside.

"Hey," he finally answered, biting his lip as Phil shifted his gaze to various places around his apartment.

"I like it, it's nice. It looks good, I'm glad you took the effort to clean it up," Phil chuckled.

"Yeah, I spent a few hours on it, despite it being small..." Dan said and met his eyes. He grinned a cute, shy smile at him, hoping he was impressed. Phil seemed like he was.

"I got you a present...it's nothing big, I just saw it on...you know how at stores they put the small shelves near the checkout that basically force you to buy little things?" Phil asked as he slung his bag off his shoulder and placed it on the end of the couch.

"I know exactly," Dan replied, excited about the mention of a gift. He eagerly sat down at the other end of the couch, watching Phil sneakily take whatever the object was out of his bag and hide it behind his back.

"Close your eyes," Phil requested. Dan did so, feeling the couch cushion move slightly from Phil sitting close to him. "Now hold out your hands."

Dan held out his palms, and in a few seconds a fluffy, plush object was placed onto them. He giggled and bit his lip again, "Can I open my eyes?"

"Yes," Phil was beaming as he watched Dan open his eyes. Dan quickly decided it was the cutest object he had ever been gifted in his entire life.

It was a small, soft Winnie the Pooh plushie. It was maybe about seven inches tall and he was holding a pot of honey with a heart on it. Somehow perfect for his toy collection.

"Oh my god!" Dan squealed, examining it and hugging it tightly. "It's so fucking cute! I love it!"

Phil laughed adorably, biting his tongue. He looked fondly at Dan, and Dan looked fondly back.

"What was this for? It's not my birthday or anything," he asked as he held it close to his heart.

"Just thought of you when I saw it," Phil shrugged. Dan scooted inches closer to hug him. Maybe he had before, but at the moment it felt like no one had ever done this for him. Just randomly thinking of him throughout the day like that. It was a nice feeling, to be cared about. He felt Phil's chest laugh as they hugged. "I'm glad you like it, Dan."

"I do, I love it," Dan murmured. He glanced down at Phil's lips, sucking in his own for the millionth time and pondering kissing him. Phil met Dan's eyes when he looks back into his.

Dan felt warm all over. One arm was wrapped around Phil's back while the other was slowly slipping from his shoulder down to his chest. Phil's arms were around Dan's waist comfortably, like they belonged there. His heart raced in his chest as he debated kissing Phil, but luckily he didn't have to think much longer because sooner or later Phil was kissing him already. On the lips.

Dan fluttered his eyes shut. He tilted his head slightly to keep their lips securely together. His lips felt tingly once they kissed, he almost couldn't believe they'd gone nearly three weeks without kissing on the lips before. It was heavenly.

As long as he could control himself and keep it in his goddamn pants, this date, if you could call it that, would go perfectly. Phil was making that extremely difficult because he was starting to suck on Dan's bottom lip a little bit. The kiss lasted for a few minutes, but when they both gently pulled away, Dan felt like it had lasted seconds. God, did he want more, but he managed to control himself.

He chuckled awkwardly and smiled at Phil, who looked just as giddy and awkward as him. Both of their faces were tinted pink. Dan pecked his lips once more with a giggle before asking, "So what movie did you bring?"

"Oh, I brought Wall-E," Phil smiled and let go of Dan to reach for his bag to take out the DVD case. Dan nodded and put it into his TV. They ordered pizza a few minutes before the movie started and kept their distance, just enjoying the silence between them contrasting to the opening credits of the film.

Dan cuddled his soft plushie in his lap, watching the beginning of the movie intently. A few minutes in he felt Phil stirring beside him. He looked down at the couch to see Phil walking his fingers toward Dan's hand. Dan looked up at him and Phil started blushing and laughing.

Reaching out his held his hand, Dan giggled back with him, "Don't wanna cuddle too comfortably yet before the pizza arrives," Phil whined a little.

"Good point," Dan smiled cheekily. He kissed the back of Phil's hand and looked into his eyes as he did so. Phil genuinely looked surprised by the gesture. Phil rapidly turned his cheeks away to giggle and blush.

Right before Dan could say anything about it, his doorbell was ringing, notifying that the pizza had arrived. Dan reluctantly let Phil's hand slip from his to get up from the couch.

"Make sure you pause it!" he shouted after Phil.

"I am!" Phil called back.

Dan answered the door to receive the pizza and pay rather quickly, not wanting to miss a moment of time with Phil. He grabbed some Ribena from the fridge and a roll of paper towels and headed back into the living room.

"Pizza," Dan broke the awkwardness and silence of TV. Phil immediately perked up and smiled, helping him settle in the sofa. They clinked their Ribenas and put Wall-E back on.

After Dan's third slice of pizza, he decided he couldn't handle another second of not being cuddled, so he forced himself onto Phil's lap. Winnie the Pooh sat at the other end of the couch, watching the movie too. Phil just chuckled at Dan's affection and laid across the couch with him on his lap. He pulled up the blanket over them and grabbed another piece.

"Lemme have some," Dan grumbled, his cheek squished against Phil's chest. Phil rolled his eyes and took a bite from the side before lowering it to meet Dan's mouth. Dan ate a dainty bite from it then moved his head back to snuggle against him.

After finishing his slice, Phil had the courtesy to wipe off his greasy fingers in a napkin prior to gently raking his fingers through Dan's hair. He was careful to not block the view of the TV, and his fingers were shaky, but Dan didn't mind; he just melted into the touches. His other hand was caressing Dan's spine up and down, then occasionally going in patterns along his back.

"You smell good," Phil mumbles into Dan's hair. "I like that you smell really good but it's not super strong."

"Yeah?" Dan answered softly. "I hate super strong cologne."

Phil nodded and pushed Dan's hair behind his ear, out of the way of his forehead. He placed a small kiss on the skin and went back to focusing on Wall-E. Dan made a happy noise and turned his gaze away too.

Turns out they did end up crying at the film, so they shared the tissue box and wiped each other's tears away. Phil even seemed a little worried by the amount of tears Dan was producing and made sure it was only the two robots in love making him cry.

"I'm fine," he muffled into Phil's shirt. "It's just so sweet. I hate Pixar."

Once the movie ended, Dan opted to get up to put away the half-eaten pizza. He picked up tissues and napkins and threw them out.

"Where's your bathroom, Dan?" Phil asked.

"Oh, it's in the bedroom, down the hall," Dan answered and pointed. He smiled as he watched Phil find it, clumsily hitting his toe on the way.

"You spork," Dan giggled as Phil limped down the hallway.

Dan decided to check his blog on his phone really quick while Phil was gone, just to see how it was doing. He hadn't checked it all day.

Anonymous asked: do u do hookups anymore?  
camboydan answered: no i stopped doing them months ago! sowwy :(

Anonymous asked: Omfg u r hot as fuck  
camboydan answered: thx

Anonymous asked: how do you train yourself to ride dicks as big and for as long as you do? x  
camboydan answered: lots and lots of practice love. start with smaller things like your fingers, then small practice toys and increase the size slowly. make sure you don't go too fast or you'll end up hurting yourself. be safe, and if you need any more advice message me okay? <3

Anonymous asked: when is your next vid?  
camboydan answered: soon!

"Nice bedroom nightstand decor," Phil giggled a bit, breaking the silence of the room. It made Dan jump a little. He quickly closed out of Tumblr and put his phone away.

"Oh, uh...thanks?" Dan questioned, not sure what Phil was referencing. He didn't have time to check or ask in a subtle way before Phil was close to him again. Dan swore he saw concern in Phil's eyes, but didn't acknowledge it.

"Another movie or something?" Phil asked.

"Sure."

Dan wasn't sure who or what had initiated it, but later he was laid on top of Phil, their lips attached, fingers tangled through each other's hair. Dan's soft hands gently held Phil's jaw as they kissed passionately, sucking at his bottom lip. It was just like heaven again. So much for the movie.

He mewled softly into Phil's mouth, and they proceeded to make out for a long time. Phil's fingers gently felt at the bottom of Dan's shirt, his warm fingertips teasing Dan's skin. When they finally decided to stop, Dan's lips were tingly and growing numb from how much he kissed. He sat up a little to look down at Phil, beaming. His cheeks were sore from smiling and giggling so much. It was weird to not be continuing like he usually used to do with hookups, but Dan didn't mind it, he would much rather be romantic right now. He missed Phil so much when they were apart, so he took every second of being with him seriously.

"You're so cute," Phil grinned back up at him, gently rubbing his side. "I could listen to that laugh all day."

Dan giggled again, scooting off of him and tugging his arms to sit back up against the couch cushions. "It gets obnoxious after a while."

"Not for me," Phil told him. Dan just smiled, silently agreeing to disagree.

For the rest of the night, they played various games Dan had in some random moving box, the most intense one being Scrabble.

"Oh my God, Phil, that cannot be a word! It's not in the dictionary!" Dan shouted playfully.

"Who said we were playing by those rules? If I want to get a double word score with the 'Beedrill' then I can!" Phil insisted, placing his last letter tile down. "There's no rule against Pokémon."

Dan rolled his eyes fondly, resting his cheek on his hand and trying to come up with a word. While Dan pondered, he could see Phil gazing at him out of the corner of his eye. He focused his vision to him, raising his brow.

"I'm actually having a lot of fun," he said softly.

Dan nodded and laughed in response. He was. This was a great way to get his mind off of the things he was trying not to think about. He refused to acknowledge them, pushing them away as hard as he could and almost breaking the skin on his lip as he did so. His teeth bit down hard into his bottom lip and he tensed up slightly. He couldn't acknowledge the thing that dared to creep into his mind.

Not right now, anyway, not while he was spending time with Phil and he wasn't ready to face that vulnerability. The letters in front of him jumbled in his head, his glands burned as they dared to sweat, and he was getting too deep in his head. Stop thinking about it. Just think of a fucking word, Dan. 

"You can spell 'land'," Phil suggested, peeking at his tiles. He noticed Dan's eyes quickly wandering back and forth. "Dan, sweetheart, you alright?"

"Yeah, 'm sorry. Started thinking about something I didn't want to," Dan admitted.

Phil scooted from across the coffee table to Dan and gently pulls him in his lap. Dan complied and melts into him, sighing heavily. "'M sorry, started overthinking, something's been bothering me...I'm sorry."

Dan nuzzled gently into Phil's chest as he offered, "You can talk to me, love. If you'd like."

"'M not ready. Don't wanna drive you away," Dan said, feeling too numb to cry. Too guilty. Too vulnerable right now. His shoulders slumped in shame.

"Trust me, it's okay. It would take a lot to drive me away, you know that?" Phil soothed.

Dan smiled a little, "Okay..."

"You're not seeing other people or anything?" Phil slightly joked.

"No, god no," Dan began to giggle again, poking at his side. "I promise it's not that."

"Okay. Well, whatever it is, just know that I'd like to think of myself as accepting and caring, and whatever's storming around in your head probably isn't as big of a deal as you think it is, alright?" Phil tried to help him feel better.

"Alright," Dan answered, "I sure hope so."

Why couldn't Dan just tell him? Dan didn't know why it was so exhausting even thinking about telling Phil his secret. He knew it'd be easier if he just went ahead and told him, but he couldn't, his anxiety was holding him back like a barbed wire fence. If he got too close to telling him, he'd get nervous, and the further he was from telling him, the more guilty he felt.

If Phil just assured him everything would be okay, then why was it so hard to just fucking tell him?

Phil kissed his rosy patch, making Dan roll his eyes a little but grin anyway. "So, when's the next time you're free?"

"Um, I think tomorrow actually," Dan chuckled. "But if you want space, I understand, we can..."

"Why would I want space, Dan?" Phil asked. Concern flooded Phil's tone. Dan sighed and looked down at his lap.

"Because I acted weird," Dan said, glancing back up. "Or if you were getting sick of me."

It was now Phil's turn to sigh. "Dan, love, I could never," he replied sincerely. He gently took Dan's hand, rubbing his knuckles soothingly with the pad of his thumb. "I don't know why you're being so down on yourself, did I say something out of line?"

"N-No," Dan said and let Phil hold his hand, just accepting the gesture and relaxing his arm. "No. Sorry."

"Okay," Phil offered. "I'm not upset with you, Dan. I'd love to see you tomorrow too, if possible."

Phil started to stand up from the coffee table. He helped Dan up with him.

"I'll help you clean, but I'd really better go. Promised I'd get a video uploaded tonight," Phil said.

"Right," Dan said awkwardly. They pick up the Scrabble game, and Dan notices his sore loser side slipping away. He wasn't upset, he just felt empty, empty and guilty.

"You're gonna be alright?" Phil asked as he packed up his bag. Dan shook himself out of spacing out and nodded.

"Okay. Enjoy your plushie, and text me if you need anything," Phil told him and pulled him close momentarily to kiss his head. Dan cracked a tiny smile.

Once he had left, Dan couldn't take it anymore. He curled up on his couch to cry.

As warm tears streaked down his cheeks, he came to the realization that keeping this from Phil was going to be fucking difficult. Harder than he thought. Now Phil knew that Dan had a secret, he just didn't know what it was. Dan wanted to keep it that way at all costs.

The guilt ate at him ruthlessly, burrowing its way into every thought, injecting each thought like venom. Every thought that came into his mind had a sting of venom attached.

Phil probably thought he was crazy. That was something to feel guilty about. He should've told Phil already about being a camboy. That was something to feel guilty about. He was hiding away from his parents to avoid law school. On and on and on, it took what felt like hours for the thoughts to stop, and for Dan's tear ducts to run dry. He cried until his eyes physically stung.

Dan finally checked his phone, it had been an hour. Phil texted him many times.

Phil: I'm sorry I had to go 

And, twenty minutes after those texts, a new string of texts had emerged.

Phil: Do you want me to come back  
Phil: It was shitty to leave you like that I'm sorry  
Phil: Next time I'll ask first  
Phil: Dan please tell me you're okay

Dan appreciated him caring so much, but deep inside, it was just another thing to feel guilty for.

Dan: i'm ok :)

Dan snatched up his new Winnie the Pooh plushie from the couch and cuddled it close. Sniffling, he texted Phil again.

Dan: i'm okay now i'm cuddling pooh  
Dan: i just wish it was you... <3

Phil: I wish it were too.  
Phil: Sure you don't want me to come back?

Dan: no it's okay. you've already made your way home

Phil: Okay

Dan: can i ask you something

Phil: Of course

Dan: what did you mean by bedroom nightstand decor

Now that Dan was feeling better, he was genuinely curious, he figured Phil had just complimented his nightstand as a joke or something. He watched the dots disappear and reappear many times.

Phil: Omg  
Phil: I don't want to embarrass you  
Phil: Go check your nightstand

Dan brought Pooh and his phone with his to his bedroom, eyeing his nightstand until he saw it. Fuck.

He'd left his pink slider toy out the night before and had forgotten to put it back away into the drawer.  The same one he'd used to get off to not so lookalike Phil on his blog. That was so humiliating.

Dan: FUCK  
Dan: i'm so sorry  
Dan: that is so embarrassing  
Dan: shit  
Dan: i didn't even realize until now

Phil: Lol it's okay really ^_^  
Phil: I was just teasing you

Dan: are you sure it's okay

Phil: Yes x

Dan: does that bother you

Phil: No  
Phil: Everyone does it, it's okay  
Phil: It was just weird for me

Dan: yeah i'm sorry i usually don't leave it out

Phil: So you were using it recently then

Fuck.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm aware this chapter is lowkey shitty i promise it gets more interesting very soon. thank you for the support <3

Dan turned fucking crimson.

Sure, Phil had gotten cheeky and flirty before, but this. This. This was different. Now Phil clearly didn't feel so bad about embarrassing him.

Dan didn't even know what to reply. The thought of Phil catching him no longer was humiliating to Dan, the phantasm of guilt long gone. It was now just really fucking hot to him. He sat down on his bed and drafted a few texts to send.

Dan: maybeeee

Delete.

Dan: oh no you caught me

Delete.

Dan: PHIL

Delete.

None of them seemed to work. A part of him wanted to encourage Phil to continue, so he finally sent him a real text:

Dan: oh my god i'm blushing so hard rn

Phil: I wish I was there to see x

Dan's cheeks were sore from grinning and blushing so hard. He giggled audibly and sent another flirty text.

Dan: to see what, me blushing or something else ;) x

Phil: Shit  
Phil: Definitely both

Dan: sometime, i wanna wait for the right moment xx  
Dan: but i'm definitely not opposed to seeing you either ;)

Phil: I'm glad you want to wait for the right moment  
Phil: I do too xx  
Phil: But it's hard to resist you

Dan: is it?

Phil: Very  
Phil: You're so beautiful Dan  
Phil: When we were kissing earlier, I just wanted to press you into the couch

Dan: fuck

Dan audibly squealed, sitting up and switching over to lay on his belly. Phil's flirty texts were fucking hot, and he whimpered as his hips brushed against the mattress. His young, horny mind could barely take it. He decided he needed to get out of his jeans, like, yesterday, and keep texting Phil.

Dan: i would like that very much

He sent the text quickly before hopping up to get out of his skinny jeans. He unbuttoned, unzipped and wiggled out of them until he was only in his t-shirt and boxer briefs. Once he settled back to laying on his tummy in his bed, he had received another text.

Phil: It won't be awkward the next time I see you if I keep texting you right

Dan: it won't for me

Phil: Okay

Dan: so back to pinning me down to the couch  
Dan: what else would you do to me  
Dan: theoretically, if it wasn't too early

God, Dan sounded like such a fucking slut, like such a fuckboy, but now, he didn't care. He rutted his hips into the mattress and mewled softly, excited for Phil's answer.

Phil: Praise you  
Phil: Tell you how beautiful you are  
Phil: Kiss you a lot

Dan: go on

Dan weakly humped into his mattress, wishing he would have told Phil to come back to his flat. He wanted his hands to be all over him, roaming every inch of his body.

Phil: I kind of want to save it for when it actually happens

Dan: D:

Phil: I'm sorry Dan. I don't want this to go by too fast. I shouldn't have lead you on

Dan huffed, his horny mind telling him to be stubborn and bratty.

Dan: but phiiiiil  
Dan: you turned me on  
Dan: you can't just leave me at that  
Dan: i'm 18 you know

Horny Dan was kind of an idiot. A whiny, bratty idiot. It didn't dawn on Dan at all that he might regret this later on.

Phil: I'm sorry love

He grumbled and tossed his phone on the other side of the bed. Dan snatched a pillow from the headboard and adjusted it in between his thighs, exhaling heavy as he slowly grinded his hips into it. Since he was already so worked up by Phil's texts, it didn't take him long to finish. Dan sighed after his long staccato of moans. Now he realized he had fucked up.

Dan: phil i'm sorry i was being a stubborn dickhead  
Dan: i don't wanna go fast either, and i was definitely speeding up too much  
Dan: and i clearly made you uncomfortable  
Dan: so i'm sorry

Dan worried that Phil hated him now, probably reduced him to nothing but a cockslut who only wanted him for sex, and as horrible as that was to think, Dan thought it.

Phil: Darling it's okay

Darling. That was new.

Dan: darling?

Phil: Yes  
Phil: Is that okay

Dan: absofuckinglutely

Phil: Good :)  
Phil: I'm gonna go off to bed

At least Phil didn't seem mad at him. He risked a slightly flirtatious text before Phil left.

Dan: okay babe  
Dan: goodnight <3

Phil: Babe?

Dan: yes  
Dan: is that ok

Phil: Abso-fucking-lutely :]  
Phil: Goodnight

The next day, they planned to meet again, again at Dan's flat.

As soon as Dan woke up, he made sure to hide his toy on his nightstand back in its drawer, and double check his entire apartment to be sure there wasn't anything else embarrassing lying around that he might have missed.

He needed to film a video, or something, today. Deciding to quickly get one over with before Phil came over, he set up the scene and chose to make a photo set to save time. Remembering what his followers liked, he quickly fished a prostate massager toy, lube and a ball gag out of the boxes in his closet. It would only take him a few minutes to conjure a photo set his followers would enjoy.

Dan checked the time on his phone, miraculously he had plenty of time before Phil would be texting him, around one was when they planned to go out to an Indian food restaurant. He shuffled off his pajamas into a heap on the floor. He settled into position in front of his laptop on his bed, opened up the camera, then placed the ball gag in his mouth and attached it behind his head. He lubed up his massager and curled it behind himself, gently rubbing his entrance with the tip of it to get himself worked up.

The camera view could basically see everything below his nose, the perfect angle his followers would love. They would be able to see him drooling and sweating as he played with the massager inside of him. Once he got around an inch of the massager past him, he began setting the timer on his laptop to capture photos.

Dan sort of dramatized the photos, arching his back and tilting his head and making sure the viewers would visibly see that he was using a toy. Thrusting said toy, drool began to drip from the sides of his lips and he quickly clicked to capture the moment in pixels forever. He hoped his followers would enjoy this photoset of him fucking himself.

Although no one could hear, his moans were performative; muffled by the gag but still whimpery as he angled the massager to reach the perfect spot. Jumping slightly when he found it, he allowed the camera to burst another series of photos of him choking on the gag. Fuck, did Dan like being choked.

He didn't know why, but one day, he had gotten desperate, so he started rubbing his neck as he got off. Something led him to apply pressure, and he tested the waters numerous times before he actually squeezed at his throat, but it had him finishing in seconds, and that was how he discovered his choking kink, which was one of the many things he wanted to try with Phil one day. Of course, only if he was up for it. Dan could imagine Phil in his head insisting he wouldn't, being too afraid to ever inflict pain onto him.

But the thought of Phil's large, slender fingered hands choking him was fucking filthy.

He angled the massager around to tease himself, not allowing it to hit him directly. He still had quite a while before Phil would even text him, so it was fine if he let it prolong for a few more minutes.

Dan grinded his hips back against it, his moans muffled through the gag as he arched his head and back. He turned to face away from his laptop, catching more hot angles of his body and going until his body was showing signs of being jaded. Dan finally angled the toy in the right position again until he was interrupted by a knock on his front door.

He groaned and removed the gag and toy, placing them on his nightstand. He fumbled around until he found his boxers, shuffling them on halfway to his door. It was probably just some stupid postman or his landlord or something.

"Hello?" he answered, opening his door slightly. Phil was standing there, a bright smile on his face.

"Hi, hope it's okay I came a little early," he said.

Dan's face was full of color, scarlet adorning his cheeks. He stuttered, god, he was in the worst position right now. Dan was uncomfortably hard, not looking his best and in the middle of cam work. He always tried to look his best around Phil, so this was very nerve-wracking.

"Uh...uh, yeah! Sure, hold on, I'm almost done getting dressed, just a second-" Dan told him. He quickly grabbed a blanket from his couch and opened the door more.

"Can you wait in my lounge while I finish getting ready?" Dan hurriedly asked, tightening his grip on the blanket covering him.

"Um, sure, yeah," Phil said, confused. He stepped in and sat down on the couch.

Dan scurried off to his bedroom, shutting his laptop forcefully and practically jumping off the walls to clean up his scene. He tossed his blanket to the corner of the room. After he grabbed the accessories, throwing them into his nightstand drawer and cleaning up as much as he could. As he snatched a shirt and jeans from his closet, he pulled his pants up, and then he realized, fuck, he was still hard.

A lie. He needed a lie, and a quick one.

Frantically looking around his bedroom for an idea, he figured he only needed a few minutes to finish. Dan stepped into his bathroom, seeing his toothbrush. Perfect.

He ran to the doorway of his bedroom, calling out, "Just brushing my teeth!"

Dan then ran back into his bathroom, locking the door to keep him secluded. He uncomfortably unzipped his jeans and pulled down his Sonic boxers. This would have to be the quickest and quietest wank in history.

He desperately tugged at himself, wishing to finish quickly so he wouldn't be making Phil wait too long. Rubbing the pad of his thumb over the head of his cock, his other hand grabbed for the bathroom counter before him.

"Please," he begged, his fingernails digging into the counter. He seethed, leaning his head back and thrusting his hips up into his hand.

Dan grunted in frustration, he was super impatient, feeling like an old man trying to get off. Phil was probably suspicious by now.

"For fuck's sake," he muttered, pulling his jeans and boxers down further. He jerked off with one hand in the front and managed to insert his index and middle finger into his hole, from being lubed up before. He curled them up to find his spot, and there, fuck, finally.

"Ahh-huh-" he moaned, his hands too occupied to muffle himself. He prayed to a god he didn't believe in that Phil couldn't hear through the thin walls. That would make this whole already awkward period even worse, first the nightstand thing, and now sort of being walked in on. Phil could not hear him orgasm.

He dug his mouth into the sleeve of his shirt, cumming messily over the counter. He heaved as his heart rate slowed, then rushed to get back to Phil. After cleaning up his bathroom like a maniac, he hurriedly made his way to the living room as if nothing happened. He grabbed his phone from the coffee table and pulled on some shoes.

"Ready?" he asked Phil, who was distracted on his phone.

"Oh? Yeah, sure," Phil said. He was blushing. Dan was too in a rush to think much of it. They headed to his door.

"Wait," Phil interrupted. "I know you're going to do something cute at the restaurant, so I want to kiss you while I can."

It was now Dan's turn to blush. He chuckled and looked down at the floor as Phil pecked his cheek. He kissed Phil back sweetly and headed out the door with him.

Once they got to the restaurant, they chatted and ate their food, comfortable in conversation until Phil brought last night's texts up.

"I still feel bad about last night, god, I'm sorry," Phil muttered into his food, looking down at it instead of Dan.

"It's okay, Phil, I'm sorry too. We can just put it past us, okay?" Dan assured him, reaching under the table for his hand. He held it and gently rubbed his knuckles with his thumb.

Phil nodded quietly, Dan sighing and squeezing his hand. "It's okay."

"I just really don't want to fuck this up, I really, really like you, and as happy as you make me, I'm always worried I'm doing something wrong," Phil said.

God, Dan hated to hear that. Phil was doing unbelievably well, and he wouldn't change a thing about him.

"Phil, you treat me with the most respect and kindness anyone has ever treated me with in my whole life," Dan admitted, "I think you're doing splendid."

"Really?" Phil said, his lips slightly curled up.

"Really," Dan repeated, grinning. He squeezed his hand again, then released it to go back to eating.

When they arrived back at Dan's apartment, they continued their usual routine of cuddling and watching TV on the couch. Dan usually hated his couch, and sleeping on it when he was too lazy to go to bed was horrid, but with Phil there, it felt like dozens of pillows.

He bathed in the comfortable warmth of their bodies laid against each other, humming happily and curling up his legs so his feet wouldn't dangle. Now he was perfectly on top of him.

Phil's hand skimmed down to touch Dan's thigh, holding it gently. His other hand held Dan's side, slightly rubbing, which eased Dan to sleep. He felt so comfortable, more comfortable than he had ever been on a mattress or a pillow or a blanket. Dan quietly snoozed until he was being nudged by Phil to wake up.

"Daaan," Phil whispered, "Dan, darling, your doorbell rang."

"Ughhh," Dan groaned, slowly getting up to answer the door. He peeked out to see a package on his doorstep.

He opened the door, unsure of what the package contained. Dan picked it up and shook it, but still had no idea what was inside. Peeking at Phil watching TV, he took the box to his kitchen and opened it up with a knife. Dan curiously removed the bubble wrap to find a smaller box inside. He opened the small box slowly then immediately closed it. No wonder it was so hard for him to tell what it was, there was discreet packaging. He quickly wrapped the box back up, he had to quickly bring this to his room without raising suspicion. It was something from Adam and Eve.

"What'd you get?" Phil looked up and asked. Even though Phil knew Dan had sex toys, there was no way in hell that Dan was letting Phil see he'd bought a fucking 'Frisky Fox Tail' anal plug. No fucking way.

"Uhh, nothing, just um...Christmas decorations!" Dan lied as he ran to his room. He discreetly shut the door and set the box down on his bed.

Dan kneeled on his mattress to open up the box. He had never bought a tail plug before, this was new for him. Picking it up out of the package, he admired the softness of the dark grey tail that was an ombre to white at the end. He was really curious to try it on. Deciding it would only take a minute, he took the toy and a bottle of lube with him to his bathroom.

He made sure he heard the bathroom door click before shaking off his jeans and boxers, hoping it would be easy to insert based on the fact he'd worked on the photoset earlier.

Uncapping the lube, he bit his lip as he dropped the liquid onto his fingers. He prayed that this wouldn't take too long, he was just extremely curious to try it out. He spread the lube onto his fingertips and gently brought them to his hole. Dan was easily able to stretch himself, and it didn't take long for him to assume he was stretched out enough for the rubber plug end of the tail. He scissored his fingers once more around the tight muscle, then pulled them out carefully and knelt slightly to insert the tail.

Dan sucked in a breath when the blunt edge of the plug touched his rim, begging himself to stay quiet. He pushed it inside of himself, relaxing enough to accept it, and stopped when it felt snug. Once it was tucked inside, he went to look in the mirror.

Fuck, Dan had never really been into anything like this before, but he thought he looked hot. The tail fell at about fourteen inches, the fur tickling his thighs as he posed and wiggled his ass. His followers would love a gifset where he was wearing this.

He gently messed with the tail, swinging it back and forth in between his legs playfully. He looked around for his phone, but must've left it in the lounge with Phil. Shit, he needed to hurry before he saw anything.

Dan reluctantly pulled out the tail, moaning softly as it left his body. He cleaned it and got back to being dressed, then put it back in its box and up high on the shelves of his closet along with all of his other toys. He fixed his hair quickly and went back to the lounge.

"Everything okay?" Phil asked as Dan grabbed his phone from the coffee table and sat back down.

"Yeah, sorry," Dan mumbled, making sure he had no notifications he didn't want to explain. Luckily, it was just a few texts from his mum and none from his Tumblr.

"Your mum texted, sorry I peeked," Phil said, "It's cute she calls you bear. Can I call you that?"

Dan blushed and said, "Y-yeah sure, if you want."

"Okay," Phil said, "Come back to cuddle?"

Dan looked up from his phone and nodded, setting it back down and scooting up to adjust himself back in Phil's lap. Phil hummed happily and raked his fingers through Dan's hair. He cuddled him close, distracted by the TV for a bit before whispering, "Bear. How soft."

Dan chuckled and turned his head to look up at him, "And your family doesn't have any embarrassing names they call you?"

"Maybe lion," Phil admitted, "My mum just answers the phone as 'yes child?' I did have a nickname for myself when I couldn't pronounce my name though."

"And what was that?" Dan inquired curiously.

"Dibit," Phil giggled, covering his mouth.

"Dibit. Hmm," Dan scooted up to his cheek to kiss it. "Dibit. How soft."

Phil fondly rolled his eyes, then asked, "What Christmas decorations did you get?"

Dan's face became scarlet. He hid slightly from Phil, hoping he couldn't see how red his face was. It took his mind way too long to come up with a type of Christmas decoration to fuel his lie.

"Uh...I got, um...fairy lights," Dan stuttered, pushing his hair behind his ear. "Red and green..."

"Ooh! I know it's early, but should we put them up?" Phil asked excitedly. His eyes lit up like the make-believe fairy lights Dan mentioned.

Dan bit his lip and looked up at him, then back down at the floor. "Actually, they're not fairy lights, I'm sorry..."

"Oh?" Phil physically tilted his head like a puppy. "Then...what was it?"

Dan shook his head, "Fuck, I'm sorry I lied to you, I...I'm sorry, shit-" he sat up and scooted away from Phil ashamedly.

"Dan, it's okay," Phil sat up from his laying down position. "I just, don't know why you'd lie to me?"

Dan sighed, his breath shaky. He looked up at his ceiling, "It's...it's embarrassing."

"Oh. Okay. Well, you don't have to hide anything, I hope you know I'd never judge you," Phil said sympathetically. Hopefully, he would just figure that it was a Christmas present for him.

"Can we just go back to cuddling?" Dan asked, a bit tense.

"Sure," Phil smiled, accepting him back into his arms. "Dan, it's okay, I'm sorry if what I asked was too personal."

"It's fine," Dan muttered unenthusiastically.

"Are you sure?" Phil asked.

"Yeah," Dan said finally, resting his head on Phil's chest. "I'm going to rest again, okay?"

"Okay."

Dan did rest until it was time for Phil to go home. Once he left, he thought about how embarrassing the day was. He almost got 'caught', twice even, doing something sexual that could have potentially led to him spilling his secret. Maybe something was looking out for him, because he had no idea how in the hell he was that lucky to keep his secret hidden after today.

He cleaned up his lounge then headed to his bedroom to film with his new toy, the tail. There was a certain audience that would enjoy him wearing it, and who would be willing to buy more than just the teaser photos Dan would post on his blog. He set up his laptop camera on his bed again and reached up to the top of his closet for the box with the tail inside. Once he got it down, he removed his jeans and boxers and inserted the tail. He was ready to record.

Dan shuffled onto the bed with the tail inside him, facing his camera and deciding he would make gifs of himself with it. He wiggled his bum, tugged on it, let it fall between his thighs, and played with it all on video to turn into gifs later. Once he decided he'd had enough, he went to take it out, but then changed his mind and chose to stay frisky and leave it in.

He opened up Photoshop to edit the gifs, humming happy and laying sideways and admiring the tail in between his thighs. Dan put a glowing, blurry filter over the gifs and posted them with the caption "feeling frisky" and hoped his followers would like them.

Positive responses to the posts blew in, and he read the reblogs to see everyone thirsting over him. If only he could show Phil how hot he looked right now.

Dan checked his phone to see some texts from him.

Phil: I miss you bear <3

Dan grinned wide.

Dan: i miss you too, lion <3


	7. Chapter 7

In a few days time, it was the photo shoot for the magazine. Dan was admittedly a little nervous for the occasion. The biggest things he had done for the Gay UK Eighteen Plus magazine and website was review a toy sent to him (which sucked, but he lied for his career's sake) and be on the side of a spread for being #1 in the 'twink' category for a solid six weeks. Comparatively, this was huge.

This time around, he was going to be in an actual photo shoot. Expensive cameras and lights all focused on Dan and the surrounding scene. Fancy backdrops, large props, more people in the porn industry like him. People who were far more experienced than him. It was intimidating.

This also was one of the few big things Dan was able to do right now since he had been denying collaborations with other actors in respect for Phil. They had wanted him to shoot a video with many other actors, but Dan had denied them all. Phil, who didn't even know Dan did all this, was still too important, and just in case he did find out, at least Dan wouldn't physically be sharing his body with anyone else. Dan had some boundaries and morals.

Sometimes he questioned the difference between physical sharing and just sharing his body to the internet; if either were better than the other, but pushing it aside and praying for it to not ever pop into his head was his best solution, he just didn't want to lose Phil. He hoped he was doing the right thing, even though he was blatantly lying just a little bit.

Dan played with his hair in the mirror, using gel to adjust it perfectly. He was wearing clothes that were easy to get out of, and a pair of candy cane patterned boxers for the occasion. He'd shaved, too - being afraid they wouldn't let him model without doing so for some reason. Had emailed Alex from the magazine company that he was arriving, he picked up his stuff, shoved it into a backpack, and began his long, confusing journey to the building.

The studio was a little way outside of London, which was good, considering Dan did not want anyone to recognize him on the way (at least when it came to his Tesco coworkers, but he was mostly concerned about Phil.) The ride on public transit there could have been worse than it was. It was just busy and bustling, but Dan stayed on his phone the whole time.

Once Dan arrived, he was greeted by a man who seemed like he was in charge. He had a full brunette but graying beard and looked pretty buff to Dan's eyes, but was well dressed in a suit.

"Dan! It's nice to see you, I'm Alex," the man introduced himself, reaching to shake Dan's hand. Oh good, a face to the man he had been emailing. He awkwardly smiled at his tightly gripped handshake.

"Nice to meet you," Dan said.

"We already have a few scenes set up. We have some ideas for poses for you to do if you'd like to take a look at them. We had someone do some brief sketches for you," Alex said and handed Dan an open notebook.

At the top of the open page read "Dan Howell" in scribbly letters, and there were numbered sketches of poses. One seemed to be him laying on his tummy, his feet in the air behind him. The drawing was writing on a piece of paper on the floor and a dream cloud was over his head.

Another couple of poses were mostly innocent, like him lying across what looked like a sleigh, or opening gifts, but when Dan flipped the page he saw the more explicit ones. Poses where he was on all fours, ass facing the camera, or what seemed to be a tribute to his most popular online photo - him nude in a pile of teddy bears.

"You can pick and choose which ones you want, or come up with your own along the way. We'd like you to aim to be in at least four different setups though. Which would you like first?" Alex asked as he led Dan throughout the studio, allowing him to view the different scenes made. One was Winter Wonderland themed, with fake snow and trees. Another was a living room setup with stockings, an abundance of decorations and ugly family home couches. The most interesting one to Dan was with a green screen, fake snow, and a huge trampoline.

"What's this for?" Dan asked as they walked by.

"Oh, this is something new we're trying. We're blowing fake snow into the air while having some of you jump and try to pose with various props. Do we have any shots with this scene yet?" Alex told Dan, then asked a person of the camera crew.

"Yes, actually," a woman replied, pulling up her laptop for them. She shows them the successful shots of boys like Dan jumping up from the trampoline, posing and laughing with Santa hats or riding candy canes or holding fake presents.

After they finish looking around, Dan was asked where he wanted to start. He decided on the family living room scene.

Getting a closer look, he could see that there was a fake fireplace with stockings hung on the mantle, candles, and other decorations scattered around. The tree was decorated with cute ornaments and had a pretty lace tree skirt around the bottom, and a glittery star on top. The carpet was gold and red and it matched the couches, and there was a small side table with a plate of fake cookies and a glass of fake milk.

"Alright Dan, we'll let you go and undress. You can make up your own poses or go along with our ideas, it's up to you," Alex spoke, fixing the props around a bit. Dan nodded and wandered off to find the dressing room.

Eventually, Dan found his way to the dressing room. He undid the button and zipper of his pants, shaking them off. His phone slipped out of his pocket onto the wooden floor, where he saw his phone light up with a text message.

Dan knew he shouldn't have seen who it was from. He should have waited until he was done with the photo shoot, but he was too impatient to wait.

Phil: Hi ^_^

Dan held back a small fit of giggles as he read the text, then let out a small sigh.

Dan: hey philly. i had to sub in for someone at work :(

Phil: Hey Danny. I'm sorry :[ do you want to call after?

Dan: of course i would x

Phil: Okay baby I'll try to be patient

Dan blushed and looked around as if someone could watch him and answered quickly.

Dan: you won't have to be too patient if i get to hear you call me that ;) xx

He slipped off his shirt and stuffed his clothes into his backpack, looking in the mirror at himself in just the candy cane print boxers. Dan admittedly looked cute. If only he could show Phil without exposing his lie about working. Dan shoved his phone into the side pocket of his backpack and left the changing room back to the set. A woman happily guided him to an area where a bunch of other models were getting their makeup done.

The woman sat him down in a hydraulic chair, lifting him up to her level. She brushed his hair out of the way, then began to find some light makeup that matched his skin tone.

"First photo shoot?" a man beside him in another chair asked. Dan shyly nodded, watching through the mirror as the lady brushed his chin with powder. The man was muscular, tan, and also not wearing much, so Dan had to force himself to look away and think of Phil.

"Nervous?" he asked.

"A bit," Dan admitted. "I've never done something this big. I'm quite callow with all this. I've been interviewed for a small column and sponsored by Gay UK, but never this."

"It only gets better from there, kid," he said, "I've been working with this magazine since they started. Everyone here is so nice and understanding, it's a great environment to work in. I've made some decent money, and they've helped me gain a sort of fanbase. I feature in videos and magazine issues regularly now."

"Yeah, I thought I recognized you. Nathan, right?" Dan cringed as the lady plucked stray brows.

"Yes," he answered. "And you're Dan."

"Y-yeah..." Dan blushed underneath the makeup. "How did you..."

"You're more popular than you think, Dan. I'm sure a lot of people here will at least recognize your name. People love your cam work; it's amazing," Nathan said.

"Thanks..." Dan responded, "But I'm sure it's nothing compared to some of these other actors."

"I think they're good for being amateur," he told him, "But I bet if you keep in contact with the company, they'll call you in more and more, and you'll become more experienced. It will improve."

"Yeah, I hope to be pretty popular and experienced," Dan said.

"See if anyone wants to collaborate with you, that's a start," Nathan said.

"Yeah, I just..." Dan began.

"And who knows? The people that might want to work with you might be closer than you think," he said and winked, getting up from his chair. "Nice chat, Dan."

"Uh. yeah...you too," Dan said sheepishly.

The makeup artist applied some blush to his cheeks, then sent him off to the set he wanted to take photos at first. He placed his backpack down off to the side where he could still see it and posed in front of the camera.

At first, photos of him were taken on the large chairs and couches, his long body lounging on them with maybe a leg or arm leaning off. He'd requested to prepare for the scene he first saw from the journal, the dream cloud pose.

"Okay, so basically you're gonna pretend you're writing your Christmas wish list, and we'll photo-shop in a dream cloud where you're imagining what you want. Sex toys or something, maybe. It's up to you. Let's just take some real quick so we have something to work with," Alex instructed.

Dan laid on his tummy on the tacky carpet with the props, looking up elsewhere with his hand on his cheek, holding a pen. He folded his legs up in the air to be dramatic and gave the camera tons of cute photos.

"Very, very good work Dan. Let's try with some Santa hats, maybe?" Alex suggested, pointing to a box of props.

Dan obeyed, posing with the cute elf or Santa hats provided. At the end of the shoot, he was again congratulated. Another photographer walked by and saw how good of a model Dan was, requesting to work with him on a sleigh scene with some other boys.

"I'd prefer to do photo shoots of just me, I'm sorry," Dan said and felt guilt heat up his cheeks, looking down at the ground. His eyes quickly flashed to see the other photographer look a little confused.

"We were doing a threesome scene if you're interested?" he offered again. "The guys I'm working with would eat you up."

"No, no thanks... I'm, I'm seeing someone actually," Dan replied, his throat dry. He thought of how much it would hurt Phil to see him like that, on his knees for someone else. Thank god those photos didn't exist in his career so far.

As exciting as they had seemed, he'd luckily denied combined shoots in the past, despite the urge of wanting to hook up with some of his favorite stars from the magazine. He wondered why he had denied even before Phil was in consideration. Maybe in the back of his head, he knew he would have a Phil soon to save it for.

"Okay," the man said, then left awkwardly.

Dan tensed, not ready to move on to a different set. He just felt guilty; he couldn't do his job right and be a good whatever he was to Phil simultaneously. It hurt. He was so passionate about both, passionate about what the future held both in his career opportunities and dating fortune. He wished there was some sort of balance to it.

"Dan, it's alright," Alex said and walked up to him, trying to get his attention. "There are many porn actors out there with partners, it's okay. This is all about comfort and safety. We'd never push you into something you didn't want to do."

Somehow, Alex had the keywords to help, like how Phil always knew how to get Dan back to thinking realistically, even not knowing him long. Dan let out a small smile, thinking of Phil, then nodded and allowed himself to be lead to the next set.

"I think I've warmed up, and I'm comfortable being nude for this one," Dan murmured shyly to Alex. He received a quick nod, giving Dan some pose ideas.

Dan braced himself, pulling down his boxers and posing as they desired, showing off his ass and hips and back perfectly to the camera. It became natural after a while.

"Beautiful, beautiful, Dan. Let's get you over to the Winter Wonderland set for some more raunchy photos with props," Alex grinned.

Dan posed with many of the props. With a beanie and scarf, he proudly showed off his body with only his head and neck covered. Another burst of photos were taken of him with an inflatable candy cane in between his thighs while he licked it. Dan's favorite was the ones where he was just naked in a pile of artificial snow.

He continued throughout the day with the teddy bear scene, a set involving Santa's workshop, and he even attempted the trampoline photo shoot. He posed with some other boys; nothing sexual, all just fun, at some green screen and finished with some good shots of him riding a plush reindeer. Dan was still being praised, making him more comfortable and confident with his body.

Once Dan got dressed again, he made his way to Alex in the studio, who was looking intently at Dan's photos on a laptop.

"Oh Dan!" he turned around excitedly and said, "Brilliant work today! Are you sure you've never modeled before?"

"Not professionally," Dan said with blushed cheeks, taking a glimpse at the photos. Alex and the guy at the laptop let him see closely how well he did, and Dan wore a small badge of pride.

"You did incredible today, Dan. These photos will be hard to narrow down. Thank you for your hard work," Alex told him.

"No problem," Dan replied, smiling.

"You're definitely gonna get a full page, at least," a fellow actor glanced at the photos and told him, winking at Dan. Dan blushed.

A whole page of just him? That sounded like a dream. A whole page of ink just of Dan's body, for what they hoped to be thousands of people to see. Dan would be flattered and excited as well.

"You should get paid by the time the magazine comes out, yeah? We have your PayPal so we'll just send it there. You'll also get royalties from each magazine sold," Alex notified him.

"Thank you, so much."

Dan was beyond happy with how well the photo shoot went, but now it was over so he could talk to Phil. He looked around curiously for Nathan as he left, but didn't see any sign of him.

On the tube ride home, Dan texted Phil immediately.

Dan: hey sorry they were about to do construction or something and needed extra hands to move stuff. i'll call you as soon as i get home ^_^

So what if it was a tiny white lie. It would camouflage well in all of the great, truthful things about himself he'd shared over the weeks. Plus, Dan was proud of himself right now, he didn't need the worry of Phil figuring out he was a camboy to weigh him down.

Hopefully Phil still wanted to call. It had only been a couple hours, despite it feeling like days that he couldn't talk to him. Dan didn't even know what he wanted to talk about. He just wanted to talk to him, soon.

Phil: I'm omw home too from grocery shopping

Dan: ooh fun, you should invite me some time babe <3

Phil: Grocery shopping?

Dan: yeah! it'd be fun i swear

Phil: Okay lol ^_^

Dan smiled at the notification and glimpsed up to look at the passengers of the subway. A guy with black hair was smiling down at his phone, and...oh shit. Dan noticed he was wearing plaid. That was either Phil or some creepy clone version of Phil.

Dan quickly ducked his head, hoping the man didn't notice him. After a too long feeling ride home, Dan walked into his door, setting his things down and scribbling out the little camera on his calendar so no one (Phil) would ask about it. He grabbed a snack to eat and went to the living room.

Munching on a marshmallow, Dan checked his texts to Phil, but there was no response yet.

Dan: phillyyy  
Dan: i'm home now, call me when you can :3

He watched TV until a loud buzzing filled his ears, his phone. He answered at the speed of light and sang, "Helloooo?"

"Hello, Daniel."

His dad.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!!

"Dad?" Dan answered in a now serious tone, rising up from the couch.

"Daniel," he replied, "I have good news about the law firm. They said they would like to have you for an internship, but they need you to build a resume. You need to do that for that internship in January.

I need to, apparently, Dan thought, silently huffing. He was too tired to try and argue with his dad right now. He needed to do everything his parents wanted him to do.

"Okay Dad, I'll work on one and email it to you," Dan answered, pacing around his living room anxiously. Talking to his dad always made him so damn nervous. One of these days, it could potentially be the call he was so afraid of - the one where his parents figured out what he did behind their back.

"No. Email it to them. They're the ones looking to hire you, Daniel. If you complete the internship while you're in uni, they'll hire you," his dad assured him.

"O-okay Dad," he answered, his voice shaky. His dad didn't seem to notice his clumsy voice.

"Have you seen where it's located while living in London?" his father asked.

Dan shut his eyes tight for a moment, then released them open. He finally said, "No, I haven't seen it."

"That's the whole reason you moved there, son," his father told him. "You cannot keep procrastinating from this. This is your future we're talking about."

Not really, but that's the reason Dan pretended that was why he'd moved. He stroked his chin.

"I'll check it out tomorrow," Dan said, trying to come to a compromise.

"What have you been doing that's preventing you from checking it out sooner?" his dad asked, making his breath hitch.

"Uh...um, working, you know," Dan said, "It's been really, um...exhausting."

"Mhm," Dan's dad sounded like he didn't believe him. Dan picked at his nails. "Keep up with it, Daniel. And be looking into universities, but ones that are close by. You're not allowed to go off to France or America or something."

"Okay Dad, don't worry. I am," Dan sighed, hoping he didn't sound so unenthusiastic on the phone. He dreaded researching universities. If only he could tell them he just didn't want to go, and how he thought about what a waste of time and money he thought it was. He probably couldn't even name any of the universities he was close to.

His dad picked up his sigh. "You know what, I'm sick of you treating university like it's just something you can blow off. As I said, this is your future, and you're not taking it seriously. You're going to need a stable job to support your wife and kids, and you're going to be a damn lawyer whether you like it or not."

"Dad, I-" Dan began, so, so fucking close to telling him he wanted to control his own damn life.

"Are you even listening?" his dad asked.

"Yes," Dan gave up, "May I talk to Mum?"

Dan's father called for his mum, putting her on the phone quickly.

"Daniel?" his mum responded.

"Hi Mum," Dan said.

"Oh Daniel, it's so good to hear your voice. I miss you so much here," his mum said cheerfully.

Probably because you can't control me, Dan thought, chewing his lip. With a huff, he answered, "You too, Mum."

"Your father and I have decided to send you rent money since you are looking into the law firm and university. We're so proud of you, bear!" his mother said, "My son's going to be a lawyer!"

"Thanks, Mum!" Dan made himself sound extremely thankful.

Rent money from his parents was basically free money since he could easily pay his rent himself, due to his adult film work...and a little extra from Tesco. Thinking about the money, his head blocked out the part about his mother being thinking he was going to go into law. He must've become a good actor from all of those theater classes he took in high school if he had been able to convince her that well.

They ended up talking on the phone for a while, Dan telling his mum about working at Tesco, like the funny experiences with customers he'd had. He asked about his grandmother and his brother, of course, wishing them well and finally hanging up after an hour. He didn't dare mention Phil.

Phil was a secret to his parents, and his modeling was a secret to Phil. Simple.

Phil.

When he got off the phone, he saw three messages from Phil. Goddammit, he'd completely forgotten about calling him while he was hung up on the phone with his parents.

Phil: Still want to call? x  
Phil: Are you napping ^_^  
Phil: Hopefully you can still call when you wake up :]

Dan replied quickly, feeling guilty for leaving him hanging so long. At least he wasn't busy filming a video this time as per usual.

Dan: sorry bb, my parents called. i can talk now though :)

He settled comfortably into his couch, thankful his conversation with his family was over. He allowed his shoulders to relax until his phone rang. He smiled at the ringtone he'd customized for Phil and answered quickly.

"Hellooo," he said in a sing-song voice again. Phil chuckled on the other end. Thank god it was actually him this time.

"Hi Dan," Phil answered, Dan could hear his smile. "How'd the talk with your parents go?"

"Alright, I guess. They still want me to look at law shit and unis, I still haven't done any of that yet," Dan informed him, sighing a little. 

"I'm sorry, is there anything I can do to help?" Phil asked, sounding so caring.

"Sorry if this sounds rude, but I don't really want to talk about it," Dan admitted.

"Okay, sorry. How was work?" Phil asked.

"Work?" Dan asked, forgetting for a second about his lie. "Oh right, work. Yeah, I mostly put some more fall decorations up."

That was what he had done the last time he was at work, not today, but at least it was believable. It was only another white lie, one to cover Dan's back to not expose his involvement with porn. Surely enough work stories would add up to the point where he could lie about what he was doing, plus, it wasn't like Phil was visiting him there anyway.

"Have you gotten Christmas decorations yet?" Phil asked, "I'm so excited."

"Yeah, some, we've put out about half of them. I like Christmas too," Dan grinned. "I'll get to decorate my apartment this year, which I'm looking forward to."

"Can I help?" Phil inquired eagerly, making Dan laugh.

"Of course," Dan giggled, finding enthusiastic, festive Phil cute. He turned to stretch his legs out on the couch and listened to Phil talk about what Christmas was like up in Manchester at his parents' house. The hot chocolate, the gift giving, the board games...everything sounded so perfect.

"That sounds like so much fun," Dan exclaimed, thinking about all of his Christmases compared to Phil's. Phil's sounded so much more pleasant than his.

"My parents want to meet you, actually," Phil replied. Dan's cheeks filled with color and he imagined it. Meeting Phil's parents.

He would be so nervous, tripping over his words and fumbling for the right ones to say. He'd want to impress them, and like Phil, they could not know about his secret. If they found out, it would almost be worse than Dan's parents finding out.

Phil's parents would have to fall in love with him just as much as Phil would. Maybe Dan was thinking too far ahead, but one day, they could potentially be his in-laws, so he needed to impress them. Really needed to.

"Are they nice?" Dan inquired timidly.

"Yes, Dan, I talk about you a lot and they already love you," Phil assured him.

"You...you do? You think so? That they like me, I mean," Dan asked.

"My mum was asking what Christmas presents to send you, Dan. They love you already, okay bear?" Phil confirmed.

"Okay..." Dan answered, blushing at the nickname.

"Would you be nervous to meet them?" Phil asked him seriously.

"Honestly...yes. I'd want to impress them and have them like me..." Dan admitted, playing with a string on his shirt.

"Dan, I just said that they like you already, there's no need to worry, okay? Would you be opposed to going up to Manchester with me near Christmas time?" Phil asked seriously.

"No, I'd love to go with you," Dan honestly responded. He'd love to see Phil's family home and meet his parents. If only his goddamn nerves didn't get in the way.

"Okay. It'd only be for a few days, and my brother and his girlfriend will be there too," Phil said.

Dan sighed, a little less worried they wouldn't be alone together. "Are you positive they'll like me?"

Phil chuckled a little on his end, exhaling heavily. "Dan. If I love you, they love you."

He's blushing again, touching his other cheek to feel how heated up it's gotten. "You...you love me?"

"Of course I do, Dan. You love me too, right?" Phil chuckled a little again as if it were totally obvious.

"Yeah...yes. I...I love you," Dan hesitated and stuttered a little, thankful he wasn't fucking up right in front of Phil in real life. The words were so simple yet so hard to say. "I love you."

"It's not too early to say that, right?" Phil inquired.

"Not for me," Dan told him. Maybe it was a little early, but Dan wasn't thinking about that right now.

He could hear Phil breathe through his grin on the other end, sounding relieved and so, so ecstatic. Dan can imagine his face right now, and he so desperately wants to see it and kiss him out of happiness. They'd shared their first "I love you", which Dan would forever hold close in his heart.

"I want to kiss you," Dan blurted, his voice still shy. He corrected himself, "Like...I mean...I wish I could kiss you right now."

"Me too."

"Are you busy right now?"

"Nope."

"Then can I come over so I can kiss you?"

"Sure."

"Okay," Dan giggled, "Okay. I'll be over in a few minutes."

"To kiss me?" Phil giggled back.

"To kiss you."

Dan said goodbye and packed up a backpack, assuming he would spend the night. He frantically shoved clothes inside the bag, snatching up his laptop, phone, and chargers along the way.

He was impatient waiting on public transport, wiggling his leg and checking his messages every few minutes.

Phil: xxx

Dan: xxxxxxxxx

Once Dan made his way to Phil's flat, he was greeted by Phil's bright smiling face. Dan stepped in and instantly brought him close for a kiss.

They melted into each other, their lips molding together. Phil chuckled and closed the door behind him, gently leading Dan to step back against it. The two passionately kissed, holding each other close, tugging on each others' lips like their lives depended on it. Dan's backpack gently hit the door, which didn't seem to phase him at all.

Dan reached up on his tiptoes to wrap his arms gently around Phil's shoulders, easing him closer until there was no space in between them. Phil's hands tenderly touch Dan's hips.

Phil pulled softly away from the kiss to whisper "I love you," then connected his lips back to Dan's. Dan smiled through their kisses, then quickly took a break to say, "Call me baby again. Like you did earlier."

"I love you, baby," Phil whispered, his arms making their way to his sides.

Dan grinned wide and said, "God, I love you too."

"Didn't know God was a pet name," Phil joked.

"Oh shut up," Dan giggled.

Dan kissed him until his lips were sore. He pulled back from a wet smooch to catch his breath, chuckling and looking up into Phil's eyes.

His eyes were perfect, he thought, studying them intensely. They were blueish green with spots of yellow like the waves and the sun. Perfect for gazing into. God, they were so damn pretty.

"What?" Phil asked quietly, noticing Dan gawk. "What's wrong? Why are you intensely looking at me?"

Dan giggled, "I'm looking at your eyes, you absolute spoon. I'm admiring how beautiful they are."

"You're being awful cheesy right now," Phil teased, "You know I'm lactose intolerant."

Dan rolled his eyes, unable to stay mad for very long. He pecked Phil's lips tenderly, smiling fondly at him.

"I've got to put my bag down, it's heavy," Dan groaned and pulled away from Phil to remove it.

Phil helped, exclaiming, "Jeez, Dan, what's in this?"

"Stuff to spend the night," he replied casually.

"Okay, good, I secretly wanted you to," Phil whispered, then goes to set Dan's bag down by the couch. Dan giggled again, then his tummy grumbled.

"I have leftover Chinese food," Phil said and led Dan to his kitchen. He opened the fridge to show him two to-go boxes of food. Dan took one out to look at its contents, three small piles of half-eaten rice, chicken, and noodles.

"I'll take this one," Dan said, then awkwardly set it down beside the microwave. "Umm, how long do I heat it up for?"

Phil chuckled at him, grabbing him a bowl to scoop the food onto. "How on Earth do you live by yourself?"

"I honestly don't know," Dan answered, "I like living alone, but I have to Google things a lot, like how long to heat things up or the measurements for cooking. Adulting is tough."

"Why aren't you with your parents still? Did they kick you out?" Phil asked as he scooped to contents of the to-go box into the bowl.

Dan sighed, "No. It was my decision to move out and come here. I wanted to be more independent, and I didn't - well, don't - like them bossing me around."

Phil nodded, placing his bowl in the microwave and heating it up. While the timer counted down, he asked, "What do you mean? Like them wanting you to be a lawyer?"

"Yeah," Dan said, "Before you called, it was my parents, telling me they were excited for me to go into law, and they wanted me to go to this building that my dad got me an internship at. We even argued a little bit, well, my dad did, I didn't really get to defend myself. I just really, really don't want to do it. It's not what I'm passionate about."

"Well," Phil said and reached out to hold both of Dan's hands. "What are you passionate about?"

Dan blushed, squeezing Phil's hands and looking down at them. "I want to..." He glanced into Phil's eyes, unable to say it. "I'm not sure yet. That's part of the reason why I moved here. To find out."

Dan really did know. He wanted to become an adult film actor. But in case that failed, he had no backup plan besides law. He didn't want to resort to that, but his gut would whisper to him that someday, he might have to. He dreaded it so, so much. Dan didn't want to do that at all, and only if his parents weren't so close-minded about that idea...

The microwave beeped, interrupting their moment. Phil released his hands to turn it off and take out Dan's food.

"Here," he said as he handed Dan his bowl, then found his silverware. "You can go find something to watch on TV while I heat up mine, okay?"

"Okay," Dan said, digging into his food as he walked. He went to the couch, deciding not to turn on the TV as he wanted to keep chatting to Phil instead, then faced the other end of the couch instead of forward.

Once Phil arrived at the couch, sitting across from him with their knees touching, Dan took a bite of chicken and said, "They want me to make a resume."

"A resume? I could help," Phil offered.

"No, I don't want to, it'll make them think I actually want to work at the law firm," Dan said and twirled noodles with a fork. Of course, Phil wanted to help him. Maybe it was hard for him to understand since Phil actually liked university when he was in it.

"Oh, right, sorry," Phil answered. He looked down at his food, picking up a scoop of rice. "I'm sorry they're upsetting you, Dan."

"It's okay, I'm used to them upsetting me," Dan mumbled, still playing with his food. "I just don't know what I'm gonna do to avoid that internship."

"When is the internship?" Phil asked.

"January, and if I complete the internship and work on getting my degree, they'll hire me, according to my dad," Dan said.

"Maybe we could just stay in Manchester for the entire month and we could pretend it was my birthday every day," Phil suggested.

Dan laughed and finally ate something again, "Your birthday is in January?"

"Yeah, the thirtieth," Phil smiled.

Dan nodded and ate some more chicken.

"I still don't know yours," Phil said and poked his side.

"June eleventh," he chuckled.

"Okay," Phil said. "It's very important I know. I always want to give the best birthday gifts."

"Yeah?" Dan replied, pondering what Phil would get him for his birthday. Most likely something cheesy, cute and sentimental. Dan would have to consider that when it got closer to Phil's birthday.

"I also had a feeling you were a Gemini," Phil said.

"Oh, did you?" Dan joked. "Are you sure about that?"

"Hey! My grandma was a psychic, maybe she told me that you were one," Phil said.

"Perhaps," Dan thought.

"You don't seem that two-faced to me," Phil teased.

"Hey!" Dan playfully hit his side repeatedly.

"Okay, okay," Phil reasoned and scooped more food into his mouth, "So, Manchester..."

"Right, Manchester," Dan said, "I'd love to visit and meet your parents, I'm just nervous."

"I understand. It's justified to be. I just hate to hear you're nervous. We'll have fun up there, only for a few days. You can sleep in my old bed and I'll sleep on the floor," Phil assured him.

"Why would you sleep on the floor? We can just share the bed," Dan inquired.

"Oh," Phil blushed, biting his bottom lip. "Well, we could do that..."

Dan finished his last bits of chicken and said, "What? Did I say something out of line?"

"No, I just didn't know if you would want to," Phil answered, "I still feel bad for what I texted you the other day."

"Don't be," Dan set down his food momentarily and gazed into his eyes. "Were you thinking that sleeping in the same bed might be too fast?"

"Yeah," Phil replied.

"As long as we're careful and wait for the right moment, I think it's okay. The trip seems like a good moment to me," Dan said.

"It's all whatever you're comfortable with, Dan," Phil leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Okay?"

"Okay," Dan grinned like a dork. He smiled down at his lap, looking up again when Phil brushed his fringe out of his eyes. "And the same for you."

"They'll love you, Dan. My parents are just as kind and accepting as me, okay? We'll have a lot of fun," Phil reminded him. It was reassuring, but Dan felt bad he was making him sound like a broken record.

"Okay," Dan said, standing up to clean off his plate in the sink. Phil spooked him by following him and stepping behind him, setting his plate down beside Dan's and wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Jesus, you scared me," Dan chuckled, his rosy patch prominent red.

"Again with the religious pet names, it's weird," Phil teased. He hugged Dan from behind and awkwardly stepped away.

Once they finish cleaning up after themselves, they lay sideways, Phil spooning Dan comfortably. The two watched TV, in peaceful silence, not daring to break it. Dan happily snuggled back into Phil's hold, grinning into the plush of the couch pillow. His whole body was calm and relaxed, his breathing was steady, he felt content in his little spoon position.

He was so ecstatic that he knows Phil loved him. He loved Phil too.

He loved when Phil talked about something he's passionate about, the way his eyes lit up and his lips curled into a smile. He loved his weird childhood stories, and his laugh every time he told one. His cheesy pickup lines. The way his tongue poked out from his teeth when he grinned. His dedication and ability to care so much about their relationship, whatever they were to each other.

Dan's phone buzzed in his pocket, interrupting his happy train of thought. It was a notification from Tumblr, so he quickly clicked it off and placed it upside down on the coffee table, hoping Phil didn't see or ask why his Tumblr url was "camboydan." He wondered if Phil would even tell him if he noticed, or just be too polite to ask about it.

Whatever, he thought, he had other things to think about. Ever since Phil told him over the phone that he loved him, he wanted to bring it up.

"Phil," he murmured, turning around on the couch so that he was facing him, a smile still adorning his tanned face. He watched as Phil slowly guided his attention away from the TV and to the boy in front of him instead.

"Yes?" he asked, reaching out to pet his hair with slender fingers. Dan melted into the soothing touches and bit his lip. How was he supposed to say this?

He hesitated for a moment, deciding what to say. Dan's nerves still told him it was early to be in love, but he ignored them; for Phil, it was worth it. Surely something this good couldn't be skinny love, or false hope, or anything like that, right?

"I'm so happy that you love me," Dan mused, meeting Phil's gaze. He watched as he stared for a moment, then expressed a smile.

"I'm happy you love me, too," Phil giggled, "Unbelievably happy. You make me feel so much joy, Dan."

Dan giggled, sucking in his bottom lip as he glanced down at Phil's lips in front of him. Phil grinned and paused his petting of Dan's hair to rest his palm on his cheek. Dan beamed, leaning in to kiss him.

Kissing him was magical. It sent tingles through his veins and eased his nerves. A kiss where they were unable to hold back their smiles was deemed perfect by Dan. Kisses with Phil meant so much more than any other smooch he'd shared with anyone in his entire life. It sent warm sensations to his tummy, tingling to his lips, ease to his shoulders.

Dan gently rested his hand on Phil's chest as he kissed him, tasting the food from earlier slightly and giggling. Phil's hand slowly migrated from his cheek through his hair and down to the nape of his neck, where Dan jumped and squealed.

"Dan? Shit, did I do something wrong?" Phil asked, pulled away from him in every way. He looked into Dan's eyes seriously, wondering what happened.

"No, it's...it's fine, just my neck. It's sensitive," Dan squeaked, his eyes tightly shut. He took a deep breath and relaxed the tension, opening his eyes carefully to see Phil.

"Ohh," Phil told him, hesitantly bringing his hand back to his cheek. "Do you not want me to touch there?"

As weird as it felt, and as stubborn as Dan usually was, he kind of...wanted Phil to touch his neck. It would take a bit of getting used to, but eventually, it might feel good, or so he presumed.

"Y-you can, it'll just be weird for me at first," Dan said, casting his gaze away from Phil's eyes. The cushion moved slightly, Dan could tell he was nodding. He met his eyes, and Phil was smirking, the little shit. Color rushed into Dan's cheeks and before he could say anything, they were kissing again.

Phil gently caressed Dan's neck, making him quiver, but something about Phil just made the touches tolerable. He tenderly moved his lips from Dan's to his cheek and then his jawline. Fuck. Dan knew where this was going.

He softly mewled under his touch, his fingers grazing the fabric of Phil's shirt as he gently held onto it. Once Phil's lips hit Dan's neck, however, he could barely control himself.

Trying his hardest not to get in Phil's way, he trapped his hand over his mouth to aid in holding back a moan. Phil tenderly placed wet kisses on his neck, and Dan was struggling to keep quiet. He carded his fingers through Phil's hair with his other hand, trembling as he sucked on the skin.

This was rare for Dan, letting someone be all over his neck like this. Usually it was his one no-no whenever he hooked up, but this time...this time there was a very worthy exception.

"Can't...can't have a hickey for work," Dan mumbled, having a hard time controlling himself.

"Okay, what about down here then?" Phil whispered sensually. Dan shuddered, thinking about that sinful voice right in his ear. Phil kissed his earlobe, dragging his lips back down until he reached his shirt.

"May I unbutton some of these, Dan?" he asked, just as sensual as earlier. Dan moaned at his words, fuck, it was so hot and he was so entranced that Phil could probably convince him to do anything with that damn voice. He nodded in response as Phil toyed with the first three buttons of his shirt.

He kissed over his Adam's apple, Dan muffling his moan through his fingers again. Phil slowly stopped, pulling away. Dan furrowed his brows and removed his hand.

"Why do you cover your mouth, Dan?" Phil asked, less than inches away from Dan's lips.

Dan sighed softly, "I sound loud and embarrassing."

"But I want to hear you," Phil leaned in to kiss his neck again, Dan barely noticing him reach out to occupy his hand. He held it firmly, "I want to hear your beautiful moans, only for me, hm?"

Dan hesitated. He didn't know what to say, shit, Phil definitely wasn't the only one hearing him moan. He shook his head slightly and quickly answered as Phil gently bit down on the flesh that met his neck and shoulders.

"Yes, only for you," Dan breathed.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Phil didn’t seem to notice Dan’s hesitation very much as he bit down on the wet skin, sucking it into his mouth to leave a hickey. Dan pushed his fingers through his jet black hair as he marked him. 

“Oh-“ Dan moaned, struggling to keep quiet. He rutted his hips up as Phil sucked on his smooth skin. He warm body pushed against Dan’s caused his hips to brush against him. 

Phil’s hand that was holding him trailed down to his hips, soothingly rubbing his side. He moved his lips lower down Dan’s collarbone and kissed around the skin, mapping out the area where he was going to suck up the blood vessels underneath. Dan was going to have significant love bites adorning his chest from him. Phil ended up giving him three hickeys near his collarbone. The deep, reddish purple marks contrasted his tanned skin beautifully. 

“You sound so wonderful,” Phil softly spoke, finalizing the hickeys. He gently released Dan’s hand from his. “Don’t hide those pretty noises from me, baby.”

Fuuuck. Phil would have to stop that, or Dan wouldn’t be able to control himself. He whimpered and rutted his hips up again. 

“If you still want to be going slow, this isn’t helping,” Dan mewled to him. Phil nodded and backed away. 

“Shit, ‘m sorry,” he mumbled, trying to sit up. 

“It’s okay,” Dan giggled, running his fingers over the new bruises on his collarbones. He was a bit flustered, but chose to ignore it. “It was hot. I liked it.”

“Okay, good,” Phil sighed. “I couldn’t help it. The way you were biting your lip, I just…”

Dan chuckled and ran his fingers against his jaw. “It’s okay. I like the marks.”

They watched movies into the night until it was dark, still lazily cuddling and lounging around on the couch. Once it got to what could be considered late, Phil turned to face Dan. 

“Do you wanna sleep in my bed? I can sleep here on the couch,” he offered. 

“No, it’s okay Phil, go sleep in your bed when you get tired,” Dan murmured, half asleep anyway. He cuddled into a pillow sleepily. 

When Dan woke up, he was most definitely not on the couch. He looked around through the dim light of the window and saw bright blue and green sheets around him. He was cuddling a pillow with the same colorful checkerboard pattern, as well. Phil must have carried him there after he fell asleep. He cracked a smile, softly smelling his sheets, they smelled good, like Phil. Someday, the pillow he was cuddling would be him, and they would wake up next to each other and give light good morning kisses, then disregard morning breath for real smooches on the lips. Dan smiled at the thought of the hopeful future. 

Dan sleepily sat up to look for Phil, assuming he was on the floor somewhere. When he didn’t see him, he tiptoed out of bed to look for him in the living room. It was weird being in his clothes from yesterday, as he usually slept in just his boxers. 

“Phil?” he asked into the hallway, glimpsing around for him. 

“‘Morning,” Phil mumbled, sitting up from the couch. His hair was messy and standing up on the sides, and his eyes were soft and tired. Dan bit his lip, thinking about how cute he looked. 

“Good morning,” Dan giggled, going to sit beside him on a blanket. “You didn’t have to put me on your bed.”

“Well I did,” Phil teased, turning to look at him. “Was it comfortable?”

“Very,” Dan smiled, “I slept well.”

“Good,” Phil smiled back. There was some sort of calm silence in the room, not bad, they were both just happy and sleepy. Comfortable silence. The glow of the morning sun shined golden through the window, and they both just gazed at each other’s sleepy faces. Phil gently placed his hand on Dan’s cheek and pecked his lips.

“Your hair’s all messed up,” Dan giggled, reaching out to touch it, then brushing back his fringe. 

“So is yours,” Phil laughed, looking up at his hand. 

“It does? Oh shit,” Dan quickly attempted to flatten it, “I always try my best to look nice when I see you, don’t look at me!”

“It’s okay, it’s natural. I like sleepy, cute, morning Dan,” Phil flirted.

“Yeah? I like sleepy, cute, morning Phil,” Dan flirted back.

Phil grinned and looked down at his lap, then back up at Dan. “Did you have a dream?”

“Not really,” Dan stated, “Did you?”

“Yeah,” Phil said, “I dreamt about you being a lawyer. Didn’t go so well.”

“Could you tell my parents that?” Dan joked. 

“I wish,” Phil said, then asked him, “Do they know about me?”

“I’m afraid not,” Dan admitted. “I...obviously care about you, so much, I’m just afraid to tell them. God, that sounds so shitty of me.”

“I understand, Dan, it’s okay,” Phil told him, reaching for his hand, “Maybe one day.”

“Hopefully one day,” Dan smiled. “I want to tell them all about you. About how much I love you and about how much you help me, and make me feel happy, and everything in between.”

“Good thing I told my parents the same about you,” Phil rubbed Dan’s knuckles, chuckling softly and looking down at their hands. 

“Really?” Dan asked, a wide smile adorning his face. He touched Phil’s cheek, making their eyes meet. “Phil. Really?”

“Of course I have,” Phil assured him. “Dan...oh Dan, don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan sniffled, “I’m being stupid. Just...nobody’s ever talked about me like that before.”

“I bet someone has before... but yes, I have told them all about you, Dan, I’m sure they know exactly what you look like based on how much I’ve talked about you. How soft and calming your eyes are, how plump and pink your lips are, your perfect nose, your rosy patch, of course…” Phil said, interrupted by Dan practically leaping into his lap. They both laughed and hugged, tight. “And how sweet and caring you are, and honest…”

Dan blocked out all of his words from then on, stilling. Honest. Fuck. He continued crying, his tears spilling down his cheeks and down onto Phil’s sweater. Honest.

“Phil…” Dan said weakly. “I haven’t-“

“I know you haven’t told your parents, and it’s okay, bear,” Phil soothed. He rubbed Dan’s back. 

I haven’t been honest with you, Dan wanted to say. He hiccuped, just deciding to nod instead. He pulled away from Phil and allowed him to wipe his tears away.

“Let’s go make some coffee,” Phil said and led him to the kitchen.

Dan sat on the counter as Phil brewed their coffee, dangling his feet over the edge. He hummed as he watched Phil make it. 

“Your neck okay?” Phil asked. 

“My neck? Oh, right, um,” Dan blushed profusely. He curled up timidly, murmuring, “It’s more like my collarbones, but um, they’re...alright.”

Phil just smirked and chuckled, stopping his work with the coffee maker controls and striding over to his side of the counter. He placed his arms down, looking at Dan as he trapped him in the middle. Dan was scarlet, carefully concentrating on his every move. He sat up and cleared his throat, gasping slightly when Phil’s hands touched his sides. He tenderly felt through the fabric, trying to ease him. 

“Relax, Dan, it’s okay,” Phil soothed.

“‘M sorry,” Dan mumbled, flustered. Phil kissed him, and he sighed softly, finally relaxing a little. 

“Do I make you nervous, Dan?” Phil broke from the kiss to say.

“You relax and stress me out at the same time,” Dan said, “I always want to be impressing you, but at the same time, you ease my nerves and make me feel happy.”

“I understand. But please don’t stress yourself out, Dan, I’m honestly impressed with how good you look from just waking up,” Phil attempted to wink.

Dan smiled, that was so smooth of him to say. He gently touched Phil’s chin to get him to lean in and kiss him again, this time much less fearfully. They softly kissed under the bright light of his kitchen, holding each other close as their coffee bubbled in the background. Dan’s legs wrapped around Phil’s hips as they began to kiss deeper, and Dan felt at Phil’s sweater-covered back until they were interrupted by the brewer. 

“We always get interrupted,” Phil whispered, then lightly tugged on Dan’s bottom lip for a second before pulling away to grab mugs out of the cabinet. Dan found his lip tugging extremely sexy and hoped they would be able to continue after their hot drinks...he really, really hoped. He played with his hands, watching Phil. 

“Do you need new clothes, Dan?” Phil asked politely as he poured their coffee into their mugs. 

“I brought some, but if you’re going to offer me to wear your clothes…” Dan said cheekily, hopping off the counter. Phil just gave him a look, biting his lip and handing him his mug, which had corgi patterns all over it. Phil’s mug was covered in cacti patterns. They walked back to the lounge with their mugs in hand, then plopped onto the couch. Dan took a long sip from his mug and began looking at it. 

“Nice choice of mugs,” Dan inspected his corgi mug carefully. The dog pattern was blue with orange and white corgis all over it. 

“Thanks,” Phil smiled. He looked at the green and purple cacti designs on his mug, then at the real cacti on his windowsill. 

“Do you want a dog someday?” Dan asked curiously, then took a sip of coffee. 

“Yes. I want a corgi and her name shall be Buffy,” Phil exclaimed. 

“Nice. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer?” Dan chuckled. 

“Exactly like Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Phil announced proudly, pointing. “See over there? I have all of the seasons on DVD in my shelf.”

“Wow, impressive,” Dan said, taking a mental note of things Phil liked for future gifts. Dogs, plants, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Easy. 

“Y’know…” Dan started, sipping and then setting down his mug. “You’ve never really showed me or talked to me about what you do on YouTube.”

Phil nodded, finishing his coffee in one long sip, prolonging the silence. He then rested the mug carefully in his hands. “I just talk about my life, really, there isn’t very much you don’t already hear.”

“Like what?” Dan asked, still very inquisitive. 

“Opening mail from fans, strange experiences with people in public, why I was a weird kid, stuff like that,” Phil formulated. “If you make me put on a video, I’ll get incredibly shy.”

“Then let’s watch some,” Dan set down his coffee, grabbed his phone and searched ‘Phil Lester’ on YouTube. It was easy to find him, just like it would be easy to find Dan. He hoped that Phil would never search his name into the Google search bar, for the results would be very explicit. That would just be so utterly embarrassing. He had no idea what would pop up first.

Dan ignored the strange feeling in his gut after imagining Phil searching for him tapped on a ‘Why I was a weird kid’ video, watching Phil greet the audience. He chuckled and the video played out, he was admiring Phil’s upbeat and quirky persona on camera. Phil sat beside him, watching his reactions to the video. 

“You thought girls had two dicks?” Dan giggled, pausing the video to look at him. Phil blushed and nodded slowly, then put his mug down as well to gesture for Dan to climb into his lap. Dan happily complied, and together they binge watched Phil’s videos. Dan was laughing and smiling the whole time. 

“I love it,” Dan laughed at the end of the series of videos, he had lost count of how many he watched. “It seems fun.”

“It is, I really enjoy making them,” Phil told him. “I like having an audience of people that listen to what I have to say.”

Dan liked having an audience too, just in a different way. But he understood what Phil meant, it was nice to have a large group of people who genuinely cared about you and enjoyed seeing you show up in their feed. 

“Seems nice,” said Dan, laying back against his chest. He sighed and turned to look back at Phil, smiling widely. 

“What?” Phil asked, giggling back. 

“I just like you,” Dan grinned, gently placing his hand on Phil’s cheek and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “A lot.”

“Cheesy,” Phil answered, kissing back. 

“Whatever, you love it,” Dan winked.

“I do,” Phil admitted. “You want some of my clothes?”

“Absolutely,” Dan stated, a bit too excitedly. 

Phil led Dan to his bedroom to pick out a cozy sweater he’d worn a day or two ago, which Dan didn’t mind, he had wanted it to smell like him, and some black skinny jeans. Dan looked in the mirror at his Phil cosplay, grinning widely. Once Phil reentered the room, Dan happily posed in his outfit. 

“Can I try on your glasses, too?” Dan asked. 

“Sure,” Phil chuckled, retrieving them from their case. He carefully handed them to Dan, who immediately put them on his ears. 

“You look just like me, I can’t even tell if I’m Phil anymore,” he teased, “Are you sure you don’t want a cleaner top?”

“Didn’t you just shower yesterday before I came?” Dan dared to joke. 

“You know what I meant!” Phil turned red. “A cleaner jumper.”

Dan laughed at his reaction, “No, I like that it smells like you…”

Wondering why Phil had gotten so shy, he looked around the room through the lenses, “Wow, you can’t see for shit.”

“Correct,” Phil agreed. 

Dan handed him back his glasses, watching Phil lick his lips at him in the mirror. Knowing he was being watched, he blushed. He tried to not allow Phil to take any pictures of him in his clothes, but they ended up taking a bunch of stupid laptop selfies.

Dan stayed over for a while until he decided it was late and he needed to get home. He had work the next day and he liked to have free time beforehand. 

He plopped down on his couch to check his blog, and his video from a week or so ago with the fox tail had caught on to be popular. Gay UK Eighteen Plus acknowledged him by reblogging the gifs with a caption promoting their new issue he would be in. 

“This frisky fox @camboydan is featured in our December issue! Subscribe now!”

Dan hoped their plan to make the December issue the biggest one yet would work. He was excited to see what the future held for him in the porn industry, and hopefully this magazine issue would help grant him even more popularity than he already had. It’d been a while since Dan had shown his face in photos, and this way more people would be able to see the face that matched the body they were thirsting over. 

There was the fact that Phil could potentially see him, that was nerve wracking as all hell. As much as he wanted recognition, he didn’t want to be on the front page or anything, just in case Phil did happen to see him. Or, of course, his parents. The chance of that was quite small, and Dan prayed it would stay that way. It would be as easy for Phil to find Dan as for Dan to find Phil. 

But wouldn’t Phil have to be looking at specific things to find Dan? Unless he was weird and randomly Googled people’s names. Maybe Dan was being a bit of a pervert right now, but he couldn’t help but wonder what Phil was into. Some of his best...work, if it could be called that, usually had inspiration, while some felt forced. And Dan definitely had inspiration right now. 

Dan kept Phil’s jumper on but removed the sweatpants and changed into a different set of boxers, a much cuter Hello Kitty pair rather than a boring grey pair. Ironically, it matched the black and pink sweater Phil had given him to wear. He posed for cute pictures simply with his phone camera, a couple of them reaching nude territory, but he still kept the two items of clothing on. After god knows how many photos, he shrugged and got himself ready to film a video - a pathetic stack of pillows with his laptop slightly bent. 

While he filmed, he thought of Phil watching it back at home, and what he was potentially into. He hoped they had some similarities in kinks, and it would admittedly be pretty cute if Phil was secretly a kinky little shit like Dan, but Dan would never say that out loud. Dan allowed his mind to wander and he filmed a pretty good video of himself jerking off.

Dan had set up the view so that the camera could only see that he was wearing the jumper and Hello Kitty boxers. He started like he typically did, showing off and rubbing himself teasingly through the fabric, then actually pulling them down to show his dick. He bit his lip at the cool air biting at his lower tummy and crotch, not minding that the camera couldn’t see his mouth anyway.

He gently teased himself with feather light touches of his fingertips, then pressing his thumb to the underside, then lubing up his hand and actually grasping his cock and squeezing. He thought of Phil the entire time, and it only took him a few minutes to wail out until he finished. 

After cleaning up, thankful he hadn’t ruined Phil’s jumper, he quickly edited it in Final Cut Pro and queued it on his blog and private website to post while he was at work the next day. After posting, he stopped looking at his blog to get ready for work tomorrow, knowing it was going to be a busy seasonal day. It would be a long few hours putting up decorations and dealing with impatient customers, or so he presumed. He went to bed early, snuggling into his pillow and keeping Phil’s cozy jumper on. He texted Phil quickly before he snoozed. 

Dan: holy shit  
Dan: i’m never taking this jumper off. 

Phil: I’ve discovered seeing you in my clothes is the best thing in the world 

Dan: the best thing?

Phil: The best. The cutest, the hottest, the best thing ^_^  
Phil: Better than PSLs

Dan: wow  
Dan: how romantic

Phil: I’d love to see a photo of you wearing it xx

Dan happily obliged. He took one that was more casual and less raunchy, it was him holding up a sweater paw over his mouth while his doe eyes looked innocently into the camera, any evidence of his events from earlier clearly hidden. The photo captured Hello Kitty too, and just a bit of his milky thighs. He sent it with a bunch of heart and cat emojis. 

Dan: it’s so warm ^_^

Phil: Adorable as always

Phil sent him a screenshot of the new picture as his phone background, Dan’s heartbeat slightly picking up when he saw that Phil had a Tumblr. Of course he did. Whatever. At least this conversation was over text so he could keep his cool.

Dan: awwh :3  
Dan: good to know you think i’m pretty enough to be a home screen

Phil: Of course sweetheart  
Phil: If I could make that what I see every time I close my eyes…  
Phil: Nvm that’s too cheesy

Dan: *gags*  
Dan: i’m kidding <3

Phil: When do you get off of work tomorrow sweetheart?

Dan: i work 10am-3pm ^.^

Phil: Want to go out after?

Dan: when would i not <3

Phil: Okay. Maybe we can go to Starbucks?

Dan: of course

Dan smiled happily down at his phone. He loved making plans with Phil. And he was almost always free, and if not, he made time. 

Phil: Okay <3

Dan: i’ll just need a moment after work to change then we can meet there bb <3

Phil: Sounds like a plan <3

Dan: i’m gonna go to bed so i can be energized for work and our date tomorrow babe ^_^ <3

Phil: Okay  
Phil: Goodnight  
Phil: I love you bear x

Dan was beaming at his phone in the dim light of his bedroom. 

Dan: i love you too xx

He slept so well that night, dreams of happy things clouded his brain as he snuggled into his pillow.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!

The days and nights were growing colder as the end of November approached, and Dan was stuck right in the middle of the weird period of weather between autumn and winter, trekking down the street to Tesco. Cold mornings sucked. 

He huddled up in his thin jacket, thinking, god, he really needed to “borrow” a coat from Phil. It would make this walk slightly less dreadful and temporarily cover his navy blue Tesco polo, and he’d be sure to “borrow” one that actually had a zipper or buttons. All this one had was two lousy pockets to dig his fists into in a poor attempt to heat himself up. 

At least he was up on his feet and outside. He knew when winter shifted into full gear, it would be a hell of a lot harder to motivate himself to go to work. The melted, sludgy snow on the sidewalks would ruin his shoes, the snow would send uncomfortable shivers down his spine, people around him on public transport would cough or sneeze and probably get him sick.

It wasn’t windy, but this cold gave him goosebumps. Only a few more blocks until he was at work. If he didn’t have rent to pay, and if he didn’t have to worry about feeling lonely when Phil was busy, he was sure he’d just lounge around all day. But he had Tesco to work part time for. 

Having a little extra money just in case one of his videos or photo sets flopped was reassuring, and it gave him something to do rather than sitting around masturbating on camera all day. He’d meant to explore the city sometime, he really needed to with Phil, because he was too afraid to dwell too far from his flat alone. Plus, it could be fun to discover things or shop or whatever together. 

He walked through the sliding doors of the store, looking around to see what coworkers he’d have to deal with today. There was a bitchy one named Jessica, a much calmer one named Becky, and then some middle-aged people that he saw every now and then, most of which he couldn’t remember the names of. He probably should since he worked such weird shifts, but he was pretty quiet at work. 

“Hi Dan,” someone greeted, “Go get clocked in and I’ll give you something to do.”

“Alright,” Dan called, walking to the back. He clocked in, put his sweater in his locker and quickly attached his name tag.

Dan worked part-time that day but he swore it felt like more than six hours. 

He unloaded boxes in the back for an hour or two, then the next few hours he had been unloading merchandise he didn’t know much about on the floor, meaning he’d have to look like a dumbass and ask another employee for help if someone needed something. Dan hated when that happened, and it did more often than not. He preferred it much more when he actually managed to help a customer instead of making their shopping trip more complicated by asking for help from another employee that wasn’t some lanky, awkwardly tanned emo trying to escape his past. 

He headed home quickly to change into something nicer to go to Starbucks with Phil, choosing to wear a plaid shirt and skinny jeans. Dan would be lying if he said he didn’t start wearing plaid because of Phil. There was some sort of symbolism to him - Phil wore plaid on their first date and often in his YouTube videos, after all. 

He made sure to grab a slightly better jacket, then checked his phone to see Phil’s string of texts. 

Phil: Hi bear  
Phil: Out of work? Still want to go to Starbucks?

Dan: yes  
Dan: and of course i would <3

Dan could really get used to Phil calling him bear. 

At Starbucks, they laughed over caramel macchiatos like they always did, sitting in a booth beside the fogged up window. Dan peered out, then drew a sad face on it. 

“Aw, why a sad face? Draw a Christmas tree at least,” Phil said, watching Dan smile at him fondly. Dan doodled a Christmas tree beside the sad face, then took a long sip of his drink. 

Phil scooted closer to the window to draw presents under the tree and a star on top, making Dan chuckle. Dan drew a fireplace, then Phil added stockings and a wreath. 

“How festive,” Dan said, grinning at their creation. 

“Much better than the sad face,” Phil assured him. “Close your eyes.”

“Oh god. Why?” Dan raised his brow. 

“Just close them and trust me,” Phil said. 

“Fine,” Dan agreed. He covered his eyes with his palms as he heard Phil smear up the window. 

“Can I peek yet?” Dan asked. 

“Almost,” Phil told him, then after a few seconds, “Okay...now.”

Dan removed his hands to see two stick figures beside the tree holding hands with a heart drawn in the middle. He’d added fairy lights above the mantle and more miscellaneous Christmas decorations to the picture. Below the stick figures, he wrote: “I Love Dan.”

“Cheesy fucker,” Dan blushed, covering his cheeks. He giggled and snapped a photo of the window. 

“It’s us in Manchester,” Phil added as he gave the stick figures Santa hats. “When near Christmas do you want to go?”

“I’m deciding,” Dan said, “I’m considering telling my parents I’m working on Christmas so I don’t have to go to Wokingham.”

“You don’t wanna go? Even after we go to Manchester?” Phil asked, perplexed. He must be attempting to imagine a Christmas without spending time with his family, while Dan seemed perfectly content with it. 

“Not really. I miss my brother and my grandma but I can always call or text them, and of course, I’ll send gifts. I just don’t want to be at the dinner table with everyone,” Dan explained casually. 

“But that’s one of the best parts! Sharing stories you haven’t shared since you’ve last seen each other, enjoying all that food together, joking around,” Phil whined. 

“That’s the Lesters,” Dan sighed, drinking from his cup. “Not the Howells. It’d be similar, but this year I don’t wanna be a part of it.”

“Okay,” Phil said, a little disappointed. “But you know you’d have to have dinner with my family, right?”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, “It’s nerve-wracking, but new and exciting. Yours I’m looking forward to.”

“Okay, good,” Phil finally drank. “Anyway…”

“Anyway, can we go Christmas shopping after this?” Dan asked. 

“Of course, but this won’t be the only time we go shopping this season,” Phil responded. 

“Agreed,” Dan said.

“So do you want to be in Manchester on actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?” Phil inquired, bringing their initial conversation back. 

“Sure,” Dan spoke. “Tesco’s closed, and I’ve already requested the next couple days after off.”

“Perfect,” Phil said with a smile. “You’ll love it up there. Maybe we could make the train up there on the twenty-third and come back on the twenty-sixth?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Dan smiled, finishing his macchiato. 

After Starbucks, Dan and Phil walked around the city, holding each other’s hands and swinging them back and forth as they passed through the shops. They looked as cheesy as they always did, giggling and smiling as they comment on the scenery. Happy music played as they passed along the shops like they were in a Hallmark movie. Phil was definitely more prepared for the weather, wearing a winter coat and gloves instead of a thin jacket like Dan. The twinkling Christmas lights sparkled as they adorned the stores and restaurants, Dan looking at all of them interestingly. 

“Look, it’s me,” Dan joked, pointing to the lights.

“Hm?” Phil stopped and turned to look at him. 

“Twinkling lights,” Dan explained, then continued when Phil didn’t seem to understand. “Twink.”

“Ohh,” Color filled Phil’s cheeks as he smiled at the ground. Dan wondered why he always blushed when he joked like that.

“Sorry,” Dan murmured. 

“It’s alright,” Phil squeezed his hand. “Let’s go find my mum some gifts.”

After shopping for an hour or so, they found a store that Phil thought his mum would like and buy her some very domestic gifts, like new kitchen towels or home decorations or ornaments. Dan’s surprised at how much Phil is getting for his mum, Dan just found a simple picture frame for his. 

“Will your mum spoil you as much as you spoil her?” Dan teased. 

“Probably,” Phil said as he carried the bags proudly. Dan bought the small picture frame for his mum while Phil bought a bunch of candles, then they headed out the door. 

“Shit, has it gotten colder since we went inside?” Dan rubbed his bare palms together for friction. 

“You just need a coat and gloves, Dan,” Phil reached to hold his cold hand with his gloved one. “Do you not have any?”

Dan shook his head, “The ones I had at home were getting too small, so I left them behind for Adrian.”

“Let’s go buy you some good clothes. It’s winter now,” Phil tugged his hand, “I think I remember where Topman is.”

“Oh dear,” Dan giggled, accepting the hand tugging. “You think.”

“I think,” Phil agreed, pulling him down the street. 

They walked quite far to Topman. If Dan didn’t find Phil so cute for being so enthusiastic about simply buying Dan a fucking coat, he’d complain about how badly his legs hurt. 

“Are we almost there?” Dan tried to ask politely.

“Yes, it’s only one more block, do you see the sign?” Phil excitedly pointed. “You’re going to be warm!”

Dan chuckled, “Yeah, I see it.”

The store enveloped them in warmth as they entered, which was so relieving to Dan. He was quite tired of shivering out in the cold. Maybe after they could just go to Phil’s and cuddle by the fireplace.

Phil lead Dan upstairs to the men’s section and found where the fancy coats were, Dan looking at all the people near them as his lover tugged him around.

“Okay, here we are,” Phil smiled, “Pick any coat you like and I’ll buy it for you.”

“No, Phil, it’s okay, I brought my card,” Dan said, but Phil wasn’t having any of it. 

“No, I’m buying it,” Phil insisted. “Do you like this black one?”

Dan looked at a long black coat that Phil was eyeing. He looked for his size and tried it on, it was a good fit. He zipped it up and it was super warm. 

“It looks good on you,” Phil checked him out. “Do you like it?”

“Yeah,” Dan said. He looked at the tag on the coat. It was two hundred pounds. He tried to mask his shocked expression, covering the sales tag quickly. 

“There’s no way you’re buying this for me,” Dan said, hiding the tag.

“The price doesn’t matter, Dan, take it off so I can go buy it for you,” Phil told him. 

“Nooo,” Dan whined. “It’s too much, I’ll buy it myself.”

“I’ve bought you expensive cocktails, this isn’t any different!” Phil whined back. “Just let me spoil you.”

As much as Dan loved being spoiled…he sighed and unzipped the coat.

“Fine, but this counts as a Christmas gift, meaning you shouldn’t get me much else,” Dan scolded him.

“Deal,” Phil removed the coat from his shoulders to buy it. 

“You lavish me too much,” Dan said, looking around quickly then pecking Phil’s cheek. 

“Anything for you,” Phil answered with a grin. 

After, Dan carried their bags while Phil took the coat to the checkout. While Dan waited, he looked at the tinsel and garland around the store, the decorations were nice. 

“Oh, decorations!” Dan reminded him. “We should go back to yours and put them up, then sit by the fireplace.”

“Yes,” Phil agreed. He smiled at Dan’s enthusiasm as his arms swung the bags. Phil bought the coat eagerly, and as soon as they left the checkout line he put it on Dan. Dan zipped it up with ease.

“Now let’s test it,” Dan took Phil’s hand and led him downstairs and out of the store. He walked outside and felt really warm inside, but maybe that was just because it was Phil who bought him the coat. 

“How’s it doing?” Phil asked, walking Dan to the side of the door. 

“Perfect,” Dan looked down at the coat, then up at Phil. “I’m a lot warmer.”

“Good,” Phil squeezed his hand in replacement of a kiss. “Now let’s go back to mine so we can put my vast collection of Christmas decorations up.”

Dan laughed, “Okay.”

They took public transport home, standing beside each other and gripping onto the rail. Dan looked around and saw a young man, maybe twenty, trying to get his attention. He made a questionable face and shuffled over to him.

“Are you Dan Howell?” the man asked like he couldn’t believe it. 

“Yeah, why?” Dan inquired. 

“You’re going to be in that new magazine issue!” He nearly shouted. 

Dan went scarlet. He nodded quickly, keeping his voice low, “Yeah, I am.”

“That’s so cool! I thought I recognized you, you’re quite fit,” the man complimented.

“Thanks, but-“ Dan was interrupted by Phil tapping his shoulder. He turned to see Phil behind him, looking clearly pissed off. 

“This is our stop, Dan,” Phil said through gritted teeth. 

“Oh okay, um…bye,” he told the man sitting down. 

“Bye Dan,” the man said flirtatiously, not getting the message. “Want my cell?”

“No, thank you,” Dan was being tugged. Phil ushered Dan out to the underground, walking to where the staircase up to the street was. 

“This isn’t our stop,” Dan said once they made it outside. He didn’t recognize Phil’s flat building anywhere. 

“I know, but he was flirting with you,” Phil scoffed. “It’s only a couple of blocks.”

“Aww, did Philly get jealous?” Dan cooed. Phil just fell silent, not laughing or smiling until they made it to his flat.

Once they made it inside, Dan removed his coat and jacket and hung them on a hook. “Did I upset you? I’m sorry. I was joking around.” Dan placed his shopping bags on the floor.

“It’s okay, I just get jealous easy,” Phil admitted. “I don’t like how that coat covers up your hickeys, and I didn’t like how that man was talking to you.”

Dan nodded, biting his lip. He daringly murmured, “What are you going to do about it?”

“Hmm?” Phil snuck closer to him, placing his hand on his back. 

“I said, what are you going to do about it?” Dan gazed at him, chewing his bottom lip. The tension between the two was incredibly strong. Dan felt his heart pound in his chest and the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

“I’ll show you,” Phil whispered into his ear. Dan smirked, swirling around to face him. Phil instantly grasped Dan’s hips and pulled him close, Dan placing his hands on Phil’s jaw. Dan attached his lips to Phil’s and kissed him with a new, fiery passion. 

They kissed for a while until Phil pulled away momentarily, their foreheads touching. He led Dan backward toward the couch, whispering, “Is this okay?”

“Completely,” Dan said in a hushed tone, “I should make you jealous more often.”

Phil chuckled and rubbed his hips, kissing him again. Their lips collided roughly against each other until they reached the couch, Phil sitting down and Dan climbing happily into his lap. He straddled his thighs and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, smiling and tilting his head to kiss him again, which never got old. 

Dan ran his fingers through Phil’s soft hair on the back of his head, feeling tingles in his tummy at all the making out they were proceeding to do. He moaned softly against his lips, gently tugging on the hair to make them any closer than they already were. His eyes were closed and his back was arched, and god was he enjoying jealous Phil, who was continuing to dominate his mouth by the second. 

Dan opened his jaw to allow Phil to lick into his mouth, mewling and running his fingers through his hair. Phil sighed, then pressed his tongue into Dan’s. He was still rubbing Dan’s hips and back, slowly teasing his hands down to his ass. God, did Dan just want him to put his hands there and squeeze. 

Fuck self-control, fuck going slow, Dan was enjoying every minute of this and he decided he didn’t want to wait for the “right” moment anymore. This was it. They were definitely going to do something about it, too. Dan and Phil had surely been going slow for long enough now - Dan felt like he had waited years for this. They were past saying “I love you,” so he had nothing to worry about. 

“Touch me,” Dan said breathily, pushing his bum back against his hands. Phil did so, making butterflies fill in Dan’s stomach and Phil elicit a moan from him. 

Dan ground his hips into Phil’s, smirking to himself when Phil groaned quietly. Phil lifted him up slightly and laid him down on the couch onto his back. He leaned down to kiss at his neck, leaving Dan shuddering and gasping. 

“May I unbutton this, baby?” Phil asked sensually into Dan’s ear, his palms already on Dan’s chest. 

Dan leaned into the touch and nodded, “Please.”

As Phil unbuttoned his plaid shirt, he brushed Dan’s nipples, making him squeak. The cold air hitting his chest strangely felt good. Phil smirked and chuckled, reaching the last button quickly. 

“God, Dan, you’re so beautiful,” Phil praised. Dan was living for it. He loved being praised, especially from Phil. Dan sat up to remove the shirt, draping it over the back of the couch. 

Phil smooched his neck again with hot, wet kisses, trailing down to his collarbones. He sucked on the preexisting faded hickeys to make them new again, then kissed down lower. He kissed Dan’s nipple teasingly, then licked and bit down right beside it. 

“Fuck, b-babe,” Dan stuttered with hesitance. He heaved, his chest rising and falling with a huge sigh. This was one of the first times he was calling Phil a pet name in person. He rested his hand atop Phil’s head, carding his fingers gently through his hair to urge him on. He watched the hickey form, Phil’s fringe tickling his skin.

Phil peeked up at him, kissing down near his belly button. He moved to where Dan’s happy trail would be, reaching his jeans. Dan eagerly lifted his hips up, looking up when Phil didn’t take them off. 

“May I?” Phil asked, Dan noting how nice it was that he was being so dominant as well as so careful. Dan nodded and watched his precision as he unzipped his jeans. He gently grabbed onto the sides to pull them down, and Dan pulled from them to get them off. Once they were off, Phil dropped them onto the carpet. 

“Jealous Phil turning you on?” Phil teased, placing a soft kiss to his neck. Dan slowly nodded, blushing and looking up at him with doe eyes. He’d do anything for Phil right now. Anything. 

He continued kissing down to Dan’s thighs, Dan voluntarily spreading them for easier reach. Phil laid on his tummy as Dan sat back, shivering at every kiss down there. Fuck, he could get used to Phil being in between his thighs. 

“You shave your legs?” Phil examined the smooth skin. 

“Yeah, I shave everywhere,” Dan replied, unsure if he was being weird or not. 

“Hmm,” Phil said as he licked the skin tenderly. Dan felt a little pang in his heart and just a slight moment of worry. “Still okay?”

“Yeah, I’m enjoying jealous Phil,” Dan nodded, spreading his thighs so his feet were up in the air a bit. 

Phil just chuckled and bit down on the wet skin, causing Dan to shriek. He arched his head back, moaning and finding his fingers in Phil’s hair again.

“I don’t like how that man was flirting with you,” Phil mumbled before sucking the hickey.

“So you’re marking me up?” Dan asked, pushing Phil’s fringe back to give him a quiff. He looked quite attractive with one, maybe one day Dan could convince him to change it. 

“Exactly,” Phil purred, “To make you mine.”

“I am yours,” Dan told him, “That man was just being stupid.”

“How did he know your name then?” Phil asked, stopping the kisses and looking up at him with his eyebrow raised. 

“Uh-um,” Dan stuttered, his brain searching for a lie. Shit. “He’s...he goes to Tesco often,” Dan completed. 

“So do I need to worry about him?” Phil said in that husky tone Dan loved. It made Dan twitch, and if he wasn’t growing hard earlier, he definitely was now. When he hesitated to answer, Phil bit down on the skin. 

“Mmph...n-no,” Dan answered, discovering that Phil being dominant like this was the best thing he’d ever experienced in his eighteen years of life, not to be dramatic. It was so, so attractive; the way his eyes were dark, his tone was deep, his hands were on his hips, his lips inches away from his most private areas. He wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

Phil marked his thighs up carelessly with reddish-purple bruises, the plush skin tender after each lovebite. Dan was moaning and whimpering the whole time, this time less worried about his noise and too far gone to care. 

“Mmmnh,” Dan sucked in his noises, his lip caught between his teeth. 

“You’re so gorgeous, Dan,” Phil purred, leaning back up to kiss his lips. “Your body. Your sounds. So gorgeous.”

Dan kissed him back, then murmured, “You’re wearing way too many clothes.”

“Then take some off,” Phil whispered. 

Dan helped Phil get out of his sweater and then ran his hands down his back, easing him close to kiss again. His back was smooth and warm, and he ran his fingertips up and down it. He found him so, so handsome, and was kissing him to express that love for his body.

He moaned softly against his lips, one hand on his back and the other in his hair to hold them close. Their lips collided and parted and they exchanged soft, sweet whispers in between. While pressing their tongues together, Phil was rubbing Dan’s skin, stopping when Dan gasped loudly as Phil’s hand brushed his cock.

“Shit, I'm sorry, I’ll stop-“ Phil began, but Dan interrupted. 

“Don’t. Please,” Dan begged. “I n-need you. I’m close, Phil.”

“Okay,” Phil said, “So may I touch?”

“Yes, please, fuck,” Dan whimpered. He rutted his hips up as Phil adjusted, causing his hips to collide into Dan. A low groan escaped Dan’s lips, and his hips begged for friction again. Phil complied, grinding his hips into Dan’s, grunting softly. Phil moaned so much more quietly compared to Dan. 

Through his groaning, Dan could tell Phil was hard too, by a lot. Either Dan miraculously had more space to be turned on or Phil was bigger than him. But he didn’t have time to ponder, Phil was palming him, and fuck did it feel good. 

“Unhhhh-“ Dan moaned, Phil’s hand holding his clothed cock. He weakly bucked his hips up into the touch, watching Phil focus on the way his body was spasming. His belly was filled to the brim with arousal.

“God, Dan,” Phil huffed into his ear, “You’re loving this, hm?”

“Ah...yes,” Dan choked out. “Please, just fucking touch me. For real.”

“I will baby, but I just love riling you up,” Phil purred. Dan groaned, partially because this was really fucking hot, and partially because he’d have to wait even longer to cum.

Phil kissed him, hungry, passionate kisses with teasing touches all over Dan, on his neck, near his nipples, near his dick, his hips, his bum. Whatever to continue to rile him up, which he found hot apparently. Dan couldn’t take it anymore. He took matters into his own hands, quite literally, and removed his hands from Phil to pull off his boxers. 

While they made out, Phil’s hands blindly felt around for Dan’s, helping him out of the last trap of fabric. Now Dan was nude in front of Phil for the first time. On his sofa. 

Dan wasn’t scared, or at least he thought he wasn’t. He’d shown his naked body to possibly thousands of people online before, why should this be any different? Why did he suddenly feel so exposed - a camboy, feeling exposed? Did that even make any sense? Pink dusted his cheeks, his chest and his tummy as Phil stopped kissing him to gaze. Phil was quiet, taking in every inch of Dan’s form. By the way he was looking at him, Dan could tell he was in awe, admiring his body like a canvas at a museum. 

“Is this okay?” Dan asked in a hushed tone. 

“Yes. You’re so perfect,” Phil pecked his nose. 

Dan wanted to protest, but he figured that wouldn’t be very sexy, so he kept quiet. Phil saw the doubt in his eyes, and gently stroked his cheek, forcing him to look up at him. 

“Perfect. Okay?” Phil’s gaze made Dan believe him. His eyes were so soft, despite all the dominance mixed in between. Phil was a perfect cocktail of calm and fiery, and he was always keeping it filled. 

“Okay,” Dan temporarily agreed. He lifted his head up to peck his nose back, giggling. 

“I love you, and I’m going to make you feel good, okay?” Phil whispered gently. 

“Okay,” Dan said again. “I...I love you too.”

Phil kissed his forehead, then his cheeks, then his nose, then his lips, down to his chin, his neck and Adam’s apple, then his hickey covered collarbones. He followed by kissing his chest, down his tummy, and his hips. He kissed the bones that jutted out and sucked hickeys into the skin beside it, where his hips met his bum. The wet flesh felt cool with the air conditioner on in the background. They probably should’ve started the fireplace earlier, but it was too late now. Dan watched in awe, in love with the boy kissing him so much.

Dan glimpsed as Phil’s head was in between his thighs again. His lips were touching lower, lower and lower until fuck. Dan realized Phil was going to rim him.

He audibly moaned, allowing Phil to lift his hips up so his thighs rested on his shoulders. Dan let his whole body relax, and he sweetly pushed back Phil’s hair so it was out of the way. Phil glanced up, beaming. Dan smiled and chuckled a little. 

Phil’s hot breath teased Dan’s entrance, making him shudder. And once Phil flattened his tongue against it, fuck. 

“Mmmnh-mmmnh-“ Dan whined and lifted his back up from the sofa, fumbling and tugging lightly at the strands of hair. He gasped at each kitten lick, needing desperately to touch himself, but he ignored it for Phil’s sake. Phil wanted to make him feel good, so he’d allow him to. 

Phil pressed his tongue forcefully against his hole, earning a pleasing reaction from Dan, soft whimpers up into the air as his head tilted back against the edge of the couch. Phil rubbed his hip soothingly to get his body limp, but he nearly jumped at the feeling and thought of Phil potentially entering him in some way, groaning loud, “Ah, fuck...d-don’t stop.”

He nipped and sucked at the skin, Dan using every ounce of self-control is his bones to hold back his orgasm. He curled his toes inward and felt the sensations run through his entire body. It felt indescribably good, better than sunshine on his face in the summer, better than the exhilaration of a concert, better than the feelings he felt when he’d finally moved out. The person he loved was giving him all of this attention, and he was basking in it. Spreading his legs out more, he rutted weakly into his tongue, running his trembling fingers through the hair on the nape of Phil’s neck. 

“Close, love?” Phil held back momentarily to ask. 

Dan nodded with his face scrunched up, “Been holding it back. Don’t think I can anymore.”

“Don’t hold back, sweetheart,” Phil kissed gently at his cock. Dan thought he was going to fucking pass out. This was all of his smutty daydreams come to life.

Dan shuddered as Phil continued pleasuring and praising him. The praise was music to his ears.

“You’re so gorgeous, Dan, even here,” Phil kissed the insides of his thighs, “Exquisite. Glorious. Such a beautiful body.”

Dan moaned loudly, tilting his head back and digging his nails into the couch cushions. Unable to take it anymore, he spoke. 

“May I touch myself?” Dan requested submissively. 

Phil sat up, making an awkward face as he said, “Um, of course. You don’t have to ask. It’s your own body.”

Dan blushed, “Maybe I like it when you’re in control a bit.”

Phil chuckled, still finding it a little weird. “Well, you may.”

Dan sighed of relief, drawing his attention to his neglected cock. He tugged a few times, and fuck, he was cumming onto his stomach and chest. 

“Uh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck,” he rambled as he came, arching his back and jerking himself off. He opened his eyes after, nearly hyperventilating as he looked up at Phil.

“You’re so beautiful like that,” Phil grinned down at him, leaning down kissing his forehead. He waited patiently, soothing him until he had calmed down. “Let me get you a towel and some clean clothes.”

“Wait...what...what about you?” Dan asked through heavy breaths. 

“I’m okay, I just kind of want to put the decorations up then cuddle by the fireplace and watch a Christmas movie,” Phil answered. 

“Okay,” Dan agreed with a smile, “We can continue this later...hopefully. 

“Yeah. Let me go get the stuff for you,” Phil put his sweater back on and got up to get a towel and clothes for Dan. He returned with a fluffy blue towel, an oversized cozy sweater, boxers and some comfortable lounge around pants. 

Dan accepted the towel and wiped up his stomach and chest, then walked off to place the towel in the wash. Phil watched him walk around on long, lanky legs, still stark naked. 

“What? Checking me out?” Dan asked, giggling. 

“Yeah,” Phil admitted, smiling at him. “You look pretty with those love bites. Plus, I didn’t really get to see your bum with you laying on the couch.”

“Well, it’s happy to introduce itself, and feel free to touch it anytime,” Dan made his way back to the couch, sitting down and pulling the boxers over his legs. He was giggly and smiley, gazing at Phil like he was the sun and he was stuck in an orbit of fuzzy feelings. 

Phil just laughed, “Okay.”

“I’m a little disappointed I didn’t get to bask in as much of your naked beauty as you did with me,” Dan conceded. 

“You will sometime,” Phil assured him. Dan pulled up the joggers, then the jumper over his head. He nodded.

“I’ll be counting down the days,” Dan teased.

Phil smiled at his lap, “I’ll go get the decorations now, can you work the fireplace?”

“Um...no. Sorry. Don’t know how. I can work the TV, to put on a Christmas film,” Dan said. 

“You...don’t know how to work the fireplace?” Phil asked. 

“No. You’d think since I used to be home alone so often I’d be able to do a lot by myself, turns out I can’t,” Dan said with a little bit of sadness in his voice. 

“That’s okay, I can always teach you,” Phil assured him.

“I’d like that a lot. Consider me signed up for Mr. Lester’s ‘how to be an adult’ class,” Dan joked, sitting back on the sofa. 

“Okay,” Phil chuckled, “Find a Christmas movie, then I’ll be back with the bins of decorations.”

Dan held the remote in front of the TV, choosing to play Home Alone that was on some station. He folded his clothes and put them on his coffee table, for now, humming happily.

In all honesty, Dan was giddy right now. They’d just shared their first actual sexual experience, and it went wonderfully. He’d want to post nudes on his blog soon to show off that he was Phil Lester’s. People would ask where they came from, and maybe find it unfair since he didn’t do hookups anymore, but he wouldn’t care. Everyone needed to know that he was taken. 

He was thrilled for the future, thrilled to see how much more their relationship would bloom, and most importantly: he couldn’t wait to go to Manchester with Phil.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys on here! sorry i don't check ao3 nearly as often as i do with wattpad just bc it doesn't have an app. i need to be better about checking on here since i know some people can't use wattpad. i even noticed i messed up an important chapter transition. sorry :P
> 
> make sure you have me on ig for updates! - floof

“Okay, I’ve got the decorations,” Phil said, carrying a huge bin into the room. Dan helped him place it not very softly on the ground, then remove the lid, which was barely keeping anything in.

“Holy shit,” Dan kneeled to look at all of the decorations inside. There were tinsel and garland overflowing, a box of fairy lights, and many other decorations wrapped in bubble wrap to prevent them from breaking.

“I have another that’s just ornaments,” Phil heaved, out of breath from the heavy weight of the box. He pushed his fringe back. “I’ll go get it, and my tree.”

“Okay, I’ll help,” Dan got up and followed him to one of his apartment closets. Phil handed him the box of ornaments and they carried them out to the living room.

“You’re really passionate about Christmas, huh?” Dan said once he set the box down, smiling and walking up to him. He placed his arms over his shoulders, looking up into his eyes. 

“Yeah, and what?” Phil chuckled, agreeing to hold him by placing his hands where his back dimples were.

“Nothing, you’re just cute with all your decorations and shit,” Dan beamed, playing with the collar of Phil’s sweater. 

“So I’m not cute when I’m not festive?” Phil teased. 

“You’re always cute,” Dan kissed his nose, “Always.”

“Somebody’s happy right now,” Phil smiled. 

“Yeah, because you helped me to orgasm, duh. I’m like a Sim that’s feeling flirty. I have rose colored glasses on. My heart is swelling,” Dan professed. 

“How poetic,” Phil hugged him, burying his face in the crook of his neck. “What’d you put on TV, bear?”

Dan’s heart always felt funny, in a good way, every time Phil called him bear. The word caused his stomach to flutter with butterflies. Its significance was rewritten, he used to dread it because that’s what his family called him, but with Phil, it had new meaning. 

“Home Alone,” Dan answered. “I couldn’t find anything else really.”

Phil nodded, still holding him and rocking back and forth. Dan giggled, going along with him.

“I really like it when you call me bear,” Dan whispered.

“Yeah?” Phil answered. “Is that what most of your family calls you?”

“Mhmm, but I prefer it much more when you say it,” Dan told him. 

“Speaking of bear, I think I have a Christmas teddy bear in that bin. Want to look for him while I get the fireplace going?” Phil asked, gesturing over to the box of decorations. 

“Please. I’m getting cold,” Dan shivered dramatically, reluctantly pulling away from him. 

Kneeling over the box, he gently took out the decorations and placed them on the ground or on the coffee table, inspecting each one carefully. He looked back to see Phil doing god knows what with the fireplace to get it started, his sleeves rolled up and his tongue slightly sticking out of the side of his mouth. Dan smiled fondly and went back to finding the bear. 

Once he found the bear, he held it up, it was a bit old and fragile, and it had a long Santa hat on it. There was a bit of stuffing sticking out of its neck, but it was cute. 

“That was my grandma’s,” Phil explained, stepping back from the newly created fire. He left to wash ash off of his hands, then came back to see Dan placing the bear by the TV. 

“It looks good there,” Phil complimented. “See anything else from my grandma in the bin?”

“Maybe these?” Dan held up some faded Christmas cards. 

“Yeah, those are from her, I like to put those up to remember her,” Phil sat down beside the bin. 

“Is this the psychic one?” Dan asked, handing him the cards. He watched Phil sigh as he opened them and read the pen ink. 

“Yes,” Phil replied, setting the cards down. He got out his reindeer shaped candle holders and the tinsel, adorning the fireplace mantle. Phil adjusted them perfectly, then got the candles he’d bought from his shopping bag and set them inside the candle holders.

“We should light those,” Dan said, “What are the scents?”

“Vanilla and gingerbread,” Phil placed a large candle in the middle. 

“Mmm,” hummed Dan. He peeked around the house to find a lighter, then handed it to him. 

“Thanks,” Phil lit each candle, the soft scents filling the Christmassy aura of the room. He swirled back around to see Dan smiling, which made him smile too. 

“It’s good to see you happy,” Phil said, touching his cheeks. He kissed his forehead, then grabbed some fairy lights to hang up on the wall. Dan blushed and chuckled, his cheeks warm and tingly. There were already hooks up, so he reached up tall to put the lights on the hooks, and Dan plugged them in. 

After an hour of decorating, they had finished the one bin and were ready for the Christmas tree. The movie had ended and now Elf was on. 

Dan helped Phil set up the tree, flattening out its branches so they stuck out nicely. He plugged it in for the lights to come on.

“Why does it have multiple buttons?” Dan asked, looking at the plastic bit on the cord with numerous things to press.

“Click it three times and see what happens,” Phil said, watching Dan do so. 

“Rave tree!” Dan exclaimed, his eyes bright like he had just discovered the eighth world wonder. The lights on the tree began to flicker on and off like in a rave. He ran across the room to flick off the lights, “Rave time, rave time, rave time. Rave time, rave time, rave time.”

Phil giggled and watched Dan dance around as the lights flashed all over the room. “Be careful!”

“Don’t step on the glass, don’t step on the glass,” Dan sang as they danced around like idiots, “Tinsel in your foot, bauble in your foot. Bauble in your eye-“

“Ffffffish!” Phil shouted as a loud banging sound arose. Dan stopped, quickly flicking on the light. 

“What’s wrong? Phil, are you okay?” Dan asked, watching him it on the couch and grab his socked toes.

“Yeah, just hit my foot against the wall,” Phil chuckled.

“Oh my god, are you sure you’re alright? Do you want me to call someone?” Dan sat down beside him, examining.

“Baby, it’s fine, just me being clumsy,” Phil assured him, “We can put up the ornaments now.”

“Okay,” Dan said, helping him back onto the floor, trying to find a star in the ornament bin. 

“No star?” Dan asked, the box being empty. 

“Oh right, mine broke at the end of last year,” Phil said, taking out the bag of hooks, “We’ll have to go buy a new one tomorrow.”

“Okay, and decorations for my flat. I don’t have anything but a reindeer stuffed animal,” Dan said, delicately picking a gold and sparkly ornament out. 

“Preposterous,” Phil joked, placing a silver star ornament on a branch. 

“How about I make us a shopping list?” Dan asked.

“That’s a great idea,” Phil said, adjusting a branch. 

Dan pulled out his phone to see some Tumblr notifications, reading them quickly before raising any suspicion. They were mostly just asks filled with compliments, flirts or sexts, phone numbers, anything. He received the weirdest things sometimes. 

It wasn’t like he could call the weirder people perverts, he ran a porn blog. But some of the people were creepier than others, and Dan bit his lip thinking about how jealous Phil would be if they knew about all of the nasty things he got in his inbox. 

Some of them were lighthearted, simple, flirty compliments where he would just thank them and not let the interaction escalate. But some he received made his stomach churn. It had taken him a while to get used to the degrading and objectifying, and don’t get him wrong, there was still a whole world of kinks he wanted to explore, but some of his followers, to put it simply, were fucked up. He sat down on the couch, deciding to answer some quick asks. 

Anonymous asked: Beautiful boy  
camboydan: thankyou ^_^

Anonymous asked: I’d love to see you sometime xxx  
camboydan: thanks, but i’m not doing hookups anymore :(

Anonymous asked: I just ordered you something, hope you enjoy it <3  
camboydan: thank you, i appreciate it <3 

Anonymous asked: you should dress up like a cat and post photos  
camboydan: okay, i will ^_^ meowrrr :3

Anonymous asked: how emo are you ?  
camboydan: i <3 mcr

Anonymous asked: How come u have never collabed with another pornstar  
camboydan: i’ve been busy with other things….<3

“What are you looking at?” Phil asked curiously, making Dan nearly jump. He quickly closed out of Tumblr.

“Uh, emails,” he lied, opening up his Gmail. Just a bunch of emails from Tesco really, and one from Alex at Gay UK.

-

Subject: December Issue (again)

To: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

From: alexjo@gayukmag.com

Dan,

Thank you so much for coming to our photoshoot the other day. We really enjoyed working with you, and our magazine editors were really impressed by the content you gave us. And no, I don’t say that to everyone. 

You have some real talent, Dan, and we can’t wait to see how much you grow. We’d like to ask you to film professionally with us - on your own is fine, I remember what you said at the shoot about seeing someone - just to see how you do with an HD quality camera in front of you.

Let me know whenever you are free to shoot and I’ll try my best to make it work. Also, you should receive the payment from your photos in PayPal very soon - this does not include royalties from the magazine when it is released, but you should get those soon though!

Alex

-

Dan smiled to himself, making sure to keep it subtle from Phil. He made a mental note to email back soon, then looked for an email from PayPal.

-

Subject: You have received money from PayPal

To: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

From: service@paypal.com

Hello Dan Howell,

You have received a money transfer from Alex Jones. 

€2400 has been transferred to your account. 

Your current total is €2800.

Sincerely,  
PayPal

-

Holy fucking shit, Dan thought, sitting up straighter. He went into the PayPal app to double check, and yep, he had received twenty-four hundred pounds. Dan’s eyes were almost bulging out of his skull, and he couldn’t help but audibly gasp. 

“What’s happened?” Phil asked. Dan forgot he was in the room for a second. 

“My...Pay...I mean, bank account, I-I must’ve gotten a raise, or won something, it has like, almost three thousand pounds in it,” Dan stammered.

“Really?” Phil walked over. Dan showed him his account on his phone. 

“That’s so exciting, Dan! You’ve earned that all by yourself, without your parents’ help?” Phil asked. 

“Yeah...yeah, I have. I’ve been saving up for a long time,” he partially lied. 

“That’s great!” Phil exclaimed, “I’m so happy for you!”

Dan beamed as Phil bent down to kiss his cheek. “I’m proud of you, too,” Phil whispered into his ear then kissed the side of his head. “You’re so amazing, Dan.”

“Last time I checked, it was AmazingPhil,” Dan looked up at him. Phil ruffled his hair. 

“Whatever. What about IncredibleDan? Or FantasticDan? Or…” Phil suggested cheekily. 

“Cheesy,” Dan looked up at him, rolling his eyes. 

“My middle name,” Phil said. 

“What is it really?” Dan inquired curiously.

“Michael. Philip Michael Lester,” Phil informed him. “And yours?”

“James. Daniel James Howell,” Dan said. “If you call me James, I’m punching you.”

“Okay, okay, jeez,” Phil sat down on the couch, accepting as Dan put his legs over his lap. 

“I want to name my future daughter Jamie though. Or have her middle name be Jamie, I feel like that would be a cool reference,” Dan said. 

“You want kids?” Phil asked, stroking his pajama covered legs. 

“Yeah. Do you?” Dan answered and asked. 

“Mhm,” Phil said, “I’m scared to be a dad, but I want to be one, so I have someone to have my things after I die, and to guide someone through life seems nice.”

“Can you imagine being a dad with me?”

Phil went quiet, making Dan worry. The crackling fire filled the silence in the room. After a few moments of quiet, he answered, “Y-Yes. I mean, it’s still really early, but yes, I can see myself having a successful future with you.”

Dan sat up, scooting closer to him. “So can I.”

“Yeah?” Phil inquired, looking up at him. 

“Yeah,” Dan grinned. “I can.”

“Want to take a break from decorating and just cuddle?” Phil asked.

“Mhm,” Dan said with a bit of a giggle. 

“Okay, just a second,” Phil got up to turn the main light off. The candles still burned as well as the fireplace, and there were the fairy lights up high on the walls, illuminating the room. Dan watched Phil sit down through the dim light. He opened his arms out for Dan, who happily crawled into his lap.

He pulled out his phone, quickly swiping away notifications from Tumblr and then making a shopping list. 

star for phil’s tree  
more gifts for family  
decorations for my flat  
phil’s gifts

“Don’t spoil me too much,” Phil whispered, making Dan smile.

Dan looked up at him, “Oh, but I will. You’ll get so many cheesy presents right in front of your parents at Christmas.”

“And so will you,” Phil tapped his nose. 

“You better not make me blush in front of them,” Dan playfully threatened. 

“Oops, too bad I planned on it,” Phil pecked his cheek. 

Dan sarcastically huffed, snuggling in closer to him, “You’re a dork.”

“Wow, a reasonable insult for once,” Phil teased.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked, his cheek pressed into Phil’s shirt.

“You’ve called me spork, dingus, rat, white crayon…” Phil answered, “I mean, it’s cute, just...different.”

Dan settled closer into Phil’s lap, allowing his legs to relax and lay over the end of the couch, “Well, I hope I’m different. I don’t want to be anything like people you’ve been with before if it didn’t work out and prevented us from being together.”

“Yeah. Char-“ Phil started, then stopped himself. “Never mind. I don’t want to think of any of my exes right now, I want to think about you, which, you’d think I’d be sick of since I think about you constantly, but I have yet to be tired of you.”

Dan peeked up curiously again.

“You continue to amaze me every day,” Phil said, “Every day I just discover more things I love about you. Little or big. But the little things I’m especially fond of.”

“Like my rosy patch?” Dan asked, adjusting his head to be on Phil’s shoulder. 

“Exactly, like when I showed you the rave tree feature, your eyes lit up brightly, brighter than any Christmas tree light ever could. Or when you’re upset, you pout a little, and when I make a bad pun, you scrunch up your nose and fake gag a little,” Phil complimented, “Your funny, sarcastic insults...just everything about you I love.”

Dan fakely gagged until he saw Phil look sad for a moment, “No, no! B-babe, I’m kidding!”

“You scared me half to death,” Phil admitted, smiling and rolling his eyes.

“I’m kidding, you know that…” Dan didn’t know why saying three little words seemed hard to say sometimes. Maybe it was because he was still lying to Phil - not lying about loving him, but lying to him about something so important in his life. He cleared his throat, “Mm...you know that I love you.”

“Yeah?” Phil said softly. There was no one else in the room but Phil whispered it like he especially wanted only Dan to hear. “I love you too, you know.”

“Yeah?” Dan said just as gingerly back, sitting up. He stretched a little, then placed a long kiss on Phil’s cheek.

They stayed just cuddling and talking as they admired the decorations for a few hours. Once it got late, Dan picked up his stuff and got ready to leave.

“I’d better go, it’s getting late,” Dan said.

“Oh...okay. You can spend the night if you want,” Phil offered, following him to the door. 

“No...that’s okay, Phil. I’ll plan on seeing you tomorrow?” Dan asked as he collected his coat. 

“Yeah,” Phil said and kissed his cheek, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Dan giggled and left Phil’s flat. 

Dan got home and put his clothes in the wash, deciding to shower. Once he took off the clothes Phil gave him, he looked in the mirror at all of the hickeys that covered his body, a trail down his front that spread out over his thighs. He turned around to see the ones under his bum, chuckling slightly. 

He grabbed his phone from off of the counter and took pictures, some for his blog, some for Phil maybe. He posed to show off his marked thighs, waiting for the camera to countdown and take a burst of photos. Dan chose a good photo he took to send to Phil, lucky that he didn’t have to worry about filters or putting the photo into Facetune or anything like that, because it was just Phil, and with him, he could be completely natural. It wouldn’t make sense to edit it anyway since Phil had seen his whole nude body in person now.

Dan: admiring my marks from you x

He hopped in the shower, smiling at himself after that cheeky text. Humming along to music in his head, he raked his fingers through his hair under the water. His phone dinged, so he hurried to finish up his shower. Dan gently dried his hair with a towel, barely drying off his body. He dripped across the floor to reach his phone on the counter. 

Phil: Fuck  
Phil: The things you do to me

Dan: and what is it that i do to you?

Dan watched his curls bunch up in the mirror, deciding to take more selfies. He held up his phone, placing his hand on his curls to ruffle them up, and made a serious face. The photo captured his chest, collarbones and shoulders still dripping with water, his hickeys on full display, and his curls had some water droplets on them as well. He dared to send it, watching the blue bar underneath the name “phil<3” fill up. 

He hoped he wasn’t being too much, and that his flirtiness was appropriate as just a continuation from earlier and didn’t seem out of the blue. Maybe he was a narcissist for taking more pictures of himself, but he took more, some where he was biting his lip, playing with his hair more, winking or sticking his tongue out. He could possibly use some of these for his blog. 

Dan wrapped a towel around his waist and made his way to bed, scrolling through some of the photos he took and deciding which ones he’d edit. In the middle of putting one into Facetune, he got a notification from Phil saying “This” and a photo. He tapped on it and gasped. 

The picture was very clearly what he’d been wondering about earlier, an obvious bulge in Phil’s black skinny jeans with the hem of his sweater pulled up slightly to show hair. Dan’s mouth was gaping. Why didn’t Phil allow him to give back earlier today after giving him one of the best orgasms of his life? Dan had wanted to return the favor. He had so many things he could reply with. Dan responded with:

Dan: o m g  
Dan: there’s so many things i could reply with

Phil: Tell me all of them baby

Dan: they’re pretty...graphic lol

Phil: Dan  
Phil: We’re sexting  
Phil: That’s the point ^_^

Dan chuckled from how insecure he was being. Sexting was one of his strong skills. It shouldn’t be any different with Phil. 

Dan: well  
Dan: when i saw that i gasped   
Dan: and i started thinking about where i want it

He chewed his lip, looking down to see the beautiful hickeys on the insides of his thighs. He ran his fingers over them, feeling the tender skin.

Phil: Like where baby

Dan hesitated for a moment, pausing his fingertips on his legs. He thought about what he should say, and decided to be honest. His honesty would be sexy, right?

Dan: tbh  
Dan: inside me

It felt like hours while Dan waited for his response when really it had probably only been a minute. He was shaking with nerves and arousal, they had only gotten this flirty once before.

Phil: Fuck Dan  
Phil: I’d like that too

Dan: yeah?

Phil: Yeah  
Phil: Your curls are sooo cute btw

Dan: thankyou :3  
Dan: i’m too horny to be embarrassed rn but tbh i don’t like them much  
Dan: want more pics? ;)

Phil: Please

Dan easily complied, sending the ones of him with his tongue out and winking. While he waited, he stared at the picture Phil sent, licking his lips. 

Phil: You’re so hot  
Phil: Can I tell you something

Dan: yeah ^.^

Phil: I’m imagining that tongue

Dan: where x

Phil: On my cock

Fuuuck. Dan imagined it too, wanting to taste him so badly. He’d happily get on his knees for Phil any day. He would love it, giving him sultry bedroom eyes as he took him down his throat. For a second, Dan rolled his eyes at himself for being such a slut, but he continued texting Phil anyway.

Dan: i’d love to have it there ;)  
Dan: can i tell /you/ something

Phil: Yeah

Dan: i’m imagining deepthroating you  
Dan: i love it  
Dan: i think i have oral fixation

Phil: I’d love that too  
Phil: What would you do if you were here with me

Dan thought about what to answer. He’d want to do so much, so many things he didn’t have enough hands or parts for. 

Dan: grind down into your lap and whine in your ear probably  
Dan: telling you how hot you are and how badly i need you

He totally would. He remembered how much Phil had liked his noises earlier today, so he’d probably run his fingers through Phil’s hair as he ground his hips into his lap, whimpering and whispering how much he wanted it actually inside of him. 

Phil: You know how much I love your noise

Dan: how big are you

Phil: Nine

Phil made it sound so simple, but that made Dan moan audibly. Fuck, this was spurring him on too. He didn’t know Phil could be any more attractive than he already was. God, Dan sounded like such a size queen.

Dan: :o  
Dan: okay so do you remember when you saw my sex toy that one time

Phil: Yeah lol

Dan: well i guess now is a good time to tell you i have a lot more than that  
Dan: and i must say  
Dan: i don’t even think i have one that big  
Dan: which makes me want you so much more

Phil: I’d love to be your first ;)

Dan needed to be doing something to himself, like, yesterday. He placed his phone down on his bed, then shuffled over to his nightstand drawer to grab lubricant, pouring some on his left hand and capping it after a few tries. He set the bottle down on his nightstand, then aligned his lubed up fingers to his entrance. His dry hand snatched up his phone. 

Dan: wwhat if i toldyou i was using my right hand to text bow  
Dan: now

Phil: Fuck  
Phil: Where’s your other hand, gorgeous?

It took a while for Dan to complete his text, as he was using his non-dominant thumb and he was in the midst of teasing himself, but he managed. 

Dan: about to finger myself while thinking about you ofc

Dan bit down on his lip as he rubbed in circles with the pads of his fingers, leaned back into the bed comfortably. He pressed gently, then slowly submerged his index finger inside. 

Phil: Can I see x

Dan: yeah just a sec, in a bit of an awk position

Dan laid down completely, bending his knees and holding his thighs up to get a good view. He held up his phone with his long arm to attempt to take a good photo, working himself up to two fingers. Curling the two, he snapped photos as he moaned, his mouth dropped open as they touched the perfect spot. The photos were extremely pornographic, and after this, he was definitely posting them on his private website for some good money. For now, these were exclusive to Phil’s eyes. He gently thrusted his wet fingers, biting his lip as he shakily chose ones to send to Phil. 

Dan: feels so good i just wish it was you

“Mmmmph-“ he stretched his fingers and made room for a third, careful about the tender bites on the skin surrounding. Dan let his mind wander, throwing his head back against his pillow. He didn’t even notice until after a few minutes that Phil had texted. 

Phil: Fuck.  
Phil: You look so fuckable  
Phil: You’re so good at taking pictures of yourself like that

If only he knew how much practice Dan had. Dan continued using his three fingers, and it took many tries to text without any errors. 

Dan: what if i sent you a video

Dan didn’t even know if he was ready to film a video specifically for Phil. He didn’t even know what had urged him to text him that. But it was on the table, so now he had to. 

Phil: Omg  
Phil: Only if you’re comfortable

Dan: i am, for you x

He sat up and removed his fingers, wiping them off on the towel. He set up on his bed like he would for a normal video, a very unprofessional stack of pillows with his phone on top. Dan couldn’t wait to try the professional shoot Alex offered him, but he really needed his own camera. Maybe that was something he could buy himself for Christmas. 

Dan pressed record on his phone and laid back in bed, facing his phone. He bent his knees and lifted his calves up, making sure he was on full display. Against the pillow, the camera could still see his face, which was good for Phil. There was nothing to be scared of. It was just Phil, who he loved and admired so much, and Phil would be okay with him being natural and unedited.

He slowly brought his fingers back to his hole, rubbing in taunting circles again. He traced once more then submerged his two fingers with a low groan. This was nice, it was new but reassuring, it was Phil who he was performing for, not a fairly large audience where he had to worry about being performative enough to please them. He wanted to be attractive to Phil, but he knew that Phil would find him hot either way. 

Closing his eyes, he curled them, twitching and gasping slightly. He imagined Phil watching the video when he was done, and used that motivation to help him get closer to the edge. 

He couldn’t find the energy to grab the lube again, so he did what made him cringe because he remembered doing it before he knew about discreet shipping; he licked his right palm. One hand was now jacking himself off while the other pumped his fingers inside himself. 

Dan thought about what him and Phil’s first time would be like, temporarily not paying attention to the awkwardness and giggles that would occur, but all of the attractive parts instead. Phil’s talented hands and mouth all over him again, and not to mention being filled up by something that was finally real after so long...

He bit his bottom lip and arched his back as the warmth of arousal in his stomach grew. As he went on, he imagined more details about their first time and how perfect it would be and how the wait would be so worth it. Seething and curling his toes, he sped up, and it wasn’t too long before he was rambling curses. 

“Shit...mmmm, fuck-“ he heaved, making sure he was directly hitting his prostate now. “Fuck, fuck, please…”

Dan desperately squirmed as he tugged and fingered, his mewls becoming breathy and high pitched. His voice cracked, and his curls bounced slightly. 

“Agh,” Dan moaned, then he was finally cumming. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck!”

It was a beautiful sight for the camera, his thighs littered with hickeys spread out as pink dusted his cheeks, chest and lower tummy. White ribbons streaked across his hand, and his leg slightly twitched as he came down from his high. Sharp inhales and weighted exhales left his mouth as he laid there, allowing his body to relax instead of being in that uncomfortable position. He sighed, wiping himself off with the towel and lazily getting up to turn off his recording. 

He turned off the video to send to Phil, then cropped it to the part where he orgasmed and sent it with:

Dan: i was thinking about you the whole time xxx

A few minutes later, Phil responded. 

Phil: Fuck Dan  
Phil: Best orgasm of my life  
Phil: You could be a pornstar

If only he knew. If only he fucking knew.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy !!

After Dan and Phil’s sexting session, they had said goodnight and gone to sleep. Well, Phil probably had. Dan, however, was restless. 

He kept thinking about Phil’s text, “you could be a pornstar.” He technically was, or was on the rise to becoming one. Dan almost told Phil, emphasis on the almost, but he couldn’t get himself to do it. He even tried sending “i am,” but quickly got insecure and followed it up with “for you.” Hopefully, Phil just passed over it, thinking it as some sort of metaphor.

Dan laid in bed, his covers pulled up high since he was still naked underneath them. He stared off into the darkness, overthinking about everything and anything. He still hadn’t looked up anything about universities, or even gone to the law firm he was “supposed” to be working at in the future, and he wouldn’t be surprised if his parents called soon.

Dan also still hadn’t replied to Alex’s email about the professional shoot with the magazine, either. He was looking forward to that, but he needed to find a time where he could tell Phil he was working. The magazine issue was releasing soonish, meaning he had to be sure Phil wasn’t over when it arrived, because there would be no way to cover himself up if he saw Dan in it. Then, there was the fact he needed to decide what he was going to do about his blog during Christmas with the Lesters. 

Dan had presents to buy, he knew he needed more than a cheap picture frame for his mum, an entertaining gift for his brother, and he had no idea what to get his dad or his grandma or his uncle. He hadn’t seen them in what felt like so long, and he couldn’t remember what he got them all last year. But that was one of the sacrifices he’d made moving away. 

Then there was Phil, which he needed a really gushy, original present for, one that was from the heart and not something stereotypical and lame. And fuck, he remembered the Lesters, and how he needed to impress them with good gifts, too. He really shouldn’t have shopped for himself earlier that day.

There was so much clogging up his mind that he was tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable position to sleep in. He grumbled and turned on his back to look up at the ceiling, hugging a pillow against his chest. 

Guilt crept into his mind like it usually did right before he slept. He’d been covering his true passion from Phil for weeks now, white lies about when he was “working” and why he was cautious about what was on his phone. Phil was going to find out one day, but Dan tried to be hopeful for once, hopeful of that tiny little sliver of a chance that he would never find out, and they could be living their happy lives together while Dan kept his secret secure. Or maybe Phil could just know without Dan having to awkwardly tell him, no questions asked. It was highly unlikely, but there was a chance. 

He wasn’t even sure if Phil would be able to continue to love him.

Phil had wanted Dan to be only his to hear, he was a jealous after the incident on the train, fuck, he was probably possessive. Which Dan loved and had been craving for a while now, but that was most definitely not going to work out correctly since Phil was definitely not the only one Dan exposed himself to. 

Phil could end up being mad at him, hating him even - they might argue, and fuck would that hurt. Dan had gone through enough arguing while living at home, and he most definitely did not want to go through that again. It’d hurt even worse yelling at someone who he actually cared about their feelings. The risk was too great. Dan wasn’t telling him, ever. Plain and simple.

Dan sighed and closed his eyes, trying to get them to feel heavy. But he was awake as ever, his brain whirring with thought after thought, a plague of negativity and self deprecation. He should be tired, he had shopped and walked around a lot for hours today, he’d orgasmed twice, and he barely got any sleep the night before. That should have been be enough to spark up the melatonin hormone in his system, but it wasn’t working now.

Fuck it. He took his phone off his nightstand and unplugged it, then rolled over onto his side and opened up Tumblr. He read through the notes on his posts, deciding to put some of the photos of himself he took earlier into Facetune. Dan chose the ones with his curls where his tongue was sticking out and he was winking, touching up some places of his skin. He added filters, then posted the two with some song lyrics and the water droplets emoji.

Dan was taking a risk posting his full face, but he hadn’t done so in a while, and it was late at night, so hopefully it would slide. A few minutes later, he received some asks. 

Anonymous asked: you are SO gorgeous holy shit  
camboydan answered: thank u ^_^

Anonymous asked: Have you/would you ever try lingerie  
camboydan answered: maybe if someone ordered some for me i would try it

Anonymous asked: where’d you get those hickeys from ? :P  
camboydan answered: a boy <3

Anonymous asked: how many times a day do you get off  
camboydan answered: like 2+

Anonymous asked: Should I get the Gay UK december mag  
camboydan answered: yes bc i’m in it <3

Anonymous asked: favorite mcr song  
camboydan answered: lady of sorrows and you know what they do to guys like us in prison have a place in my heart

Anonymous asked: does it offend you when people call you emo twink  
camboydan answered: nope ^.^ it’s my branding sooo...rawr x3

Dan scrolled down his feed until he finally got tired, which was into the early hours of the morning. His eyes finally felt heavy, so he grabbed a pillow and cuddled it until he fell asleep.

He woke up late, groaning and blinking through the bright sunlight of his window. His phone was on the mattress right beside his head, lit up with a notification from Phil.

Phil: What time do you want to go shopping today?

Dan rubbed his eyes, then picked up his phone to reply. 

Dan: asap, i’ll get ready right now. forgot i needed more gifts for my family and such

Phil: Okay love <3

He slowly got out of bed, continuing to rub at his sleepy eyes. Stretching and yawning, he stood up from his bed and made his way to his bathroom. The mirror showed the reflection of how tired he actually felt. Bags under his eyes, his hair all messy, his posture bad. It had been a while since his thoughts kept him up and he’d gotten shitty sleep like this. Whatever. He’d just chug a coffee and hope it would wake him up enough to go get some decent gifts. Hopefully, Phil wouldn’t be too worried about how restless he looked and just leave it unnoticed while they were busy shopping. If Dan still lived with his family, he probably would’ve stolen his mum’s makeup to impress him.

He threw on a t-shirt and skinny jeans, then sat down on his counter to straighten his hair. Since he’d allowed it to bunch into curls last night after his shower, he was going to take an even longer time getting ready. As the straightener heated up, Dan texted Phil a quick PSA.

Dan: i might take long getting ready, as i have to straighten my hair :S

As he waited for Phil to reply, he parted his hair with a comb and thought - he really needed to figure out what to get Phil for Christmas. And as pathetic as it might sound, there was the possibility he would have to look up ideas on Pinterest, which Dan didn’t want to do. He wanted to come up with a cute, original idea that Phil would genuinely enjoy and cherish forever. And that might make up for his lying.

Another thing was what he was going to do with his blog while he was away in Manchester. But he could decide that later. He checked his phone when he heard a ping. 

Phil: Aww but I like your curls baby  
Phil: Why don’t you wear them sometime?

Dan: noooo >:(

Dan pieced his hair into sections and straightened them back into the emo fringe. He hummed as he worked on his hair, yawning in between the notes. His phone eventually rang, so he quickly checked to see who it was. Goddammit, it was his mum. He sighed, answering it and putting it on speakerphone. 

“‘Ello?” Dan responded, watching the steam rise from out of the flat iron. He brushed down a bit of hair and continued trying to tame his curls. 

“Hi bear,” his mum said cheerfully. “What have you been up to, dear?”

“I’m currently straightening my hair and I’m about to go shopping for Christmas gifts,” Dan replied to her, pressing the heat to his hair.

“That sounds exciting,” she answered, probably sarcastically. “Do you think you’re gonna be able to see us for Christmas?”

“No, I’m sorry, Mum,” Dan said in a fake melancholy tone. “They have me working the whole week of Christmas. I tried to get the days off but they said they needed me.”

“Isn’t Tesco closed on Christmas, Daniel?” his mum asked. Fuck.

“Uhh, not this one. London’s Tesco is different,” he lied quickly. 

“Hmm,” his mum replied. “Well, how about for New Year’s?”

“Possibly,” Dan said and finished up flattening a curl. He hoped he could come up with an excuse to skip New Year’s too. “I’ll send you guys loads of Christmas gifts, though.”

“Oh Daniel, it’s not about the gifts, dear. We just want to see you. We miss you,” she told him. Dan bit back a sigh.

“I miss you too,” he lied again.

“Anyway, have you gone to that law firm your father wanted you to check out?” she asked. 

“Um...yeah. I introduced myself to some people, and walked around a bit…” Dan began. 

“Daniel, darling, you haven’t, have you?” she scolded. 

“No, Mum. I’m sorry,” he confessed as he turned off the straightener to apply gel to his hair. 

“You know your father would be very upset with you,” she said. 

“I know,” he answered. “I’ve looked into universities though,” Dan replied. Again. A lie. 

“Ooh! Like where?” she inquired. 

“University of Manchester,” he said. He really hadn’t looked into it at all, but he thought if one day him and Phil had to escape to Manchester, he could lie and say he was going to college there just to get them to stop pestering him.

“Oh Daniel, but that’s so far from here!” his mum exclaimed.

“I know, but I’d still try and visit on holidays,” he answered. “It’s a good uni according to what I’ve read.”

“Okay, whatever you say,” she said. “Well, I’m going to go, bear. I hope to see you for New Year’s.”

“You too, Mum,” Dan answered and raked his fingers through his hair with the gel. 

“Goodbye, son. Love you,” his mum said. 

“You too. Bye.”

Dan tapped the end call button and sighed. Lying was getting very old, and the more he told the lies, the guiltier he’d felt. He was lying to the only people in his life, the ones he cared about. But in a way, it was all with good intentions. To protect himself, and to keep his relationships. 

Talking to his family was hard. It was hard to be honest with them, it was hard to be himself around them, it was even hard to get along with them sometimes. For some reason, he couldn’t even say ‘I love you’ to his own mum. He couldn’t remember the last time he had said it, and that guilt fucking hurt. He wished the percentage of himself he could be around his family was bigger, but it was pitiful compared how much he felt he could be himself around Phil, and even Phil didn’t even know everything about him.

Dan combed through his hair, then left his bathroom without picking anything up. He’d have to clean it when he got back home. He texted Phil to meet him at a shop, then grabbed his coat and headed out the door - forgetting about making coffee. 

It had to have been colder that day. The wind caused goosebumps to trickle over his skin despite wearing the new coat Phil bought him. He should probably invest in a hat and scarf too, as his ears quickly got cold and his neck was uncomfortably pricked by the cool wind in the air. It would probably start snowing soon. That fuzzy hat he had had been lost for a while. Dan looked up at the cloudy, grey sky and trudged along to the shop where he was meeting Phil.

He stepped inside, smelling the faint scent of a minty candle and feeling the warm air cover his cheeks. Seeing a counter with candles on it, he wafted some of the scents to his nose. Maybe this could be one of Phil’s gifts. He found a few festive ones that he hoped Phil would like, like cinnamon apple or Christmas cookie, then a few his mum and grandma would like, and took them to the counter to buy quickly before Phil arrived. He was just in time, too; as soon as the lady bagged the candles, Phil was walking through the door. Dan smiled as the woman filled the bag up with tissue paper. 

“Hi,” Dan grinned. 

“Hey,” Phil said eyed the bags Dan was carrying. “Couldn’t wait to shop with me, huh?”

“Yeah, sorry. I haven’t looked at anything else but what I bought…” Dan said. 

“What did you buy?” Phil asked curiously. 

“It’s a surprise,” Dan answered and carried the bag as he walked near the other side of the store. “Now, come on, we have some serious Christmas decoration buying to do. My flat is lacking.”

Dan looked at a section of decorations on a few shelves, Phil stepping behind him to view them as well. Phil picked up a polar bear ornament, gingerly holding it and taking a closer look. “This is really cute.”

“Aww, it is,” Dan said, watching it in his hands. 

“Yeah,” Phil smiled at it, then looked up at Dan’s face. “Aw, bear, you look tired. Did you sleep okay?”

“Honestly...no. After we, ahem, you know…” Dan started and bit his lip for a second, “I started to overthink. A lot. And it kept me up. It was late at night and I’d had a busy day, but it still felt like I was wide awake. I felt frickin’ zazzed, but too lazy to get up from my bed.”

“Maybe you should’ve stayed at mine, then,” Phil suggested cheekily, continuing to hold the polar bear. He ended up buying it.

The two browsed store after store in the foggy streets of London, their hands slowly filling up with bags along the way. Dan had somehow managed to balance his gift giving for himself and his family, and even sneak in a couple gifts for Phil. They bought Phil a tree star, decorations for Dan’s flat, and Dan had made sure to buy a decent amount of wrapping paper and stickers. 

After a delicious lunch, they went back to Dan’s flat to start decorating and wrapping gifts. Dan set all of his bags down on the living room floor, then opened the tubes of wrapping paper up. 

“Tell me everything you bought,” Phil said, sitting cross legged on the floor in front of Dan. 

“Well, I can’t tell you everything. Some of the gifts are for you,” Dan said and peeked through his bag of candles for the ones he’d bought for his mum and grandma. “These are for my mum and grandma…”

“Can I smell them?” Phil asked. Dan handed him the candles, and he smiled as he smelled the sweetness. 

“Then I bought some music for my dad,” he continued, taking out some vinyls he’d bought. “My brother likes running and hiking, so I got him a sports store gift card.”

Phil looked genuinely interested at all of the gifts Dan showed him, checking each one out then setting them on the carpet beside the wrapping paper. 

“I got my uncle ‘nihilist toothpaste’ and my aunt a kinda lame decorative bowl,” he said and avoided Phil’s gifts in the bags, “And that’s about it I think.”

“Okay, now let me do a haul of the gifts I purchased,” Phil said. He hid some of the bags as well. Cheeky shit. Dan watched his slender fingers remove things from the shopping bags. 

“I got my mum a cookbook, and candles for basically all the girls too,” Phil said and displayed them. 

“Still spoiling her I see?” Dan chuckled. “And you’re such a slut for candles.”

“Yeah,” Phil laughed. “And a bunch of creepy face banks for basically everyone I know. My mum, dad, brother, Cornelia-“

“Who’s Cornelia?” Dan asked, his tone coming off as a little jealous.

Phil rolled his eyes, looking into Dan’s. “My brother’s girlfriend. No need to be jealous, bear.”

“Oh. Sorry...b-babe,” Dan stuttered a little. Pet names were foreign when they were being used this way. Sure, he’d called people things in bed, but romantically was a bit different. It was fresh and new, and even though his words fumbled, he still liked saying them. Pink filled into his cheeks and Phil just chuckled sheepishly. 

“My auntie loves knitting, so I got her a book about that. And I didn’t know what to get for my grandad, so I got him this really cool tie,” he continued and held it up for Dan to see. 

“Thanks for sharing your Christmas gift haul with me,” Dan giggled.

“Thanks as well,” Phil smiled. “Okay, I’m really shit at wrapping, so you might have to help me.”

After an hour or so of wrapping gifts, they then set up Dan’s mini Christmas tree and put all of the gifts for Dan’s family underneath. Phil packed up his wrapped gifts in the bags while Dan went to go drop Phil’s gifts off in his room to keep them a surprise. Once he got back, he watched in the hallway as Phil began decorating his living room. He looked so happy and carefree. Dan smiled fondly and walked behind him. 

“Boo!” Dan spooked him.

“Dan!” Phil squeaked, jumping and turning around. “It’s Christmas, not Halloween!”

Dan just giggled. Phil sighed and calmed down, then went over to one of his bags. 

“Okay, so I know I had surprise gifts I bought, but I figured we should use one of them now,” he took some items out of it and showed him a box of packets. 

“Hot chocolate!” Dan grinned, “Perfect! Let’s make them right now.”

Dan and Phil brewed the hot chocolate and then curled up on the couch, Dan being held under Phil’s arm with his legs draped over his lap. He rested his head comfortably on his shoulder, nuzzling into his neck then kissing it. 

“Does it taste good?” Phil asked, sipping from his mug.

“Yeah, thank you. No more Christmas gifts after this,” he murmured against his skin.

“Well too bad, some of those bags have more gifts for you,” Phil tapped his nose. Dan just giggled and shook his head. 

They watched movies and TV lazily in each other’s arms, switching cuddling positions on the couch and finishing their hot drinks, placing them on Dan’s coffee table. Dan’s favorite cuddling position was where his head was laying on Phil’s chest, because he could hear his calm breathing and heartbeat. It was something grounding to focus on rather than the shit going on inside his head. 

Dan made a happy purring sound as Phil petted his head, his soft fingertips maneuvering their way through the straightened strands of brunette hair. He gently scratched the back of Dan’s head, causing him to hum and lean into the touch. His dimples carved into his smooth skin and he felt warm and fuzzy all over. He’d never been more cozy. 

Completely relaxed, Dan shut his eyes and slowly drowned out the sound of the TV. After a few minutes, he noticed that Phil’s hand had stopped moving. He peeked up to see that Phil had fallen asleep. Smiling fondly, he carefully picked his phone up from the coffee table. He slowly went to his camera and took photos of them together, then made one of the pictures his lockscreen. 

“Sweet dreams, Philly,” he murmured, leaning up to kiss his cheek. Then he too drifted off to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> e n j o y

Eventually, Dan had fallen asleep for about an hour or so. He woke up to Phil playing with his hair again, so he looked up at smiled at him.

“I still think you’re so cute when you sleep,” Phil mumbled and dragged his hand down to stroke his jaw. Dan giggled and kissed his thumb. 

With a yawn, Phil asked, “What do you want to do, hm?”

“I dunno,” Dan answered, then sat up and laid his head on his shoulder. He began rubbing his chest. “Whatever you want to do.”

“Whatever?” Phil asked, wrapping his left arm around him. “Well...if I’m being honest…”

“Yeah?” Dan murmured and nuzzled into his neck. 

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about our texts last night,” Phil told him, stroking his hip. Dan peeked up, meeting his eyes.

“You haven’t?” Dan asked, raising his eyebrow, then smirking a little. “Why don’t I pay you back then?”

What was Dan doing? He thought for a moment, was he even ready for this? Last time had been so good, but he had never done anything like that to Phil before, as much as he had wanted to. 

“Only if you want to,” Phil said, watching Dan’s eyes turn dark. 

“Of course I do. Lay down, Lester,” Dan whispered. Phil happily complied. 

With sudden confidence, Dan bent down and attached their lips, lightly sucking Phil’s bottom lip into his mouth. His hands grazed Phil’s broad chest as he tilted his head and closed his eyes while kissing him. Phil’s hands soon met Dan’s hips, gently rubbing them as Dan slowly grinded his hips down into Phil’s. He adjusted his thighs to be straddling Phil’s torso, then pushed his hips down into his again, brushing their clothed cocks against each other. 

After a few minutes of passionate grinding and kissing, Dan leaned up, sitting up straight and pushing his fringe out of his eyes. He smiled down at Phil, who was blissed out and smiling back. Dan rubbed his chest and grinded down a couple more times with his lip between his teeth, then felt determined to make Phil feel as good as he had made him feel yesterday. 

He pressed kisses down Phil’s face, then lifted up his shirt and tickled his tummy with his lips. Once he got to his belt, he took his time unbuckling, pulling it out of the loops with help from Phil lifting his hips, then dropping it onto the floor. After undoing the button, he paused for a moment, then decided - fuck it, no holding back. Dan had wanted to do this for so long, after all. 

He bit down on the zipper of Phil’s skinny jeans and tugged down with his teeth, temporarily ignoring the metallic taste that poked at his tongue. Dan used his hands to pull the jeans down and out of the way, then used his mouth again to bite down on the waistband of Phil’s boxers and tug them down as well. Dan licked his lips as his cock sprung free, waiting to look up at him until he licked up a vein on the side. 

Dan gave a sultry gaze, winking and slacking his jaw open to sink down on his length. He allowed his worries to fade - think about making him feel good. Think of all he’s done for you. Think about how much you’re infatuated with him.

Glimpsing up when he heard him groan, he thought fuck, the signs of seeing how he was affecting his partner were so, so important, and extremely attractive. Dan wanted to see him unable to hold back, pulling on his hair, biting his lip, bucking his hips up - whatever it may be, he wanted to see it in the flesh. Phil’s reactions already were turning him on, so he decided to encourage him to do more.

With a wet popping sound, he pulled away and mumbled, “Feel free to do whatever. Pull my hair, force me down, whatever.”

“Ok-kay,” Phil stuttered, watching Dan in awe as he sunk back down on his cock. 

He bobbed his head, placing one hand on Phil’s hip, and the other wrapped around the hilt. Every so often he would peek up at Phil’s reactions, moaning himself. 

“This okay?” Phil was sure to ask him, gently raking his fingers through Dan’s hair.

Dan pulled back and answered, “Are you kidding? This is amazing.”

“Well, I am AmazingPhil after all,” Phil attempted to wink but failed miserably. 

Dan laughed fondly, “I hate you.”

“You love me,” Phil told him.

“I do, but I also hate you,” Dan chuckled sat up to peck his cheek, then scooted back down to his hips. He gingerly stroked his cock a few times before stretching his pretty pink lips around him again. After, he moaned softly, having to palm himself with a little buck of his hips into the sofa cushion.

A few minutes passed and Dan was still at it, passionately bobbing his head or licking up stripes or whatever he thought Phil may like. He made sure to look up every once in a while to see his reactions. Dan grinded his hips gently into Phil’s couch as he did so. Dragging his bottom lip up the underside, Dan pulled off with a wet sound and drool leaking out of his lips, then lapped at the head with the full expanse of his talented tongue. With soft kitten licks against his slit, Dan mewled and batted his lashes at Phil.

“Fuck, Dan, I still stand by my word of thinking you could be a pornstar,” Phil mentioned, tightening his fingers through Dan’s hair. Dan just awkwardly chuckled, ignoring his comment. 

“I dunno,” Dan said dumbly.

“You really could be. But then I wouldn’t have you all to myself, would I?” Phil smiled, stroking his cheek. Dan didn’t answer, just sinking down on him once again. A weird way to change the subjects, but it worked. Once Phil’s hips started to buck, Dan went deeper. 

“Dan? You’re sure? You know I’m-“

Dan pulled off. “I know. I can swallow,” he said simply, then slacked open his jaw and sunk down as far as he could. He choked a little when his nose was tickled by the hair just at the base, but that didn’t stop him.

“Oh Dan,” Phil driveled his name, tugging his hair again and allowing his hips to thrust. He painted the back of Dan’s throat and groaned when he swallowed around him. Dan didn’t mind the taste too much. He moaned, muffled but still noisy, as he came himself, overwhelmed in pleasure just by seeing his partner do the same. Dan pulled back, sitting up and wiping his mouth. Panting, watching Phil pull his jeans back up and gaze at him like he was the most important thing in the universe.

“You want me to...do anything?” Phil asked. 

“I...I already finished,” Dan blushed, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck, “I’m going to go change real quick…”

“Okay,” Phil reached for his hand, gently tugging him close. He kissed his cheek over and over, “Thank you, baby. It was amazing.”

“You’re welcome,” Dan giggled. “I fucking love it.”

“If that could be a career…” Phil joked, trailing off. “Never mind, I just really enjoyed it and I hope you did too.”

“I did,” Dan smiled, sitting in his lap. He gave him a very open mouthed kiss, then murmured, “Be right back.”

Dan lifted up from the couch once Phil was done with his little cheek pecks and headed off to his bedroom, still grinning like an idiot. He changed into comfier clothes, and brought some for Phil just in case. He threw a big, warm blanket over his shoulder then walked back into his living room, Phil was doing something on his phone, but Dan threw the blanket over his head anyway.

“Daaan,” Phil fakely whined, “I was playing Crossy Road.”

“Phiiil,” Dan teased, pulling the blanket from his head. “Here, I brought you comfy clothes in case you were tired of your jeans.”

“I am tired of my jeans,” Phil said, accepting the clothes. “I’ll go change.”

“Okay,” Dan smiled, watching him leave toward the bathroom. He pulled out his phone, checking his Tumblr messages. 

Anonymous asked: Do you swallow?  
camboydan answered: i will if they insist, or to be polite, but i dont like the taste

Anonymous asked: so are you dating someone or not  
camboydan answered: i’m seeing someone but i wouldn’t say i’m dating him...yet <3

Anonymous asked: excited for Christmas?  
camboydan answered: very! :D

Anonymous asked: do you want kids someday, If so, what are you going to do about being a porn actor  
camboydan answered: i do. i don’t know yet, i’ll have to figure that out when the time comes i suppose

Anonymous asked: who’s your daddy  
camboydan answered: kanye west

Dan sighed and went out of Tumblr after a few minutes of scrolling. He went to continue putting up the decorations he had bought today. When Phil came back from changing and probably using the restroom, Dan was trying to attach lights to a shelf with tape. 

“Need help?” Phil chuckled, walking up to Dan. Phil perfectly applied the lights to the end of the shelf, making Dan roll his eyes. “It’s not rocket science.”

“It was to me,” Dan huffed. 

They decorate and lounge around for a few more hours until Dan’s tummy started to rumble. 

“We should bake something,” Phil suggested, wrapped up in Dan’s blanket.

“I don’t have shit to bake with,” Dan chuckled. 

“Then let’s go buy shit to bake with,” Phil said and got up, folding the blanket neatly and draping it over the couch. 

“Let’s find a recipe first and make a list of what we need,” Dan insisted, grabbing his laptop from the coffee table and putting it in his lap. Phil leaned his head against Dan’s shoulder as they browsed different recipes to try.

“How about that one?” Phil pointed to some cute marshmallow snowmen treats. 

“No, that’s four out of five on the difficulty scale,” Dan clicked his tongue, going to the next page. “How about these - Holiday Snowball Cookies?”

“Those look good,” Phil said. 

“Alright, you want to make them?” Dan asked. 

“Of course I do,” Phil sat up to write down what they needed on his phone notes, then they were off to Sainsbury’s. The cold weather on the trip to the store was much more tolerable since Phil was going with him.

“Butter, sugar, vanilla, salt, flour, chocolate chips, chopped nuts, and powdered sugar,” Dan read from Phil’s phone. “Those should all be within the same vicinity, right?”

“I hope so,” Phil said and rubbed his stomach. “I’m hungry too.”

“How about we split up, I’ll get four and you get four... crap, I forgot I need like rolling pins and all that too. I’ll get that first, then I’ll meet you on the baking aisle,” Dan said, grabbing them both a trolley.

“Okay,” Phil agreed, heading off to one section of the store with his. 

Dan headed to kitchen utensils, and started grabbing random things off of the shelf, whatever he felt might be necessary. He didn’t have a good mixer bowl or any tablespoons, baking sheets, or trays, so he stuffed them all into his cart, reading off of the recipe. How did he even live without all this stuff that seemed so necessary? He kept staring at the planogram until a woman wheeled her trolley up to him.

“Do you work here?” she asked, holding a list.

“No, ‘m sorry,” Dan explained, “I’ll still help you though.”

“Okay, I’m looking for this specific brand of…hey, wait,” she paused, taking a good look at Dan’s face. She studied it for a few seconds. “I’ve seen you on my son’s laptop before.”

“You...you have?” Dan chuckled, fuck this was awkward as hell. “Um…yeah, I’m...a model...like, for clothes.”

“You weren’t wearing much when I saw the photo of you,” she said, squinting. 

“Erm, yeah, uh...underwear, mostly. It’s just on the side...pays the bills, you know,” he scratched the back of his neck, looking around frantically.

“Ohh,” she said simply, “Well, I’m looking for a certain brand of toothpaste…”

Dan ended up walking halfway through the store to find the woman’s toothpaste. After his mini heart attack, he trudged back to the baking area and grabbed more of what he needed, then made his way to the food where Phil was. 

“Need help finding anything, Mr. Lester?” Dan teased, rolling his trolley beside Phil.

“No, I’m already done,” Phil chuckled, “What was taking you so long?”

“I don’t know, I have one of those faces where I look like I work somewhere. Someone will confidently walk up to me and ask me to help them find something,” Dan said as he looked into Phil’s trolley. “So this woman asked for a certain brand of toothpaste which was all the way on the other side of the store, so I helped her. But I think I got everything we need.”

“I think so too. Let’s merge our trolleys and check out,” Phil said, then started grabbing things from Dan’s trolley and putting them in his. Dan helped and put his trolley back, then met up with Phil near the checkout lines. Phil pulled out his credit card, but Dan blocked it, quickly swiping his own into the machine. Phil rolled his eyes, but let him pay anyway. 

Once they were back at Dan’s apartment, they preheated the oven and cleaned all of the new implements, then started mixing the ingredients into the new mixing bowl. They took turns beating, listening to music as they passed the bowl back and forth. Dan hummed as he whisked, dancing along to the song. 

“Why are you holding it like a baby?” Phil giggled, checking the oven. 

“It’s my food baby,” Dan joked, “My arm’s getting tired, it’s your turn.”

“Fine, my love,” Phil teased, accepting the bowl. Dan blushed a little at the pet name.

“Thank you, my dear,” Dan responded, checking to see if Phil blushed too. Phil started whisking until Dan squeaked.

“You’re going to spill it!” Dan yelped and tilted the bowl upright. 

“I was taking a whisk,” Phil chuckled. Dan groaned and fakely gagged at his pun.

Once it was Dan’s turn, Phil checked the recipe. He got out the flour, getting some and slowly adding it to the bowl while Dan kept mixing. After a few cups of flour, his phone started going off. 

“Oh, it’s my mum,” Phil said, picking it up and answering instantly. “Hi, Mum.”

Dan watched, taking the courtesy to turn the music down. Trying to listen curiously, he kept mixing while hearing Phil talk to her. 

“I’m at Dan’s,” Phil told her, “Oh, yeah, you can talk to him.”

Dan went pink, stopping his hand from stirring and looking at Phil wide eyed. Phil just smiled reassuringly, gesturing for him to set the bowl down. Dan set it down on the counter with hesitance. 

“Yeah...okay, yeah, here’s Dan,” Phil was still grinning as he handed Dan the phone. Dan’s hands were shaky as he took it, holding it up to his ear. 

“Mrs. Lester?” Dan asked, looking at his kitchen wall.

“Yes. Is this Dan?” she answered and asked. As intimidated as Dan was by a godly creature such as Phil’s mum, she sounded sweet. 

“Y-yes, hello ma’am...Mrs. Lester, this is Dan, it’s a pleasure to be talking to you, an honor really…” Dan stuttered nervously, watching Phil mess with the flour.

“Oh dear, you don’t have to call me Mrs. Lester. You can call me Kathryn if you want, Kath even,” she said softly. 

“Oh...okay, Kath. Sorry, I…” Dan was still tripping over his words. 

“Don’t be sorry, love. I’m excited to see you for Christmas, Philip has told me wonderful things about you,” she told him.

“He...he has?” Dan chuckled, smiling a little. “I’ve…I’ve heard lovely things about you as well, Mrs- I mean, Kath. I’m excited to see you for Christmas too.”

“What do you want for Christmas, Dan?” she inquired. 

“Oh, Kath, it’s alright, please don’t feel pressured to get me anything. You barely know me,” Dan looked at Phil, smiling and leaning on one leg.

“Well, you must have something to unwrap with us, Dan, it’s only fair,” she insisted. 

“Really, I’m okay,” Dan assured her. 

“Hm. Alright. I’ll have to get Philip to give me some ideas, then,” she said. 

“Okay,” he chuckled.

“It’s been a pleasure to talk to you, dear, I can’t wait to meet you,” she said. Dan didn’t notice as Phil put flour on his hands and touched Dan’s ass. Dan gasped, sarcastically glaring at him and rolling his eyes. 

“Y-you too, ma’am,” Dan said, still a little shaken up by Phil. He playfully punched him in the arm. “Would you like to talk to Phil again?”

“That’s okay, love. Tell him I said goodbye and that I love him. Goodbye to you too, Dan, thank you for making Phil so happy,” she said.

Dan smiled, “Goodbye, Mrs. Lester.”

“Goodbye dear,” she said, then hung up.

Dan set his phone down nicely on the counter, then squealed at Phil, “I can’t believe you did that while I was on the phone with your mum! I have flour all over my ass now!”

Phil giggled and covered his mouth with his hands, “I couldn’t help myself!”

“You absolute dildo!” Dan collected some flour on his hands and attempted to get Phil back, missing and getting his shoulders. They ran across the kitchen, getting flour all over themselves and the room. 

Once they were out of breath, they finally stopped and continued the recipe. Putting the music back on, Dan watched as Phil sprinkled nuts and chocolate chips into the bowl. He hummed and danced happily, hugging him from behind and rocking him back and forth. 

“What are you doing?” Phil giggled, stirring them in. 

“Dancing with you. Come on,” Dan whined.

“Hold on, let’s make the dough balls and put them in the oven first, then we can dance all we want, bear,” Phil finished, getting a pan and a baking sheet. Dan helped roll up the dough and they put them on the pan, then they put them in the oven to bake for about ten minutes. 

“Now can we dance?” Dan said, wiping his hands off on a towel.

“Yes,” Phil chuckled, holding his hand out for him. Dan accepted it and they cheesily danced together along to Dan’s weird music taste.

In the middle of dancing to Thinking Out Loud, Dan’s phone started ringing. He ignored it and wrapped his arms around Phil’s neck, then tilted his head slightly to kiss him. He tasted like flour. Phil led Dan back against the counter, kissing him back and holding his hips. Dan just giggled and jumped up onto his kitchen counter. 

“You sure you don’t want to check that?” Phil asked in between kisses as Dan’s phone rang again. 

“Ignore it,” Dan reached behind him to deny the call. He gently held Phil’s jaw, kissing him sweetly until his phone went off. Again. Dan groaned, pulling away. He picked up his phone, checking the caller ID - it was his dad. 

“Looks like our parents really want to call us tonight, huh?” Phil tried to lighten the mood. 

Dan just sighed, resting his hand on Phil’s shoulder and answering, “Hello?”

His father didn’t even greet him, “Your mother told me you’re not coming for Christmas.”

Dan’s face dropped, and he looked away from Phil’s eyes, “Yeah. ‘M sorry, I tried to get off of work on Christmas but-“

“You couldn’t have asked sooner?” his father said angrily, “You know all of your family is coming, and you have the nerve to-“

“Dad. I’m sorry,” Dan interrupted, nearly scoffing with some random bit of confidence since Phil was there, “I tried to get off work. I might come for New Year’s. And you know what? I looked at universities, okay? Is that why you’re calling me?”

The universities thing was a complete lie, but anything to end their conversation would do.

“You can always find another job, you’re doing that internship in January, anyway...wait, universities? You’ve finally looked into some like I’ve been asking you to do for months?” his father argued. Dan huffed, gently pushing Phil back so he could hop off of the counter. He prayed Phil couldn’t hear his dad over the phone. Did his dad just want to argue for fun?

Also - why did his dad have to be such a dick sometimes? He was just trying to enjoy baking with Phil and he just had to call and ruin it. Their sunny, rainbow filled sky was now gloomy with dark clouds and lightning.

He walked into his living room in hopes of not arguing right in front of Phil, “Yes, Dad, I did,” he seethed, turning around to see Phil awkwardly watching him from the kitchen. He looked nervous. Dan racked his brain for names of cities in England that might have a university in them, “I’ve looked at University of Birmingham…”

“Birmingham! No son of mine is coming back home with a fucking brummie accent,” his dad yelled, “Look harder! Closer to Wokingham, for Christ’s sake!”

“Fine! I looked at University of Manchester, too, okay? And…” Dan began, trying to remember what uni Phil went to. Luckily, Phil caught on and hissed York.

“University of York, where else do you want me to look?! Why don’t you just pick one for me since you think you have the right to choose all of my other life decisions anyway?!” Dan screeched, disregarding that Phil was there. 

“I’m doing what’s best for you, Daniel!” his father roared, “How dare you yell at me, after all I’ve done for you!”

Dan grunted, “Look, I’m not arguing with you right now. I’m busy. I’m hanging up. Goodbye.”

“Daniel-“

Dan tapped the end call button as hard as he could, then threw himself down onto his couch, covering his face with his hands. Flour was getting everywhere, but right now, Dan didn’t care. Phil instantly rushed to his side, wrapping his arm around him.

“I’m sorry you had to hear that,” Dan sighed, on the verge of tears. “I should’ve just ignored it. I’m sorry.”

“Bear, it’s okay,” Phil said, allowing Dan to rest his head on his shoulder. “Does that happen often? You and your dad arguing?”

Dan nodded, curling up into Phil’s arm. “Yeah.”

“I...I’m never going to know exactly what that’s like for you,” Phil admitted, “But I’ll try to help you go through it as best as I can, okay?”

“It’s just so exhausting,” Dan whimpered, tears threatening to fall, “I’m just so tired of-“

The oven went off. 

“Maybe a Holiday Snowball Cookie will make you feel better,” Phil suggested, getting up to take them out of the oven. He let Dan sulk for a few moments before bringing him a plate full of cookies. Dan looked up at him, cracking a small chuckle. He accepted a cookie, underestimating how good it would taste until he took a bite. 

“Holy fuck,” he moaned orgasmically, leaning back into the couch. “You have got to eat one.”

“Okay, okay,” Phil giggled, sitting beside him and eating from a different one. “Mmm, they’re pretty good. Not ‘I’m practically going to have an orgasm’ good, but, good.”

“Hey,” Dan hit him lightly, “That’s just how I eat.”

Phil took another bite of his as Dan’s eyes rolled back into his skull quite dramatically. He finished one cookie and instantly grabbed another, leaning back into the couch and groaning in satisfaction.

“Stop it,” Phil squeaked, watching Dan suck on his fingers.

“I’m actually having an orgasm, these are so fucking good,” Dan bit slowly into one of the cookies. “Sweet mother of god.”

“Dan,” Phil playfully scolded.

Dan played it up a little more, maybe a bit too close to how he sounded when he filmed, “Oh my god. Fuuuuuck. Uuuuugh.”

“Dan!” Phil hit his shoulder, making Dan erupt into a fit of laughter. They eventually finished the majority of the cookies about halfway through a Christmas movie, cuddling lazily despite being covered head to toe in flour. 

“I’m stuffed,” Phil noted, tangling their legs together at the end of the couch.

“Ditto,” Dan said, his head rested on Phil’s shoulder. “And tired again.”

“Do you mind if I stay the night?” Phil asked, rubbing Dan’s arm.

“Yeah, I do, get the fuck out,” Dan teased, snuggling up closer to Phil. He looked up fondly at him to see his reaction.

“You nearly gave me a heart attack, Dan!” Phil whined, his eyes wide and staring into Dan’s.

“I’m joking,” Dan laughed, “Live here if you want. I don’t care.”

“One day,” Phil promised, kissing Dan’s forehead. Dan looked at Phil’s lips as he pulled away, reaching out to hold his jaw gingerly and press their lips together. It was nice, soft, sweet - Dan couldn’t imagine anything more perfect. When he pulled away, Phil spoke again against his lips, “One day, bear. Soon. We will be living happily together and everything will work out.”

“I have bad habits that I don’t think you’d like to live with,” Dan told him as he laid his head back down, yawning in between his words. 

“So do I. So does everyone,” Phil reasoned, yawning as well. “But I’m sure they aren’t that bad.”

“I sing really loud in the shower,” Dan admitted, “I’m afraid of the dark. I leave clothes lying around my room.”

“That’s nothing,” Phil said, “I use three towels when I shower, I leave socks everywhere, I keep kitchen cupboards open…”

“As annoying as those sound,” Dan said. “They’re still a part of you. They still make you charming. They still make me...l-love you.”

“Aww,” Phil joked, “I bet you sing beautifully in the shower.”

“You might just have to join me someday so I can prove it to you,” Dan winked, giggling and nuzzling into him. 

“I just might,” Phil ran his fingers smoothly through Dan’s hair.

Dan yawned again, trudging up to turn the main light off. He then grabbed the draped blanket from the edge of the couch, lifting it above them as he snuggled back into Phil. Phil helped by turning off the TV. As Dan closed his eyes, using Phil’s chest as a pillow, he murmured, “Goodnight, Phil. I...I l-love…I love you.”

“Goodnight, Dan. I love you too,” Phil said with a slight bit of unnoticed hesitation.

Dan chose to ignore the awkward fact that saying I love you was weird and hummed happily, soon falling asleep again, hoping that he’d sleep okay, hoping that his parents would leave him alone, hoping that somehow he and Phil could still be together if it all went wrong. It wasn’t the best train of thought to fall asleep to, but he eventually did.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy this chapter! make sure you have me followed on instagram so you're updated on things - by this i mean i'm considering uploading chapter 15 really soon and taking a short break :) but i'll let you know for sure

Dan was hiccuping wet, angry tears as he looked out of the window, seeing the scenery of the familiar trip from London to Wokingham. He looked down at his wrists and he was manacled to each parent, his father connected to his left wrist while his mother was connected to his right. He tugged at them so hard that the skin was becoming raw pink and red, but his parents didn’t move. They were as stiff as concrete, anchors to the train seats, not allowing him mercy, no matter how hard he pulled. 

“Let me go!” Dan screeched, trying to get up from the seat, but his ankles were chained as well. “Let me go! What is this?!”

He looked down at his wrists, tan skin turning into red rain dripping down his arms. Heat surged through him and he fought and fought, but there was nothing but dry force against the metal. Tears flowed from his eyes rapidly, falling and falling without any holding back, he couldn’t stop them.

“Mum! Dad! Let me fucking go! Now!” Dan screamed.

He turned to look at his parents, their faces starting to melt. Looking all around the empty train, everything started to melt, the colors of the train interior, the sky, the buildings. Then everything went black.

Dan gasped, sitting up instantly. He looked at his surroundings, he was back in his apartment. Phil, thank god, was still underneath him. He sighed, relaxing back into Phil’s hold. It was just a nightmare. He was still panting, but it was just a nightmare. 

“Dan?” Phil asked, barely awake. “You okay?”

“Bad dream,” Dan grumbled, slowly laying back down. His head was pounding. 

“Oh,” Phil said, rubbing his arm gently. “What was it?”

“I was,” Dan breathed, “I was on a train back to Wokingham, and I was chained to my parents.”

“It’s okay, bear, it was just a dream,” Phil held him close, “That won’t happen, okay? It wasn’t real.”

“Yeah,” Dan said softly, resting his head back on Phil’s chest, “Yeah.”

Phil comforted him until he fell asleep again, cozy in his arms. He was calm again, sleeping like an angel. Waking up a lot more peacefully this time, he blinked his eyes open slowly and looked around. 

“Up again?” Phil asked, giggling awkwardly when his stomach growled. 

“Mm? Mhm,” Dan rubbed his eyes, sitting up, “Did I fall back asleep?”

“Yeah,” Phil chuckled, kissing his neck. “I’ve been your bed ever since.”

“Shit, ‘m sorry,” Dan said as he got up, ruffling his hair, “I just, I dunno, I guess that bad dream just wore me out again.”

“What was it, exactly, baby?” Phil asked as he sat up with him. Dan blinked around and guessed it was noon.

“It...it was weird,” Dan explained, “I can remember that I was like, chained to my parents, my wrists and ankles, and we were on a train...and I somehow knew we were going to Wokingham. I was pulling and pulling on the chains on my wrists until they were bleeding. I was yelling and screaming and crying, asking what was going on, but they wouldn’t answer me…”

Phil was gently reaching out for Dan’s hand, holding it close. He listened to every word. Looking down at their connected hands, Dan continued.

“And I looked at them, and they started melting. Everything started melting...then it was over,” Dan finished with a huge sigh. “That is literally one of my biggest nightmares, them coming and taking me away from here.”

“Dan, love, it’s okay,” Phil told him.

“That and...other things,” Dan said softly, squeezing his hand a little and looking away.

“Like what?” Phil asked, speaking in the same gentle tone. 

Dan inhaled heavily, “They don’t know about you...because I just...I can’t express my attraction to you. It just...it just doesn’t exist in my family. Anything remotely close to be being gay is just...no. They want me to become a lawyer and marry a woman and get her pregnant. They honestly think that’s the best for me. Not me doing what I want.”

Phil rubbed his shoulder sympathetically. 

“And in my head, I’ve just thought of every horrible scenario…” Dan tried to prevent his tears from coming, “Every possible way there could be an argument or something, every way I could be hurt. And then I think about it in the long run...I want my kids to have a grandfather and a grandmother and they’re not going to have that and…” Dan rambled, choking up, “There’s something else too, that I’m so scared I can’t even tell you, I…”

“The thing that bothers you that mentioned to me a while ago?” Phil asked, comforting him and wiping his tears away.

“Y-yeah, that…” Dan pushed his hair back, his secret on the tip of his tongue, “I’m sorry, I just…can’t. Not right now.”

“That’s fine,” Phil assured him, “Take as much time as you need.”

Dan nodded, wiping his eyes. “Yeah.”

“There’s one more cookie left,” Phil said, reaching for one at the coffee table in front of them. “We can share.”

Dan pulled his eyes away, unable to help but crack a tiny smile. Phil held it out, and Dan took a bite, giggling and gazing at him. He then took it and fed Phil a bite, and they shared until the last cookie was gone and Dan’s tears had dried up.

“How do you always how to make everything better?” Dan asked, wiping crumbs from his mouth. 

“Maybe I have a sixth sense,” Phil said, wrapping his arms around his waist and kissing around Dan’s mouth where remaining crumbs were. 

Dan laughed and squealed, “I’m ticklish!”

“You are?” Phil teased, making the mistake of letting his hands go.

“I am, and I bet you are too,” Dan started tickling Phil, and they playfully wrestled around until they were out of breath.

“Okay, we better clean up my kitchen before we get any lazier,” Dan yawned after their tickle fight and got up. He stretched, feeling a little lightheaded. Trudging to his kitchen for water, he yawned again and watched as Phil followed, eager to help.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, I took a picture of you while you were sleeping,” Phil said.

Dan huffed sarcastically as he got a bottle, “Let me see.”

As Dan picked up dishes to put them into the sink, he looked at the picture. It was really cute, he seemed peaceful and angelic, but Dan would never admit that. If he could, he’d put it on Tumblr with an aesthetic filter or something. 

“Gross,” Dan set the things down into the sink. Phil chuckled and pocketed his phone, then helped him clean up. While they cleaned, they told stories and Phil brought up Manchester again.

“You’re going to have to help me pack,” Dan said, drying his hand with a towel and then handing it to Phil. “Help me pick out what clothes I should wear to make a good impression.”

“We have a few weeks,” Phil reminded Dan as he towel-dried his hands. 

“I know, I know,” Dan looked around at his now clean kitchen. “Well, what do you want to do until then?”

“Um...watch TV?” Phil asked. 

“Okay, but what do you really want to do?” Dan teased.

Phil rubbed his arm awkwardly and muttered, “Make out…”

“Come on then,” Dan said, suddenly remembering his room was clean. For once, no evidence of a particular scene was evident. He tugged Phil’s arm down the hallway to his bedroom, then lightly shoved him onto his black and white colored bed. They were still flour covered, but Dan didn’t mind.

Phil looked up at him, smiling like a dork. He gestured for Dan to come lay with him, and when Dan did, he gently held his waist and they began to kiss, very passionately. They were licking hungrily into each other’s mouths until Phil politely interrupted. 

“Um...Dan?” Phil said softly, gently letting their lips part after a few minutes. 

“Yeah?” Dan asked, grinning. 

“I...don’t want to go all the way just yet,” Phil admitted, chewing his bottom lip. “I’m sorry…”

“Phil, don’t be,” Dan lightly held his jaw, “Don’t be sorry. We can do it when and if you want to.”

“I definitely want to. I just feel like we should save it for a special time,” he said, allowing Dan to push his fringe out of his face, “Not just randomly while we’re covered in flour.”

“I agree,” Dan smiled, “When do you think a special time would be?”

Phil chuckled, rubbing Dan’s hip, “I know a perfect time, but I’ll keep it a surprise.”

“What if I don’t want to at that time? Will you be disappointed?” Dan whispered. 

“I won’t be disappointed or upset with you. I’ll just say ‘okay’ and think of another special time for us,” Phil replied, placing a light kiss on his nose. “Have I ever told you how perfect your nose is?”

“It’s not,” Dan pouted sarcastically as Phil nuzzled their noses together. “It’s got a weird bump in it and it’s too wide.”

“You don’t nose what you’re talking about,” Phil said. Dan groaned and rolled his eyes, causing Phil to laugh until his sides hurt. 

“I hate you so much,” Dan started to sit up, but Phil pouted and gently tugged on his arm to pull him back down. Dan sighed and curled up beside him again, their faces inches apart. “You and your damn puns.”

“Are you a beaver?” Phil asked.

“Am I a what?” Dan scrunched his nose up in confusion.

“Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam,” Phil supplied. Dan rolled his eyes again, and before he could speak, Phil was booping his nose lightly with his finger. “That nose scrunch thing? Adorable.”

Dan began to blush, looking away from him for a moment, “You better be thankful we aren’t in public right now.”

“Why not?” Phil said as his hand slowly made its way back to Dan’s side. 

“Because you’re making me blush, you spork,” Dan said. “And I’d shank you.”

“I hope you wouldn’t...but yes I am, and I am very proud of myself,” Phil giggled as he poked Dan’s cheek. “I get to see your perfect rosy patch and your perfect dimple.”

“And I get to see your perfect greenish-blueish-yellowish eyes and perfect pink lips,” Dan said softly, gently pressing a kiss to said lips. Phil slightly tilted his head and kissed back, then both of them fluttered their eyes shut. It was too perfect to the point where it felt a little strange to Dan. He forgot about his secrets and his parents for a few moments as they kissed, just thinking about this perfect whatever he was with Phil and how lucky he was to have him. How undeserving he was didn’t phase him right then.

Dan crawled his way on top of Phil, pulling away to look down at him. He giggled fondly, pushing his hair back, “I can’t believe it took us, like, two weeks to kiss for the first time.”

“I wanted to take this relationship seriously,” Phil reasoned, gazing up at him.

“I never said I didn’t,” Dan said, “I wanted to be careful and take my time too. But if I’m being realistic, I wanted to kiss you way before then. I wanted to kiss you before we even met in person.”

“Aww,” Phil teased, “I did too, of course.”

Dan smiled and chuckled, leaning down to kiss him a few times sweetly. “Just kiss on our first date?”

“Maybe more, as I am extremely attracted to you,” Phil said softly, as if it were a secret. 

“Oh, are you?” Dan giggled poked his side, causing him to squeal. “We’re acting so goofy and cheesy right now that if I wasn’t involved I’d be gagging from the outside.”

“That’s what love does to you,” Phil supplied, “Have you dated anyone else before?”

Dan nodded, not liking to think about it very much, and it didn’t dawn on him later that Phil lowkey implied that they were dating, or would be dating soon. He sighed, “I’m not that young but...yeah. Girls that I thought that I was in love with, but I wasn’t.”

“Never a guy?” Phil asked. 

“I’ve been with guys, just not...been with guys,” Dan tried to explain, pushing his emo fringe back and tucking it behind his ear. 

“I see,” Phil held him close. “If you’re uncomfortable, we don’t have to keep talking about it, but if you want me to share too I can...just so you don’t feel left out.”

Dan rested his head on Phil’s chest, murmuring into his neck, “Don’t have to.”

“Okay. Sorry,” Phil ran his hand up to Dan’s head, gently stroking his hair. “We don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to.”

“Maybe one day,” Dan answered, his words having more than one meaning. 

“One day,” Phil said as he gently scratched the hair at the nape of Dan’s neck, making him quiver at first, but he slowly went pliant. 

“Yeah. It’s better if we just are honest to each other,” Dan said, not realizing what he was saying. Shit. Fucking shit. As soon as the words left his mouth, he instantly regretted them. But he couldn’t take them back.

“Me too,” Phil agreed, oblivious to Dan’s thoughts, then kissed his forehead a few times. “Dan, I love you.”

Dan sighed, trying to make his tone sound happy with a slightly faked smile. Phil’s words eased his tense shoulders, so he just let himself relax. It would be okay. Phil didn’t have to know. He just thought Dan wasn’t ready yet, not that he was never telling him. 

“I...love you too, Philly,” Dan murmured, nuzzling into him. 

“You’re like a little puppy,” Phil said, “Soft. Cuddly. Adorable.”

“Are you a furry?” Dan asked with a little giggle. 

“No!” Phil yelped, “Are you?”

Dan just shrugged, making Phil lightly shove him. He laughed, looking up into Phil’s eyes, “I’m kidding.”

“Okay, good,” Phil said as his stomach growled. 

“Hungry?” Dan asked, rubbing Phil’s chest. “Are we going to have to bake again?”

“Yeah, and no,” Phil said, “Wanna order pizza?”

Dan nodded, “My phone’s back in my lounge.”

“Ughhh, but I don’t want to move,” Phil groaned.

“But you’re hungry. Come on,” Dan yawned and stretched, squealing when Phil poked his exposed tummy. “Stooop.”

Dan eventually dragged Phil back into his lounge and they ordered a pizza to share. A few hours later, Phil went home, apparently not caring that there were still a few prominent patches of flour on his clothes. As much as Dan wanted him to stay longer, Phil had a video to film. And so did Dan. He finally rechecked the email he got to film a video with the adult magazine and video company and planned a date and time to film for them.

-

Subject: December Issue (again)

To: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

From: alexjo@gayukmag.com

Dan,

Thank you so much for coming to our photo shoot the other day. We really enjoyed working with you, and our magazine editors were really impressed by the content you gave us. And no, I don’t say that to everyone. 

You have some real talent, Dan, and we can’t wait to see how much you grow. We’d like to ask you to film professionally with us - on your own is fine, I remember what you said at the shoot about seeing someone - just to see how you do with a HD quality camera in front of you.

Let me know whenever you are free to shoot and I’ll try my best to make it work. Also, you should receive the payment from your photos in PayPal very soon - this does not include royalties from the magazine when it is released.

Alex

-

Dan thought of a good time that he could tell Phil he was “working” - which, technically, he was - just not at Tesco. He emailed Alex back with a positive tone in his message with a time he was available, which happened to be only a couple of days before the magazine issue for December would be released. 

-

Subject: Re: December Issue (again)

To: alexjo@gayukmag.com

From: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

Thank you so much for this opportunity, Alex! I am available this upcoming Wednesday if that’s okay, anytime from noon to five maybe?

Dan

-

He soon received an answer back.

-

Subject: Re: December Issue (again)

To: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

From: alexjo@gayukmag.com

Dan,

That sounds perfect! My writer will come up with a script and plot line, then I’ll send it to you and we’ll meet you in the studio. It’ll be a piece of cake.

Alex

-

Subject: Re: December Issue (again)

To: alexjo@gayukmag.com

From: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

Amazing. Thanks again

Dan

-

After emailing, Dan was actually productive. He started brainstorming ideas for a lot of things - what he was going to do for his gifts to his family, Phil, and Phil’s family, what he was going to do about his blog while he was in Manchester, and how he was going to try and avoid visiting his own family for New Year’s. 

He came up with the genius idea that Phil’s Christmas gifts would be themed with the senses - he already had candles for the sense of smell, and he could buy a soft pillow or stuffed animal for the sense of touch, music for the sense of hearing...he just needed to come up with something for sight and taste. Dan even came up with a funny idea that he could buy something magic related like an eight ball or tarot cards for Phil’s “sixth sense.” A heartfelt card and a cute house decoration would be for the Lesters, and general Amazon gift cards for Martyn and Cornelia. 

Already having nearly every gift for his own family already, he decided he’d send them the day before he left for Manchester in hopes they would arrive on time so his parents wouldn’t complain. He didn’t think he would be able to dodge getting out of New Year’s, but luckily for that holiday he’d only have to stay for two days. Hopefully. It’d be just enough time to catch up with them before lying and saying he really needed to go to work and leave. He just didn’t want to have an awkward dinner table conversation again like he had done for the past eighteen years of his life. Dan didn’t have to anymore, he’d moved out, but hopefully this would be one of the few rare times he’d have to go back. Having already skipped visiting for both of his parents’ birthdays, he only went to Adrian’s birthday party just to offer him support. Maybe if his grandma showed up it wouldn’t be so bad. 

As for what Dan was going to do with his blog before he visited his and Phil’s family, he decided he was going to queue up a lot of content - which would take a lot of work. He’d have to film a lot and as often as he could for a few days, meaning he probably wouldn’t get to enjoy himself at all without needing a camera in front of him. He ordered some new toys and things to try out to spice up his content as much as he could, writing down some ideas and even making a post asking for requests, ideas and/or suggestions.

That night before work, he filmed two videos, which should have been exhausting, but if Dan were being honest, they weren’t that bad. They were experimental, he tried some new toys and such he’d been meaning to test out, and he had acquired them thanks to his audience. He queued two posts over the next week or so to promote the magazine, which was anxiously releasing very, very soon - about ten days in fact. He was still so curious to see what photos they had ended up using, so he emailed Alex again.

-

Subject: Photoshoot outtakes

To: alexjo@gayukmag.com

From: dandoesbusiness@gmail.com

Do you mind letting me know what photos you used of me in the magazine? Also, could you send me outtakes I could post?

Thanks  
Dan

-

After emailing Alex again, Dan lazily edited one of the videos he took in the late hours of the night. He was cuddled up in a cozy blanket with one of his teddy bears, still not wearing anything since before he filmed. The video was definitely going to bring some new creative content to his blog and website, as someone literally did order him accessories that made him look like a cat. Getting a bit bored, he tried some filters on his video, then made some sneak peek gifs, and finally went off to bed, but not before texting Phil, of course.

Dan: goodnight :3  
Dan: ly <3

Phil: Night Dan ^_^  
Phil: Lyt <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took longer than usual! there’s smut this chapter that makes me nervous to post yay. also, sorry about some of the porn studio stuff it might be unrealistic af but there’s not really a way to research how that all works lol (plus tumblr banned amateur porn which is fucking fantastic for fanfic smut writers how fucking convenient is that. wow. thanks turnblur dot corn. my favorite reference vids are gone.) this is a fanFIC meaning i can make up whatever i want so :)

People really needed to stop recognizing Dan in public. 

He hated feeling like he had to start awkward conversations with people just because they knew him but he didn’t know them. What was he supposed to talk about, the weather or some shit?

Ever since someone recognized him on the train when he was with Phil, three more people had - that woman in Sainsbury’s, one when he was shopping on the opposite side of town in the street, and one on a simple tube ride home from work. He didn’t realize how popular he was actually becoming, and frankly, none of those experiences meeting people had been very pleasant. 

The one with the woman was awkward - really, really awkward - she had recognized Dan from seeing him on her son’s laptop, for christ’s sake. By the way she had said it, she did not comprehend the fact that her son was attracted to men, as well as she was very oblivious to the fact that what Dan normally did was quite explicit and that what her son was viewing most definitely was not just a clothing model. Luckily, Phil was on the other end of the store while that was going down, unlike the first “fan,” if you could even call him that, who tried to flirt with him on public transport. 

The man that had recognized him on the opposite side of where he normally dwelled in London was not from London, for sure. He sounded northern, but in a different way than Phil. That time it was not too bad, and slightly tolerable. Their talk on a street corner bench waiting for a cab was fine except for the fact that Dan usually considered his audience to be young, gay or bisexual men, and this man was seemingly, no, definitely - older than a typical viewer he would expect. He had grey sides with the top part presumably colored which was definitely interesting, and if that didn’t signify his age then his wrinkly face did. Dan probably should have taken that into consideration a long time ago, but his age was soon forgotten after their decent conversation about Dan’s plans for the future and not extremely graphic talk like the final man he had met in the past week. 

Thank god that the train was nearly empty during their interaction, but there was a fucking family on there with them, and to put it simply, the second man had absolutely no shame in sharing his personal life and such with Dan. For example, telling Dan less than five minutes into their conversation that he was horny. Dan had nearly clashed his head against the handrail, on purpose, wishing for it to end. The amount of detail he was going into about what he preferred in the bedroom, and in public, for that matter, was a little too ridiculous for Dan’s taste. He had morals and boundaries and a life outside of just sexual stuff. Surely the man’s hookups didn’t want all of their personal information spread, did they? It led Dan to wonder how people talked about him when he wasn’t around to hear it. He had never had “fans” like this before.

Aside from those weird experiences, Dan had enjoyed a pretty busy week, working as much part-time as he could to earn money for the holidays, preparing posts for when he was on ‘vacation’ in Manchester, shopping, and spending time with Phil. 

Dan and Phil had gone to a bar one of the nights, but Dan had underestimated how many drinks it would take him to start sharing too much personal information - his maudlin mind hazy due to whatever cocktail he’d finished. He didn’t spill his secret - somehow his drunk mind knew not to - but he had definitely told too much about his family and life growing up that he probably shouldn’t have told Phil. About how crappy it was, mostly, like how he had bought his own car and his parents randomly sold it in return for raising him, about how he was bullied in school, and how his eighteenth birthday sucked aside from him finally being somewhat independent. Basically, everything he was insecure about, everything he tried to push out of his already self-deprecating head, and everything he had left behind back in Wokingham. Everything that put him through hell and back and how hard he was fighting to not go back there. 

Which, according to Phil’s sources, ended up making Dan break down right in the middle of the bar, resulting in Phil nicely escorting him back to his flat to assure him everything was okay in order to avoid the weird stares and “is he alright” comments from the other bar visitors. Phil had given him ice cream and put on a movie for him to calm down with. In return, Dan had given him a hungover, probably half-assed handjob in the morning, but Phil didn’t complain. 

While out shopping, Dan had purchased more things for Phil’s elaborate Christmas gift. He had bought a soft, plush blobfish, a Muse album that they had discussed at least three times and earbuds, and he had ordered tarot cards on Amazon. He just needed something for the sense of sight, which he was thinking an expensive snow globe, as well as some more treats to taste which he would get sooner toward Christmas for the sense of smell, and some sentimental words to write in a personalized DIY Christmas card.

At this time though, Dan was sitting on a train again, on his way to the Gay UK studio to film his first ever professional video with them, and he was very nervous. His nails were bitten to nubs and his leg was bouncing, and he was looking around the train car praying that no one recognized him.

And that Phil wouldn’t wonder where he was, and that his parents wouldn’t call, and many other things. 

Everything would be alright. He didn’t know how long this would take, but it would end up fine, he’d gain more experience to further evolve his career, earn more money, all of that. And he technically was working, so his lie to Phil would sort of not be a lie. A white lie - but a good white lie, not one infused with trickery and intended to hurt, one that was a pretty shade of snowy white and not dirty laundry white.

Lying to Phil was becoming regular now, second nature even. Dan’s guilt was still eating at his gut, but it was easier and easier to lie the more time went by. His lies were fluid and slipped out so easily.

Upon entering the studio, he saw Nathan, which part of him got excited by - he was one of Dan’s idols, after all - and the other slightly dreaded it, because Nathan was just a lot more confident in his sexuality than Dan was and he was too afraid to tell him he was seeing someone. Damn Nathan with his dark brown hair with grey streaks and abs and scruffy jaw and everything. Nathan dressed like an edgy badass, which Dan slightly envied. He was attractive, but not Phil attractive, just attractive enough to be distracting. Nathan basically looked like a real life version of Robert from Dream Daddy.

“Hey, Dan,” Nathan greeted as Dan entered the building.

“Oh. Hey,” Dan said awkwardly, playing with the strap of his backpack, “Um...what are you doing here?”

“My job?” Nathan chuckled, then pointed over to some room with a slightly opened door. “Just finished filming.”

Dan then noticed his slightly messy hair and off centered clothes and replied, “Oh, cool.”

“What are you doing here?” Nathan asked as Dan looked around to find Alex.

“Looking for Alex, I’m supposed to be filming today as well,” Dan answered.

“Ooh, you are? Is this your first professional video?” Nathan inquired with his eyebrow raised a little too suggestively. 

Dan blushed, nodding slowly and answering, “Yeah. Do you know where-“

“Dan!” a voice greeted, thank god it was Alex. He seemingly appeared out of absolutely nowhere.

“There he is,” Nathan teased, very obviously checking Dan out. Dan just stood there awkwardly, feeling like a deer in headlights.

“Nate, leave him alone, he’s not fresh meat,” Alex said and playfully shoved him. “You ready, Dan?”

“Yep,” Dan said softly, following Alex as he led him to one of the “makeover” rooms, which for Dan would just be some simple foundation or powder to make him photogenic. Nathan waved goodbye to him, so he gave a single salute back.

“Remembered your lines?” Alex asked, allowing him to sit down in a chair for a makeup artist to attend to him.

“Yeah, they’re pretty simple, and I was a theater kid, so…” Dan said as he watched the woman brush powder over his cheeks.

“A theater kid! No wonder you’ve got so much natural talent,” Alex said, making Dan smile a little bit. “Well, Dan, there’s always a little speech I go over with people when it’s their first time filming…”

“You do?” Dan asked as Alex sat in a chair across from him.

“Yeah, it’s not very long,” he chuckled, “It’s more of a disclaimer, really. Basically, it’s just me saying that you’re allowed to be narcissistic. You’re going by the same rules that all of our employees go by, which, even though you’re not technically an employee of ours - but we’d love for you to be - we’re giving you this opportunity, it means you’re allowed to make it your own. Of course, there’s a director and cameraman in there, but it’s your stage.”

Dan nodded as his hair was styled.

“You’re allowed to give suggestions, even though it feels like you’re inexperienced and you have no control, you do. You’re allowed to feel uncomfortable and tell me this wasn’t what you thought it was and decide this isn’t best for you. You’re allowed to ask people to turn away or leave the room. You’re allowed to make it best suited for you. Us in charge just want you to be in a safe, comfortable environment where you feel like you can express yourself,” Alex explained, “And we love what you can do, Dan. We think you have a lot of potential and we’re very happy to be working with you.”

“That sounds amazing,” Dan said, smiling widely. “Thank you, I appreciate it. I’m a little nervous, but excited to see what this can do to open up my future.”

“I’m excited for you as well,” Alex beamed as the makeup artist backed away. “My best advice for you is just for you to do what feels natural.”

“Natural,” Dan repeated, “Got it.”

“Ready?” Alex asked.

“Yeah,” Dan said, then got up and ready for his shoot. The script was simple, he was supposed to pretend like he was living with his parents still and saying he was going to sleep when really he was going to be getting off for the camera. Which would actually be a piece of cake, considering he had literally done this about a thousand times for real. All of those times were very uncomfortable and he cringed to think about them, but this time he was getting paid good money, so he let those thoughts slide.

Alex led him to a different room down the hall. The set was an average teenage bedroom, a little boring but just realistic enough. He looked at the huge, professional camera facing it, gulping a little, and then at the bright lights, then at the discreet microphone hidden near the nightstand. Alex did say that he could ask people to leave, but he didn’t want to give up on being brave just yet. Biting his lip, he watched Alex and a director sit at the chairs and the cameraman adjust something with the lens. 

“Dan, this is Mike, our cameraman,” Alex introduced a man behind a fancy camera setup.

“Nice to meet you,” Dan said as shook Mike’s hand politely. As soon as they let go, he went back to working on the camera.

“And this is Oliver, our director,” Alex said, watching Oliver and Dan shake hands. Dan smiled awkwardly, looking around at the set.

“You alright?” Alex asked, pulling Dan out of his trance. 

“Yeah, sorry,” Dan said, “Okay, so where do you want me to start?”

“Outside the fake door, please,” Oliver said, “Then you’ll walk in and say your lines. If you ever need a refresher, Alex has them printed out. Don’t worry if you forget them, it’s not a big deal. We can always cut and edit.”

“Yeah, no worries,” Alex said, “Oh! I forgot to tell you - lube’s in the nightstand drawer for when you need it.”

“Okay, thanks,” Dan responded. It was weird that all of this was so natural for everyone here when it was Dan’s first time. He had never really physically been around other people in the same community, so this was all new for him. Dan went outside of the fake door, going back inside the shot when the director called “action.”

Natural. Just act natural.

He went through the cheesy lines, fakely calling to his mum in the script and telling her he was going to bed. Dan turned off the lights in the set room, which turned off the main lights for the camera as well. Shutting the door, he looked around for the lamp he was supposed to light. He flicked it on and sat down onto the bed, then recited his lines of him talking to himself.

“I hope she doesn’t hear me,” he remembered the script saying, so he said it. He looked out to see Alex giving a thumbs up, so he kept going - it was now time for the actual porn part. 

Again, he thought, just be natural.

What he was supposed to do was simple, since he was alone all he was doing was jerking off and fingering himself like he had done before, but the bit of anxiety started to kick in as he realized there were actually other people in the room and he wasn’t hidden behind a screen like usual. He thought if he closed his eyes it might help, so he did, blindly reaching to palm himself to get himself going. Soon, he started to forget about the other people in the room and he started daydreaming about things that would get him hard so he could perform. They simply didn’t exist anymore - it was just him and his blank slate for daydreams.

Something Phil related would work. He started thinking about what Phil had said, about saving their first time for special moment. Wondering what Phil had in mind, he bit his lip and allowed his hand to wander inside his jeans. Was he going to take him out on a romantic date and then they could go home and have sex? Was it going to be just a random moment? Was it going to be in the bath or shower? Dan didn’t know, but he started imagining anyway. 

He decided to start daydreaming about the potential bath sex situation, as he’d always wanted to experience that - he imagined smiling through searing, passionate kisses as they fumbled around to get their clothes off to get in the tub full of warm water. Dan would finally get in after being cold and let the warm water envelop him, then tug Phil in after him. A pretty bath bomb would be placed at one of the ends while they found a good position - Dan was imagining Phil sitting back against one of the sides while he climbed into his lap, settling his hips into him. They would be unable to stop kissing, grabbing and scratching at each other’s skin. The thoughts got him pulling his shirt up over his head and throwing it off somewhere.

Continuing to bite his lip and close his eyes, he kept taking himself away to paradise. He unzipped and unbuttoned his jeans quickly, shaking them off his legs and kicking them off onto the floor. With his hands becoming shaky, he squeezed his now hardening cock through the fabric. Continuing his train of thought about bath sex, he started to imagine what would happen once Dan was in Phil’s lap, kissing him hard. 

The swishing sounds of the water as they moved, the wet smacking of their lips slipping together, the scratching of Dan’s nails down Phil’s back. Thinking about the sounds got Dan’s hand down his boxers for a few moments before kicking them off quickly. He opened his eyes momentarily to grab the lube out of the nightstand drawer, getting a good amount onto his palm, deciding fuck it and spreading it onto both hands. After fumbling into a good position with his legs spread out, he started pumping his cock for real, closing his eyes and moaning as he tilted his head back.

Dan would get a cup and fill it with water to spill over their heads to make it wetter and hotter, then kiss Phil passionately again, grinding his hips into his lap. He didn’t think about the possibility of Phil finding it weird that he wanted to be smacked or spanked or anything, he just imagined Phil biting him all over and leaving marks, digging his nails into his skin, slapping his bum. All the things that he dreamed of. He imagined them using waterproof lube and arching his back as Phil spread it over his fingers and stretched Dan’s hole out to prepare.

He let out a loud moan as he flicked his wrist out faster, thinking of more and more details to turn him on. Soon he had begun stretching himself out and massaging his prostate to get him closer to the edge for the camera.

“Fuuuck,” he moaned, a little dramatically for the video. He seethed and thrusted his fingers in an upward position. 

Back to the bath situation, he thought about how fucking hard he would ride Phil. He’d dig his nails into Phil’s shoulders as his hips grinded into his. He’d beg for Phil to pull his hair and bite his neck and buck his hips up. He’d be loud and wailing for him, and water would splash out of the tub, leaving the floor slippery and wet. He’d have swollen lips from kissing him so hard. That made him breathe heavily out of his nose.

Something in Dan’s mind allowed him to imagine Phil jerking him off and fingering him instead of himself, and it was a very erotic thought. He imagined his bright blue eyes looking up at him to make sure everything he was doing was okay, his slender fingers slipping in and out of his hole, his big hand enveloping his cock and stroking it…

With a loud, raspy moan, he tilted his head back as his orgasm hit him. He seethed as he came up onto his stomach and chest, then panted, opening his eyes. Mike ended the recording and the main lights came back on. His cheeks and chest flushed, Dan moved his hands away from himself. 

“Good work, Dan!” Alex congratulated him, completely normal, which again, was very new to Dan, but he’d just have to adapt if he wanted to make a career out of this. Alex got Dan a towel and robe seemingly out of nowhere and said, “Would you like to shower?”

“That’d be great, thanks,” Dan answered as if everything was fine, accepting the towel and wiping himself off. He picked up his stuff and was led to a bathroom with a shower by Alex. 

He took his time in the quite fancy shower they had, admiring the decorated tiles and such. Dan had felt like the video hadn’t lasted very long, sort of like he had gotten out of the way, but it was a nice, new experience. Finishing humming a tune, Dan allowed his body to rinse off, his nerves circling the drain with the soap suds.

After his shower, he put his clothes back on and went back out of the room to look for Alex. Peeking around the rooms, he finally found him in a different room where him and a team of editors were working on Dan’s video. The door was halfway opened, but he politely knocked anyway.

All of the editors and Alex turned to face Dan the second they heard the knock, which made Dan a little nervous. He awkwardly smiled and chuckled.

“You did a fantastic job, Dan, it seemed very natural, and will be very successful on our website, I can tell,” Alex complimented as the editors focused their attention back on the computer screen.

“Thank you, I really appreciate this opportunity,” Dan answered.

“It’s nothing, I’m just trying to get another name into the industry, one that is very accepting and encourages our workers to reach their goals,” Alex smiled. “I’m very proud of you, Dan. Do you have anyone else that could be proud of you?”

Dan shook his head, biting his lip. Luckily, Alex didn’t ask about the person he was seeing. 

“Well, if there’s no one else, I’m proud,” Alex assured him, “Are you looking forward to the magazine print?”

“Absolutely,” Dan answered honestly, “I’m excited to see what people think of it.”

“Me too,” Alex said, “It’ll help a lot of people here get their names out there. Yours, as well, I just don’t think I’ve had anyone be so successful as you at such a young age and with such little time.”

“Thank you,” Dan said again.

“Well, I’d better get back to helping with the editing, we’ll let you know before we upload it,” Alex said, then stuck out his hand for Dan to shake. Dan shook it, then he headed back home.

Dan hadn’t checked his phone since he had been on the train to the studio, so he checked it while he was heading back toward his apartment. He had a few texts from Phil.

Phil: Hiii  
Phil: Do you want to hang out today?

Then a few minutes later:

Phil: I forgot you were working today. Oops

Then about an hour after that:

Phil: I went to try and bring you a coffee at work but they told me you weren’t there?

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Dan answered with his fingers trembling the whole time, but the lie came quick and easy.

Dan: yeah lol sorry they had me working in the back all day haha. i’m heading home now, is that coffee still warm?

Phil: No I had to pour it out :(  
Phil: But if you come over I’ll make you some new warm coffee and we can cuddle and play Mario Kart

That had gone so much better than it could have. Phil could have spoken to his manager and had her tell him that Dan wasn’t on the schedule today, nor had he clocked in. Fuck. That was so close that Dan’s heart was beating so loud he could hear it in his eardrums.

Dan: okay, i’ll go over to yours instead <3

Should he try and back up his lie a little bit? He decided to do so.

Dan: i missed you a lot while working in the back bc a muse song came on the radio :3

That should support it enough. Maybe his lie was being supported by a twig, but it was supporting it.

Phil: Aww bear  
Phil: We can listen to tons of Muse when you come over

Dan: promise?

Phil: I promise ^_^

Dan: okay. i should be there soon <3 

Dan arrived at Phil’s apartment shortly, being enveloped in a warm hug as soon as he entered. He giggled, dropping his backpack onto the floor and wrapping his arms around him. Phil let them sway.

“I’ve been worried about you,” Phil admitted, holding him like he was fragile. 

Dan moved back a little so he could look into his eyes and ask, “Why?”

“Because the last time we hung out you got drunk and ended up having a breakdown,” Phil told him.

“That was my fault for suggesting we go to a bar, and also my fault for buying too many drinks,” Dan pecked a kiss to his nose.

“Yeah, you just seemed so upset though, I love you and care about you so much, it scared me,” Phil said, “But it helped me understand you better now. I’m sorry about all your trauma. I’m here for you, always, no matter what.”

Dan smiled, tilting his head and kissing him. Phil rubbed his hands up Dan’s back, then pulled away softly. 

“Where’s your Tesco uniform?” Phil asked, placing his hands where the collar would normally be.

“Oh, I changed,” Dan said quickly, suspiciously quickly. Fuck. He slowed down, “After work.”

Phil nodded, seeming to understand. He then took Dan into his kitchen to make coffee. After their coffees, they laid sprawled out across Phil’s sofa and played Mario Kart, swearing and shouting sarcastic insults at each other.

“Dammit, I’m getting a blue shell,” Dan grumbled, intensely focused on the screen.

“That was me,” Phil said, giggling with his tongue poking out. Dan groaned and playfully shoved him as he got hit by the blue shell, which caused him to be behind by three places.

This was nice. It was distracting, and Dan should just be enjoying the moment. But he couldn’t help but think about the magazine arriving on lots of people’s doorsteps and in store shelves and elsewhere in two days. The race was fine, but as soon as it was over, Dan was getting nervous about things. 

He was starting to worry about his secret, as if it were written on his forehead. Most likely, Phil wouldn’t see anything about the magazine, but there was still lots of room to worry. For some reason, his brain started imagining scenarios of his parents or Phil or his work finding out. As the next race loaded, he thought about Phil finding out and coming over angry and pissed off, yelling at him and telling him off like his parents did. That would be the worst betrayal of his life. 

His brain couldn’t think of a more realistic situation where Phil would actually be nice and understanding. It was all negative and toxic. He pictured screaming and fighting, crying and breaking down, throwing and slamming things. In his head, he could hear Phil accusing him harshly of lying, telling him he hated him and that he never should have loved him, everything that he was so afraid of. 

“What the fuck is this?” he imagined Phil screaming, slamming the magazine with Dan’s face on the cover. Dan would barely be able to defend himself, crying, whimpering and begging for him to stop being so upset with him. He would probably compare Phil to his parents, and talk about how everyone hated him and he deserved to die and nobody truly cared about him. Maybe he was being dramatic, but that was genuinely what he felt every time he fought with his parents.

That couldn’t happen. He didn't want to lose Phil. He was doing everything in his power not to lose him by lying so much. As much as it hurt, Dan would lie as much as he needed to to protect himself and keep Phil close to him. His parents, however - he didn’t love them like he did Phil - but it was nice to have some sort of fatherly and motherly roles in his life.

“Dan?” Phil asked, gently tapping his shoulder. Dan jumped, looking over at him.

“Wh-what?” Dan squeaked.

“I asked what track you wanted, it’s your turn to pick,” Phil answered, “Are you okay? You sort of spaced out.”

Dan sighed, setting the controller down and rubbing his eyes. “No. I was daydreaming things that make me upset like I always do to ruin things, I’m so fucking annoying, I’m so sorry.”

“Dan, no, it’s alright,” Phil said softly, setting his controller down as well and scooting over to him. “What...what’s wrong? Did something happen at work?”

“No, it’s just me being stupid,” Dan crossed his arms.

“Your feelings aren’t stupid,” Phil assured him, “Come here.”

Hesitantly, Dan crawled over to accept Phil holding him in his lap. Phil held him delicately, which calmed Dan’s nerves. Dan nuzzled his face into Phil’s neck, “I was just overthinking…”

“About what, bear?” Phil asked.

“A lot of things...some of it being my parents, but...mostly my relationship with you,” Dan admitted, “I’m so afraid that one day we won’t be together anymore and I’ll have no one else. You comfort me and protect me and without you, I would be all alone.”

“Why wouldn’t we be together anymore?” Phil questioned, petting his hair.

How could Dan lie but be honest at the same time? He could be non-descriptive, maybe…

“That one day you’ll figure something out about me that you’ll hate me for and you’ll want to never talk to me ever again and you’ll regret ever loving me,” Dan whispered, trying not to spill too much. “I just have endless scenarios in my head of us getting into a huge fight and never seeing each other again.”

“Why would that ever happen?” Phil asked softly, holding his cheek and making Dan look up at him.

“I dunno...I’m being dumb, just...remember how I said there are things I’m afraid to tell you?” Dan squeaked.

“Yeah, of course,” Phil said, “Is it about that?”

“Mhm,” Dan answered.

“You don’t have to tell me...but if it’s something really bad I need to know, okay?” Phil requested, “Like, you’re not hurting yourself on purpose or anything are you? Or having drug problems? Or did your parents abuse you?”

Of course Phil would think it might be that. Dan was just being ridiculous and attention seeking. He should’ve kept his mouth shut so they could just keep playing Mario Kart.

“No, none of that,” Dan promised, “It sounds so stupid now. It doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t know what there would be for me to figure out about you that would make me so mad to never talk to you again,” Phil said truthfully, “Like, I genuinely can’t think of anything. And you promised a while ago that you would never cheat on me. So I really don’t get how it’s a big deal.”

“For me it is,” Dan said softly, “I’m sorry, I’m being stupid. Can we just keep playing?”

“Dan-“ Phil started.

“Maple Treeway,” Dan cut him off.

“What?” Phil asked, confused.

“Maple Treeway. That’s the track I want to do. Let’s just keep playing,” Dan huffed at his own stupidity, climbing off of Phil to grab his controller again. Awkwardly, Phil settled back into his side of the couch, picking up his controller and choosing the track.

Dan fucking did it again. He fucking dipped his toes into the water but didn’t dare submerge anything else in. Phil was going to be curious and questioning now. Great.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really sorry this is so late. these chapter notes are accidentally really long but i wrote a tldr at the end if you have time. also please check out the calendar i put
> 
> i needed to catch up on writing and i finally managed to do so but i'm sorry it took so long, a lot of stuff has been going on! in the past couple months i've had a kidney n yeast infection, lots of medication changes, a shit ton of anxiety n more excuses i'm forgetting. i'm thankful i haven't been that depressed but it's been A Lot, Folks.
> 
> in short, my anxiety has gotten so bad that it is most likely going to hold me back from being able to accomplish one of my major goals that i've been wanting to achieve for a long time. i want it so bad, but my anxiety's getting to the point where it is dangerous and damaging both physically and mentally to my health, and it is going to get worse. it's been all i've been able to think about and i feel like if i'm not going to be able to accomplish it i will have nothing and have wasted a lot of my and other people's time. it fucking sucks. so i'm sorry that it's consuming me so much that it prevents me from giving you guys good content often enough and i really wish it wasn't happening. i don't want to go fully in depth bc i know you guys didn't come to read my life story you came to read btm but hopefully that explains a bit
> 
> i promise that my inspiration and drive to write has not died. i write every single day, even if it's just a sentence. i am daydreaming scenes and narrating them in my head for hours - while bored in class, before i go to bed, riding in the car. i love to write and i honestly don't feel like i'm overwhelming myself by writing a lot. i want to write. it helps me let out my creativity and my emotions. i don't feel like i'm being extremely pressured to write, and it doesn't feel like a chore. if i could, i would do it way more often, but there's only so much i can do as an almost 17 year old student that doesn't have a lock on her bedroom door and nobody in my house believes in knocking 90% of the time and my mom is suspicious of me writing so i have to be extra careful. so don't worry about that.
> 
> this is more of a reminder: i will never abandon better than me. i know how upsetting it is to be reading a really good fic and you're a decent amount of chapters in and you realize it was last updated a year ago. i would never do that because i know how much a lot of you appreciate my writing and are genuinely hooked on the story and i am very very very thankful for that. i will finish this fic. if my phone gets taken away, i will find a way to update. if i become hospitalized (which hopefully won't happen but ya girl has medical problems) i will find a way to update. if i lose all electronic access i will write on paper and mail it to someone to update for me. if i get taken to jail for some reason i will carve a chapter in the stone in the wall. (okay maybe that's a stretch and i don't do anything that would end up with me going to jail but you get what i mean)
> 
> if you're worried about me not updating or want to be more in the know, i don't mean this as a plug to brag about followers or any of that crap but i'm going to try to post to my conversation board on here more and i post about btm on my instagram story sometimes 
> 
> i think my problem with btm specifically is that i have like 100+ docs in my drive so it's easy to get distracted about ideas i have for potentially future fics (so i have about 4 aus in total that i write about) and i love btm of course but sometimes i just get in the mood to write about something else for a little bit. plus with the other fics i have music playlists for them so it's easier for me to kind of get myself into the mood and to get inspired but i unfortunately don't have one for btm and i have no idea what songs to put in one. and the fact that i try extremely hard to make each chapter my best work, so it's very time consuming, you'd be surprised at how long it takes to write a few paragraphs yet an entire chapter. i go back and edit constantly so i hope that shows i really try
> 
> i really like the next few chapters bc i planned them out very well and didn't really need to make up stuff as i went lmao. i hope you guys like it - a lotta fluff with pinches of angst n the next chapter sumn else
> 
> let's see who can find out what the song dan sings is. also thank you to my dear friendo who came up with an important part in this chapter. go check out her amazing, adorable art on instagram: @futurebunnyfluff n get her to 1k!!!
> 
> also i'm sorry i feel like every chapter ends with them falling asleep i'm bad at transitions
> 
> one last important thing, dates haven't really mattered much in this fic so far but they do for the next two weeks in btm time so i’ll put dates that explains when everything is going on, each chapter i will update it and hopefully it won't be confusing

Throughout December, Dan had actually been having a really good month. He had hung out with Phil a lot (making sure he stayed sober) and they had done a few more sexual things, which was hot of course, but Dan was still afraid to tell Phil some of what he really wanted. He didn't want to push Phil and try to get him to actually fuck him if it made him uncomfortable, but apparently he had given it away with his eyes a couple of times, and Phil had said, "Not yet, my love."

Also, Dan had avoided his family pretty well. His father had only called once since their argument while baking cookies with Phil, and that time Dan was genuinely working at Tesco. Otherwise, he didn't really contact them, and he had sent all of his Christmas gifts to them in Wokingham just in time.

The magazine had ended up being incredible. Not only did Dan have a full page of just him, but he was in a series of photos on more pages, including one article that talked about his first time doing a video with Gay UK. That video was supposed to be uploaded sometime in the new year. The magazine was absolutely perfect cover to cover and was everything Dan (and hopefully Alex) had dreamed it would be. As soon as Dan had finished "reading" through it after it had ended up on his doorstep, he checked his blog, which was flooded with messages and posts all about him. Dan enjoyed the attention.

More than one porn website had addressed him, tagging him and posting about how well the photos were of him. His blog and private website were struck with immense popularity, and Dan was raking in money in his PayPal account. Not only did he get paid a thousand pounds for the video they'd recorded, but he was getting royalties from each magazine sold, as well. He was just so excited with how well everything had gone, and he was about to text Phil when he realized.

Oh.

He couldn't tell Phil. He couldn't express how proud of himself he was, or sarcastically brag about how much money he was making, or any of that. Phil couldn't know any of this, because Dan had it set in his mind that Phil would be angry and upset with him if he knew about it. This excitement was almost harder to suppress than anything else he'd ever felt before, and he was so close to telling Phil, but he knew he had to hold himself back. He knew he had to be the net to catch himself before he plunged into that deep abyss of Phil finding out. It was much safer that way.

Dan had managed to keep his secret all throughout December, and it was practically killing him, but he had to remind himself time and time again how upset Phil would be if he knew. So he kept it to himself, even when it was awkward and there was nothing to talk about on the train ride to Manchester.

He had other things to worry about than the magazine and all of that anxiety regarding the secret. Dan was meeting Phil's parents, it was December the 23rd. He checked the time on his phone. In less than an hour, actually - they were supposed to be arriving around four.

Nervously bouncing his leg, he looked around the train at everyone wrapped tightly in their warm winter clothes. He was all bundled up in a coat, gloves and fuzzy hat he'd found again too, and the weather had predicted snow. He then looked at Phil who was slightly snuggled against him, listening to music. Dan gently removed one earbud from Phil's ear and put it into his own, and together they hummed along to the Christmas songs until the train unboarded.

By the time Dan was about to check the time again, Phil told him that they were there, right in the Manchester-Piccadilly train station. His heart felt funny with nerves as he got his stuff out of the luggage compartment and walked out with Phil to the station. 

"They'll be here any minute now," Phil smiled, seeming excited as he checked his phone. Dan looked around for about two minutes until he saw a man and woman rushing over to Phil, wrapping him in a huge, cozy hug.

Phil hugged them just as tightly back, "Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad!"

"Hello, Philip," his dad said, patting his shoulder in their hug. Phil bent down so that Kath could kiss his head sweetly. As they greeted each other, Dan awkwardly stood off to the side until they stopped. 

"And who might this be?" Kath asked, smiling and turning her attention to Dan. Phil watched fondly as Dan and his mother hugged. "It's very nice to meet you, Dan."

"You as well, ma'am," Dan said, hoping he sounded polite and not obnoxiously posh. 

"Ma'am. What a gentleman," Kath commented, "I told you dear, it's alright if you just call me Kath."

"Ok-kay," Dan stuttered, blushing. He smiled down at her, noting how much she looked like Phil, then looked up at Phil's father. Luckily, Dan didn't feel intimidated at all by him, even though he probably should be. He had a warm, welcoming grin and he held out his gloved hand for Dan to shake.

"Nigel," Phil's dad said.

"Nigel," Dan repeated with a bit of an awkward chuckle, "Nice to meet you, sir, I'm Dan."

Phil giggled a little, watching the two interact. They talked loudly over the sounds of the trains for a while before Phil suggested they go to their car.

Dragging his luggage along, Dan walked beside Phil and his mum, who were talking about Phil's mysterious brother that Dan had never met or talked to before.

"Martyn's driving here, so he'll be here a little bit later," Kath explained, "With Cornelia too, of course."

"I hope Martyn likes me," Dan said, looking at Phil for approval.

"He will," Phil assured him, adjusting his heavy bag on his shoulder. 

Once they made it to the Lester family car, Phil helped his mum pop open the trunk to stuff their heavy luggage in. When Dan had trouble lifting his suitcase, Nigel helped, making Dan a little embarrassed. 

"Sorry about that, sir," Dan apologized quickly, nervously bouncing on his feet.

"No worries, Dan," Nigel said, "You'd better get in the car, your ears look like they're freezing even with that hat."

Dan nodded, walking to the side of the car to see Phil opening the door for him. He cast Phil a smile and a quick thank you before climbing in. After Dan and Phil both settled in and buckled themselves into their seats, Dan sent Phil a quick text.

Dan: i'm so nervous

Kath and Nigel got in and buckled up right as Phil answered.

Phil: Baby

Dan read it as he felt Phil reach his hand out to hold his. Beaming, Dan looked up at Phil as he sent another text, taking a while to type from only using one hand.

Phil: It'll be okay, they'll just ask general questions, make sure you're treating me well/I'm treating you well, etc  
Phil: Tell them whatever you want, bear  
Phil: I told them your family and university are touchy subjects for you and to only ask about it if you bring it up

Dan: oh my god. i'm going to cry. i don't deserve you

Dan felt Phil squeeze his hand.

Phil. You do.  
Phil: I <3 you

Dan: i <3 you too

Phil: Also  
Phil: Please don't swear

Dan: okay i won't lol

"So, Dan, where are you from?" Kath asked after their little moment. She glanced back to Dan, smiling. "Not London, are you?"

"I'm from Wokingham, actually, it's near Reading," Dan explained.

"I think I've been there before," Nigel said as he started to drive away from the train station.

"Do you like it there?" Kath inquired.

"Um...not really," Dan admitted, "But that's why I'm excited to be here!"

Why did this feel like a job interview, where he had to turn everything negative into something positive?

"We promise to make it fun and enjoyable for you, Dan, think of it as a Lester family hotel," Nigel said jokingly.

"Speaking of hotel, we should discuss sleeping arrangements..." Kath suggested, "Philip, it's been a while since you've brought anyone 'round, and Dan's never visited before, so I'll remind you..."

"Muuuum," Phil whined adorably. "We're not gonna...do anything."

"I never said that," Kath tutted, "I was just going to say that you are allowed to share a bed, as long as you keep PDA to a minimum. And Phil, before you get onto me, I tell your brother and Cornelia the exact same thing."

"I know," Phil answered softly, making Dan giggle a little.

"Don't worry, I would consider 'doing anything' being the behavior of a rude house guest," Dan said, hoping that didn't make him sound like he was kissing their asses. Was he trying to? Maybe a little. Okay, he was totally fucking kissing their asses.

"Have I mentioned how much I like Dan already?" Nigel teased, making Dan blush and Phil laugh.

"I like him too," Phil said cheekily, squeezing his hand again in replacement of a kiss. "A lot."

"Is Phil treating you well, sweetheart?" Kath asked Dan.

"Muuum," Phil complained.

"Yes," Dan responded with a giggle. "He treats me wonderfully. Like a prince."

"Just checking," Kath said.

"You don't have to worry about anything, Kath," Dan promised, smiling at Phil who seemed distracted.

"I hope we get a white Christmas," Phil mentioned, watching outside the window of the car.

"I do too," Dan agreed quietly.

Once they arrived to Phil's parents' home, Nigel helped Dan with his luggage again. He unlocked the door for everyone to go inside, following behind.

"Nigel, set a fire, would you please?" Kath asked, removing her coat and walking into the living room. Phil showed Dan where he could put his coat, hat, gloves and shoes by the door, then led him upstairs to his bedroom.

It felt somewhat magical to see Phil's bedroom in person after seeing it in a lot of older YouTube videos he'd watched from him. The blue and green striped wall, the green-blue-white bedspread similar to the one Phil had in his current apartment, the wardrobe with pictures all over it, the desk with clutter, the posters on the wall - it was all iconic and absolutely, perfectly Phil.

"Do you like it?" Phil asked, setting his suitcase down in front of the window. 

"Yeah, it's very...you," Dan gazed around at the room, "Erm, where can I put my things?"

"Here, next to mine," Phil said, helping Dan set them down. "Jesus, your suitcase is heavy."

"It's full of presents," Dan smiled, "Mostly for you."

"How many times did I tell you not to spoil me?" Phil teased, watching Dan set down his backpack.

"I can't help it," Dan said and stepped closer to him, hugging him tight, "Plus, maybe I wasn't exactly listening to you."

"You should more often," Phil murmured, hugging back. 

"True, but you've bought me loads of things in the past couple months," Dan reasoned.

"I suppose I have," Phil purred, his hands slowly running down Dan's back to hold his bum.

"Your mum said we can't do anything," Dan squeaked.

"We're not, darling," Phil whispered, tauntingly rubbing, "Not yet, anyway."

"Not yet? What do you mean-"

"PHILIP!" Kath called from downstairs. Phil sighed, placing a kiss on Dan's cheek, then backing away to answer her. 

Dan paused for a moment to think. What did Phil mean by not yet?

"Yes, Mum?" he asked loudly.

"Come help me make dinner, please!" she answered back.

"I haven't given Dan a house tour yet!" Phil slightly whined. Dan chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Alright! No more than ten minutes!" she agreed.

Phil first started by showing the upstairs, like where to use the bathroom, and what Martyn's and his parents' rooms looked like. He was going quite in depth with some places, but Dan didn't mind, he seemed happy to tell him. As the tour of Phil's family home commenced, Dan couldn't help but think their house looked a lot like the one in The Shining. It was a little creepy, but mostly homely and comforting. They said hello again to Phil's parents in the kitchen and he showed Dan where he could get his dirty laundry cleaned, then Phil led Dan to the living room, where the first thing Dan noticed was a beautiful, old piano.

Phil was talking about the room, but Dan wasn't paying attention much, as his focus was being taken by the piano. A thick layer of dust was on top of it. He curiously ran his fingers across the wood to remove the dust, then wiped his hand off onto his jeans.

"Oh, the piano?" Phil asked as Dan sat down on the bench, "Yeah, we've had that for years, but nobody can play much..."

"I can," Dan said softly, looking back at him.

"You can? Why didn't I know this?" Phil asked with a chuckle. Dan lifted the cover, brushing off the dust on the keys with his hand.

"I dunno, I haven't played in a long time, probably since I moved," Dan said as he tapped a couple of keys experimentally.

"You should play something," Phil said as he sat at the bench beside him, "Do you remember how to play anything?"

"Hm...I used to know all of Moonlight Sonata when I was fourteen," Dan said, beginning to play what he could remember. He played with his soft sweater sleeves being high on his hands like paws, getting mesmerized in the music. 

It had been a while since he had actually sat down to play, and he didn't think he had even taken his keyboard from home out of the box in his new apartment yet. Getting lost in the song, he had realized that he had forgotten how calming and nice it was to be focusing on something else, yet he didn't have to focus much, as it came somewhat naturally. His slender fingers lightly tapped the keys as he played, and he shut his eyes, trying to make it sound well enough to impress Phil.

When he got to a point where he started forgetting, he slowly stopped, opening his eyes again and sheepishly chuckling. He turned his head to see Phil beside him, absolutely beaming. Phil clapped, his smile wide and his tongue poking out of his teeth.

"That was amazing!" Phil cheered, "Dan, you're really talented! I bet it's really difficult but you make it look so easy!"

"That one is pretty easy," Dan admitted, then continued to play more songs, just because it was fun, but also maybe just a tiny bit to impress Phil and his family. He played Sunburn, Fur Elise, the Rugrats theme song, a bit of a song that was very fast, and then Ingenue.

"This one I know really well, it's repetitive but pretty," Dan told Phil, beginning to play Ingenue. He stared down at his fingers as he played, occasionally looking up to see Phil, who was completely enamored by his piano playing. 

Once he had finished, Dan told Phil about the next song he was going to play. Pursing his lips, he began a song, hoping that Phil would enjoy it. He tried to focus all of his attention and energy as he played their upright piano, aiming to capture the emotions in his notes. 

Phil wrapped his arm around him gently, resting his head on Dan's shoulder. Dan couldn't help but smile as he leaned his head against Phil's. He then started to quietly sing:

Me and you are meant to be  
Like stars in the sky  
And leaves on the trees  
When times are tough  
I want you to think  
Of you in my arms  
Me kissing your cheek

Smiling wide, Phil placed a kiss on Dan's head as he continued playing and singing for him. Phil watched the graceful movements of his fingers play fondly, closing his eyes and taking in the beautiful sound.

They say all good things have an end  
So will it be heartbreak or death?  
Maybe we can last beyond all time  
My hand in yours  
And your hand in mine

The lyrics made Dan realize that he was so thankful for Phil. He made him so happy. Phil helped him when he needed to be grounded and calmed down, he bought him things, he spent time with him, he listened to him, he was just perfect. His nerves were gone at the moment, projecting out from the keys and leaving his body. This time, for once, he didn't feel too anxious to whisper, "I love you," without any stuttering or hesitation like he normally did. He had forgotten about his insecurity for lying.

Just as Phil was about to kiss him, Kath announced, "Well, I was going to stop you to come help get the table ready, but I couldn't help but allow Dan to continue his beautiful piano playing."

They separated, looking back at Phil's mum and dad, who were now in the living room before them. Dan slowly dragged his fingers off of the keys, chuckling, "T-Thank you."

"What inspired you to start playing?" Nigel asked Dan with a smile.

"Honestly, I watched an episode of Arthur playing piano and it made me want to play," Dan answered as he turned around to face them, Phil following.

Phil chuckled, "You're joking?"

"Nope," Dan said seriously.

"How long have you been playing piano?" Kath asked. 

"Since I was...hmm...twelve? So six years," Dan replied. 

"Oh, that's right. I forgot you were only eighteen," Kath said, glancing at Phil, then back at Dan. Nigel also looked back and forth between them, making Dan's cheeks start to tint pink. 

"Y-Yeah," Dan murmured, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

"I should've remembered, you have such an adorable baby face," Kath said as she stepped closer and pinched Dan's cheek. Dan just continued blushing, glancing at Phil, who was trying to get her to stop.

"Mum, stop, you're embarrassing him!" Phil gently pulled her away. "Let's just go have dinner."

"I'd hate to start without Martyn and Cornelia, have you heard from them?" Kath asked Phil.

"He texted a few minutes ago saying they'll be here in ten," Phil said as he checked his phone. 

"Perfect," Kath answered, "Why don't we hear Dan play some more piano then?"

Dan played a few more songs from Final Fantasy as they waited for Martyn and Cornelia to arrive, expertly tapping the keys and completely focusing on the song. 

"I love Tifa's Theme," Phil said as Dan played the slow song, "It's a beautiful song, isn't it?"

"It is," Dan smiled. As soon as he finished, the doorbell was ringing, signifying the arrival of Martyn and Cornelia. 

Dan couldn't help but wonder - was Martyn scary? Was he big and buff and broad, and was he going to threaten Dan if he ever dared to hurt Phil?

Kath opened up the door as Dan and Phil stood and walked into the entryway. 

"Hello!" Kath cheered, and they all shared their hugs and kisses. Cornelia was a beautiful woman with her hair cut short with ginger curls and beautiful makeup, and Martyn was just as tall and lanky as Phil, but he looked more like their dad.

"Are you Dan?" Cornelia asked after she hugged Nigel. Dan nodded as she gave him a hug, then backed away with a huge smile. "It's very nice to meet you. I'm Cornelia, you may have guessed."

"Yes, I've heard lovely things about you," Dan chuckled. He looked to Martyn, who was eyeing him strangely. Martyn looked over to Phil, then flashed a seemingly fake smile.

"Hello, Martyn," Dan greeted, holding his hand out.

"Hi! Dan, correct?" Martyn asked as they shook hands.

"Yes, it's nice to meet you," Dan said.

"You as well," Martyn said a little awkwardly. After talking for a bit in the entryway, Kath insisted they go eat. Martyn and Cornelia shrugged off their coats and gloves and set their suitcases by the stairs to bring up later.

The group headed to the kitchen, where the table was neatly decorated with a meal, not a huge feast, but definitely not a simple snack, either. Dan and Phil sat next to each other, across from Martyn and Cornelia, then Kath and Nigel on the ends across from the other. 

"Let me know if I need to heat anything up," Kath said in a sing-song voice, making the table chuckle. They all filled their plates with the selection of things around the table, Dan deciding on what he wanted. 

"So, Martyn, what do you do for a living?" Dan tried to ask politely to engage conversation.

"I work at a store for now, we sell everything, mostly magazines. Children's magazines, religious magazines, fashion magazines...y'know...adult magazines..." Martyn said, sounding a bit passive aggressive. Dan gave him a strange look, but before he could talk Phil was speaking. 

"And comic books! Don't forget comic books," Phil said. 

"Right..." Martyn gave Dan a weird look back. 

Dan was confused. Why was Martyn acting weird? Dan didn't recall coming across as rude or anything.

"So what do you do, Dan?" Martyn asked.

"I work at Tesco, for now," Dan said. 

"He's figuring out what he wants to do," Phil filled in. 

"That's cool," Martyn pulled a smile for Phil.

The awkwardness going unnoticed, they continued to eat and engage in light conversation.

"What's it like working at Tesco?" Cornelia asked.

"It's interesting, but I like working there and helping people," Dan responded before taking a bite of his food. "The people I work with are nice, and it pays the bills until I figure out what I want to do."

"That's neat. What do you want to do, exactly?" she asked.

Dan tried with every bone in his body not to blush. He took a quick sip of water, then answered her, "Not quite sure. Something involving photography maybe."

Photography was his cover-up. He could sense Martyn's eyes on him for a moment, then back down at his plate.

"I see," Cornelia said as she ate. "Seems like Phil is perfect for you then!"

"Yeah, I guess so," Dan smiled, "What are you into?"

"Ooh, tell him about your music, Corn," Phil prompted.

"Music?" Dan asked curiously.

"Yeah, I sing! I have some music out there," Cornelia said.

"We discovered Dan plays piano really well," Kath told her.

"You could sing and play Christmas songs!" Phil said excitedly. Martyn chuckled at his younger brother.

"We totally could!" Cornelia laughed, "That'd be awesome!"

"I'd have to learn a Christmas song first, but yeah, that sounds like fun," Dan smiled. 

As Martyn nodded and took a sip of his water, Nigel asked, "What's your last name, Dan?"

"Oh. Sorry, I probably should've told you that before, but it's Howell," Dan answered, not realizing as Martyn choked on his sip of water. He looked at him right as Cornelia was checking if he was okay and patting his back.

"You alright?" Phil asked his brother.

"Mhm, 'm fine," Martyn swallowed. "Fine and dandy."

Once they finished eating, they all pitched in to help clean up. Martyn asked to be excused for a moment, giving Dan another look and lightly tugging his arm, pulling him away from the kitchen and out of earshot. Dan looked to make sure Phil couldn't hear, asking in a harsh whisper, "What the hell is your problem with me?"

"Please don't tell me that Phil doesn't know," Martyn hissed accusingly, his eyes boring into Dan's as he let him go.

"Doesn't know what?" Dan asked, looking a little frantic.

Martyn sighed and rubbed his nose with his thumb and index finger, "Mate. I tried to hint at you that I sell magazines at the store. Adult magazines. I've seen you on porn magazines, and I recognize your name from some guy asking if we had the issue with porn star Dan Howell in it."

"Fuck," Dan whispered, "You know, that I'm...like, a model?"

"That's one way to put it," Martyn chuckled, "But, yes, mate. I do."

"Okay, that's fine, you just cannot tell Phil!" Dan hissed.

"Why not?" Martyn asked through his teeth. 

"He doesn't know. He can't figure out, okay?" Dan whispered. 

"What, so you're keeping this this big secret?" Martyn's voice was raising as he spoke, "And he loves and trusts you? When you're lying to him?"

"Keep your voice down!" he seethed, "And yes, in a way, I am, but you cannot tell Phil about me!"

"I'm not allowed to tell my own brother his boyfriend is fucking other people? How about you not boss me around on how to be a good sibling," Martyn scoffed.

"I'm not - I'm not fucking anyone else, nor am I his boyfriend," Dan glared.

"I wonder why," Martyn said.

Dan rolled his eyes with a huff, "Look, I'm not seeing other people, just...other people are seeing me. Wait...no, not like that, I mean like..."

"Not helping your case here," he said.

"Just don't tell him, Martyn," Dan muttered.

"You expect me to just let you keep lying and breaking my little brother's heart like it's nothing?" Martyn growled. So maybe he was the kind of person that threatened Dan if he ever dared to hurt his younger brother.

"I'm not breaking his heart! I'm not meaning to! I'm-"

"Dan! Martyn! Mum's gonna put a Christmas movie on," Phil called, going to get them and take them into the living room. Dan let his tense muscles relax and he put on a smile. 

"What's she putting on, babe?" Dan asked sweetly, turning and not seeing Martyn roll his eyes. 

"A Christmas Story, I think," Phil smiled, "Come on, we can get a big fluffy blanket for the both of us."

"Okay," Dan answered as Phil led him to a closet in the hallway. He allowed Dan to pick out a big, fuzzy, dark green blanket and they went back into the living room.

"I'm going to go help Kath make hot chocolate for us," Cornelia said, heading back into the kitchen with Phil's mum.

"Sounds good," Phil said. Nigel was sitting in a recliner, messing with the remote to get the movie on. Martyn eventually had to kneel beside him and help set it up.

At one end of the large sofa was a place where Cornelia and Martyn were seemingly going to sit, so Phil invited Dan to the other end. They sat close as Phil draped the blanket cozily over their bodies, Dan smiling and gazing happily at Phil. It allowed Dan to finally let out a big sigh that he made sure sounded happy by adding a little hum. What the fuck was he going to do? 

In a few minutes time, Cornelia and Kath brought out hot chocolate for everyone. Upon receiving his mug, Dan made sure to politely thank Kath. Once all of the drinks were handed out, she got up and turned the main light off, making the room dark - not creepy dark, but cozy dark. Phil's body was warmly pressed against his, anyway, so Dan felt protected. Martyn clicked play for A Christmas Story and settled back into the other end of the couch with Cornelia. 

For a while, Dan had forgotten about Martyn and was just nervous about being able to cuddle Phil. He didn't know if it would be appropriate, and by the way Phil was glancing around every so often from the TV, then anxiously at Dan, he was deciding as well. It wasn't for a few more minutes before Dan and Phil finished their hot chocolate, setting the mugs down onto the coffee table. When Dan sat back against the couch, Phil looked over again and opened his arms out. 

"Are you sure?" Dan whispered, looking up into his eyes, he was slouching a bit.

"Yeah. Mum and Dad and Corn and Mar are," Phil whispered back. Dan then snuggled into Phil, all of his limbs wrapped completely around him with his head tucked into his neck. Phil just chuckled fondly, running his hands gently through Dan's hair. With his other hand, he held Dan's back and traced patterns into it.

"Did you just spell something?" Dan asked as the Parker family received their infamous leg lamp.

"Can you guess what I spelled?" Phil murmured quietly.

"I dunno. D-A-N?" 

"No. It was I-L-Y."

Thank god it was dark, because Dan's cheeks were flushed. He warmly smiled, cuddling closer into Phil and listening to his calming heartbeat. It wasn't even actual Christmas Day and he had decided that this was already a million times better than any Christmas he'd shared with his family. But maybe Dan was being dramatic, who knew.

Everything was so perfect and all the puzzle pieces were in the right places except for one. Every one but the one that represented the little tiff that Dan had experienced with Phil's brother. Dan didn't have anything against Martyn, he seemed like a nice guy who treated Cornelia well and was a supportive brother to Phil, but he would have something against Martyn if he told Phil about Dan's secret.

It made Dan's sweat glands burn in fear just thinking about. Would Phil believe him? Would Phil be mad at both Martyn and Dan if he figured out? Would Martyn tell Phil's parents too? Oh god. Dan didn't really believe in a god, nor was he very religious in general, but he prayed and prayed and prayed that Martyn wouldn't snitch on him. That would not be pleasant, especially on Christmas. Surely Martyn wouldn't ruin the happy atmosphere, right?

Once the movie was over, Dan was having a hard time staying awake. His head rolled forward as he closed his eyes, and he had to quickly wake himself up. Someone turned on a lamp, and he looked around to see everyone getting up and ready for bed.

"Sleepy?" Phil asked softly. Dan tiredly nodded, and they got up upstairs. He needed to shower. The group shared their goodnights and I love yous, walking off to their rooms.

Once they got to Phil's bedroom, Phil turned on the lamp and changed into emoji pajama bottoms, making Dan giggle. Dan went to take a short shower. He wrapped towels around himself with only boxers on and went back to Phil's room. Just as Phil came back from taking his contacts out, Dan got his toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag and headed to the bathroom.

"Daaan, do you have to brush your teeth? I wanna cuddle," Phil whined.

"I'll be two minutes," Dan answered, leaving his bedroom momentarily. "I must have a minty mouth before I go to bed."

As he walked down the hallway, he realized that the light was on in the bathroom. Like before, he didn't have anything against Martyn, it would just be really awkward if they bumped into each other, especially with Dan like this...he honestly expected everyone to be in bed already. He couldn't tell Phil he had a bit of a tiff with his brother, because Phil would ask why, and his secret might be spilled...he'd best just leave Martyn alone and keep praying that he wouldn't say anything. He wondered if Phil could tell that there was an awkward vibe between him and Martyn. Luckily, it was Cornelia who exited the bathroom, not Martyn. 

"Oh, Dan, did I keep you waiting? I'm sorry, I had makeup to take off!" she supplied.

"It's alright," Dan blushed and assured her, then watched her go back to Martyn's room, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Dan."

After having a minty mouth, Dan went back in Phil's room and sat on his bed to kick off his towels. Noticing Phil had taken off his shirt, he got up from the bed to pick his towel up, pausing when Phil announced, "Oh my god, your boxers are so cute. You're so cute."

Oh, yeah. He was wearing the Hello Kitty ones.

"Thanks," Dan said sheepishly, bending down to pick up his towel from off the floor. He didn't see Phil smirk until he turned around with his pajama bottoms in hand. Dan stuttered, "Wh-what?"

"You and your bum are adorable, come here," Phil said, gesturing for Dan as he sat on the bed. Dan set his pants down on the mattress and stood in front of Phil, who gently grabbed him by the bum to kiss him. 

Grinning through the entire kiss, Dan just kissed back, resting his hands on Phil's shoulders. He pulled away slowly, "We're not allowed to do anything. I promised your mum."

"I never said we were," Phil said, then caused Dan to squeak a little too loudly as he squeezed his ass. "Shhh."

"I'm not going to be able to shhh if you keep doing that," Dan whispered, their noses nuzzling against each other. He kissed Phil softly one more time before releasing from his grip to pull on the warm bottoms. "What did you mean earlier by 'not yet'?"

"Hmm?" Phil hummed.

"When we got here earlier, you also grabbed my ass and I also reminded you that we can't do anything, and you said 'not yet,'" Dan said, looking back at him.

"Did I?" Phil asked with a smirk.

"Yes, you did, you cheeky little shit," Dan teased.

"Hmm...I'm afraid I don't recall," Phil giggled.

"Shut up, you twit," Dan laughed as he finished getting dressed, putting on one of his thinner sweaters. Phil gazed up at him fondly, and as soon as Dan was done, he grabbed his waist to pull him into his lap. Dan kept laughing as he straddled him, holding the sides of his face and kissing his nose while joking, "I hate you. You and your secrets."

"They'll be worth waiting for," Phil promised.

"I trust you," Dan whispered.

"I trust you, too."

Dan's smile faded ever so slightly.

"How do you want to cuddle, then?" Phil asked nonchalantly, pulling off the covers slightly so they could get underneath them.

"Spoon please," Dan said. Phil nodded, getting into the covers and scooting close to the wall so that Dan would have plenty of room. Dan crawled into the sheets after him, then turned over to shut off the lamp.

As soon as Dan got settled, Phil wrapped his arms around his waist to hold him against his chest, making Dan smile and emit a happy noise.

"Goodnight, Dan, I love you, bear," Phil murmured into his neck.

"Goodnight, my love," Dan mumbled back with a cheesy smile, "I love you too."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter notes: before i start i just want to say that this chapter (and - tbh - this fic) is HEAVILY inspired by the amazing fic too tense to be undone by auroraphilealis
> 
> also this is the moment everyone has probably been waiting for. well one of them. not the main one in my opinion
> 
> okay i have to tell you guys a lil bit of a spoiler bc i have something to say about it
> 
> it’s my first full actual sex scene. like full on anal lmao. this is my first finished one ever...i went back a few (and by a few i mean like 5000) times to edit (even to this last minute) this of course, but yeah. i tried really hard ;) i used a lot of articles, masterposts, guides, other smut and more……..visual references to make this my best and i think (???) i did a good job but can you guys give me feedback please? like lmk when you find something hot, awkward when it’s not supposed to be, well written, etc. i’ve only written one other full smut scene since i started this one and the newer one is way kinkier (cough oops cough also it’s for somethin else not btm soz) and with this one i wanted it to be a lot more heartfelt, romantic, perfectly imperfect and a good insight on their relationship while still being hot at the same time and i tried to be somewhat “realistic” but tbh it’s fanfiction smut so like that gets thrown out the window a lil bit
> 
> but lmk how i did so i can improve my smut in the future! i’ve been soooooo scared to go in complete detail like i’ve been wanting to with this fic for a long time. like really really really anxious. i’m even really gonna be embarrassed after. i finally did it though !!! (when i’m done i might even go back and make the earlier smut scenes more smutty) so please give me your thoughts thanksssss :) your feedback helps more than you’ll ever know <3
> 
> also this is the longest chapter so far at like 15k+ words so enjoy that
> 
> -floof

Dan slowly blinked his eyes open, seeing the sunlight pour into the room - Phil’s bedroom, to be exact. His chest was bare, he didn’t remember removing his jumper from last night but he must’ve gotten hot while sleeping. He looked around a little to discover that instead of cuddling Phil, he was cuddling a pillow, which was odd, because Phil should be there, somewhere. 

“Um...so, how long do you think you’ll be gone?” he heard Phil ask, maybe from outside his room. Dan cuddled the pillow close, pretending to still be asleep.

“About three hours, then we’ll pick you both up to go out for lunch,” Kath answered.

“Alright. Sounds good,” Phil said, “Bye, Mum, love you.”

“Bye, son, make sure you tell Dan we’ll be back, yeah?” Kath asked. 

“I will,” Phil promised.

“Okay. Love you, bye.”

“Love you too, Mum. Bye.”

Dan heard Phil quietly enter the room and make sure to close the door as softly as possible. Once he could sense Phil trying to climb back into bed, he opened his eyes and sleepily moved the pillow he was cuddling out of the way.

“Oh, you’re up?” Phil asked as Dan snuggled back into him. He had put on a soft sweater, which Dan was running his hands over to feel the cozy material.

“Mhm,” Dan mumbled, resting his head on Phil’s chest. “Had me worried for a second when you weren’t here with me.”

“I wasn’t very far, bear,” Phil said, his hand resting on Dan’s bare lower back, “I’ll never be very far from you.”

Dan smiled sleepily and asked, “What time is it?”

“Nine in the morning,” Phil told him, running his fingers teasingly up and down his spine, unknowingly giving Dan goosebumps. 

“Hm,” Dan answered, “So what was your mum talking about?”

“Oh, right,” Phil said, peeking up slightly to look out his bedroom window. He then settled back down, “I have something important to tell you.”

“Yeah?” Dan asked and looked up at him.

“We’re home alone for the next three hours,” Phil replied, gazing back into his soft, sleepy eyes.

“Are we?” Dan chuckled, “Implying something, Lester?”

“Well, I didn’t mean-“ Phil stammered, “If you don’t want to, I understand, I just thought this would be a nice time…”

“I’m kidding, Phil. I want to,” Dan whispered, nuzzling their noses together. “Want to fuck, I mean.” 

“Now’s the perfect time. I somehow convinced Martyn and Cornelia to go with them, too,” Phil whispered back, blushing.

“Perfect,” Dan said softly. He tilted his head slightly, closing his eyes and pressing his lips to Phil’s. Phil’s were warm and soft and they perfectly molded into Dan’s. For a second, Dan worried that saying “want to fuck” instead of something like “have sex” or “make love to you” was a little too rude and maybe made it seem like he didn’t care, but he let the thought push away for a while.

“I’ve wanted to do this for ages now,” Phil whispered softly against Dan’s lips once they withdrew from each other.

“Me too,” Dan admitted, smiling and humming.

“Dan...I was really worried I picked out a bad time,” Phil said quietly. His sleepy voice was almost gone, but it was still deep and warm.

“How come?” Dan questioned, his expression becoming a little concerned. He adjusted so that he could easily kiss his nose, looking down at him as he played with the fluffy sweater.

“I dunno, I just...didn’t know if you would be in the mood, or if you’d be worried about someone coming back and interrupting…”

“I am definitely in the mood...and there’s a very, very small chance of anyone disturbing us, why would they even come back in the first place?”

Dan leaned back a little to see Phil look away, then back at him and say, “Yeah...I guess it’s a stupid thought.”

“Not necessarily,” Dan mumbled, “We feel emotions for different reasons. Although the chance of us being ‘caught’ is very slim, there is still room for you to worry about it, so it makes sense,” he assured Phil, “If possible, I don’t want you to be focusing on that the whole time, though...I’m going to try to completely focus everything onto just us for the next two or three hours or so, without distractions.”

“I’ll try too,” Phil promised.

“I’m sorry I said ‘want to fuck’,” Dan finally apologized. He watched Phil look nervous for a minute, quickly touching his cheek and adding, “I meant that, like...I should’ve said something a little nicer and more romantic than ‘want to fuck.’ So I’ll say I want to make love to you instead.”

“Thanks,” Phil giggled.

Dan snickered playfully a little, peppering kisses onto his nose before their lips met again. He was fighting to get Phil’s lips open so he could press his tongue against his.

With their lips pressed, Dan could feel Phil starting to smirk. Pausing for a second, he smiled and chuckled, then went back to kissing him as Phil touched Dan’s neck and rubbed his side to keep him in place, but it wasn’t like Dan was going anywhere anytime soon.

Phil eventually rolled the two of them over so that he was on top of Dan, kissing him passionately as the sheets rustled underneath them. His hands slid up from Dan, above his head to pin him down at first. The way Phil’s arms kept Dan firmly down, not with extreme force but just enough for him to feel like he wasn’t allowed to move, had Dan softly moaning. He didn’t know if Phil was intentionally trying to ‘put him in his place’ or be dominant or anything, but whatever he was doing, he liked it, and let his arms lay out, his hands completely pliant and ready to take whatever Phil would give him. 

Dan gazed up at Phil as he held his arms there for a little bit but then his arms went back to his warm body, which Dan was fine with, but that one moment just felt so short. He pulled away gently after a while, going around to kiss all over Dan’s face, his nose, his cheeks, his forehead - causing him to giggle adorably.

He continued to hold Dan - one arm behind his back keeping him up from the mattress a bit and the other rested beside him, delicately holding his head to bring him closer, caressing his fingers through his hair and tilting his head to reach his lips easily. It felt incredibly comfortable being held like that - like Dan was the most precious thing in the world to Phil, like he was the only thing he ever wanted to pay attention to, like he wanted to get closer and closer even if it was nearing impossible to do so.

Dan slid his hands up his chest to hold his jaw, both of their eyes closing to focus only on the two of them, blindly learning every inch of each others’ bodies. He let his head lean back against the pillow completely so that Phil could keep him there as they kissed on the lips again. Dan’s eyes fluttered open for a few moments - moments that were slowed down in time - he was taking everything in and smiling, his breaths becoming heavier. As they fluttered back shut, he stroked Phil’s chin jovially, giggling a little. Phil huskily chuckled, caressing Dan everywhere he could easily reach without moving too far away.

They shared breaths, Dan holding Phil’s face or rubbing his jaw and neck, and Phil bringing Dan closer by holding his head with one hand and the other wrapped behind his back to keep him up slightly. Dan felt calm, relaxed, like he was at home for some reason - not his physical home, with a yelling father and a disappointed mother and lies, just in a state of mind where he felt like he was finally happy and free and safe, lies temporarily thrown out of the window. None of this was a lie. His love and his attraction to Phil weren’t lies.

It was like he was new and innocent all over again, except this time instead of being thrown into the water without any way to float with a near stranger just to get the swimming over with, he was with Phil, which was much more meaningful. Dan wasn’t hopeless and basically drowning while the other could swim perfect laps. They were both swimming smoothly together.

Dan would stroke his thumb against his cheek, Phil would massage his palm into his side, everything felt comforting. It felt good, Dan noticed, and began to try and feel everything else, too - focusing on one sensation at a time to just be more thankful of the situation he was in. Phil’s fingers would tug near his roots and slowly loosen up the further they got, their bodies were rubbed up against each other, and their mouths.

All of the other ‘sexual’ kisses Dan had ever had before were nothing like this. All of those were to keep it going, to prevent awkward silence, to get the sex over with. This one, though - meant much, much more than that. He managed to open Phil’s mouth up enough to press their tongues together, they’d close their lips together, then open them back up and repeat the motions in a for-the-most-part steady rhythm together. It sent shocks through Dan’s veins to hear the wet smacking in his ears as he licked into his mouth, and it helped drown out everything else and the heat to travel low in his belly. 

Dan squeaked when Phil bumped his thigh in between his, smoothly getting his legs to spread apart. Rocking his hips upward, Dan brought his hand to Phil’s torso, sliding it up the sweater to pinch the skin. The other went around his back to grip onto his shoulder, gently pulling. As their lips collided and parted, Dan thought about how attractive everything was already and they had barely even started doing anything. Slowly slipping away, Phil guided his kisses down Dan’s neck, making his lips slip out a gasp and a tremor creep down his spine. 

“Cute,” Phil whispered, giving Dan a very long, wet kiss on his neck as he shivered. He lightly hooked his fingers around the waistband of Dan’s pajama pants, watching Dan touch his wrist.

“Fuck, I forgot,” Dan huffed at himself, “I haven’t shaved in a while. I’m sorry. That probably ruins the mood, I should’ve - I understand if that’s a huge turn off…”

“Baby, I don’t care,” Phil murmured and allowed his hand to roam on Dan’s bare belly, rubbing the soft, barely noticeable hair of his happy trail. It made Dan’s tummy flutter with butterflies and tingles. “You don’t have to shave for me. I mean, if you want to, you can, but I’m not going to tell you what you can and can’t do with your body. I don’t mind, really.”

“Are you sure?” Dan asked, biting his lip. He was so used to shaving so perfectly and so often for his cam work that it seemed weird not to be completely clean shaven for the first time in a while. He was always so afraid people wouldn’t like him as much if he looked actually natural, it was sort of the point to create a fantasy, plus, he preferred to shave anyway.

“Absolutely positive,” Phil assured him, still speaking in his soothing deep voice. “I don’t really understand why you shave anyway. You are so beautiful just how you are. You are my precious angel,” he whispered, kissing his forehead, “Dan, I love you so much, no matter what.”

No matter what. Dan could dwell on that for ages, but he decided to brush it off. He’d better focus on something else…angel. That sounded like such a perfect pet name. Upon hearing that praise, Dan humped his hips up onto Phil’s thigh, sucking in his lip still. Phil just brightly smiled and gazed down at him, seeming like he was expecting a just as romantic answer.

“I…” Dan started, quickly following up with, “I love you too, babe.”

Phil pecked his cheek with a smile, placing kisses down his body as he pulled the bottoms off. He scooted out of the way for them to slip down Dan’s long legs. Once they were completely off, he tossed them carelessly onto the carpet, then teasingly tickled the skin of Dan’s inner thigh, trailing up to then cup his growing bulge inside his boxers.

“I forgot you were wearing these cute Hello Kitty ones,” Phil said huskily.

“Mm...mhm,” Dan whined as Phil teased him, having to close his eyes when his thumb grazed over the sensitive head. His cheeks burning scarlet, he moaned, “Shit…”

Dan blindly reached out to do the same to Phil, opening his eyes again as he heard him groan. Phil kept teasing him as he moved his head back down to hover over Dan’s chest, kissing over his collarbones. As Dan felt the outline of his cock with trembling fingers, Phil pressed his tongue to Dan’s left nipple, nearly eliciting a scream from him. 

Even though there was no one else in the house with them, Dan had reduced it to a squeal. His thighs were spread out underneath Phil, allowing him perfect access to his body. Phil lightly pinched his other nipple, causing Dan’s back to arch up from the soft mattress underneath them. He rolled the pink bud around gently with his fingertips, making Dan melt for him.

“Is it weird that I’m doing this?” Phil asked softly, his face away from Dan’s glistening chest for a second. “I didn’t really ask or know...I just figured, I dunno…”

“I love it, oh my god,” Dan moaned as Phil nodded.

“Good,” Phil chuckled, kissing Dan’s nose.

Phil’s lips went to his other nipple, sucking it into his mouth. Dan ran one hand up Phil’s back and to the nape of his neck, carding his fingers through his long back hair. As Phil grazed his teeth over his skin, Dan whimpered and his fingers culled for more hairs to hold onto, “Fuck, oh my god.”

Then, Phil began to suck hickeys into his chest, making the skin tender. Dan rubbed Phil through those stupid fucking emoji pajamas as the lovemarks formed.

Right as Phil was sitting back up to remove Dan’s boxers, Dan’s tummy grumbled loud, causing his cheeks and chest to flush pink.

“Fuck,” Dan covered his cheeks, giggling a little. “Sorry. That’s so embarrassing. Keep going.”

“I’ll promise you food after this,” Phil chuckled, “Don’t worry about it, my dear.”

Dan nodded, grinning like an idiot at the word dear, “M’sorry.”

“Bear, it’s alright, I promise,” Phil kissed his cheek a few times. “It doesn’t ruin the mood for me, we’re both human.”

Continuing to nod, Dan smiled as he looked at him. He is literally the best person in the entire universe. Dan got that sudden feeling again, where he wasn’t as scared to say, “I love you.”

Phil chuckled, smiling and kissing his forehead, “I love you too.”

Dan shyly looked away for a moment, then back up at Phil, biting his lip. He gazed down at Phil’s growing bulge, licking his lips and looking back up into his eyes.

“Want something?” Phil asked gingerly. Dan reached out and palmed at Phil’s clothed and hard cock again, keeping his lip bitten sexily as he nodded.

“Please, babe,” Dan begged. 

His hands reached the front of Phil’s pajama pants, blindly fumbling around to undo the string keeping them up. Phil removed his pajama bottoms and tossed them onto the floor.

“Thank god those horrendous pants are off of you,” Dan commented.

“Hey,” Phil chuckled, “Mind if I take this sweater off? You’re making me hot.”

Dan smirked, nodding again. He watched Phil remove it, practically drooling. “Hurryyyyy.”

Phil giggled and smiled, crawling back up to Dan to kiss over all of the hickeys he gave him. Dan gently shoved him away, making him lay back against the pillows.

Dan was much more confident now. He was more comfortable, he was more ready, and this was not going to be like the first time he’d sucked Phil off. Not that it was bad, it was just awkward, because it was only their second sexual experience together, Phil had made a pun and attempted to wink, and Dan was just really shy about it. This time, it wouldn’t be awkward, he was going to make it the best he could. This time, Dan was determined to give Phil the best blowjob of his life. (Plus, Dan might have been practicing using his mouth and his hips with some of his toys separately for a while. And studying online.)

Thinking about his practice and studying, Dan thought about other things he could incorporate to make this even hotter. Phil was being so goddamn attractive, and Dan wanted him to feel the same tingles and flutters in his tummy and surges of heat through his veins that he was feeling. Once Phil was settled, he smirked and got into his lap, straddling him and wrapping his arms around his shoulders. “I wanna make you feel as amazing as you make me feel.”

“That won’t be too difficult,” Phil smiled. Dan giggled a little, tilting his head and closing his eyes to kiss him intimately. Then he decided to put his practicing to good use.

He started by slowly rolling his hips up into Phil’s, sucking his bottom lip into his own mouth and getting both of their mouths wet as he did so. His motions gradually picked up and he transitioned into grinding harder and faster, the friction of their covered erections making gasps seep out of both of their lips, adding to the melody of kissing sounds. 

Dan mimicked how he would ride Phil for real, lifting his hips up then slowly bringing them back down. He even bounced a little, making Phil sit up and instantly grab his ass as he continued to bounce on his hips. Dan arched his back, moaning as he imagined the real thing. Phil grabbed at his shoulder and ass cheek hard and grind into him, making Dan groan at his lowkey manhandling. His grip was rough in both places, and Dan could tell by the passion in his kisses that he really liked what he was doing. Good.

They pulled away to breathe heavily, panting and staring into each others’ eyes. When Dan started to smile, Phil did too, and Dan pulled his jaw for one last kiss before leaning back a little, his breathing giving away the fact that he was smiling again. He scooted off of his lap slightly, kissing down his neck and palming him through his boxers again.

Dan’s mouth reached his freckled shoulder, nipping at the skin as Phil murmured a moan. Phil kept his hands on Dan’s waist, rubbing at the tanned skin and even teasing him by dipping his fingertips under the waistband. Dan was smiley as fuck as he continued to kiss down Phil’s body, scooting back a little to slowly slip away from his grip and to reach where he needed to.

“Need to buy you some more cute boxers, baby,” Phil slid his hand away from Dan’s hip to his own thigh.

“Like which ones?” Dan questioned, leaving wet, open mouthed kisses down his chest to his torso. As Phil went to respond, Dan laid fully on his stomach with his feet up into the air, leaning on his elbows to mouth and kiss at the fabric restraining Phil’s cock.

“U-Um,” Phil stuttered, making Dan smirk and continue, “Like Sonic, Pokémon, Star Wars, Disney, cute patterned ones.”

“Mmm,” Dan hummed, making Phil twitch a little. “You should get me ones that have like lipstick prints or hearts on them, or Winnie the Pooh or something.”

“Yeah,” Phil said.

Dan bit down on the waistband of Phil’s boxers to pull them down, using his fingers eventually. His were just white, but he bet Phil would look cute with patterned boxers too. Phil helped him get his underwear completely off and discarded onto the floor, then sat back so that Dan could get comfortable in between his legs. Once he was settled, Dan placed his hands on his thighs, gently scratching them.

“I can imagine you looking irresistible with more cute ones,” Phil said as he petted Dan’s hair. Dan was kissing wetly all around Phil’s cock, making his way up to the head. 

“My ass would look so good, especially doing what I was doing on your lap earlier,” Dan mumbled jokingly against his skin, tickling his fingers from Phil’s thigh to his cock. He gently pumped at the base, licking at a vein on the side. Slowly, he paused his wanking to just a hold, directing the head of Phil’s cock into his mouth. 

Confidence. He just needed to have confidence.

He licked his lips again, then pressed his tongue against the slit with his jaw slack as he looked up at Phil. Dan would make sure that he looked up a lot more - it’d be less awkward, it’d allow Phil to read the passion and pleasure in his eyes, it’d slow everything down to allow them to both just soak up the moment and enjoy themselves, as long as Dan managed to not look nervous. Wrapping his lips around the tip, he closed his eyes as he began to suck softly, his head tilted a bit. It would be okay. He needed to relax, to push away his fear and just focus on the two of them feeling good together.

He couldn’t even allude to Phil that he was worrying, that would totally kill the mood, because then Phil would start to worry too, and worrying wasn’t very sexy. Dan sent all of his energy and focus on only what he was doing. His hand started gently pumping his cock again as he gradually sunk down, reaching a certain length, pausing to bob his head a few times on it, then kept going.

When he heard Phil moan, he instantly opened his eyes, trying to cover it up by slowly blinking to make it seem more casual. His lip was bitten and his fringe was pushed back. He felt Phil’s fingers gripping slightly tighter onto his hair, him twitching in his mouth, his hips move a little bit. Again, this was good, but he chose to wait a little bit longer before asking for feedback. Simply batting his lashes a few times, Dan pushed his lips down more so that his fingers wrapped around Phil’s length met his chin. With his other hand, he made sure to caress his thigh a little, sliding his hand up over his hip bone then dragging it back down repeatedly - not quickly, slow and sensually - but repeatedly.

His worries had faded and he was just fixated on using his mouth, hands, and eyes to give a good visual as well as nice feelings all around. Dan knew he was clearly doing enough based on the reactions he’d received, but he wanted more, and assumed Phil did, too. He knew that he wanted to get him to tug on his hair harder, to moan louder, to thrust up into his mouth more, but what did Phil want Dan to do more of?

He knew Phil was enjoying his bum, so he tried to perk it out a bit more. He was aware that Phil thought his eyes were so pretty, he had said so on their first date, so he tried to gaze up and show them off. Phil liked his soft, pink lips, too, so he pushed them out a little to be more evident as he sucked. Then, a genius idea dawned on him. His noises.

Every time they did something remotely sexual, Phil liked to hear Dan’s noises. He loved to make him gasp, to hear him moan, to let him whine. Heavy exhales, high pitched whimpers, breathy pants, he loved how vocal Dan got and didn’t like it when he tried to be quiet, even if Dan was feeling a little shy (which he rarely was once he got comfortable).

He twisted his wrist differently, spreading his legs out a little bit to lift his ass up more then fluttering his eyes shut and building his way up to take in more. It wouldn’t be difficult - he was already really turned on, and as long as he kept being passionate, he would be able to make sounds that didn’t sound like they were from fake, mediocre porn videos on dodgy websites that he avoided at all costs - or even the poorly mocked sounds like the ones he made in front of a camera sometimes. Forcing it or getting too loud too fast wouldn’t be sexy. He’d have to gradually get there, to fake it until he made it, or at least, until he was genuinely making them. 

What was another thing that he might like? Dan had an idea, but he wasn’t sure if it was just his own fantasies shining when he had no real evidence that Phil would like it too - he could act like he was innocent, like what he was doing wasn’t intentional, like he showed his more sexual side only to Phil…which he didn’t, but he didn’t have to know that. Dan could be playful.

As Dan bobbed his head while deep in thought, Phil caressed his back softly. Then quietly, Dan moaned. Just quietly, from the back of his throat that made his lips vibrate ever so slightly. It only lasted a second, but it was the first step on the ladder. 

He let out little, almost dainty mewls for a while, his eyes closed. Phil was petting and pulling at the back of his head, back, and neck, urging him on. The noises stayed short, but he eventually let them exaggerate just a bit, making sure they sounded like he was thoroughly enjoying it, which he was. He loved the feeling of it sliding in and out of his mouth, the way Phil was touching him, even the taste of his skin. With heavy breaths out of his nose, Dan moaned, “Mm, mmm...mmmmm.”

With a puckering sound, he pulled off for a moment, resting, establishing that it wasn’t meant to be abruptly or because he was tired. Dan’s grip on Phil’s cock loosened, and he opened his eyes to gaze up at him. He looked perfect. Perfectly blissed out. Dan beamed, placing a kiss on the head and gazing up at him again. “Are you liking it?”

“I wanna pull you up here and fuck you right now so bad,” Phil admitted, making a wave of heat tremble through Dan, “But I’ll let you keep going, baby.”

Dan whimpered at his words. He wanted that badly, too. 

Passionately, he wetly kissed the insides of his thighs until he reached his cock again, sinking down onto it and unhinging his jaw more than before. The heavy, heated weight pressed against his tongue made him moan again, exhaling through his nose.

I wanna pull you up here and fuck you right now so bad.

The words echoed in Dan’s ears, almost forcing him to try and do an even better job than before as goosebumps covered his skin. Slow down, he thought, there was no need to rush. Their sex was still going to feel absolutely, incredibly, magnificently concupiscent and Phil wasn’t going anywhere. 

If there was any room to improve, Dan tried to fill it - he tried to suck and slurp better, he tried to bob his head better, he tried to fist Phil’s cock better. It made him tired quicker, and as much as he didn’t want to stop, he did. He wanted to save some stamina for the real thing.

“Ready for my fingers to stretch you out, hmm?”

Dan sucked in his lips nervously, looking up at Phil with his big brown doe eyes. He looked and felt submissive, like he completely trusted Phil, which he did. Undoing his lip, he said, “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Phil replied. “Come lay down then.”

“Ok-kay,” Dan stuttered, getting in Phil’s spot as he sat up. 

As he scooted up the bed, Phil brought him close for a second to kiss his neck sweetly, making Dan smile. Dan’s hand holding the back of Phil’s neck, he asked, “How did I do, babe?”

Phil paused, moving back to look Dan in the eyes. Dan’s face dropped in worry for a second but went back to being joyful once Phil kissed him hard on the lips as a thank you. He tugged on his hair a bit, mewling softly.

“God...you are just...so fucking gorgeous, Dan, it felt so fucking great...you’re just, perfect,” Phil finally breathed out once they backed up slightly to take a short break in between.

Dan laid there with a proud smile for a bit, rubbing the back of Phil’s neck. Phil smiled just as cheesily back down at him, making them both giggle. They kissed for a few moments, then pecked repeatedly a few times before kissing longer again, giggling again at the end. 

Thinking for a moment, Dan asked, “I’m assuming you have lube and stuff?”

Phil lifted up from his bed and went over to his suitcase, unzipping a pocket and pulling out lube and a condom. He placed them on his nightstand as Dan instinctively slipped his boxers off.

Dan looked up at him eagerly, biting his lip, making Phil gaze over at him and murmur, “Every time you bite your lip like that my stomach gets butterflies all over again.”

Dan giggled, “Is that just saying it makes you harder and want to fuck me more?”

Phil chuckled, looking away for a second and then back. “Maybe.”

“Elaborate,” Dan requested teasingly.

“It looks so good on you, to see your brows furrow a bit and for your lip to be in between your teeth,” Phil said softly, “It’s really, really hot. Even when you do it public it makes me feel things.”

“So I should keep doing it then,” Dan continued to tease.

“Yes please,” Phil told him, “I can’t even begin to describe how sexy you look.”

“Well come here so I can bite yours,” Dan purred, watching Phil practically tackle him so that their lips could collide. It was breathy, it was passionate, it was energetic, everything Dan could ever dream of, and most importantly, filled with love - and of course, he sucked Phil’s bottom lip into his mouth to nip at it with his teeth, tugging at it. When their lips separated, Dan broke away, looking at his nightstand and giggling, “So you were planning on this, you cheeky little shit.”

Blushing and nodding, Phil replied, “I told you I had a perfect time in mind. Also, you look so beautiful right now.”

“Beautiful?” Dan asked, blushing too.

“Extremely.”

“Can you elaborate again?”

“I would love to.”

“Go ahead then, babe.”

“I’m no artist or like, anyone who knows a lot about colors and what they mean and stuff, but when I look at you right now all I can think about is pink,” Phil told him, “Your cheeks and nose are, your slightly swollen lips, your tongue, and I can see some going down your chest and across your tummy a bit, and of course the places I’m just about to attend to.”

Squealing with laughter, excitement, and maybe just a little embarrassment, Dan looked over at the strangely reddish-pink bottle of lubricant. He picked it up, rolling it around in his hand and then reading it as Phil scooted back from him in the bed.

“Durex Play: very cherry, luscious cherry flavored intimate lube,” Dan read, “It’s edible?”

“I think so,” Phil answered, “Can I get some before you read it, love?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Dan handed the bottle to him, watching the liquid collect on Phil’s hand. He took the bottle back from Phil, reading the label to see that yes, it was edible. Phil was spreading it onto his fingers, and without thinking, Dan grabbed at his wrist to bring his hand to his mouth and start sucking on his fingers to taste it. 

His eyes a little widened, Phil gazed as Dan took his index and middle fingers past his lips, gently sucking on the pads of them. Dan closed his eyes, mewling a little. The lube tasted sticky and sweet, but it was mostly the taste of Phil’s skin and the feeling of his fingerprints on Dan’s tongue that kept him going. It was heavenly on his taste buds, and he relished in its sweet flavor as his rosy colored lips puckered around Phil’s slender fingers. He’d have to start paying attention to his erection soon, because it was really hot and he was precumming already, but once he realized what he was doing, his eyes blinked open and he looked at Phil. Dan’s cheeks and chest turned amber again as he slowly pulled away.

“S-Sorry,” Dan murmured, reluctantly letting go of Phil’s wrist.

“No, don’t be,” Phil scooted up closer to him, their hips tauntingly rubbing against each other. He got close to Dan’s neck and whispered huskily, “That was really fucking sexy.”

“It was?” Dan squeaked, Phil’s fingers making their way back to his lips. 

Phil nodded and silently encouraged him to keep going, so Dan did - he wrapped his now even plusher lips around his fingers and gently sucked. With the rest of Phil’s hand gently around his jaw and neck, he moaned softly, the vibrations reaching Phil’s skin. The pads of Phil’s fingers lightly rubbed against Dan’s tongue, and Dan hummed, bobbing his head a little. Soon, Phil began thrusting his fingers gently past Dan’s lips, making Dan exhale heavily through his nose and his eyes roll back a little. It made him wonder what it’d be like having his fingers even deeper inside of his mouth.

Why did it feel so good? This wasn’t even that sexual, but Dan was loving it. The pressing of the pads of Phil’s fingers weighing down on his tongue as he suckled softly with drool leaking from his lips felt unexpectedly amazing.

Dan gave into Phil’s soothing eyes and gazed at him in an extremely sultry manner. His eyes that said so much without words. The bright blue and green patterns in his eyes that encouraged him to continue, to continue his passion, to continue his energy, to continue all that he was doing. He wished that he wasn’t so scared to tell Phil he definitely wanted his hands on his neck more, but he’d probably find it weird or be afraid to hurt him. For now, he’d accept the feather-like touches his fingertips gave.

When he pulled his fingers out of his mouth with a pop, Dan pouted, but Phil quickly told him, “Let me taste, baby.”

Phil touched his cheek gently with his wet fingers getting a bit of saliva on Dan’s skin, but Dan didn’t care. They both closed their eyes and he attached their lips quickly, and Phil instantly started opening up Dan’s mouth, their tongues swirling around. It was so fucking passionate, and Dan was addicted to the feeling. Dan was being pinned down as he was being kissed and kissing back, his hands roaming Phil’s chest and shoulders. Their lips slipped against each other, their shaky breaths in between making Dan twitch.

Of course Dan was loving everything so far, but he didn’t know how much longer he could take and Phil wasn’t even inside him yet. With hesitation, he pulled away and moaned lowly against Phil’s wet lips, “Stretch me open.”

With one last wet sounding smooch, Phil nodded and left his mouth. 

Phil then inquired Dan about to getting into a comfortable position. “Do you think missionary would be best?” he asked kindly, “I just think that would be the most comfortable and intimate…”

“Yeah, I wanna be able to see you and kiss you and hold you,” Dan agreed. He adjusted himself, laid down on his back flat on the bed, shoving the majority of pillows off the bed and onto the floor and then spreading his shaky thighs, his head leaned on only one pillow. His belly was full with arousal and his hard cock was leaking against his tummy. Spreading his thighs out, he peeked to see Phil’s reaction, looking mesmerized.

“God, baby, you’re so fucking gorgeous,” Phil said as Dan tucked his knees. He curled his toes in anticipation, his arms spread and palms up next to his head, his lip becoming raw from how often he had been biting it. Cool, lube coated fingers touched at his rim, and Dan sighed softly, relaxing his entire body as best as he could. With a sensitive touch, Phil rubbed in circles with only his two fingertips. He waited for a few moments before checking to see that Dan was ready.

“Ready, love?” Phil asked gingerly. Dan nodded a little too eagerly, then Phil gently submerged one finger. Dan let out a weighted exhale, his hand sliding down his front. He was unable to help himself but touch just a little bit, so he just brushed his hand up the side of his cock with a sigh. Phil brought his attention back by saying, “Fuck, you’re pretty tight, darling. Does it feel alright?”

“Y-Yeah, I can’t wait for more,” Dan whispered, again obsessed with the pet name darling. Phil really knew how to flirt wonderfully during all of it. He was right though, it was a tight fit, which made it feel thousands of times better to be stretched out. As Phil gently pushed in and out with his index finger, Dan considered dirty talk for a single second, unable to fully process what he was going to say prior to his rambling, “Want you in me so bad, so tight and hot and stretching me out. ‘ve wanted you for so long. Need you to fuck me, rough.”

“Rough?” Phil asked, getting the last knuckle of his index finger inside Dan. His other hand went to grasp Dan’s cock, making Dan shudder.

Dan stuttered for a moment, but allowed himself to keep thinking with his dick and not his brain, “Yeah babe, rough. Don’t wanna be able to sit or walk good.”

“I’ll fuck you good, baby, but I wouldn’t do that while we’re here. Maybe one day when you have a bunch of work days off in a row, yeah? Then I’ll fuck you hard and take care of you until it doesn’t hurt anymore,” Phil pressed his middle finger inside, continuing to flick his wrist, “How does that sound, angel?”

“Fantastic,” Dan squeaked, as much as he wished they could be rough now. He wrapped his fingers around Phil’s length and just pumped a few times until he got an attractive reaction. Phil groaned, continuing to stretch Dan out.

As Phil scissored his fingers to allow more room inside of Dan, Dan continued pumping his Phil’s cock, eyes fluttering in pleasure as Phil’s fingertips brushed against his prostate every so often. Just to be sure, Phil eventually reached three fingers, which had Dan squirming, making the sheets rustle loudly. Both his front and back were being attended to, and it felt fucking amazing. Then Phil curled his fingers to the perfect spot, causing Dan to let out the loudest fucking moan of the morning, his arousal flourishing through every inch of his body.

“Ph-Phil, fuck,” Dan whined, huffing out a little, “Phiiiil. I’m ready, please. Please take me. I need you inside me, so fucking bad. Please,” he begged on and on in his high pitched voice.

“I’ve got you baby, I’m gonna take care of you,” Phil whispered soothingly as he slipped out his fingers and moved his hand away from Dan’s dick, Dan sliding his hand away from Phil and back up to the pillow. “You’re very eager.”

Dan nodded as Phil nearly rushed to rip open the condom packet with his teeth. Dan watched, getting a little impatient as Phil placed the wrapper on his nightstand, then pulled the condom onto his cock. So close. This was so perfect, it was finally happening, the thing Dan had been daydreaming about for months now…

His thighs were still spread out well as Phil got more lube, slicking himself up and kneeling in front of him. Phil’s soft hands grasped Dan’s hips, then one was removed to assist in sliding himself inside Dan. Gasping high pitched and loud, Dan tugged at the pillowcase under his head, his eyes rolling back a little as Phil entered him. Hot pressure filled Dan as he made noise, thinking finally as he was slowly being filled up completely.

With a kiss on the lips, Phil murmured, “Baby, you feel so fucking good, so tight and hot for me. I love you so much.”

As Phil’s hips pulled back and slowly pushed into Dan again, he moaned out an I love you back, looking up into his eyes and then down at his lips. Phil smiled sweetly, his eyes catching on Dan’s lips as well before he tilted his head to kiss him again. Hearing his own heartbeat and breathing loud in his ears, Dan reciprocated, noisily smooching back with his eyes barely shut. Phil nipped his teeth into his bottom lip a bit, tugging at it. Dan tensed his limp hands into fists and unclenched them again, lifting his hips up against Phil, who was working to build up just how much Dan could take. 

A loud gasp left Dan’s mouth, and he felt like he was losing control, how even if he would have tried to be quieter he wouldn’t have been able to, thank fuck no one else was home. Phil’s hips slid out slowly, the both of them groaning at the feeling of his cock being caught by his rim. 

Phil slid his hands up to hold Dan’s on the pillowcase, intertwining their fingers and listening to Dan wail in pleasure against his lips. Thank god Dan had been sure to not use any toys any time recently prior to this, it was pretty damn tight, and so, so intoxicating, the slight stretch he felt as Phil slowly slid back in didn’t even hurt that bad. 

Dan wanted to be his dorky, charismatic self and say something sarcastic or romantic or something, but he couldn’t manage to actually speak properly once Phil started bucking into him. He squeezed Phil’s hands, all he was able to do was beg, praise and moan. His vision hazy, he looked at the scene in front of him as they gently broke their kiss, his own reddened dick bouncing against his lower stomach as Phil thrusted, working his way into filling his entire cock inside of him. Looking up more, he saw Phil, who seemed to be sweating already and full of pleasure too. 

Phil leaned in closer to smooch at Dan’s neck, their fingers slowly untangling. He dragged his hands away and brought them to Dan’s sides to hold him, and Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s back to bring him closer, scratching down the skin with pinkish trails with one hand and the other holding the back of his neck. The bed quietly rocked against the wall, Dan whimpering and grabbing desperately at Phil’s back.

“God, babe, fuck,” Dan huffed, beginning to break a sweat himself. He groaned as Phil split him open, his moans loud and slightly echoing off the walls. When he tried to speak, his words came out as breathy whimpers, “Fuck, feels so fucking good.”

Phil picked a perfect spot on Dan’s neck and collarbones just low enough to hopefully be able to cover up with his shirt, biting down and making Dan groan and grip onto his black hair. After sucking a deep hickey into his salty skin, Phil asked, “Everything alright, Dan? Anything you want me to do more or less of? Wanna - fuck - wanna make sure you’re enjoying this as much as I am.”

“Just praise me or-“ Dan stuttered, tilting his head back as Phil hit a perfectly good spot head on. His words came out jumbled, “Fuck...p-praise me or touch my...my neck, and please don’t stop, it feels so good right...good right there-“

“Of course,” Phil said softly as he pressed a wet kiss to his hickey. He sat back up, admiring how Dan looked and praised him like he wanted, his hips working at a steady pace. “Dan, bear, you’re so gorgeous like this, I’m so glad this is all for me to see…”

Dan nearly choked, his mind too fuzzy to fully realize what he had said - he knew it was off, but he just didn’t know why in the moment. His name followed with a pet name sounded so beautiful rolling off of Phil’s tongue, so he just went with it, ignoring the last part. He just nodded, biting his lip and glancing back down at Phil’s hips, then back up at his broad chest. The sight caused him to seethe, and the slight stretch inside him was completely okay, it was a good, tender burn, making Dan’s whole body hot and his toes curl in tight, but most importantly, the sensations distracted him, making him forget and brush off what Phil had said.

“What do you mean by touching your neck, hm?” Phil inquired, his hand drifting up Dan’s chest. Dan just wanted to groan I want you to try and choke me but decided it was definitely too soon, this was supposed to be romantic and passionate for their first time having each other and he didn’t want to ruin it like he often did with a lot, but it was still something he wanted to do at some point - this just wasn’t the time for trying new things. He gently reached out for Phil’s wrist, carrying his hand up to just hold his neck instead of actually putting pressure on it. Phil used his other hand for leverage on Dan’s thigh, which was leaving Dan in a lot less control, and he fucking adored it. The way his leg was being pressed down on and stretched out admittedly hurt, but he was too drunk on pleasure to fully care. 

“Fuck, unhhhh,” Dan moaned, his voice loud and his jaw dropped a bit. He was attempting to keep quiet, but knowing that he was home alone with the actual hottest person in his life didn’t help much. It sounded like he was attempting to hold the deep bellows back but he couldn’t, which was very erotic. Dan wasn’t a narcissist or anything, but he thought the fact that Phil was able to retrieve these kinds of noises from him was impressive and really, really sexy - just Dan really wanted Phil to feel this overwhelmed with pleasure, too. Phil picked up pace for a moment, forcing Dan to let out another set of squeals. 

“More, baby?” Phil asked, looking down at him with his lip bitten as well.

“Please, Phil,” Dan begged, his moans picking up when Phil was thrusting - no, actually grinding - hard into him. It felt so fucking good, his legs spread out, just taking Phil completely. His hands were limp at his sides, and he loved the feeling of feeling like Phil was completely in control, even if it was very loosely. His heart was beating almost faster than the way Phil’s hips were moving as he attempted to push back against his strong thrusts. When Phil hit a certain spot, his face scrunched up and Dan’s eyes closed little at the feeling, and he belted out noisily again, “Ohh...ohh...god, fuck…”

Phil caressed Dan’s neck gently, changing his fingers around to gently stroke his chin. Dan blinked his eyes open again, instantly looking up as heavy gasping inhales slipped from his lips. It was almost ridiculous to think of how fucking sexy all of this was to Dan, and he was in too fuzzy of a mindset to fully comprehend that it was actually happening. Everything felt sensitive, his body warm with sensations, his skin coated with a thin layer of sweat, and he hoped Phil was enjoying himself as much as Dan was. He hissed, his thigh slightly pained from it being held in a weird position.

“Am I hurting you?” Phil asked softly upon hearing his hissing as he continued thrusting his hips, but slower. 

Dan shook his head, responding quickly and desperately, “Fuck no. Don’t stop what you’re doing. Feels so good having you inside me.”

Phil groaned at his words, making Dan suck in his bottom lip again and squeeze his thighs tighter around Phil’s waist. “Oh god, baby.”

Dan’s eyes snapped up as Phil’s snapped down at him. Realization struck. Dan would kill to hear Phil loud like that again.

They both adjusted so that they were holding each other - Phil had the easiest access to thrust into Dan and Dan had the easiest access to take it, scrambling quickly because fuck they had to do that again. Phil leaned on his elbows but still gripped Dan close, and Dan pulled him so that their chests were basically pressed together. Dan’s thighs were higher up on Phil’s waist, his feet up in the air more, and even with his grip, he felt loose around Phil, like his control was being handed to him. They got as close as possible, and as soon as their lips were less than an inch apart, Phil whispered, “Do that again.”

“Only if you go rougher,” Dan requested so quietly he was practically mouthing them.

Silence for a moment.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Phil sighed.

“You won’t.”

“What if I do?”

“I don’t-“

“What if it’s hard for you to be able to sit properly for a little while after?”

Dan stared up at him, not giving a single shit. He wanted that. He wanted to hurt, and had wanted to for a long time. Especially from Phil.

“I don’t care.”

“Or walk?”

“Phil.”

“I don’t want to hurt you when we’re not home right now, or at all, we’ve never...I don’t know...”

“Phil. I. Don’t. Care.”

“Dan…”

“Just fucking do it. If you wanna go harder...to let out everything that you’ve been holding back since the first time you saw me, from the last time you had sex with someone, from...from being scared. Just fucking fuck me. Then I’ll tighten my thighs around your cock more and make you feel so, so good. How you make me feel.”

“Dan-“

“Phil. Are you going to or not?”

Dan looked into his eyes, his scared eyes. His eyes that didn’t want to hurt Dan, that didn’t want to fuck anything up, that cared so much…that seemed to be okay with just going back to normal as a safe route.

Sometimes Dan forgot. Sometimes Dan forgot there were times that Phil felt exactly like him.

Dan wasn’t wanting to hurt Phil by lying, he was just protecting himself.

He didn’t want to fuck anything up and lose him.

He cared so much.

But Dan...he wasn’t okay with going back to normal as a safe route like what Phil seemingly wanted. He didn’t want to go back at all. He wanted to keep pushing forward and just forget forget forget and let go of the past carelessly. He wanted everything to be fine and to only have Phil, but there were so many things blockading his way, and that’s why he had to keep going.

Dan wanted Phil to feel as good as he made him feel, not to be scared like Dan was a lot of the time. So he roughly pulled his hair to bring their lips together, kissed so hard with his sore lips, and tightened his thighs around Phil’s waist to squeeze muscle around his cock and hopefully just give him a break from the thoughts in his head.

For a moment, Dan was expecting him to pull away and be mad, but then he was harshly bucked into, and he didn’t know if he was so surprised by how good it felt or how Phil had just gone for it. His gasp was so sudden, so loud.

His thrusts were rougher, just how Dan had wanted not only for himself to feel, but Phil too. It was fast but had him deeper inside of Dan and hitting his prostate head on. Dan scratched into his skin so hard that it had to be stinging, but Phil wasn’t complaining. 

All Dan could think about was Phil slamming into him. All he could feel. All he could hear. All he could picture with his eyes shut. He felt stuck, not stuck from continuing, but stuck in the ecstasy.

They were both increasing volume, tugging and pushing against each other and trapped in a surging kiss, one that was so strong and full of energy and quite literally breathtaking as it caused them both to breathe out of their noses heavily. Their eyes shut more forcefully this time, and Phil moved his hand on Dan’s neck to go underneath his head and tug onto his hair again. Tugs on the soft strands, pressure leaning down onto his thigh as Phil squeezed the skin in between his fingers, all of it felt so amazing.

Their kiss broke and they were panting for air.

“Christ, Phil.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Fuck, don’t ever stop.”

“Baby. Oh my god. Never.”

Phil went quiet for a moment, and Dan hesitantly opened his eyes to gaze up into his already open ones.

“Promise me I’m not hurting you.”

Dan sighed.

“You’re not,” he gave him a sweet peck on the lips in the middle of all the deep ones. “You’re not, babe. I would tell you if you were. I promise you that you’re not hurting me and if you were I would tell you and I would trust you to stop…”

Dan tensed around Phil a little, making him moan and tuck his face into his neck.

“I just want you to be happy, I hear and see all of the shit you go through and I just want you to be happy.”

Fuck. This felt like a fucking movie.

“I am happy when I’m with you, every time,” Dan said, meaning it, as cheesy as it fucking sounded. “Right now, too. I’m so happy. I-“ he paused when Phil picked up the pace again, slow but steady. “I-I’m so happy you invited me to take me away to here from all the bullshit. And now we’re doing this and I’m even happier. Just...just...let’s just make each other feel good right now, okay? You’re making me happy by going rougher.”

“I-I just...okay, baby. It feels really good. Like, the best sex I’ve ever had and we’re not even done yet,” Phil admitted. Dan chuckled a little.

Dan then turned his head slightly to whisper directly into his ear and tell him exactly how he felt, too. About how he had been daydreaming about it for so long, never quite able to reach the amount of pleasure he had even anticipated that he was feeling now, but trying his best a lot of the time. Dirty details about how hot it was and what he liked and all. How he never wanted it to end and if he could constantly have the feeling of how Phil’s hips bucking to thrust his cock deep inside him, he would. Confessions. At least they weren’t lies.

“I’ve literally thought about this everywhere, Phil,” Dan told him, “All the time. Sometimes I have to catch myself from thinking in too much depth or I have to get myself off, sometimes even more than once in a row. But I have on the tube, and I’ve had to hide it with my coat. At work, and I’ve had to go hide in the bathroom to take care of it while the only thing on my mind was you inside of me. Even before I knew you...I hoped one day I would have someone like you to do this with, to have sex that actually meant something. So you could say even when I was living with my family that I was thinking about it, too.”

As Dan talked to Phil, his thrusting picked back up and Dan mewled and gasped. He got louder as he tried to imagine Phil’s thoughts on what he was saying. Phil supplied him with some of them, making Dan noisy as fuck.

Dan wasn’t even exaggerating. With his online videos he usually played his moans up a lot, but this was all real, his reactions were so natural, and the pleasure was just that spectacular - he was just so whiny and his sounds were so guttural that he couldn’t help but be extremely noisy. He had been waiting for this for ages, after all. Dan squeezed at Phil’s skin, hissing with each hard rock he made into his hips. 

Leaning down, Phil pressed his lips to Dan’s neck, leaving hot, wet kisses and whispering, “Fuck, bear. You sound so sexy for me, Dan. I love you and your noises. Don’t stop them, it feels so good to me. And everything you’ve said, too.”

With his head closer to Dan’s ear, Dan could now hear Phil’s sounds a lot better. His quieter grunts and groans and occasional angelic gasps were seeping right into Dan’s ears, sending a heat wave coursing through his body. He reached to kiss Phil’s neck too, licking at the salty sweat.

“You sound so...you s-sound so good, too,” Dan mewled and pushed his sweaty fringe back. He made sure to clench his thighs tight around Phil’s torso to get more sounds out of him. “But...are you imagining it? Imagining me...on the tube, having to cross my legs or adjust my coat, all because of you? Or at work, only a bathroom stall and a door in between my coworkers that could easily come and find me, all because of you? Even after this, at home in Wokingham...when I visit soon, I’m not going to be able to resist thinking about you.”

“Baby…”

“I’ll have to wait late into the night for everyone to be asleep. For when it’s completely dark in the hallway, for the whole house to be quiet. I’ll be staring up at my ceiling into the intense darkness unable to resist touching myself because I’ll be thinking about you. I’ll caress and pinch my chest and run my fingers through my hair and rub over myself in my boxers…that’s probably all I’ll be wearing...”

“Baby, fuck.”

“I’ll have to spread my legs out to reach and massage over the fabric better to tease myself. My eyes will be half lidded and my mouth will just barely be open, exhaling quietly and looking peaceful for the most part, but my mind is flashing image after image of you.”

“Yeah?” Phil asked huskily and pecked at the skin near his ear, “Are you getting close, baby?”

Dan whimpered and nodded, his hands finding Phil’s hips again. He could feel what Phil was doing directly into his body from the feelings on his hands and hips, and it was leading him closer to teetering off the edge.

As powerful as his words were, Dan was sounding weaker and higher pitched, “Wh-what about you, Phil? Are you?”

Phil nodded, so Dan took that as a sign to keep murmuring to him as their hips moved together.

“At home I’ll need you so bad,” Dan mumbled, “I’ll be so fucking hard all in bed by myself, having to be quiet, hold in all those noises...the whimpers, the gasps, because I’ll be at home where the walls are super thin and my parents are just down the hall and I don’t have a lock on my bedroom door, but the risk is worth it for you.”

“Go on.”

Phil’s voice sounded so deep and dominant.

“Fuck…” Dan huffed, “I’ll be rubbing at a wet spot in my boxers where I’m leaking, so I’ll have to slide my hand inside and grasp. To get a grip and jerk upwards and squeeze the closer I got to the tip, wishing it was you. My breathing will become more labored by the second, it’ll pick up the pace as my wrist does, fisting at my cock while I think about you. I’ll have to put my arm over my mouth and bite down so hard that teeth marks indent into my skin because of how fucking badly I’ll want to moan for you...to moan your name. I’ll sigh and my eyes will flutter back as I touch myself for you.”

With every word, Phil’s thrusts into Dan’s ass were turning more into slams. Dan groaned loudly, gripping at his skin but not daring to stop.

“My back will arch, my head will be thrown back,” Dan told him, knowing exactly how to describe himself since he watched and edited his own videos all the time. “My toes will curl. My brows will furrow. My cock will twitch in my hand. My breath will break and my moans will be muffled into my arm. I’ll push my hair back on my forehead since I’ll be in a sweat. I’ll thrust my hips up into the tightness of my hand, getting louder and louder and I wouldn’t be able to control myself...panting heavily and whimpering.” Sobbing, he sighed, “Oh...oh...oh, fuck, I’m so close, don’t stop, Phil.”

“Never, angel, your words are so attractive,” Phil promised, a little out of breath after a moan, adjusting his hips to hit Dan’s prostate head on again. “Love it so much, Dan. What will you be doing next, hm?”

“Unh,” Dan moaned, “M-Making a mess into my hand. I’ll be thinking of right fucking now as it spurts on my flushed tummy and chest, all because of you, Phil...”

“Here…” he said as he sat up a bit, pumping Dan’s cock quickly for a few moments until Dan was gone.

“Fuck, I’m going to cum,” Dan confessed and cried out, digging his nails into his back as warm, white ribbons spewed out of his cock and onto their stomachs. Miraculously at the same time, Phil bit down onto his earlobe and came inside the condom with a deep fuck whispered from his lips. Cursing profusely, Dan squirmed around a bit as his orgasm rode him out, “Shit shit shit…”

His voice thick and breathy, Phil moaned into Dan’s ear as he came, “Fuck, baby, you look so fucking hot when you finish. I love you so fucking much. You’re so - ah - beautiful.”

Fuck, that was so good. Dan would easily argue that that was the best sex ever. It was over now, but Dan wasn’t sad about it, it was extremely enjoyable and he assumed this wouldn’t be the only time something like this would happen. He felt his entire body relax, submerging from the abysmal ocean of arousal and taking in breaths after drowning in currents of pleasure and wave after wave of carnality.

It sure was a perfect special moment that Phil had chosen. They were home alone, for one, keeping each other warm when it was so chilly outside. Phil’s childhood room was a personal part of him too, so it felt even more sentimental. He had marked him up, kissed him endlessly and told him how beautiful he was, and Dan had comforted and praised him and everything just felt right. Dan hoped Phil felt as relieved as he did.

Both Dan and Phil panted heavily, pulling away to look at each other’s sweaty faces. They both smiled wide through their heavy breaths, and Dan brought his shaky hand up to Phil’s cheek. He stroked it, leaning up to kiss his smiling face.

Phil sat back on the bed, removing the condom and tossing it into his bedroom trash can. He then grabbed tissues and cleaned Dan up, throwing those out too then scooting next to Dan, leaning his head back in bliss. Dan instantly cuddled up to him, clinging to his side much like a koala bear.

“That was so fucking hot,” Dan sighed, “I l-love you.”

“I love you too, bear,” Phil smiled, stroking his chin. Dan made a happy purring sound and nuzzled into his hand. Phil continued, “That was so good and passionate, I can’t wait for more with you.”

“I can’t wait either,” Dan giggled, his nose scrunching up adorably. “Did you really, genuinely like it? I tried my best to make sure you were feeling as pleased as I was. I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a pillow princess near the end.”

“No, no, not at all,” Phil assured him, “It was perfect, angel. You were talking and that could’ve been enough, honestly, with how hot it was.”

“Okay, good,” Dan smiled, kissing his chest and whispering sweet nothings, making Phil grin back fondly. “Did I hurt your back too much?” Phil shook his head as Dan scooted away slightly, pulling on his arm to get him to sit up. He checked his back, rubbing over the deep scratches. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, we can get lotion or something later,” he said and settled back down, then asked, “What would you want to do next time?” as he ran his fingers through Dan’s soft locks.

“Um…” Dan started, not wanting to sound too weird by being kinky or something. He held what he wanted to really say and answered, “Different positions or places maybe?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Phil was stroking both Dan’s hair and chin, and Dan felt like a perfect little kitten, content in Phil’s arms.

“I wanna have shower or bath sex with you,” Dan admitted, sighing softly at the caressing. He didn’t think it was turning him on again, it was just comfortable to feel like he was being taken care of. It was just a warm feeling in his tummy. Cuddling closer, he got cozy in Phil’s arms, rubbing his chest and wrapping one leg tighter around him.

“Yeah?” Phil asked, watching him be submissive, “I was wondering what exactly you meant by thinking of me. I’d be up for that, maybe when we get home, hmm?”

“In between the days before I have to go back to Wokingham for New Year’s maybe?” Dan suggested, fluttering his eyes shut.

“There’s only like two days, but yeah, sounds good to me, if we can manage to fit it in,” Phil said with a bit of a chuckle, “Also, we should get tested so we don’t have to use condoms.”

“I was thinking the same thing,” Dan added, “I don’t think I’ve ever had unprotected sex but just in case. It’d feel so much better.”

“Yeah, I was having it for a while but that was long ago,” Phil said.

Dan hummed joyfully as Phil continued to nurture him.

“Seems like you are enjoying being pampered,” Phil said sleepily.

Dan nodded, humming, “I like being the center of your attention, your little pet.”

That sounded weird. Fuck, he hoped Phil wouldn’t notice, that sounded weird and kinky, he’d think it was weird and kinky…

“I can tell,” Phil said simply, apparently disregarding it, “Any other things for next time, like little things that you like, you were saying you like your neck touched or something?”

“Yeah, it’s really sensitive and I normally don’t like anyone else near it except you,” Dan answered, then sighed and decided to tell the truth, “There’s a lot of things I want to try with you that I’m afraid to tell you…”

Phil turned to face Dan a little, saying, “What do you mean, baby? You can tell me anything, you know that. It’s not like with vomit or blood or piss or anything, right?”

“No, no,” Dan laughed a little, “Nothing like that.”

“No need to worry then. What do you like?” Phil asked.

“Some things I don’t know if I like yet, but I want to try,” Dan said, hiding his face from Phil, “I like when you bite and mark me up, so more o-of that, please...um, I want to try having my hair pulled, like, rougher or from behind, being scratched like I...like I did to you, or, um…”

Dan was chewing his lip, so scared of Phil telling him that something he said was bad or wrong or weird. Phil didn’t seem put off by it, by the way he was still touching Dan’s hair and chin, but Dan peeked up to look at him. He didn’t seem like he was super bothered, more like he was taking it in.

“Other things I...can’t say,” Dan continued, “Let’s just say I like the idea of just feeling like someone has complete control over me, making decisions for me, telling me what to do, in a more sexual context, if that makes sense?”

“Yeah,” Phil said, “Some of that will be new to me, but I’m okay with trying mostly whatever.”

“Okay, good, because I’m really nervous about telling you,” Dan sighed, “I’m so afraid you won’t like me anymore or think it’s weird or something.”

“Baby, no, it’s okay,” Phil assured him, “I’d just worry about it hurting you or being too much, is all. I like taking care of you, it would just be a bit different to do it in an erotic way. But I’d never judge you for that.”

“Okay,” Dan said and nodded, getting back into his cozy position. He looked around Phil’s room, then glanced at his door. Giggling, he said, “Oh my god. I never noticed your Kill Bill poster.”

“Hmm?” Phil hummed, “Oh, yeah. I’ve had that for years.”

“Uma Thurman just watched us have sex,” Dan giggled more, blushing into Phil’s chest.

“She did, and probably enjoyed it,” Phil laughed, rubbing his side.

Dan grinned, taking in every sense he was feeling. Nothing would compare to this moment ever again, so he completely analyzed it. His mouth still tasted slightly of cherry still, his skin felt warm as it moved against Phil’s, he could hear Phil’s heartbeat and his breathing, he could smell just natural Phil mixed in with a bit of cologne from the day before, he could see the inviting walls of his room around them.

“Merry Christmas Eve, by the way,” Phil told Dan, making him laugh.

For a while they cuddled in the nude, until Phil decided to check his phone in case someone had tried to call or text. There were notifications from YouTube and Twitter, and as soon as he started reading them, he got a text from “Mar” with a scorpion emoji.

Martyn: On our way home loverboy

“Why a scorpion emoji?” Dan asked, nestled against Phil’s chest.

“He’s a Scorpio,” Phil answered, going to reply but Martyn texted again.

Martyn: Which means put some clothes on

They both chuckled, Dan beginning to blush.

“We’d better get dressed I suppose,” Phil said, sitting up. Dan sarcastically groaned, but got up with him to get dressed. Pfft, Phil had thought it would hurt for Dan to sit or walk, little did he know it would take a lot more than that to make him limp. He smirked to himself, wondering if Phil would ever try harder to purposefully do so.

He knelt beside his suitcase to pick out an outfit, grabbing another pair of black skinny jeans, black boxers, and a black jumper. Phil picked out his clothes too, then sat back on the bed.

“You don’t have anything more festive?” Phil teased. Dan turned, his cheeky smirk turning into a blushy smile as he shook his head. “Colorful?”

He shook his head again. Phil playfully rolled his eyes, getting up for a moment to get something out of his suitcase, and before Dan knew it, a flash of green was being hurled at his face. It hit him, making him snort and laugh. As it fell into his lap, he figured out it was a super neon green University of York hoodie.

“Why is it this fucking fluorescent?” Dan dramatically yelled, holding it up. Phil laughed, going back up to his bed to get dressed. “Are we going to a bloody rave?”

“No, I just thought it would be different for you,” Phil giggled, “You don’t mind all of my other colorful clothes.”

Dan huffed, putting his jumper and boxers on and throwing the hoodie off somewhere. Not wanting to be away from Phil for very long, Dan took his jeans to sit on the bed with him, who was getting dressed.

“Put your hoodie on,” Phil insisted. Dan made a mock angry face, his fake ferocity fading when Phil started to poke his face and he started to bite back a smile. “Pleeease. Pleeease. You’ll look so cute in it.”

Dan glared at him.

“Daaan.”

Phil got up from the bed, picking up his hoodie from the ground and tackling Dan. He squealed as Phil forced it over his head and pulled it down. The hoodie covered Dan’s face, so Phil slowly removed it, seeing a grumpy Dan that wasn’t able to stop from laughing.

“What?” Phil asked when he caught Dan gazing and grinning at him.

Dan glanced up at him, then down at the hoodie on his body that he admittedly found hideous, “Nothing, you’re just a dildo.”

“But you’ll still wear it just because it’s mine.”

“Fuck you.”

Once they got ready and cleaned up, making sure the room looked like nothing happened, Martyn and Cornelia went inside to get them for lunch. They grabbed their things and headed downstairs to meet them.

“Oh Dan, can you come in the bathroom with me real quick?” Cornelia asked. Dan awkwardly nodded and followed her to the bathroom. When he looked confused, she continued, “You have a little hickey that isn’t completely covered by that hoodie. I’ll cover it up for you.”

Dan blushed deeply, watching her take out a makeup bag from her purse. She put some concealer and foundation on the lovebite, which perfectly covered it. Humming, she covered it in powder so the makeup would stay on well.

“There you go, perfect!” Cornelia announced, adjusting his jumper in the mirror. 

“Thank you,” Dan said, looking at himself back in the reflection.

“Didn’t want you to be alluding anything to Kath or Nigel,” she giggled.

“Yeah,” Dan said, then adjusted his fringe that he’d straightened earlier. Smiling, they left the bathroom.

“Were you and Dan wanting to drive with Mum and Dad?” Martyn asked Phil.

“Yeah, sure,” Phil said, putting on his coat, hat and gloves. Dan put his (minus the coat since he had the hoodie) on too, then they went outside.

Dan and Phil got in the Lesters’ car behind Phil’s parents in the seats, and Martyn and Cornelia got into their own car. As Dan buckled his seatbelt, he watched Phil fasten his, then pull out his phone. He texted Dan:

Phil: The food at this restaurant we’re going to is really good

After Dan got settled, he texted back.

Dan: is it?

Phil: Yeah it’s Italian

Dan: mmm

Phil: It’s also one of the only ones open today

Dan: that’s surprising for xmas eve

Phil: Yeah ^_^  
Phil: What was Corn bringing you into the bathroom for?

Dan: helping me cover up a hickey -.-

Phil: Omg  
Phil: While you were doing that I was talking to Mar and he told me you have something important to talk to me about?

Shit. Dan felt himself start to tense up and sweat nervously. Thank god Martyn hadn’t told him the entire secret, but that was so fucking close. He didn’t even think about the fact that he was leaving them alone together when Cornelia took him into the bathroom. He could never do that again. It didn’t take long for him to conjure up a lie:

Dan: omg bc we told each other the gifts we got you. he’s probably trying to get me to tell you :-) <3

Phil: Ohh okay lol

“Did you two sleep in late?” Kath asked as Nigel drove, following after Martyn and Cornelia’s car.

“Y-Yeah,” Phil responded, “We were really tired.”

Dan felt his cheeks heat up, so he quickly asked, “How did the shopping go?”

“Oh good, thank you for asking,” Kath smiled, “We got a very good gift for you, Dan.”

“Did you?” Dan chuckled, “I appreciate it very much, Kath.”

“It’s nothing,” she said, “You make Phil so happy. It was the least we could do.”

Phil was smiling and blushing, so Dan did what Phil did yesterday, he grabbed his hand and squeezed it. Still holding one hand, he texted him quickly.

Dan: you’re so cute <3

At the restaurant, Dan couldn’t stop smiling through the group’s banter. They were joking around and teasing each other as they ate the food. Phil was right, it was really tasty, and Dan was really enjoying himself. The restaurant was playing Christmas music, and every so often they would start softly singing until another table gave them weird looks, then they’d all erupt into a fit of giggles.

While they waited for the check, Dan got a call from his mother. He picked up and tried to give Kath his credit card to pay for his meal, but she wouldn’t accept it.

“Daniel?” his mum asked over the phone.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Dan answered, giving up and putting his credit card back in his wallet.

“Are you on break at work?” she inquired, “You answered immediately.”

“Yeah, I am,” Dan said, getting up from the table to excuse himself, “My break’s almost over though. Did you need something?”

That probably came across as a little rude. Oops.

“I got you a train ticket for the twenty ninth,” she continued, “And then a returning home ticket for the third.”

“Okay, can you send them to me?” Dan asked.

“Sure. I’ll email or text them to you...we haven’t talked in a while, how are you, bear?” his mother questioned.

“Oh, I’m...um, I’m good,” Dan replied, “How are you?”

“We’re doing well, but we miss you,” she said, “Your father is looking forward to hearing about the research you’ve done on the University of Manchester and how your job is going and everything.”

“Yeah, right…” Dan answered, “I figured he would be. I have a lot of Tesco stories…and I guess we could talk about law and stuff…”

“The last time you talked didn’t go very well, did it? If I’m recalling correctly,” she said.

“Yeah, no, it didn’t…I was busy and he called at a bad time,” Dan looked around, hoping no one was hearing in on his conversation. 

“He’s just trying to do the best for you,” she explained, “All he wants is for you to have a good life. I sometimes wish you could see that.”

Dan went quiet, then responded, “I’ll see you on the twenty ninth, okay?”

“Well, we’re working on that day. You’ll have to take a bus from the train station to meet Adrian at the house,” she said.

Dan held back a sigh. What was the point of him even going if his parents weren’t going to be there? Wait, he needed to think about his brother. For Adrian.

“Okay,” Dan said. The conversation was still very awkward, but eventually his mother told him goodbye. Without an “I love you” from either of them, which made it even weirder. The whole conversation was just uncomfortable. Dan shuddered, pocketing his phone and making his way back to the table.

“Alright, now we can go,” Nigel said as they all stood up. 

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Dan apologized.

“No worries,” Kath told him.

As they exited the restaurant, Phil asked, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Dan said as they left through the doors, “It was just my mum. I’m leaving the twenty ninth and staying until the third.”

“Oh, okay,” Phil said, “Well, I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” Dan replied, and they climbed back into the car.

The family spent the majority of Christmas Eve out shopping more, walking around, and exploring until it got dark. Martyn and Cornelia had gone home, but Dan and Phil and his parents went driving around to look at Christmas lights. 

“Look how pretty that house is!” Phil exclaimed as he pointed toward the window. The house was decorated with blue and white lights with moving reindeer in the grass, and admittedly was very pretty.

“I like this one, it has an inflatable Jack Skellington with a Santa hat on,” Dan told them as they drove by.

“It’s cute,” Kath said as she watched the lights flicker. They passed through a whole neighborhood of beautifully decorated houses until they finally went home.

“Did you have fun?” Phil asked as they entered the house. It was relievingly warm and toasty compared to the freezing cold outside. 

“I did,” Dan smiled, removing his hat and gloves alongside Phil. “It was really nice. I’ve never really done anything like that before.”

It felt very...family. The whole experience made Dan feel warm and fuzzy.

“Good,” Phil pecked his cheek. Dan blushed and giggled, going to the living room. 

“Oh, could someone help me wrap presents I brought?” Dan asked shyly. Cornelia nodded and took him upstairs to Martyn’s room, going by Phil’s room and a closet first. It made Dan a little nervous to leave Phil and Martyn together, but this time their parents were there with them, so hopefully it would be okay.

“What’d you get for Phil?” she asked as Dan grabbed the shopping bags full of Phil’s presents.

“I got him some things for each sense,” Dan explained, “A Muse album and earbuds for hearing, candles for smell, a snow globe for sight, cookies and candy and stuff for taste, a soft plushie for touch, and tarot cards for his sixth sense.”

“That’s genius,” Cornelia flicked the light on to Martyn’s bedroom. She then sat on the floor, unzipping her suitcase to get out her gifts. Dan grabbed one of the rolls of wrapping paper.

“Would Phil like this one?” Dan asked, it was blue and green and had penguins on it, so he hoped it would.

“Definitely,” Cornelia answered as Dan sat down. “You seem to make Phil really happy.”

“Oh...yeah,” Dan said softly. He tugged on some paper, then cut it from the roll.

“I think we can all agree that this is the happiest we’ve seen Phil in a while,” Cornelia admitted.

“Isn’t he always happy and cheerful?” Dan questioned, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him be legitimately sad for long periods of time. Not compared to me, anyway…”

“Well, it was hard his last year of uni. One of his best friends he had been living with for three years…” Cornelia explained, “Died unexpectedly.”

“Oh,” Dan whispered, feeling a little ashamed as he pulled on the strings of the hoodie, “I didn’t know that.”

“He’s okay now, it just took him awhile to get over it,” she said, “But you make him really happy, it’s very evident.”

“He makes me happy too,” Dan replied with a small smile. “Really, really happy.”

They spent an hour or so wrapping all the gifts, then they went downstairs to put them underneath the Christmas tree. 

“We made Christmas cookies,” Phil announced, bringing a tray of cookies into the living room as Dan and Cornelia set down the presents. Everyone grabbed a cookie.

“Delicious, good job everyone,” Nigel said, sitting back in his recliner.

Dan tried to not make as dramatic of a scene as he ate his cookies, giggling when Phil gave him looks. Kath put another Christmas movie on, and they all took turns going upstairs to wrap gifts for each other to keep them secret. Phil had one particular present wrapped in gold and silver and he placed it very delicately underneath the tree, which Dan noted was suspicious. He wondered if it was for him or Phil’s mum. Phil came to sit down beside Dan on the couch to watch the movie.

“I saw your sneaky little present placement over there,” Dan teased, poking Phil’s side.

“Shhh,” Phil whispered, “It’s a surprise.”

“Okay,” Dan smiled, leaning back into the couch. Phil soon cuddled up to him, and they fell asleep for a few hours. 

When Dan woke up again, he was being carried up the stairs shakily by Phil. He obviously couldn’t lift him very well - or at least in bridal style.

“Phil?” Dan asked groggily.

Phil groaned, struggling to keep him up, “Mm...yeah?”

“You don’t need to carry me, I have legs,” Dan giggled into his neck.

“I volunteered,” Phil said simply. Dan placed a kiss on his neck until they finally reached Phil’s bedroom. Phil laid Dan down onto the bed with a heave. 

“Thank you for carrying me, my prince,” Dan laughed.

“I was honored to do so, my damsel in distress,” Phil said, going over to ruffle Dan’s hair. He pulled a new shirt on over his head, then started getting his jeans off. Dan couldn’t help but bite his lip. Chuckling, Phil changed and told him, “When we get back to London, I promise we will do so much.”

“Good,” Dan finally looked back up at him.

“Now are you going to put your pajamas on, or do you want me to do it for you as well?” Phil asked. Dan blushed, going over to his suitcase and putting on his own, but pulling Phil’s hoodie back over his head.

Once they were dressed for bed, Phil turned off the main light and flicked on his lamp. Then, they climbed into the sheets together, this time cuddling like they were that morning, Phil lying on his back while Dan clung to his side. Dan nestled his head into Phil’s chest and murmured, “Phil...can I talk to you about the call?”

“Hmm?” Phil asked, petting his hair, “Oh, the one at the restaurant?”

“Yeah,” Dan said.

“What’d your mum say, baby?” Phil whispered, kissing his head sympathetically, which made Dan smile.

“She got me train tickets for the twenty ninth to stay through the third, and she said my dad was looking forward to hearing about my research for University of Manchester, which I haven’t done,” Dan explained.

“And you have that internship soon,” Phil reminded him, making Dan sigh, “What are you going to do about that?”

“Honestly, I don’t know,” Dan said, “Maybe lie and say I want to pay for the majority of law school myself and pretend I got a full time job to pay for it.”

“That might work,” Phil mumbled back.

“Or pretend like I’m working there when I’m really not or something. But yeah...she told me she remembered the last time my dad and I talked not going well,” Dan told him.

“Was the last time when I was there and we were making cookies?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded, “He’s called once since then, but I was genuinely working that time...and as you can probably guess, I didn’t want to return his call.”

“Did she say anything else about your dad?” Phil gently pushed his fringe out of his face.

“That he just wants the best for me and that she wishes I would understand, basically. I do understand,” Dan explained, “But it’s not a life I want. I understand they don’t want me to not end up with that great of a job and have a kid too early…”

“Did they do that?” Phil asked. 

Dan nodded, “I’m a bastard child.”

Sympathetically, Phil nodded too, scratching his hair gently. 

“Which is...nice of them, I guess, but they’re giving me nearly no room to choose what I want to do, and it’s my life, so I should have much more control, which I don’t,” Dan explained.

“You’re right. You know what, Dan? I think you just need to confidently bring to them a plan for what you want to do with your life and how you will reach that goal,” Phil said.

“Po-“ Dan cut himself off immediately, “Photography. Photography.”

“Photography,” Phil repeated, “So figure out the steps to get yourself there. Will you have to go to school for it, or just start a blog or get small jobs and work your way up? What things do you want to photograph? What kind of camera do you want? I think if you sound enough like you have your shit together, then it just might work.”

Dan nodded, not wanting to cut off his idea. It was a good one and he appreciated that Phil was helping, but he didn’t have much confidence that it would work. Still, though, he would try it for Phil’s sake.

“Okay,” Dan finally said, “I think I’ll research what school and stuff.”

“I can always help you if you need me to,” Phil promised him. “I’m always here for you, Dan. Even if it doesn’t work out, we’ll approach it in a different way, okay?”

Dan gazed up at him, not so anxious anymore, just smiling. He softly kissed his neck, up to his chin, his cheek, then finally his lips a few times before settling back down in the covers.

“Do you ever feel bad about lying to them?” Phil asked afterwards.

Sighing, Dan nodded, “Of course I do. I feel extremely guilty. All the time.”

For more reasons than one.

“To be honest with you, I can’t imagine lying to my parents like that. I was so nervous to tell them I wanted to do YouTube and they would ask where my life was going...and coming out wasn’t too difficult, and there was a little bit of time where I was lying to them and myself,” Phil explained, “But I don’t think I could ever lie to them about something like that...in my opinion, that’s a big thing to be lying about.”

“It sucks that I can lie so easily, honestly,” Dan admitted, “Since we don’t get along well, I don’t really feel much love for them…”

“Hmm,” Phil said.

“But it hurts lying to the people I’m close to, the ones I love and care about most,” Dan said softly, meaning it in more than one way again.

“What does it feel like?” Phil asked curiously.

“It feels like the guilt is eating me alive,” Dan answered. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry, he thought, “It feels like I’m helpless and weak and a zombie is eating my guts and I can do something about it, but I’m too scared.”

“I hope one day you won’t have to lie to them anymore,” Phil said.

Slowly, Dan nodded, “Yeah.”

Dan felt like that would never happen. He felt like his only option would be to just completely cut them off someday. But he’d feel too scared and guilty to do that, too.

“Babe?” Dan mumbled, tilting his head up a little.

“Yes, darling?” Phil asked. Dan chuckled, nuzzling sweetly into him.

“Thank you for listening to me,” Dan whispered as he rubbed Phil’s chest.

“You’re welcome,” Phil murmured, “It just feels natural. I like listening to you, I care so much about what you have to say.”

“Yeah?” Dan asked as Phil gently held his hand.

“Yeah,” Phil said, “Ready for bed?”

Nodding again, Dan pulled the covers up to get them cozy. Phil turned off the lamp, they shared their “I love yous”, and they fell asleep soundly.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter notes: wow i totally didn’t put paramore and gerard way song lyrics references in this chapter
> 
> this is so fucking late aksjgnfkbdkss i’ve been so distracted and unproductive rip lmao enjoy! last chapter was lots of smut so here’s lots of fluff!

“Daaaaan,” Dan heard his name being whispered. He blinked his eyes open slowly to see Phil kneeled on the floor in front of him. Dan was still laying on the bed, cozily wrapped up in the blankets.

“Whaaaaat,” Dan groaned, shoving his face into the pillow.

“It’s Christmas morning, Dan! Come on, we have gifts to open soon!” Phil said excitedly, pulling the blankets back. Dan glanced up at him, unable to stop himself from cracking a smile at how enthusiastic he was. Dan did want to see Phil’s reaction to the gifts he got him, as well as the mysterious gift that Phil put under the tree the night before that he couldn’t help but assume was his.

“Okayyy,” Dan grumbled, sitting up. He rubbed his eyes and ruffled his hair, “When are we going to open gifts?”

“They’re making lunch right now, and after we eat we’ll open them,” Phil explained, “I let you sleep in a little.”

“Okay, I’ll need to shower first,” Dan told Phil.

“Okay,” Phil said, “I already showered while you were asleep.”

“Without me?” Dan teased and batted his lashes as Phil shoved at him. Giggling, Dan pulled him close to kiss, but he was called downstairs for something, so he had to go. He at least made sure that he supplied Dan with a kiss on the forehead before he left.

Dan yawned and slowly rose up from bed, stretching his arms out dramatically. For a moment, he took the time to be thankful that he wasn’t waking up in his bedroom in Wokingham. Even though Manchester was still somewhat foreign, the environment provided by Phil and his family was warm, inviting, and cozy. He was comfortable for the most part, aside from the fact that he still had to lie to Phil. Every day he was just finding some excuse or distraction to avoid telling the truth. It still hurt, it still drained him, and Dan didn’t want to admit it to himself - but it was getting worse. The hole he was digging himself into was just getting deeper and deeper.

It didn’t take Dan long to shower, and once he was out, dressed, and with his hair styled, he checked his phone to see some messages from his family. None from his dad, but mostly everyone else.

Mum: Merry Christmas, bear! <3

Adrian: merry crisis

Grandma: Merry Christmas Dear. We miss you and wish you were here with us!

Granddad: Merty Vhrisymas Daniek

Auntie: Wish you didn’t have to work, honey. Have a good Christmas -Auntie & Uncle

Those were also sweet, even the one from his granddad who wasn’t a very good texter. He answered them and headed downstairs to meet everyone for lunch.

As he stepped down the staircase, he could smell the delicious lunch that they had made. Dan stepped into the kitchen to see everyone talking and finalizing the meal, so he awkwardly scooted close to Phil, who was talking to Martyn and Cornelia about something.

When Phil noticed Dan, he looked a little surprised, but awkwardly smiled and pushed his hair back. “Oh. Hi.”

“Hey,” Dan said, a little confusion in his tone, but he hoped it didn’t come off that way.

“Are you excited for presents?” Phil asked, going back to being positive and a little peppy.

“Yeah,” Dan replied with a smile, “Does your mum need help with lunch or anything?”

“I just need help putting everything on the table,” Kath butted in. Everyone helped her get everything arranged on the table, then they all sat down and got comfortable.

It probably should have dawned on Dan days before, but he was the youngest one at the table. He let it sink in, thinking about what Phil’s mum had said about him being so young. That moment was awkward. But Dan couldn’t help his age, and he couldn’t help that him and Phil loved each other. He had more important things to worry about, like whether or not Phil would like his Christmas gifts.

Dan was pretty sure he would like them, but he was a bit worried. Phil had been spending a lot on him lately. The mystery present was probably expensive, too, and he didn’t want to feel like the presents he got for Phil were too cheap. At least now he could start to afford more expensive things due to his cam work adding up and his involvement with the magazine.

He needed to check his blog and PayPal to make sure everything was still going alright, like that his posts were uploading and that he was still receiving money. But he could do that later, maybe when he went to the bathroom before bed he could take a longer time to check real quick. He probably shouldn’t even be remotely thinking about anything related to that in front of Phil’s family anyway.

During lunch, they all talked, getting along great. They were very fun to be around, and Dan really hoped that he could visit again sometime. For some reason, the closer they all got to being finished, the more anxious Dan got about opening gifts. While he was helping Phil wash the dishes, he could tell he was anxious too, because his hands were shaky and he was sighing, deep in thought. After they dried off their hands, Dan looked around to see everyone busy doing other things, so he gently reached for Phil’s, holding them close.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked softly, looking up at him. Phil smiled and chuckled, looking down at their hands.

“I’m nervous about the gift I got you,” Phil admitted.

“It’s nothing embarrassing in front of your parents, is it?” Dan questioned, raising his eyebrow.

“No, no, I would never do that to you,” Phil assured him. “To us.”

“Okay, then what is it that’s worrying you?” Dan asked.

“I don’t know if you’ll like it,” Phil whispered, looking away then finally into Dan’s eyes.

“I’m sure I’ll love it,” Dan told him with a smile, squeezing his hands. Phil did so back, then everyone was ready to open gifts.

Phil’s parents sat on the couch while everyone else sat on different areas of the carpet. The first gifts opened were Phil’s gifts to his mum and dad, which they greatly appreciated. Next was Martyn and Cornelia, who thanked Dan for their gift cards. While everyone else worked on opening their presents, Dan took a sneak peek to see that the mysterious gold and silver present was his. He reached out for it.

“Wait!” Phil squeaked, “You have to open that one last.”

“But I’m so curious,” Dan sarcastically whined. “Fine, I’ll open this one.”

The one he chose was red and green with, of course, bears on it. The tag was adorable and read “To Dan - from the Lesters.” As he held the box, he noticed it was pretty big and filled up his whole lap, but it wasn’t heavy. He dug his nails into the paper to rip it open, then peeked inside.

“Guysss,” Dan giggled, taking his gifts out. They were the most adorable things ever - a very soft Christmas bear, fuzzy socks, and a matching blanket. Dan looked at the bear’s face and it was probably one of the cutest stuffed animals he’d ever received - aside from his teddy bear he’d had since he was born.

Kath and Nigel watched, smiling at his clear approval of the gift. Dan squished its face, then held it close and hugged it like a child.

“Do you like it?” Phil asked, chuckling.

“Yesss. Thank you, all of you,” Dan smiled. He unwrapped the blanket and tossed it over his shoulders, held his bear in his lap, pulled on the socks, then pushed his pile of presents over to Phil.

“Are all of these for me?” Phil questioned, one eyebrow raised as he felt over the penguin wrapping paper.

“Yeah, and you have to open all of them at the same time,” Dan explained, moving his own present box out of the way so he could see.

“I told you not to buy me a bunch of stuff,” Phil reminded him as he opened a gift.

“Says the person opening the present anyway,” Dan teased, “Wait, you have to open the card first.”

“Okay,” Phil said, reaching into one of the bags of gifts to get it out. Dan remembered almost every sappy word that he wrote inside as Phil read the card.

-

phil

you have been such a huge help to me the past few months. emotionally, financially, and in other ways. you have done so much for me.

i love your eyes, your dorky smile with your tongue out, your beak nose, your emo fringe, your soft hands, your broad chest. everything about you i love and i’m sorry i act weird sometimes, it’s because i have never had such a connection like this before and i’ve never been this in love with someone like i am with you

but i love you a lot and you mean the world to me and i hope you know that. i love spending time with you and i hope to spend lots of time with you in the future. that would make me so happy because honestly i don’t know where i would be without you. i would be more of an emotional wreck and extremely lonely most likely. but you provide the best company ever, especially when i am not feeling good.

you comfort me when i’m upset, calm me down when i’m angry, talk me out of guilt...and i know seeing how my relationship with my parents is is hard to watch and it must make you uncomfortable, but you listen, you try to understand, you support me, and you don’t complain. and i can’t thank you enough for that

i love you

<3 dan

-

Then at the bottom were doodles of eyes, a nose, a mouth, an ear, a hand, and a magic eight ball.

Phil’s grin got wider and brighter as he read it, focusing on the card like it was the most important thing in the entire universe. He glanced up at Dan a few times, who was smiling with his dimple showing and his rosy patch pinkish in color. Hopefully the words were working and making Phil happy, but Dan couldn’t help but feel a tinge of guilt at the partial lie he told in the message.

Well, maybe not a lie, just not enough of the truth. When he said he acted weird, he did partially because their relationship, if you could label it that, was new-ish to him and he was just sort of following along, like he told Phil. The main reason he acted weird around him was because of his secret, of course. But Phil didn’t need to know that. He told him fifty percent of the truth while Phil thought it was one hundred percent, and that was fine to Dan.

Taking him out of his thought process, Phil scooted closer to Dan and took his hand. Dan looked up, timidly smiling. Phil smiled back, squeezing it then quickly kissing it. He let his hand slip away before talking.

“What’s with the pictures on the card?” Phil asked.

“You’ll see,” Dan grinned. Nodding, Phil grabbed one of the presents.

While everyone was distracted with their own gifts, Phil began to open his. The first one he opened were the candles, which he excitedly removed the lids off of and smelled them.

“They smell really good!” Phil cheered. He handed them over to Kath to smell, and she smiled too.

“Just don’t burn your apartment down, Philip,” she reminded him.

“I won’t,” Phil said with a blush. “Thank you, Dan.”

“Just wait until the end to say that, you spoon,” Dan taunted, “You’re gonna say it a billion times.”

“Maybe I want to say thank you every time,” Phil teased back. He opened the next present, which was for the sense of touch. When he saw what was inside, he squealed adorably, “Eeeee!”

Dan giggled, covering his mouth a bit as he smiled.

“He looks like a perfect friend,” Phil said, proudly holding up the blobfish plushie in his hand.

“What is it, Philip? Kath asked.

“A blobfish stuffed animal, that really ugly fish I showed you that one time,” Phil explained. He scooted over to show her, and she looked at it.

“It’s so soft,” Kath grinned, Nigel petting it as well. Phil kneeled up to touch it as Dan watched fondly.

“It better be, it promised it was when I ordered it,” Dan joked.

“How thoughtful, Dan, it seems like Phil really likes it,” Kath told him.

“I love it, thank you,” Phil answered as she handed it back. He set it down beside his candles, then opened up the next gift, which was the Muse album with the earbuds. “Ooh, I don’t have this one!”

“I know, I had never seen it on your CD shelf, so I figured you’d like it,” Dan held his knees to his chest.

Phil thanked him again, resulting in Dan almost calling him a dildo in front of his family, but he caught himself and said dimwit instead. The next gift was a whole box of food that Dan hoped Phil would like. He opened it and looked inside, his eyes wide and his teeth shining as he grinned.

“So much foooood,” Phil laughed, taking everything out. There were cookies, marshmallows, candies, crisps, and all sorts of things inside. “These aren’t going to last very long.”

“Are you starting to understand the card thing?” Dan asked, peeking up at him as he rested his head on his drawn in kneecaps.

“Hmm…” Phil thought, looking at all of the gifts on the carpet around him. He picked up the card, trying to find some sort of riddle or message, then studied the gifts again. Dan giggled as Phil looked back up at him, cringing and confused.

“Okay, I’ll help you,” Dan teased, “What do you use to...enjoy the candles?”

“Your nose,” Phil responded.

“Right, so what do you use to...appreciate the Muse album,” Dan prompted.

“Your ears…” Phil said. Dan watched him look at all of the items, then back at the boy in front of him. His eyes were bright and interested, his nose was scrunched up, and his head was slightly tilted like a puppy, and Dan thought he looked fucking adorable. He couldn’t help but smile so widely his teeth were showing and the sides of his mouth were beginning to feel sore.

“What about the food, Philly?” Dan giggled, his dimples prominent.

“Mouth...wait! I know!” Phil cheered, “It’s gifts for all of the five senses?”

“There you go,” Dan laughed, “I dunno...I couldn’t think of a good idea for a long time, but suddenly that idea came to me in the shower or something and I thought you’d like it.”

“I love it so far,” Phil said with a smile, beginning to open the next one. It was the glittery Christmas globe and music box that was sparkly and decorative. “This is for sight?”

“Yeah, I thought you’d like that one,” Dan assumed, “It makes music.”

Phil handed the globe over to Dan, and he spun the knob to make it play a lullaby version of Carol of the Bells. Dan scooted beside Phil so he could watch as it lit up and the sparkles began to spin all around the golden stars and Christmas trees. Without thinking, Dan leaned his head against Phil’s shoulder a little bit as they gazed at the globe until the lullaby song ended. When the song was over, Dan turned his head to gaze at Phil instead, who was mesmerized by it. All of the sparkles fell back onto the bottom, then he looked at Dan.

Dan knew Phil’s family was right there. He knew Martyn didn’t really like him, Cornelia barely knew him, and that he promised Phil’s parents little to no public displays of affection. But his eyes thought otherwise, glimpsing down at Phil’s bottom lip being bitten slightly. Their eyes met again, and Dan was totally, evidently, obviously, giving him the hugest heart eyes.

For a second, Phil glanced at his family, then back at Dan, quickly leaning in and placing his hand on his knee, but before their lips met…

“What’ve you got there, Philip?” Nigel asked.

Phil snapped out of his trance, instantly removing his hand from Dan’s knee to pick up the globe and show it to his dad, an extremely obvious blush on his face. Dan couldn’t help but feel disappointed, but he knew he’d have an opportunity to kiss him soon. As Phil received it carefully back, he looked at it and gasped, “Dan!”

“What? Did it break or something?” Dan asked as Phil crawled over.

“No. Just the price tag says one hundred and twenty pounds,” Phil told him.

“Crap, I meant to take that off,” Dan huffed at himself.

Phil’s voice got lower, “I appreciate it of course, baby, but I don’t want you spending loads of money on me.”

“That’s not loads,” Dan whispered, “Plus, I’m allowed to buy you expensive things since you do to me all the time. I want to return the favor.”

“But you have rent to pay and food to buy,” Phil said.

“So do you,” Dan answered, “Just let me spoil you sometimes, please.”

“Okay,” Phil agreed, “I hope that doesn’t come across as me being rude and unthankful. I love all of these gifts and I can’t thank you enough for them. I just worry because you’ve worked so hard to be able to live on your own and support yourself and I don’t want to have you waste it on me.”

“It’s not wasting,” Dan scooted close to him, both of them with their legs crossed and their knees touching. Phil’s back faced his family, so Dan used that as an advantage to hide his arm being extended to place his hand on Phil’s cheek. “It’s definitely not wasting.”

“Alright,” Phil smiled. Dan slowly dragged his hand away, then Phil turned a bit to see one more wrapped gift from Dan. “Why is there one more? There’s only five senses.”

“You have six,” Dan hinted.

“What on earth could this be,” Phil chuckled as he unwrapped the box of tarot cards. “Ohh. I get it now.”

Dan laughed as he studied the box.

“My sixth sense,” Phil said, “My psychic sense.”

“Maybe those will help you open your third eye,” Dan teased.

“Not sure if that’s how it works,” Phil laughed, “I really needed a new set, though. The one I have now is like a bajillion years old and probably doesn’t work anymore.”

“Can you give me a reading sometime?” Dan asked with a chuckle.

“Of course,” Phil looked back up at him, “Thank you, Dan. All these gifts are wonderful. They make me feel so happy. You’re so sweet, bear.”

“You’re welcome, that was my intention,” Dan grinned, then looked over at the special silver and gold present. “May I open that now?”

“I suppose so,” Phil sighed sarcastically, his lips curling into a smile. Dan picked up the card and just barely started to open it when he realized everyone in the room was looking at him.

His cheeks becoming amber, he squeaked, “What?”

“Nothing, we’re just excited to see your reaction,” Cornelia said.

“Does everyone know what it is but me?” Dan asked. Everyone nodded, causing him to giggle.

“Yes,” Kath responded.

Dan looked fondly at Phil, rolling his eyes. Oh god. He didn’t like the fact that he’d have to open Phil’s card with five sets of eyes on him. He wasn’t worried about it being NSFW, because Phil had said earlier he would never do that to Dan, he just worried about it being so heartfelt and sappy that he’d get all giggly and blushy and potentially cry. And Phil looked nervous about it too. Fuck.

-

Dan <3

You are always surprising me and taking my breath away. Every time I see you I feel everything I felt the first time I ever saw you - my cheeks start to blush, my lips start to smile, my stomach feels fluttery and my heart does that flippy-over thing (which it had never done before until I met you.) I hope that never changes, because it is the best and most indescribable feeling in the world.

I love to spend time with you. You make me feel loved and wanted and truly make me the best Phil I can be. Supporting, loving, and caring for you makes me so happy. I hope to continue to see you as often as I can. I wouldn’t want to have it any other way.

I love to lavish you, I love to hold you, I love to tell you cheesy romantic things that in any other situation we would both find silly. Calling you mine just feels so right in my heart. I love how it sounds, it brings me warmth and joy and it truly belongs there.

I wish that you could realize how easy it is to love you. You deserve so much love from the world and I’m so glad I can be the person to provide it to you. If I could give you one thing in life, I’d give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me.

I love you Dan  
<3 Phil

-

Fuuuuuck. Dan was gonna cry. He was going to fucking cry.

Mentally, he was trying to win a tug of war not to let tears fall, but they were forming at his eyes anyway. His hands were shaky, and he let out the softest of hiccups, failing to hold back a tear that spilled. He kept looking down at the card to not look at Phil or his family, attempting to cover himself by smiling.

Phil scooted next to him, whispering, “You okay, bear?”

Dan nodded quickly, peeking up just a little see Phil assuring his family that everything was okay. Squeaking, Dan told him, “Happy tears, I promise.”

“Just checking,” Phil said.

Dan looked up at him, wiping his eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Phil murmured softly, gazing at him with a smile.

He wanted to kiss him again so motherfucking bad. His lips looked so soft and tempting and warm. But he held himself back. He did what they normally did when they couldn’t be affectionate with others in the room, he grabbed Phil’s hand and squeezed it tight for a long time to signify a deep kiss. It calmed him down from crying, allowing him to just breathe and let himself continue opening the present.

“May I see?” Kath asked, breaking the silence of the room and keeping Dan from unwrapping.

Phil’s eyes went wide, “Um…”

Turning to Dan, Phil said quietly, “Is it okay if she sees? I can say no if you want me to.”

“It’s okay,” Dan squeaked.

“Okay...yeah, sure, Mum.”

Dan sniffled, reluctantly handing the card to Phil. He sighed to himself softly, then handed it to his mum to look at. Cornelia tiptoed over behind the sofa.

“Corn, he didn’t say you could too,” Martyn warned.

“It’s okay. She can read it. You all can, if you want,” Phil told them. Dan watched as they all read it, feeling as nervous as Phil with his heart feeling funny when Kath gasped.

She was tearing up too.

Phil kneeled down to hug her tight, and she whispered into his ear for a long time, stroking his head. After everyone had read it and had their own individual reactions - Martyn giving a small smile, Cornelia holding her heart, Kath wiping her eyes, and Nigel looking proud and patting Phil’s back - he received the card again.

As Phil made his way over to Dan again, Dan mouthed everything okay?

Phil nodded and gave a thumbs up.

With Phil back by his side, Dan began to rip off the beautiful wrapping paper. It was a box, and he tried to figure out what was depicted on it until he ripped enough of the paper off to see.

Canon. It was a camera. A real one.

He couldn’t help but gasp a little as he removed all of the paper, reading the box and looking at the pictures. His jaw dropped, he opened it to see the camera and some of the parts inside.

“I took some of the parts out of the gift, like the tripod and stuff, because they wouldn’t fit in my suitcase, so you can get them when we go back to London,” Phil explained, visibly nervous.

“It’s so cool!” Dan said finally after his period of being at a loss for words. Picking up the camera, he held it carefully in his hands and looked at every detail curiously.

“It’s also the same kind I used to have,” Phil told him, “So if you ever need help with it, I can help you...hopefully.”

This was exactly what he had been wanting for a long time now - not just because he had started to model and film himself. He’d wanted to have better quality photos of concerts, nature, animals, everything, and the camera would totally be able to do that.

But it would help him with his work as well. Photography was his cover up, but it would raise his production quality, it’d be easier to set everything up, he could film for longer, he’d be able to transport the videos and photos to his laptop faster. Maybe even some photos and videos exclusively for Phil from time to time.

Another great thing about it was that he could bring his camera to Wokingham in hopes of letting his parents allow him to become a photographer. He could do the bit of research he needed to do as Phil instructed, he could have a conversation with them with a well formulated plan, and he could show them his camera. He had hope. It was just a spark, but it was enough to keep him going.

“Do you...do you like it?” Phil stuttered, his eyes wide.

“Of course I do,” Dan replied happily. Phil grinned widely from his approval, looking at his parents like he was proud of himself. They looked proud of him, too - they were smiling encouragingly. Dan caught Martyn staring at him a bit, but he soon looked back at Phil and clapped for him. Dan then asked, “How much was this?”

“That’s not important, just enjoy your present,” Phil told him.

“Phiiil, just tell me,” Dan whined.

Phil huffed, “Four hundred and thirty.”

“Phiiil,” Dan whined again, “I told you not to spend a lot of money on me.”

“That’s not a lot,” Phil answered.

“Yes it is!” Dan hissed.

“I bought you a two thousand pound trip to a skybar,” Phil reminded him. Neither of them noticed Kath or Nigel choke on their sips of tea.

“And the coat, which is too much to spend on me,” Dan complained.

“My card said that I love to lavish you,” Phil reminded him again, “I don’t mind it, really.”

Dan sarcastically huffed, “Okay. Thank you, Philly.”

Dan and Phil hugged, and the energy in the room changed. Christmas was over, but it was the best one that Dan had ever had.

“Well, thank you everyone for the lovely gifts,” Kath said, beginning to clean up the wrapping paper from the couches and the floor. Everyone in the room gave a cheerful thank you and assisted her in cleaning up. As they did so, Phil stood still by the window.

“What are you doing, mate?” Martyn asked him.

“Look, Martyn, it’s about to snow!” Phil pointed at the sky.

“How can you tell?” he continued.

“I just magically know,” Phil smiled cheekily.

In a few minutes it did start to snow, a frosted blanket of pure white dancing in the sky and dispersing onto the grass. It was pretty, and Dan knew Phil had really wanted a white Christmas so it made him happy too.

Everyone cleaned up and were on their way to put their gifts away. Finally, him and Phil could be alone.

Dan and Phil picked up their presents and took them to Phil’s room. Just as Dan was walking through the hallway, Cornelia asked, “So, Dan, do you like your gift from Phil?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I did, I love it,” Dan said, a little disappointed again from having to pause. “I’ve been wanting one for a while, and I can’t wait for Phil to teach me how to use it.”

“That’s great,” she cheered, “Poor Phil was so nervous about it. He would bring up how anxious all the time since he even considered buying it for you.”

“Was he?” Dan questioned softly, “Oh.”

“Yeah, but I’m glad it worked out,” Cornelia answered. “Guess I’ll see you for dinner then.”

“Um, yeah, be seeing you,” Dan said. As soon as Cornelia entered Martyn’s room and closed the door, he went into Phil’s room.

Phil was sat by his suitcase on the ground, smiling at the gifts as he packed them away. Dan watched him for a moment, then got out his camera and turned it on. He looked through all of the settings and options, trying them out and hoping he wasn’t fucking anything up. The room was silent until he heard Phil crank up the glitter globe and the lullaby music started to play.

Dan looked delighted as he heard it, slowly turning his camera off and setting it down onto the bed. He crouched down to sit to the left of Phil, tucking his legs so they could be closer together. Phil noticed him, moving the globe more in the middle so they could both see. Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder again, watching the sparkles spin in the water as the sweet music played. It went on for longer this time, Phil must have cranked it up more than he did when they were out by the Christmas tree.

“It’s mesmerizing,” Phil said softly, “It’s the prettiest globe I’ve ever seen.”

“I figured you’d like it,” Dan answered back with just as much tenderness in his voice.

“I really do,” Phil told him.

“Cornelia said you were anxious about the camera,” Dan said, his tone casual.

Phil chuckled, “Yeah. I really was. I spent sleepless nights worried that you weren’t going to like it.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Dan asked.

“I dunno, just something in my head was telling me to be nervous about it,” Phil explained, “I just wanted to give you the best present I could think of, that was really from the heart and not stereotypical, or predictable, or boring. You always say I deserve better than you, but I don’t think that’s true at all. It never has been.”

“I’m so excited to use it, please don’t be worrying about it,” Dan assured him with a slight smile, “And your card was really...I mean, of course I knew that we were going to be saying something sweet to each other, but it was more romantic and just...more beautiful than I was expecting. It was so kind, Phil. It made me so happy, so happy that I cried, and I haven’t done that in ages.”

“Good,” Phil smiled.

“It was everything that I needed, and I’m going to read it all the time, especially when I’m upset or sad,” Dan spoke, “The most romantic words I have ever been told in my life.”

“...Really?” Phil asked, glancing at him for a moment.

“Yeah, really,” Dan said.

“My mum really liked it, too,” Phil told him.

“Oh yeah, what did she say about it?” Dan requested an answer.

“She loved it,” Phil said proudly, “She said that she was so proud of me for coming up with all of that to write, that she was really happy that there was someone in my life who was making me feel this way, and that that I was the most loving and caring son she had hoped for.”

“I wish my parents would talk about me like that,” Dan whispered under his breath.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing.”

“Mmm,” Phil replied, “I almost cried at your card, too, but I tried to be brave.”

“You did?” Dan asked curiously.

“Of course,” Phil wrapped his arm around Dan, rubbing his side. “Can I tell you something?”

“You always can,” Dan mumbled as he nuzzled into his shoulder.

“I really wanted to kiss you when we were down there,” he admitted quietly, “When we looked at the globe together for the first time and when you were crying after you read my card. I’ve never wanted to kiss someone more in my life. I was feeling and thinking so many things, I was thinking about giving you a light kiss which would’ve been more appropriate...but I was also thinking about just tackling you and covering you in kisses and soft bites all over as you giggled with your big dimple showing.”

“I wanted to kiss you so fucking bad,” Dan told him, “I felt it as well. I felt that urge in my stomach that was just magnetizing me to you. I have never stared at someone, or have been stared at back, the way you did to me, with so much love and passion. I didn’t even know that feeling was possible. The first time with the globe, it was just a soft little peck I wanted to give you, but the second time after I had read the card, I just wanted to grab your jaw and feel your stubble as I slid my hands to grab your hair behind your head while pressing my lips so roughly into yours…” Dan continued, closing his eyes to imagine, “I felt like I was malnourished from kissing you. I wanted to suck your lip into my mouth while you hold me close and squeeze and pinch at my skin, I wanted to tell you to just take me in absolutely any way you want, and tell you I’m yours completely because of what you wrote.”

“That sounds so cliche, but I hope that helps you understand how I feel,” Dan sighed at all of the thoughts that made his stomach turn and heartbeat pick up. He was telling the truth for once, he had never craved something more. Not when wanting a certain gift for his birthday or Christmas, not wanting a friend, not wanting to desperately move out of his toxic household. He just dreamt of Phil. He slowly shifted his chin to look up at him, Phil’s lips instantly meeting his in the process. He sighed again, happy and feeling complete.

Phil set the globe down as Dan leaned over to hold his cheek, lusting for more. He tilted his head and closed his eyes, the realization fully striking him that he had finally gotten what he wanted, in more ways than one. Dan had gotten the precious kiss that he ached for, opening his mouth slightly as they sucked at each others’ lips. But he had also gotten Phil, just Phil in general, who, according to his message in his card, loved him unconditionally.

He could never get tired of him, he was so dependent on Phil at this point and if Phil were to every leave he would be wrecked. Ruined. Completely crushed into flakes of dust to be blown away and never seen in one piece again.

Dan knew he was being dramatic. He knew it was unhealthy to attach himself so closely to a person like this. He realized that they should probably give each other more space and that he needed to pick up one of his hobbies again so he wasn’t spending nearly every day and every night with him, which he had the almost intense proclivity to do so. Not relying on him would be so, so difficult at this point. That physically hurt to think about. It sent a sharp pain to his heart and he didn’t like it. Dan was the king of avoiding things, and if he could avoid telling anyone his secret, dodging calls and texts from his family, and even procrastinate at Tesco sometimes, he could avoid this just the same.

When they just barely pulled away from each other, Dan kept his hand on his cheek and opened his eyes to look at him, “I love you.”

Phil grinned widely, reaching out to pull him closer and kiss him again. As he smiled into their kiss, he kept thinking how happy he was. How he wished that this could last forever.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter notes: guys i’m so sorry i’m so shit at updating kfnvjfkkdkdksj i am literally the worst procrastinator/easily distracted person ever. i must remind you i’m not giving up on this fic !!!
> 
> i got a summer job (technically a paid internship) starting june 17th so hopefully that will fix my sleep schedule and make me prioritize my time
> 
> i hope everyone’s doing good!!! <3
> 
> “tw” for referencing the vday vid in this fic again, i don’t think anyone reading this would be anti vday vid but if you are maybe like not read this chapter
> 
> so now that that’s out of the way—i’m sorry the abandoned hospital isn’t described very accurately to how it actually looks irl. i didn’t find the whole archive of pics of the rossendale abandoned hospital until after i wrote the majority of this, rip. it took too long and it’s honestly really difficult to describe?? hope it gives good imagery though. if you wanna see what it really looks like, the one i’m 98% sure they allegedly went to (according to the vday vid) then here’s a whole archive of photos: https://hiveminer.com/Tags/hospital%2Crossendale
> 
> also i found online that the hospital was considered abandoned in 2010 but according to tweets dnp went in 2009??? i’m so confused but whatever, enjoy the chapter!!!

But forever ended when someone knocked on Phil’s door.

Phil pulled away and sighed, calling, “Yeah?”

“Mum wants us down for dinner,” Martyn said back.

“Alright,” Phil answered, then addressed Dan, “Ready for dinner?”

“Yeah.”

They all had dinner, the table with a feast for a king on it. The turkey was the centerpiece with loads of dishes and plates around it, as well as one of Phil’s candles from Dan burning on the counter. Dan’s nerves had dissipated whenever they ate meals together, he just felt completely welcomed and cared for. It made him forget how different the atmosphere would be at his own parents’ house.

Once dinner was over, everyone helped to clean, and he knew he sounded silly, but it made him feel even more accepted and like he actually mattered with people by his side. It wasn’t only him and his brother doing all of the work while his parents went right back to what they were doing before like at his house, probably reading, working or watching TV. And that was on a day where they actually ate their meals at the table together instead of somewhere else.

Often, his dad would just take his plate to the living room or his off limits office, his mum would just eat in the kitchen by herself, and Dan and his brother would eat individually on their beds, only sometimes enjoying each other’s company.

God, Adrian. He really needed to think about his brother.

Dan was so lucky compared to his brother. If he managed to move out at eighteen like Dan did, he still had six more long years to live in that horrible household. As Dan got older and realized what his parents were doing was not okay, he noticed that they had started doing it to Adrian too. Just not as bad. 

They would invalidate him, they wouldn’t listen if he needed help or just simply to tell a story, they didn’t allow him to have fun sometimes, they were just shitty role models that Dan wished he could change for his younger brother. At least Adrian wasn’t so different from the son they wanted him to be - he didn’t like certain music they disapproved of and he wasn’t as afraid to stand up to his bullies, if he was even bullied at all, and he wasn’t queer and he wasn’t ‘as depressed’ as Dan and he wasn’t a fucking disappointment.

If it wasn’t a horrible idea that wouldn’t work (like he couldn’t claim custody, and the fact that he was a camboy) he would take Adrian out of the house to live with him. Since he couldn’t do that, he decided when he saw Adrian next he would promise to buy him an apartment as soon as he was ready to move out. Dan hoped he would have the funds, it was the least he could do.

There was such a big contrast from Dan’s family to Phil’s. Dan wished he could be with Phil’s family forever. It would make him so much happier. But at the same time, he liked living alone, he liked having freedom, and he liked his job(s). He just wished he had more people than just Phil to support him and cheer him up when he needed it.

He knew if there ever was a day where he had to seriously cut ties from his family, which honestly, he expected to happen at some point, he would miss having some sort of parental figures in his life, even if they were shitty role models. That was another reason to attach himself to Phil.

Phil was the host and Dan was the virus. Dan didn’t like to think of himself as a dangerous one, he hoped he was one that benefitted Phil. If there was a day where Phil would find out his secret, though, Dan would become a harmful virus. 

Martyn and Cornelia invited Dan and Phil to go on a walk to an abandoned hospital nearby before it got dark. Dan grabbed his camera and met them downstairs, bundling up into his fuzzy coat, hat and gloves.

“I want to take pictures,” Dan told Phil.

“Okay. Do you want me to help you fix the settings?” Phil asked. Dan nodded, hoping the shy feeling would go away - he felt like there was writing on his head that Phil had just done what he did to him. But he’d just have to ignore it, even with Martyn there. Martyn and Cornelia had known about their activities the day before, not that day.

They left the house after telling Phil’s parents where they were going, Martyn leading them to the abandoned hospital Phil had mentioned as he carried a backpack on his shoulders. The group walked quite far through the thick snow, Phil attempting to set up Dan’s camera properly. 

“Try this,” Phil said as he handed Dan his camera. Dan paused to take a picture of some snowy bush, then tried others like up in the sky as they walked further. After taking a few pictures, he realized it wasn’t focusing right, so he gave it to Phil to fix again. When he couldn’t figure it out, he asked Martyn, “Mar, can you try to see what’s wrong?”

“Yeah, sure,” Martyn answered as he received the camera from Phil. He stood still as he messed with settings, Cornelia urging Dan and Phil to keep walking and they’d catch up.

“It’ll be okay,” Phil assured Dan when he looked nervous leaving his camera behind with Martyn. Feeling more comfortable, Dan and Phil eventually held each others’ hands as they continued to walk. “The abandoned hospital is just over this hill. Stay here until I call for you.”

“What? Stay here? I’m in the middle of the woods that I’ve never been to before!” Dan squeaked.

“I’ll call you in literally one minute,” Phil said, running up the hill. Dan listened to his feet padding into the ground, then for about a minute he heard his boots loudly scraping into the snow.

The wind blew through the leaves and over Dan’s face, giving him a cold chill that was making his complexion rosy pink. He looked back at where he and Phil had walked from to see that Cornelia and Martyn still hadn’t caught up. Maybe that was a good thing, just for a little while. It was nice to be somewhere so secluded with only Phil. Somewhere natural that wasn’t surrounded by walls, somewhere natural that wasn’t barricaded by tall buildings and filled with nearly nine million residents in the population, somewhere natural where he didn’t feel contained in a box, forced to be someone he wasn’t meant to be. Times like this that made him forget he had a phone in his back pocket, and even if he did remember, it was insignificant. Extremely insignificant. 

It was getting dark though, stars were beginning to form in the sky. He had no clue what Phil could possibly be doing, and he had absolutely no reason to be paranoid that Phil was leaving him behind, but his mind told him to think so as he brushed off the snow from his clothes.

“Okay, now you can come see!” Phil called. Dan made a confused face as he jogged up the hill. He stood on top to look down and see Phil widely smiling next to a large I Love Dan written in the snow.

Gasping, Dan covered his mouth with his fuzzy gloves, hiding behind them shyly as his dropped jaw turned into a wide, beaming smile. He then dashed down the hill, running up to Phil and hugging him so hard that he tackled him over onto the snow. Phil laughed as he landed into the frost, Dan coming down with him. Dan crawled next to him and as he attempted to sit up and pushed his chest back down so he could kiss him. As much as he wanted to kiss him hard, the way that they both couldn’t hold back their grins and giggles was making it difficult. He kept his hand pressed against Phil’s chest, mewling dramatically as he gave him sweet kisses.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” Dan chanted quietly, giving him kiss after kiss. Phil giggled, making sure to kiss back as Dan toppled over onto his back. Laughing, Dan finally pulled away from Phil to lay next to him and look up at the stars.

I Love Dan, Dan spoke inside of his head. He liked the sound of it for some reason. Of course, writing I Love You would have made him happy too, but for some reason putting his name in place of the you seemed special. It seemed more definite - Phil could love anyone and say you, so it was heartwarming that he had personalized it to specifically say Dan. It was like when they went to Starbucks one of the first times they had even discussed coming to visit. I Love Dan was just for him—well, except for everyone else in the world who was named Dan that had someone that loved them, but still.

He was heartwarmed and happy. The neverending smile on his face and the tingly, lovely feelings in his gut helped distract him from everything else temporarily. Physically and mentally. The physical aspect of how fucking cold he was from the wind and the snow was forgotten, and the mental aspect of how he was lying to a lot of people was ditched as well. How it should be.

Dan gazed over at Phil, who was grinning and laughing with his tongue bitten between his teeth. He began to imitate Phil’s smile and laugh dramatically, making Phil playfully shove him in the side. “I hate you.”

“Your message in the snow says otherwise,” Dan teased as Phil scooted closer.

“That must have been from an alien, I have no idea where you thought that came from,” Phil teased back, laughing when Dan told him to shut up. He turned his head to face him, placing a kiss on his nose as he reached out to hold his hand.

Dan looked down at his, holding it back. He then averted his gaze back up, unable to stop grinning. “If you were literally anyone else, I wouldn’t be laying in this snow freezing my tits off.”

Phil snorted, looking back up at the stars, “Anyone?”

“Yeah, anyone. Even Beyoncé.”

“Wow. Even Beyoncé. How romantic of you.”

It had to have been only a couple of minutes for Dan’s ability to tolerate the snow to fade, but luckily, it felt like a lot longer, and he didn’t mind, because Phil was there. Usually, Dan hated when time slowed down, it always seemed to be the worst times when the hours would stretch out much longer than they should be, like exam time and depressive episodes, those of course sucked to be trapped in. There were other times where he was just simply impatient, like attending Sunday school with his grandma at six in the morning, which if you asked Dan, waking up that fucking early was ungodly in itself.

But this time, he liked being trapped in time, with Phil by his side.

“I love you,” Phil blurted, ending Dan’s thought process. He tilted his head to discover that Phil was gazing at him the whole time, not even bothering to look up and see how pretty the stars were. Dan smirked when he could tell Phil was blushing harder than the cold tinting his face.

Dan shuffled to cuddle next to him for a moment, kissing his cheek and murmuring it back.

“My hoodie on you makes you look like Shrek,” Phil told him, making Dan laugh.

He pulled away slightly and Phil began to get up as well.

“Wait! Stay right there!”

Dan and Phil looked over to see Cornelia grabbing the camera from Martyn’s hands. She sprinted over and took pictures of them, at first the two of them whining and covering their faces, but eventually good ones of them smiling. As they took cheesy photos, Dan could hear Martyn fake gagging a few yards away.

Cornelia turned around and scolded him, “Martyn, just let them be happy.”

Martyn huffed and rolled his eyes, hopefully sarcastically. He walked over to Phil to help him get up, allowing Dan to get up by himself. Cornelia handed him his camera, and they turned to the direction of the hospital.

Dan was given a better view of the abandoned hospital upon standing up.

It seemed to be pretty small, looking more like a big mansion than a hospital, and it was clearly very old. The walls were crumbling, the majority of the windows boarded up or missing glass, and it was dirty looking. They all stepped onto the cement that stretched out far in the direction opposite of the hospital, the forest surrounding it still quite dense, then up to the entrance. 

“It kind of looks like an old creepy vampire mansion,” Dan whispered to Phil after taking some pictures (with Phil’s nurturing help, of course).

“It does, doesn’t it?” Phil chuckled as they walked.

“Are you sure there won’t be squatters?” Dan asked the group as Martyn led them to the entrance.

“Yeah, I’m sure there’s none. Never has had any,” Martyn assured him, “We don’t need protective masks either, there’s so many open windows and very few rooms that don’t have them, and those without are barren and boring. Just don’t touch anything you wouldn’t touch in a regular hospital, and I’m pretty sure we only have time to explore for a little bit, unless you want to be out here at the witching hour.”

“Okay,” Dan said as Martyn jammed the rickety doors open. Nervously, Dan glanced over at Phil. “Are you sure about this?”

Phil let out a single chuckle as they walked inside, “It’s fine, we’ve been here dozens of times. It’s really cool.”

“Alright, I trust you,” Dan sarcastically sighed, “As long as you hold my hand...or something dumb like that.”

“Deal,” he agreed with a smile, “I’ll keep my arm around your waist so you can still take photos.”

Phil snaked his arm around Dan’s torso, making Dan blush and smile as they walked behind Martyn and Cornelia. He looked at them in front of he and Phil, glancing back and forth nervously.

“It’s okay, don’t worry,” Phil told him, “Don’t worry about them. They’re in their own little world, and we’re in ours.”

Dan nodded, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder for a second, then back up to properly enter the building.

The group stepped into a dim lobby room that was close to barren. A large wooden countertop was near the opposite wall with two holes in the wall that used to be double doors, a long hallway exposed behind them. The only furniture left seemed to be a rusty bench with the cushion ripped up and a table missing a leg near the center with an ashtray on top. Dan took several pictures as Phil watched him happily enjoying his new camera.

“You used to be able to smoke in hospitals before 2007,” Martyn informed the group, “The patients in their rooms, and the nurses and doctors in their own staff areas.”

“When did the hospital become abandoned?” Dan asked.

“Mmm...I’m pretty sure in 2010,” Martyn answered, “The information we have is very sparse, nothing really comes up when you try and look online, so we just go by what we’ve heard the neighbors say.”

“Why’d it close down again?” Cornelia questioned, looking at Martyn as he kicked at a piece of trash on the broken tiled floor.

“A lot of reasons, supposedly,” he responded, “It’s too far away, for one. Also, it’s too small, so when they did get patients, they could barely fit them. The main reason they got shut down was for sanitation purposes, so I’ve heard, it was apparently really gross and with old machines and stuff and the owner or somebody couldn’t afford it.”

“Mmm, I remember now,” Cornelia commented.

Martyn placed his heavy sounding backpack onto the counter, handing Phil and Cornelia a flashlight, then grabbing one for himself.

“Where’s Dan’s?” Phil asked.

Awkwardly, Martyn looked inside for a second, then back at his brother, “He has the camera.”

“Right,” Phil said quietly. Dan looked away from the graffiti he was photographing, biting his lip at the awkwardness.

For a while, Martyn led the group around, explaining more about the hospital that he knew while shining the flashlight at things. It was definitely a lot of interesting information to take in, and Dan wouldn’t mind visiting again someday. There were dirty cracked walls with the tiles on the floor demolished and where there wasn’t an old discarded piece of equipment or furniture was trash or a dead bug or animal. In the hallways were discarded gurneys, chairs, and even an overturned filing cabinet with thick layers of rust. Of course, Dan took loads of pictures as Phil encouraged him.

The most interesting room of the tour was definitely an old operating room with an large patient bed and broken lights and machines and things on the sides. It was rusted and covered in dust and lint, but still looked cool, and Dan wondered why any of it hadn’t been stolen yet, even if some were damaged. There were also randomly scattered sheets of paper on the floor, which was odd. Dan crouched down to attempt to read them, but the majority of them were crumpled too much or their ink had faded too badly. He could read one, though, and it was a document about someone having open heart surgery.

“This one’s about heart surgery,” Dan read with trouble, “Due to multiple near-fatal heart attacks or something.”

Phil crouched beside his, pushing a paper away with his foot to read another. He shined his light onto it, “Aww. This one’s about a little kid.”

“Where does it say that?” Dan asked.

“Age seven,” Phil said as he pointed to a certain paragraph.

“I wonder if any of these people or their relatives still live nearby,” Cornelia questioned as she scooted beside them to read as well. They read the papers curiously, then looked more at the machines and equipment in silence until Dan decided to take more pictures.

“Wanna go to the morgue?” Martyn asked after a while.

The three of them looked at him.

“Mar,” Phil whined, “It’s so gross in there.”

“It could be worse,” his brother chuckled, “Come on.”

“If there’s actual dead bodies I’m leaving,” Dan teased as Martyn led them down a long, dark hallway. On the floor was a fallen sign with directions on which rooms were where, and Dan noticed that they passed by a room stocked full of shelves with various medicines, so he paused to take pictures.

“There’s tons and it smells awful in there,” Martyn replied. Dan eyes widened as he looked over at Phil, who was smiling, shaking his head, and rolling his eyes.

“He’s kidding,” he assured Dan.

The door to the morgue was wide open and slightly broken, and strangely, there was a hole in the wall exposing the outside. They looked at the wall of chambers with the doors open, the big operating tables, desks, and cabinets. It was quite cool, Dan had only seen morgues in movies.

“We’d better head back,” Martyn said after they explored a bit more of the hospital. Dan took more photos of the hospital and of the group in general, politely taking one of Cornelia and Martyn for them.

“Lemme take a picture of you, you’ve only been in, like, one photo,” Phil insisted. Dan pouted as Phil took the camera and took a photo of his sullen face. “Come onnn, you look so cute.”

Dan blushed, hiding his face and giggling while Phil took more pictures, “I’ll shove snow down your shirt.”

“I’m getting a photo of you smiling if it’s the last thing I do, and I’m sending it to myself and getting it printed,” Phil warned as they began to walk back home.

“Printed for what?” Dan couldn’t help but ask, still a little timid. He glanced over at Martyn and Cornelia talking amongst themselves until Phil gently moved his head.

“I told you not to worry about them,” Phil reminded him, “And...I dunno. Which place for a framed photo of you is worse, above my mantel or on my fridge?”

Dan laughed so loud and felt so...flattered.

As they headed back, Dan turned off his camera, deciding he had taken enough photos. Dan and Phil walked behind Cornelia and Martyn, humming along. While watching the snow crunch under his feet, Dan felt Phil grab his hand, making his cheeks flush amber. He squeezed Phil’s hand, looking up at Martyn rolling his eyes, then back to Phil. Quietly, he checked to see Martyn looking forward again and began to speak to Phil, “Does Martyn...um...fuck, I don’t know if this is rude…”

“You can ask,” Phil whispered back.

“Okay. Does Martyn not like that you like boys?” Dan asked, swinging their hands lightly.

“No...I’m pretty sure he’s fine with it,” Phil answered, clearly a bit confused, “Why?”

“He was like fake gagging and rolling his eyes at us,” Dan stammered.

“Ohh,” Phil chuckled, “It’s not that. He’s just not a very romantic person. Or like, cheesy romantic like we are. He’s a good boyfriend to Cornelia, he just does it differently than I do.”

“Okay, sorry,” Dan said.

“Did it bother you? I can talk to him about it,” Phil replied, “I can make sure he knows that you’re uncomfortable with it and—“

“N-N-No, no no,” Dan stuttered awkwardly. Real fucking subtle, Dan. “Don’t…” he watched Phil stare at him and tilt his head, “I mean, it’s fine, no reason to make a big deal out of nothing, I don’t want to pester him…”

“Oh okay,” Phil answered, “If you ever want me to talk to him, okay? If anyone in my family does something you’re not okay with, tell me.”

“Thanks,” Dan mumbled, glancing up at the stars.

They arrived home soon enough, shaking the snow off of their clothes and taking the coats, hats, and gloves off. Cornelia got a game out of a closet and brought it to the living room for everyone to play.

“Dan?” Kath asked, stepping out of the kitchen.

He looked up, “Yes ma’am?”

She chuckled a little, “Do you want to wash your clothes? Phil mentioned you’re visiting back home soon, and I figured it might be convenient.”

“Ohh...you don’t have to...it’s okay, I don’t want to bother you or waste time when you could be washing your own…” Dan replied, picking at a nail.

“No, no, I insist,” she said, actually going up to get him. Dan left his camera securely with Phil, then Kath led him down a hallway from the kitchen to their laundry room, flicking on the light as they entered.

“Alright, here’s the washer, and we can dry your clothes overnight, just come back when it goes off,” she instructed, “The detergent is over there on that shelf, and…” Kath picked up an empty laundry basket and handed it to him, “You can put your clothes in here, okay?”

“Thank you,” Dan responded softly, “I appreciate it.”

Kath rubbed his shoulder, walking out beside him as he headed for the stairs. As he walked up, he heard Martyn, Cornelia and Phil playing the game, which made him smile a little. He went into Phil’s room, taking his dirty clothes out of his suitcase and into the basket, then went back into the laundry room when he realized something. Shit.

He had no idea how to load the washer.

Nervously, he set down the basket on the dryer, looking at the panel of buttons and knobs, trying to figure out what the hell he was going to do. Why the hell he never requested anyone to teach him beforehand to be convenient, he didn’t know. Dan took a deep breath, pulling out his phone and deciding what he should type into Google, typing and backspacing a ton.

how to load laund...  
how to clean dark clothes...  
doing laundry...  
loading a washer tutori...  
loading a washer tutorial video...  
loading washer wikih...

He looked around the washer, trying to find its brand.

how to use b...  
what do i press on...

“Dan?”

Dan jumped, turning back to see Kath standing in the doorway.

“Are you alright, love? You haven’t started the washer yet.”

“Um...no...I haven’t, you’re r-right, um...I’m getting to it,” he replied shakily.

“Do you not know how?” she asked.

“Pffft, of...of course I do,” Dan unconfidently scoffed.

“Are you sure?” Kath kept questioning.

“Yeah…” Dan trailed off.

She raised her eyebrow, making Dan cower down and blush like crazy. “Okay, maybe I don’t.”

“Mother’s intuition,” she smiled, walking over to him.

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled, scratching the back of his neck.

“It’s alright, dear, I promise you,” she told him, “Philip didn’t learn until the day before he left for university.”

He gave a small smile and chuckle, deciding to explain before it got even more embarrassing. “Yeah…my parents never taught me.”

“How did you get them clean in London?” Kath asked, looking up at Dan.

“Laundromat...I’d just say I didn’t understand how or I think I broke the washer or something. And I’d make sure I went on different days so that the same people wouldn’t see me. Phil would help too,” he murmured, biting his lip. The realization of how dumb he sounded with his commitment to not learning was ridiculous.

Would this make her think he went that far to lie about everything?

“Sounds stupid, I know, but I was...am, really scared.”

“How come?” she inquired. Surprisingly, Dan didn’t feel uncomfortable about all of her questions. It was nice to tell someone that could see it from a different perspective, and he felt like if it ever got too awkward, he would be able to tell her easily, and they could stop to just keep using the washer.

“I dunno...adulting is scary, I guess...and I feel dumb about it, I should know how,” Dan explained. “Know how to use the washer and dryer, how to make some basic things for dinner, stuff like that.”

“Oh, dear, dinner?” her tone with concern.

He nodded, “Yeah. For now, it’s lots and lots of takeout and snacks. If I want popcorn, I have to deal with it being regular in a crisp bag. And room temperature soup sometimes if I can’t find how long to heat it up for. And cold leftovers.”

Kath’s brows furrowed.

“Y-Yeah...I tried learning somewhat, but I’d f—“ he started, “Mess, mess up, and I’d give up out of fear and regret wasting money. I burnt pasta because I didn’t know you had to put water in it…”

“Oh no,” she chuckled, “Well, why are you living by yourself then, did your parents not teach you?”

“I’m living by myself because I had to get out of there…” she placed a hand on his arm as he looked into her eyes, “That makes it sound like I was abused or something, sorry…”

“No, it’s alright, I just worry is all,” Kath told him. “Why did you have to get out of there, honey?”

“It...it just wasn’t good. For the majority of my life, my parents didn’t really care...they seemed like they did—rarely though, so it was inconsistent and I never knew what to expect,” Dan explained, looking away, “One minute I’d be able to jam out to music in the car with my dad, and the next he’d be yelling at me for ruining the carpet when I accidentally punched my hand through a window and I was bleeding out. So since they didn’t really watch us much, my grandma took care of us...my brother and I, most of the time, and of course, since she’s a grandma she’d do everything for us…”

“‘Do you want help with dinner, Grandma?’ ‘The dishes?’ ‘Dusting?’ ‘Laundry?’” he said, imitating, “‘No honey, it’s alright. Just go keep playing outside.’”

Kath nodded in understanding.

“So I never really learned. I had to move out because the older I’ve gotten, the worse my relationship has been with them. Suddenly after I graduated, they have all of these plans for how my future’s going to go and I don’t get any input, they’re just...expecting me to do it with no opposition,” Dan continued, “Mainly go to law school. Which is really, really boring and I don’t want to go and become a lawyer or anything. I thought at first that I could easily get my way out of that one, but that unfortunately hasn’t been the case. They have other plans too, like the type of girl they’re expecting me to marry and stuff...I’ve just sort of had to wheedle my way into getting as much as I can, like moving to London, for example. Still don’t know how I managed to do that.”

Dan bit his lip and looked into her eyes again, “We...we just argue all the time...it’s not good for me or Adrian...it’s honestly really exhausting. I’m only going back to visit because of my grandparents and brother, not my mum and dad. They never helped me with much and definitely didn’t support me when I felt like there wasn’t anyone there for me. I had an awful environment to grow up in that didn’t let me explore my identity. It was terrible.”

“I’m sorry, dear,” she sympathized, “I get what you mean...as a parent, it’s sometimes hard to do everything right but unfortunately it seems that they weren’t trying very much, and you don’t deserve that. I’m glad that you turned out how you are though, a kind and respectful young man who is making my son happy.”

Dan smiled sheepishly, his dimple showing as he looked down at his feet.

“With Martyn and Philip we tried our best, but looking back there are things we could have done better...like not make it so that Phil thought he could only date a girl,” Kath told him.

“Well, I mean...that’s alright. You understand now. If you didn’t really know in the past, that’s alright,” Dan assured her. “I’m sure he forgives you. You had never had a son that likes boys before.”

She nodded and chuckled a little, “Martyn told us it was obvious…”

“How so?” Dan asked.

Laughing a little, she continued, “Like wanting to try on girl’s clothes when we’d go shopping. I’d tell him he looked pretty but that he wasn’t a little girl so he couldn’t really wear them.”

Dan laughed a bit too, not about to go into a whole conversation about gender roles and everything with her, but finding it cute.

“I always worried it was really ‘obvious’ for me, too, and they would get onto me sometimes, but they didn’t see half of it...they didn’t see me singing Spice Girls in a wig at my grandma’s house,” Dan said, making them both laugh and giggle even more.

“Aside from not really being informed and unintentionally making him think he couldn’t love a boy if he wanted...I think there’s only one other time we messed up badly…” she admitted, “He told us right before university, you see, everything was happening so fast...we were teaching him all of these things he needed to know to live on his own and Nigel bought him tools and everything for his house with roommates...”

“He went off to university and we would keep in contact with him, but whenever Nigel and Phil talked, Phil would cut it short and say he had to go. Later, we figured out that he misinterpreted Nigel buying him those things, like the tools, to make him more ‘masculine’ because he was disappointed in him...they had a long talk and resolved. Phil explained that he was already anxious about it, then one of his roommates was making him more paranoid, and Nigel explained that his intention was to be helpful, not to make it seem like he was too ‘feminine’ or that he was disappointed in him...but Nigel felt horrible.”

Dan frowned, thinking about it. He had only known Phil’s parents for a few days, but he felt really bad about that, he already could tell how much they cared about him. To think of Phil forgetting that was honestly heartbreaking.

“Is it better now?” Dan asked. 

Kath nodded and smiled, “Much, much better.”

He smiled too, “Okay, I’d better learn how to wash my own clothes now, right?”

Kath taught Dan how to use the washer, making sure to go slow and not teach what was next until Dan fully understood. She explained how it might work on other washers or with different clothes, helping him to the best of her ability. Once he closed the cover, she clapped and cheered for him, making him giggle, “You’ve got it!”

“Yeah,” he mumbled, “Thank you, I really appreciate it.”

“It’s nothing, honey, really,” she promised, rubbing his back. “You know what? Come with me.” She guided Dan to the kitchen, getting a sticky note and writing down her phone number on it. “If you ever need anything at all, you can call me, okay? I’m not very texting savvy, but I’ll try my best if you want to text me, too. I’ll get to you as best as I can.”

Dan smiled as she handed him the note, “Thank you very much.”

She rubbed his arm, leaving him in the kitchen to read the note. Kathryn Lester, a smiley face, and her phone number written in blue pen ink.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl you guys i fucked up my own btm calendar i’m confused af idk what i did kfnfjfjskdjdk so i’ll try to be clearer with the days sorry. this chapter goes from christmas day (dec 25) to the day after (dec 26). dan is supposed to leave to go home on dec 29 (which is going to be a friday). sorry it’s confusing :)
> 
> this chapter is short too rip ;-; i guess it’s okay since the last few have been really long??¿ i hope you guys are doing well my job got postponed twice but now i should be starting officially monday (july 1st) so let’s hope it’ll make me productive !!!
> 
> hope you all are doing well love you all v much <3
> 
> and tw for a bad dream! again i want to clarify that the “real people” in this fic are simply characters of a story, yes dan and phil are based off of irl dnp, but dan’s fic parents are crappy but definitely aren’t how i perceive them irl and i don’t mean to disrespect them. they are characters for the story and plot, and act the way in the fic as such, not because i’m trying to be disrespectful and offensive, thanks :)
> 
> -floof

Dan carefully placed the sticky note inside his pocket as he made his way to the living room. The game that Phil, Cornelia and Martyn were all playing had already been cleaned up, but he looked to see Cornelia curled up in a ball gripping onto what he presumed to be a photo album. Phil and Martyn were trying to pull it out of her hands, but she had a tight hold.

“Cooorn!” Phil complained, “Put that back!”

“Nooo!” she whined, playfully pushing them away. Kath was laughing at them, separating them nicely but taking the book from Cornelia herself. She proudly sat down onto the middle of the couch. 

Phil perked up to see Dan, “N-N-No! Muuum!”

Cornelia and Kath giggled, Martyn watching, rolling his eyes, and sitting down beside his mum.

“Aren’t you going to invite Dan over to sit with us and see all of your childhood photos? It’d be rude to ignore your boyfriend on Christmas, Philly,” Cornelia teased. Both Dan and Phil went red as their eyes met, but chose not to correct her.

Phil sighed, gesturing Dan over as he sat beside Kath. Kath then opened the album to pictures of Martyn as a baby, telling the story of how he was born, then Phil, which made him hide and cover his face with his hands. Dan watched as she flipped to pictures of him as a baby, nearly gasping and smiling as he glanced at him continuing to hide.

“Why don’t you ask why there’s a lightbulb sticker, Dan?” Martyn teased, causing Phil to give him an evil glare.

Chuckling, Dan asked, “What’s the story behind the lightbulb sticker?”

“Philip’s first word was light,” Kath told him, smiling as she looked over the photos.

“Liiight!” Phil imitated in a high pitched voice.

She went on to tell another story, and Phil eventually settled and ignored his embarrassment, especially when Dan lightly pulled his arm away from his face. Phil grinned at him for a moment, then fixed his gaze to whatever page his mum was on. Dan saw pictures of him being a cute baby—in a crib, Martyn walking him downstairs, eating, playing outside, taking a bubble bath. He wondered if it would even be possible for him to find his own childhood photos when he visited, definitely not because he wanted to, but to make it fair. For a moment, he wondered if his parents had even bothered to take or keep any pictures. Maybe his grandparents, but he doubted his parents, in all honesty.

Dan saw that Martyn wasn’t liking this any more than Phil, but since Cornelia had grabbed the album in the first place, he assumed that she had seen all of these photos already. He wished he had enough time to hear the story behind every single photo inside and why she scrapbooked it that way, what Phil and/or Martyn could remember from the memory, and so much more. He also liked to see backgrounds of some photos that he recognized from the house they were currently in, he could tell exactly where some of them were taken. It was fun the whole time, to see how much Kath cared about her sons to put all of this effort into the album that documented birth to about middle school of Phil and Martyn.

“And that’s the end of that one,” Kath said, closing it.

“Can I see closer, please?” Dan asked, holding his hand out. She smiled and nodded, giving it to him and then getting up, telling them goodnight and heading upstairs.

Dan giggled, adjusting to be comfortable on the couch beside Phil and opening the photo album for himself.

“Again?” Phil sarcastically whined. Dan kept giggling, looking at his face, which was much closer.

“We’re gonna make more hot chocolate,” Cornelia told them as she left to the kitchen with Martyn. “Want some?”

“No thanks,” they both replied.

“I’ll attempt to get some of my old pictures when I visit home to be fair,” Dan promised as Phil wrapped his arm around him and pulled him closer.

They cuddled and flipped through the book completely again, and this time Phil was telling stories, too. It was nice to learn that Phil had grown up with a wonderful family, as well as the weird things he thought and did as a kid that made Dan laugh so hard he’d had to throw his head back.

“Your laundry’s probably done by now,” Phil said, and they went to go get them dried. After, he asked, “Wanna go watch a movie?”

“And make waking up tomorrow for our train back home much harder? Fu—I mean, frick yeah.”

The two headed upstairs, lazily assembling their belongings in their bags and putting on pajamas. Dan made sure to put Kath’s sticky note in a secure spot in his bag. Phil brought his laptop up to his bed, plugging it in the charger and opening it up while Dan flicked on the lamp and turned off the ceiling light.

“We could buy something on Amazon, or look at Netflix,” Phil suggested.

“Netflix first,” Dan decided as he crawled into bed with his bear. Phil opened it up and they scrolled through, asking each other and deciding.

“How about you decide and I’ll go make us some popcorn, hm?” Phil asked. Dan nodded as Phil pulled him close for a moment to kiss his cheek and then go downstairs.

Smiling, Dan watched him leave, quickly grabbing his phone and checking his blog, which he hadn’t in a while. His videos and photos were posting just fine and everything seemed to be going well. For the first time in a while, everything about his blog and his phone and all were nominal, of little importance. It was a nice feeling.

Once he heard Phil coming back, he closed out of everything on his phone and quickly scrolled on Netflix, going with the first best option he saw, Piglet’s Big Movie. Phil crawled back under the covers with a huge bowl of popcorn for them. He smiled to Dan as he was putting the movie on fullscreen.

“And...why are we watching Winnie the Pooh?” Phil asked with a chuckle.

“Because I want to, and this is one of the best movies ever, of course,” Dan giggled, pressing play and cuddling up to Phil. He snuggled his bear close, humming happily.

“Are you gonna name it?” Phil held Dan and traced patterns into his back.

“I should,” Dan said, “Any ideas?”

“Susan,” Phil suggested.

“Does it look like a Susan?” Dan giggled, moving some fluff out of the bear’s eyes.

“I think it does.”

“Okay, Susan it is.”

They shared popcorn during the movie for a while before Phil asked, “You watched Winnie the Pooh a lot as a kid, right?”

“Is that why you sound so…”

Dan turned, raising his eyebrow, “So what? Finish your sentence, Philip.”

“Posh,” Phil giggled, making Dan roll his eyes.

“I am not posh,” he scoffed, then poked Phil’s nose with each syllable, “I’m ar-tic-u-late.”

“More like ri-dic-u-lous,” Phil teased back, poking his nose with every part of the word as well. Dan gasped sarcastically, then they both burst into laughter. 

Once they were about halfway through the popcorn bowl and a decent amount of time into the movie, Dan noticed Phil falling asleep, so he shook him. Phil jumped, and Dan giggled, “Are you alright?”

“Maybe I would be if somebody wasn’t shaking my shoulder around,” Phil teased.

“I was keeping you awake to finish one of the best movies ever, come on, pleeease try and finish it,” Dan begged, feeding Phil popcorn to keep him awake. “Pleeease.”

“I’ll try my best,” Phil promised, chewing the popcorn. Dan smiled, somehow still feeling quite awake even after their entire day of activities. 

They decided after a while that they were done with their popcorn, so they set the bowl down on the floor beside them and cuddled even closer to finish the movie. Dan sang along to some of the parts, making Phil giggle and pet his hair. 

“This is like the Slender game,” Phil noticed, making Dan huff and laugh.

“How, exactly?” he asked, looking away from the movie and into Phil’s eyes.

“They’re trying to find lost kids’ drawings in a forest,” Phil said, “Just saying.”

“Only you would be able to make that comparison,” Dan chuckled sleepily, unable to keep his eyes open.

Dan woke up a few minutes later to see that it was well past midnight and the movie had ended a while ago. Phil was fast asleep beside him, so he carefully crawled off the bed to put his laptop in his suitcase. He climbed back into his bed, looking down at him sleeping peacefully. A sight he never wanted to lose.

He wasn’t going to lose it. He was going to be careful and secretive and everything would be fine. Or so he hoped. He hoped that he at least had a little more time to think of what to do if Phil did find out at some point. Sighing, he gazed at him, leaning down and kissing his head, whispering, “I’m sorry.”

Dan flicked off the lamp and with Susan, barely able to fully get comfortable beside Phil from the guilt, but falling asleep fast enough.

-

Sat at the dinner table with his family, Dan was talking, and he didn’t know exactly what he was saying. It all sounded like mindless gibberish—but somehow he knew it was important. 

Out of nowhere, he pulled out his camera from Phil, holding it delicately in his hands for a few moments before showing it to his father, his face now a lot clearer as he received the camera from Dan. His dad looked at it, reaching out to pass it back to Dan but dropping his camera on the kitchen tile into pieces.

“What the hell, Dad?” Dan asked with a huff, “That was expensive, and a gift.”

“A gift from who?” his father raised his brow and glared at him.

“S-Some...some guy, a friend,” Dan stuttered, looking down at the shattered camera. He kneeled down on the ground to pick up the pieces.

“And why did this friend gift you this, Daniel?” he questioned accusingly.

“Because he is nice and actually cares about what I want, unlike you,” Dan grumbled, not looking into his eyes, “And because he loves me.”

“What are you on about?”

“He loves me, and I love him.”

The voices in the dream started to muffle again, but Dan knew what was going on for the most part. His father was angrily yelling at him, calling him the worst things and bitching about everything wrong Dan had ever done in his life or something uncomfortable about his sexuality. When Dan tried to defend himself, his father stood up from the table and stomped on the camera until it was past the point of ever being able to be fixed. Dan screamed, getting up and kicking his father’s gut as rough as he could.

It was a stupid idea, really, because it had Dan’s dad began to fight with just as much abomination back. Dan’s mum would usually break them up, but for some reason in the dream, she was letting them fight.

She let Dan and his dad express their anger through hostility. She allowed, hell, maybe even enabled them to fight like they were. Dan’s father shoved him back and things got ugly and blurry and confusing.

A short time skip occurred where Dan was clearly at a hospital or something, sitting in an uncomfortable chair. He rubbed his eyes, one of them was sore and stung like a motherfucker. When Dan removed his hands, he reached them out to see that he had a cast on, and with reaching out his elbow hurt. He continued to notice more and more minor injuries that hurt, but no broken bones aside from his wrist or deep gashes. His vision was tinted and he couldn’t see clearly at all.

He could tell his mother appeared, berating him in muffled sounds he couldn’t quite make out. Dan then transported to a patient room with his father in bed with injuries like Dan, but much, much worse. He was wrapped in bandages head to toe like he had seen in cartoons.

“Wh-What happened?” Dan asked.

“You did this,” his mother hissed, shoving at him.

“How is that even possible? I’m smaller than Dad and there’s no way I could have…”

Dan looked away from his father, suddenly seeing a pit of fiery color underneath him.

“What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?” Dan chanted, and out of nowhere he began to fall, “N-No! No! No! No! No—“

-

“Dan.”

“Dan. Dan. Daaaaan.”

“Wake up.”

His body jerking, Dan’s eyes opened widely to see Phil in front of him. He could read the unease in his eyes.

“Dan, are you okay?”

“Mmmgh, what?” Dan muttered.

“You were acting really weird in your sleep, first you were shaking around for a while, then you stopped for a bit, but just now you kept chanting,” Phil informed him.

“Chanting what?” Dan asked.

“You said ‘what the eff’ a few times, then kept saying ‘no’...” Phil said softly, “Do you remember if you were dreaming?”

Dan thought for a moment, nodding simply and making the sheets rustle slightly. “Yeah...definitely. It was fucking weird.”

“Do you...do you want to talk about it?”

Thinking again, Dan nodded.

“Are you scared?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay. You can talk to me about it.”

“Okay…” Dan mumbled, yawning. He looked away from him nervously, then back into his eyes. They were sleepy, and he felt bad for waking Phil up, but it was nice of him to have the energy to calm him down. “Are you sure?”

Phil nodded. He yawned and stretched his arm over Dan, making him sleepily smile.

“Aren’t you tired?” Dan asked, scooting closer.

Phil shrugged, “I have enough energy for you.”

Dan couldn’t help but smile more, hugging him tight.

Rubbing his back and kissing his head, Phil coaxed him to talk if he needed to. Dan nuzzled into him with a happy sigh, finally speaking.

“Um...in my dream, I showed the camera you got me to my dad,” he began, “I remember he dropped it and it shattered and...we started arguing really bad? Like we were yelling a lot, and he stomped on my camera...so it was all fucked up. We fought really bad, and for some reason, I knew that my mum wasn’t doing anything to stop us, which was strange…”

“Does she usually try and stop you guys when you argue?” Phil asked. Dan nodded, which led him to ask more quietly, “Do you really argue that often?”

Biting his lip, Dan looked away, noticing the room was barely lit from outside. “Sometimes…”

Phil looked at him sadly, so Dan decided to just keep talking, “Anyway, it got physical, which it’s never gotten that bad in real life before...then I was like, in a hospital and my dad was super injured and they said it was all my fault…” Dan continued, analyzing his dream strangely, “It was weird...he was covered head to toe in bandages, like on TV. I wouldn’t have been able to do that,” he glanced at him again, “We can stop if this is making you uncomfortable.”

“No, no, it’s okay baby, you can finish your dream,” he said soothingly, reaching out to stroke his cheek.

“Okay…” Dan sighed, “After that, I was like, a sacrifice being thrown into, like, lava. It was weird. Really strange. I’ve never had a dream that...detailed.”

“Are you okay?” Phil questioned, “What do you want to do?”

“How much time do we have to keep sleeping?”

“Two hours.”

“Let’s do that.”

“Okay. Susan wants to sleep more, too. She told me.”

Dan rarely ever got to sleep happily and cuddly with someone before Phil, and god was he thankful to have him. He loved to closely cuddle up to him, especially when they were holding each other tight.

Relishing in the comfort, he thought about how much he’d miss it when he visited his parents.

When it was time to get up to catch their train, Dan was slow and sleepy, not wanting to leave the place he’d felt so welcomed in. He packed up the last of his things and got dressed, and everyone met together downstairs to eat a quick breakfast.

Sooner than he knew it, they were at the station to hug and say goodbye.

For some reason, it made Dan emotional when they were all in saying goodbye together, especially when Phil’s mum approached him. There was just so much he could say, so much he was thankful for even only spending a short amount of time at her house. He was overthinking—would it be better to hold back his emotions and “be strong” or would it better to show how he really felt? It was too late to think, she was already wrapping him in her arms.

“Thank you so much for spending Christmas with us,” she told him. Dan crouched down a bit to hug her back.

“Thank you for having me, I had a lot of fun. I really appreciate the gifts, and the food…” he said, pulling away slowly, taking note that she didn’t let go until she was absolutely sure he was ready to. He began to stutter as he looked down at her, “R-Really, though, it was nice...really nice...this was...the most fun I’ve ever had.”

“I’m so glad to hear that,” Kath replied, then went on a motherly digression, “If you need anything at all, contact me, alright? I will always be willing to help you if you need anything at all. Don’t worry if it seems silly, or if you just need to talk. I’m here.”

“He knows, Mum,” Phil chuckled and reminded her.

She playfully made a face at Phil.

“Ok-kay,” Dan promised, and Kath pulled him into a hug again. Kath went on her tiptoes to kiss his head, patting his back and smiling as Dan chewed his lip hard to prevent himself from shedding a tear. Slowly, he let go, looking at Phil.

Phil went to hug and talk to her for a while, assuring her he would be okay...and that he would make sure Dan would be, too.

“Love you both very much,” she told them.

Dan awkwardly nodded as Phil said it back to her, then made himself look ready to approach Nigel. They shook hands and thanked each other for their company, then Cornelia hugged Dan tight and thanked him for the presents as he and Martyn shared an awkward nod.

The trip back home went by fast as both Dan and Phil fell asleep, listening to music again as they sat in the seat, crammed together. Dan slept soundly, holding Susan close to his heart—until he felt his hand being gently grabbed and his knuckles rubbed.

“We’re here,” he heard Phil whisper. He blinked his eyes open tiredly, making him smile.

They helped each other with their bags and got off the train to walk through the crowd of people. There were too many noises—people talking, their feet stepping on the ground with various shoes, the wind, the trains stopping and going. Dan just wanted to sleep even more. To hibernate, even. Hibernation sounded awesome.

“Confession,” Phil said once they got a chance to step away from a large group of people. Dan looked over at him as he spoke, “I’m extremely tired and I just wanna go home and nap with you.”

“Me too,” Dan said, “I was hoping you’d still want to be together, even after these past few days.”

“Of course,” Phil smiled, making energetic strides toward the nearest staircase to the Underground. “I don’t really believe that people ‘get stale’ after spending too much time with them anyway. Not for some people.”

“For some people,” Dan repeated teasingly, “Like...the person that your brother’s girlfriend assumes is your boyfriend, but you’re both too awkward to correct her?”

Phil blushed, “Shut up.”

Dan smiled and bit the inside of his cheek.

As soon as Dan got the chance to, he set down his heavy bags in Phil’s bedroom with a dramatic groan. Dan heard a thud from Phil’s luggage as well, then asked, “Is it o—“

Looking over to see Phil had gone, he presumed he’d gone to the bathroom or something. He was going to ask if he could get out of his hot layers of clothes that kept him too warm, but he decided to just do it anyway. With a loud yawn, he took off his coat and jumper, tossing them off somewhere. Then were his uncomfortable skinny jeans that he was just dying to get out of, wanting softer pajamas on his legs instead.

Dan unbuckled the belt, undid the button, and halfway unzipped the zipper before he was being hugged from behind, Phil bringing him close and kissing him like his life depended on it. His arms wrapped around Dan’s waist and he tilted his head to kiss him deeply.

Caught by surprise, Dan kissed him back with just as much energy, one arm going over Phil’s and holding his hand and the other raised to touch his cheek to balance their kiss. He hummed as he closed his eyes, tugging at Phil’s lip and happily waiting for his own to be tugged back in a rhythm. His heart skipped a beat and was going fast, his chest rising and falling but soon calming down the more he became aware of Phil holding him.

He didn’t dare open his eyes when Phil pulled away, he wanted to be caught in the moment forever. Blindly, Dan kissed him again, mewling as Phil rubbed over his hip bone, going lower and lower languidly.

Silently, he hoped that this time they wouldn’t have to talk so much. He hoped they would be able to understand each others’ facial expressions for the most part, to be able to tell what they each found okay—but still with an element of surprise as they became even more familiar with their bodies, still with anticipation that made Dan’s face and chest blush in blooming pink. 

And that, he thought, was so much better than hibernation.


End file.
